I got two relationships out of Tinder. Including my spouse who, as I speak, is playing with our 8-month-old son in the adjacent room. I often get the impression that people expect way too much...
I got two relationships out of Tinder. Including my spouse who, as I speak, is playing with our 8-month-old son in the adjacent room.
I often get the impression that people expect way too much from apps. As if they could somehow eliminate the uncertainty and exhaustion involved in finding someone. Apps remove a few physical impediments, but once you meet people they are just as fleeting and frustrating as they were before.
The apps are just a way to connect people together. The context is slightly more specific in that they're looking for some sort of relationship (albeit not necessarily the same personal goals). An...
The apps are just a way to connect people together. The context is slightly more specific in that they're looking for some sort of relationship (albeit not necessarily the same personal goals).
I know plenty of people who have met their spouses on dating apps, but I know far more people such as myself who have never had a satisfying relationship off of an app.
I know plenty of people who have met their spouses on dating apps, but I know far more people such as myself who have never had a satisfying relationship off of an app.
I believe it. Once you've scrolled for so long even if you find someone I think one of the worst hooks of the apps is that the thought of 'what if theres someone better?' Its hard to shut down the...
Some habitual players of slot machines report entering a trance-like state as they repetitively spin the wheels. “Gamblers talk about this as the thing that they become addicted to – to the point where winning a jackpot irritates them because it stops the flow of the game,” says Schüll. “I have heard people say this about dating apps.”
I believe it. Once you've scrolled for so long even if you find someone I think one of the worst hooks of the apps is that the thought of 'what if theres someone better?' Its hard to shut down the possibilities, which isnt great for establishing your newfound relationship.
Anecdotally, found my wife of 19 years on Christian Mingle which is also owned by the Match group after trying Match and the mudpit known as Plenty of Fish.
A very small percentage of the active online dating community using a website dedicated to connecting a group of people who tend to marry very young and usually their first real relationship.. not...
A very small percentage of the active online dating community using a website dedicated to connecting a group of people who tend to marry very young and usually their first real relationship.. not sure I'd want to include any of data collected from that site for any real statistical purposes in online dating.
Hmm, we were mid 40s when we married. And there were a LOT of people my age and older on it. Even dated a 62 year old (she didnt look it but she did the 20 yr old pic trick lol) Dont think that's...
Hmm, we were mid 40s when we married. And there were a LOT of people my age and older on it. Even dated a 62 year old (she didnt look it but she did the 20 yr old pic trick lol) Dont think that's an accurate assessment.
Well, yeah, not to mention all the eye candies dating app companies pump into their dating apps to justify the Super Likes, without even the slightest chance of making it.
Well, yeah, not to mention all the eye candies dating app companies pump into their dating apps to justify the Super Likes, without even the slightest chance of making it.
I really think it depends on how you use it. I met my wife on a dating app just over a decade ago, so it can be done. But I'm also a serial monogamist, so I deactivated my profile while we were...
I really think it depends on how you use it. I met my wife on a dating app just over a decade ago, so it can be done. But I'm also a serial monogamist, so I deactivated my profile while we were dating, and so did my partner at the time. I do think that apps have potential benefits. You are both explicitly there for the purpose of dating, so there's no wondering about intentions like meeting at a bar or something. You can get some obvious deal breakers out of the way. So it's good for making the initial connection, but you do have to put effort into the relationship offline. And I can't help but wonder if that's where people are going wrong with dating.
I’m curious about what you mean with that. For me I think there’s this gap between meeting someone and feeling attraction that’s hard to bridge. Personally I need some strong deeper connection to...
but you do have to put effort into the relationship offline
I’m curious about what you mean with that.
For me I think there’s this gap between meeting someone and feeling attraction that’s hard to bridge. Personally I need some strong deeper connection to be attracted. And of course there’s the inherent awkward bootstrapping process of finding mutual attraction. Usually one person will lead there and that helps the other to gain interest. I suspect more often the man is expected to lead on that but the odds I’ll feel anything for someone within a couple of dates is just so low.
The last person I became very attracted to shared a number of interests and traits. She is very anti-authority. Her father left Argentina and she was raised under his rants of how terrible humans are at governing. I was raised in a household where I was constantly shown how poorly behaved the US military is. So that was a very deep connection. And of course we shared a number of interests - programming, certain movie genres, etc. In the end I found out she was trying to find a side piece (actually not the first time that’s happened to me). So that was the end of that.
This was someone I’d come to know through work over the course of months. We reconnected a year later and things were going great. But it took a good dozen or so casual encounters to realize we had a lot in common. Getting even to that point, let alone romantic or sexual attraction, with the expectations of online dating is tough.
Yes, that's what I mean by the part of the comment that you quoted. Both (potential) partners need to make a concerted effort to actually get to know each other, over time, in person. It's so easy...
For me I think there’s this gap between meeting someone and feeling attraction that’s hard to bridge.
Yes, that's what I mean by the part of the comment that you quoted. Both (potential) partners need to make a concerted effort to actually get to know each other, over time, in person. It's so easy to set some filters and swipe your finger on your phone to find a potential match like you're looking for the perfect socks on Amazon. The harder part is the actual in-person (or at least off-app) where you get to know each other and develop a connection. And because that first part (swiping and sending a message) was easy, the slightest bit of adversity while getting to know each other often leads one of the partners to immediately end things and go back to swiping. Or maybe they're still swiping in the middle of trying to develop that connection, in which case it's hard to develop that connection with the distraction of other potential people.
In your case of developing a connection with your colleague, you went through all of the work of developing that connection only to find a fundamental incompatibility (the type of relationship you're looking for, which is a very filterable property on dating apps if people are truthful) at the end. That's something that apps have the potential to prevent.
It seems to me that many people just don't want to put actual work into forming and maintaining relationships. I dealt with that when online dating as well. It was easy to tell when that was going on. I don't know if this is at all related, but I remember seeing all of those relationship advice threads on Reddit that basically said "my partner slighted me in some minor way" and all of the top comments were saying "you should break up!" instead of, you know, communicating with your partner about it. The parallel I'm trying to draw in all of this is: relationships take work to foster and maintain, apps make it easier to make the initial connection, and the combination of the two results in people seemingly trying to keep making connections until they find a relationship that is effortless.
I hear what you're saying a lot, but honestly my experience has been exactly the opposite. When I tried dating apps, I would match with people that seemed like they would work with me, go on dates...
I hear what you're saying a lot, but honestly my experience has been exactly the opposite.
When I tried dating apps, I would match with people that seemed like they would work with me, go on dates with them, and wouldn't be thrilled with that person, but also there was nothing that I immediately disliked. Our values were somewhat similar, we had at least a couple interests in common, we got along, etc. Even though that spark people talk about wasn't there, I just went with it because I thought along the lines of what you're detailing: relationships take work, and I couldn't expect a perfect person to instantly fall in love with on the first couple of dates.
That led me down a number of pretty unfulfilling relationships that lasted a few weeks to a few months, that eventually made me question if I was still even cut out to be in one, or perhaps there was something wrong with me that made me incapable of falling in love anymore. I'd always get to the point where I'd rather just be alone.
I was ready to give up until I met my current girlfriend who I instantly hit it off with. We were so similar, and it felt like a best friend that I never knew I had.
We've obviously had things we've had to work through at points in our yearlong relationship, but it didn't feel hard, or like it wasn't worth it. If anything, my standards for what dating should feel like were too low before instead of too high.
If I ever have to date again (it doesn't look like I will. We both want to get engaged soon), I'm not going to bother with anyone who doesn't make me feel amazing right from the get go. It was a total waste of time for me otherwise.
There's a happy medium to be had. Effort doesn't guarantee compatibility, and there's definitely a point where you realize after a few dates that they're not the right person for you. But I guess...
There's a happy medium to be had. Effort doesn't guarantee compatibility, and there's definitely a point where you realize after a few dates that they're not the right person for you. But I guess I'd rather go on a few dates and try and get to know the person to realize that than prematurely end things based on a single interaction (unless of course some huge red flag comes out early on).
I wonder if dating apps to connect people remotely is set up to fail in this way, but if instead people made a dating profile (with the non-negotiables listed) and only shared that with each other...
I wonder if dating apps to connect people remotely is set up to fail in this way, but if instead people made a dating profile (with the non-negotiables listed) and only shared that with each other after they started to hit it off, maybe that would be better?
No, they don't, because soulmates aren't real. Depending on your needs in a partner, there are probably somewhere between hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people on the planet that you could...
No, they don't, because soulmates aren't real. Depending on your needs in a partner, there are probably somewhere between hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people on the planet that you could be happy with. The best case scenario for a dating app is that it makes the process of sorting through those people more efficient leading to a higher probability of you finding one of the many people who you could be happy with. The article is largely discussing the efficacy of dating apps for doing that, but by framing the search as "finding a soul mate", the apps, the article, and the searchers set themselves up for failure.
If you're looking for a metaphysical, predetermined person to complete you, you aren't going to find it. If you meet someone in person, it's a lot easier to believe that you have found that person, because they are one of the potentially thousands of people that you could be happy with, and you had enough time with them in person for that spark to catch. If you're trying to meet that magical person online, you're going to go through a lot of people really quickly without finding that person, and it's probably going to be super frustrating and disheartening, regardless of how good the app is.
I agree that the original concept of soulmates is essentially mythology. But isn't the term more frequently used these days to just mean "the person I fell in love with"?
I agree that the original concept of soulmates is essentially mythology. But isn't the term more frequently used these days to just mean "the person I fell in love with"?
I suppose it's tough to say? It's not like people tend to clarify what they mean at the time that they say it. The linked article sort of implies in a few places that there might be more than one...
I suppose it's tough to say? It's not like people tend to clarify what they mean at the time that they say it. The linked article sort of implies in a few places that there might be more than one person out there that a person using an app could be happy with, but it's not at all explicit and could easily be taken a different way.
If that's what people are using it for, I personally think that's sort of confusing and a detriment to communication on the topic, but I'm not in charge of language so people can do what they like.
Or at least no one who's willing to admit that that's how they met. When I was in college I dated a girl who I met on the app Coffee Meets Bagel. We came up with a story of how we met at a bar to...
Or at least no one who's willing to admit that that's how they met. When I was in college I dated a girl who I met on the app Coffee Meets Bagel. We came up with a story of how we met at a bar to tell people, but maybe that's just because the app has such a stupid name. I feel like if I met someone on Tinder, I wouldn't necessarily want to admit that, but if I met them on, perhaps, Hinge, I might be more willing to admit it.
Not the parent commentor, but another Coffee Meets Bagel user. My fiancee and I are millenials (albeit at the tail end), and just say we met online to avoid naming the app. It's not that it's...
Not the parent commentor, but another Coffee Meets Bagel user. My fiancee and I are millenials (albeit at the tail end), and just say we met online to avoid naming the app.
It's not that it's weird to say we met via an app or online, more that the name of this particular app doesn't really roll off the tongue.
I met my SO on bumble and I hate telling people that. It feels like I'm advertising for an app that I frankly think sucks. Even though my partner is amazing and I wouldn't have met her without the...
I met my SO on bumble and I hate telling people that. It feels like I'm advertising for an app that I frankly think sucks.
Even though my partner is amazing and I wouldn't have met her without the app, the whole experience using it was awful, and there's no reason we couldn't have met in about a dozen other places. Most people I tell that don't seem to unstand that, to the point where single people have sometimes gone "oh well I should get on there!", which in my opinion is the exact opposite of what they should do.
I'd argue most dating apps are between not good, and actively hostile to users. But that's rather beside the point in my case; simply put, there was no other way we were going to get together....
I'd argue most dating apps are between not good, and actively hostile to users. But that's rather beside the point in my case; simply put, there was no other way we were going to get together.
We're very happy together, but we would not have attended a common-denominator social function. We're primarily introverts - not that we never go out, more that it's exhausting and we would have given up long before meeting. We lived ~150km apart, and only met by setting the maximum distance to the highest the app offered (150km IIRC).
Meeting in-person was at least theoretical for you, but we kind of had to use a platform of some kind. Even if it was just to start talking and drop the app as soon as we could
I dunno Tinder I could understand people not admitting to - let's face it , its an app with reputation basically being a way for people to hook up/meat market.
I dunno
Tinder I could understand people not admitting to - let's face it , its an app with reputation basically being a way for people to hook up/meat market.
I met my partner on OG okcupid, which was such a great place then for the city I live in. I also met several people who I became long-term friends with. The findings they published were really...
I met my partner on OG okcupid, which was such a great place then for the city I live in. I also met several people who I became long-term friends with. The findings they published were really interesting and it came off as a pretty fun place.
I haven't used any of the newer stuff, and I don't know that I'd want to if I were on the market again unless I'd failed for a while with in person gatherings.
I have a friend who was looking for someone during quarantine, she really had a rough time of it on the apps.
I also got some semblance of OG OKC-- literally had a date-turned-friend from ~10 years ago message me after something I posted on LinkedIn recently. It's crazy how those connections had some...
I also got some semblance of OG OKC-- literally had a date-turned-friend from ~10 years ago message me after something I posted on LinkedIn recently. It's crazy how those connections had some staying power.
I have a friend who was looking for someone during quarantine, she really had a rough time of it on the apps.
I spent a lot of it not on the apps (for obvious reasons) but I agree it's gotten worse.
I was on apps for a really long time overall. Single for most of it. Part of it was me, but towards the end, I really think your outcomes on the app were as good as the people on it-- not in terms of quality (everyone's gotten more attractive!) but just from a respect / expectations standpoint. It might just be my own changing attitudes towards what one deserves. At the same time, the whole internet seems much more connected (in that there are so many prominent "social" platforms) but less fun-quirky-weird.
Irony of ironies. The Guardian used to promote a subscription dating app called Guardian Soulmates. I joined about 14 years ago. I got plenty of dates and met way more people than I otherwise...
Irony of ironies. The Guardian used to promote a subscription dating app called Guardian Soulmates. I joined about 14 years ago. I got plenty of dates and met way more people than I otherwise would have in a new city. I had a few relationships that lasted 5-6 months then I met my current partner. We've been together for over 10 years now.
I think it was only as good as it was for me because I continuously worked on improving my profile and I was open to chatting with and meeting people I wouldn't normally have.
The chatting I especially liked and there were a few people that I never met up with but communicated with for years. Mostly we'd chat about our experience on the platform and about some of our more disastrous dates. This I found addictive. Especially as it was the main way that I socialised in this new city outside of work and studies. After I met my current partner I was still chatting away with my 'friends' until she found out and put her foot down. If she hadn't found out I probably would have continued chatting with them until the subscription ran out.
From the article: So, yes, evidently dating apps can/do help you find your soulmate. If over half of people met their person online, it's working. The frustrating thing isn't dating apps, it's...
From the article:
In the US, where uptake has been greatest since their advent, first as websites, about 30 years ago, more than half of all heterosexual couples – and an even higher proportion of gay couples – now meet online, according to Stanford University sociologist Michael Rosenfeld.
So, yes, evidently dating apps can/do help you find your soulmate. If over half of people met their person online, it's working.
The frustrating thing isn't dating apps, it's just dating. Apps have their own set of pros and cons but at the end of the day it's two people, steeped in chemicals, trying to figure out if they fit. It's messy by definition.
I thought dating apps were great, but not as great as deleting them. I guess that particular feeling you get when things don't go as planned and you end up downloading them again is unique to the digital age.
I really miss online dating pre-Tinder. I used the old OKCupid a lot back in the early 2010s and had a lot of success. Because of the profile nature of it, I could specifically search for the...
I really miss online dating pre-Tinder. I used the old OKCupid a lot back in the early 2010s and had a lot of success. Because of the profile nature of it, I could specifically search for the people I was interested in with shared hobbies and such - so vast majority of my dates were fun with a lot to talk about even if the romantic side didn’t work out. Plus I hypothesize that having to put effort into a profile helps weed out people who won’t put effort into the date itself
These new apps aren’t “science”, they’re over-engineering for engagement as already pointed out. There is still good on there - 2 of my last 3 relationships came from Tinder - but the experience as a whole is awful. Being served a bunch of profiles I would not be interested in serves no purpose but wasting time - and what paid filters I’ve tried haven’t actually worked. The fact there’s character limits also means there’s basically nothing to go off of besides pictures. Like WHY should I be interested in this person? And why did so much of the online dating space take up this model? ($$$)
I’ve been (mostly) single since 2019 and 1-2 times a year I’ll get the urge to try online dating again. But it never lasts long of boring swipes before capped off by a pleasant but drab date with someone not really compatible. It’s incredibly frustrating remembering what it used to be like and what the experience is now.
To me it’s an indictment of the change of the internet as a whole - from being a system built with tools to find what you want to a system that serves you what makes itself the most amount of money
I havent used apps since OKCupid, Plentyoffish and HotOrNot days. But I totally agree about the longform profile thing. That was how I easily culled out the kind of people I didn't want to date....
I havent used apps since OKCupid, Plentyoffish and HotOrNot days. But I totally agree about the longform profile thing. That was how I easily culled out the kind of people I didn't want to date. Can't spell? Sorry, thats a non starter (ex English teacher here). Grammar really sucks? Nope. Can't write more than two sentences? Probably not compatible.
I actually wrote paragraphs and paragraphs for my profile and it was really effective. Between being able to write decently, having hair AND being employed, I had no problem getting dates lol. And I found my wife online, so I guess it worked.
I met my current fiance on Tumblr over ten years ago. Gosh I never thought that would make me feel old. We tagged things we both liked and eventually met up one day. I dated a few people from...
I met my current fiance on Tumblr over ten years ago. Gosh I never thought that would make me feel old. We tagged things we both liked and eventually met up one day. I dated a few people from Tumblr in college, more than okcupid or tinder at the time. Connections seemed more organic and authentic on that platform even though it wasn't meant for dating. It's weird but people were strangely open on it for awhile, the things they reblogged or posted gave you a real sense of who they were. It didn't feel like there were influencers the same way there are now, although there were plenty of "Tumblr famous" people, they were simply just cool.
As for the success of my current relationship, it seems we were also very lucky. I tend to attribute it to both of us having similar interests in art and music, political ideologies, middle class family upbringings, and future goals and aspirations. I think the similar middle class upbringing is more important than people want to admit because the way you were brought up comes with a lot of certain expectations about people and the world. If it doesn't line up for a couple it can add to the friction a relationship naturally has.
This is an interesting effort. If I can take the stereotypes of what apps do to the extreme-- which is optimize for engagement instead of outcomes-- I wonder what larger effects this has on...
Bruch and University of Michigan psychologist Amie Gordon will roll out their free app this summer, to the local student population to begin with, and they hope to have preliminary findings by December.
Their collaboration grew out of conversations that made it clear to them that psychologists and sociologists were addressing different parts of the problem. Gordon, who is interested in what keeps couples together, pointed to psychological research showing no correlation between a couple being well-matched in age, ethnic identity or level of education, and long-term compatibility. Bruch laughed when she heard that. “That’s because people have already selected for those things by the time they get together,” she says.
Sociologists had shown that similarity on those measures counts in the early stages of a relationship. Compared with the population as a whole, therefore, couples do score highly for similarity.
This is an interesting effort. If I can take the stereotypes of what apps do to the extreme-- which is optimize for engagement instead of outcomes-- I wonder what larger effects this has on society / government. For example, how many people live alone instead of a partner? How many people are paying for egg freezing instead of freezing fertilized eggs or having kids? How many people are paying 2x the rent to live alone? (And how many are then occupying an apartment that could then go to another couple?) More dramatically, if states made their own apps, I wonder what traits they would match on for greater social outcomes? (I am not advocating for this-- just thinking about it from a Dune or Koi to Uso perspective.)
I got two relationships out of Tinder. Including my spouse who, as I speak, is playing with our 8-month-old son in the adjacent room.
I often get the impression that people expect way too much from apps. As if they could somehow eliminate the uncertainty and exhaustion involved in finding someone. Apps remove a few physical impediments, but once you meet people they are just as fleeting and frustrating as they were before.
With or without apps, dating is brutal.
The apps are just a way to connect people together. The context is slightly more specific in that they're looking for some sort of relationship (albeit not necessarily the same personal goals).
An alternative to sitting alone at the bar.
I know plenty of people who have met their spouses on dating apps, but I know far more people such as myself who have never had a satisfying relationship off of an app.
I believe it. Once you've scrolled for so long even if you find someone I think one of the worst hooks of the apps is that the thought of 'what if theres someone better?' Its hard to shut down the possibilities, which isnt great for establishing your newfound relationship.
Anecdotally, found my wife of 19 years on Christian Mingle which is also owned by the Match group after trying Match and the mudpit known as Plenty of Fish.
I’ll be honest, I think you are the first person I’ve ever know to actually have used Christian Mingle.
Christian Mingle would post wedding pics so it worked for more than a couple of us.
A very small percentage of the active online dating community using a website dedicated to connecting a group of people who tend to marry very young and usually their first real relationship.. not sure I'd want to include any of data collected from that site for any real statistical purposes in online dating.
Hmm, we were mid 40s when we married. And there were a LOT of people my age and older on it. Even dated a 62 year old (she didnt look it but she did the 20 yr old pic trick lol) Dont think that's an accurate assessment.
lawsuit accuses dating apps of fostering addiction rather than providing access to love
Well, yeah, not to mention all the eye candies dating app companies pump into their dating apps to justify the Super Likes, without even the slightest chance of making it.
I really think it depends on how you use it. I met my wife on a dating app just over a decade ago, so it can be done. But I'm also a serial monogamist, so I deactivated my profile while we were dating, and so did my partner at the time. I do think that apps have potential benefits. You are both explicitly there for the purpose of dating, so there's no wondering about intentions like meeting at a bar or something. You can get some obvious deal breakers out of the way. So it's good for making the initial connection, but you do have to put effort into the relationship offline. And I can't help but wonder if that's where people are going wrong with dating.
I’m curious about what you mean with that.
For me I think there’s this gap between meeting someone and feeling attraction that’s hard to bridge. Personally I need some strong deeper connection to be attracted. And of course there’s the inherent awkward bootstrapping process of finding mutual attraction. Usually one person will lead there and that helps the other to gain interest. I suspect more often the man is expected to lead on that but the odds I’ll feel anything for someone within a couple of dates is just so low.
The last person I became very attracted to shared a number of interests and traits. She is very anti-authority. Her father left Argentina and she was raised under his rants of how terrible humans are at governing. I was raised in a household where I was constantly shown how poorly behaved the US military is. So that was a very deep connection. And of course we shared a number of interests - programming, certain movie genres, etc. In the end I found out she was trying to find a side piece (actually not the first time that’s happened to me). So that was the end of that.
This was someone I’d come to know through work over the course of months. We reconnected a year later and things were going great. But it took a good dozen or so casual encounters to realize we had a lot in common. Getting even to that point, let alone romantic or sexual attraction, with the expectations of online dating is tough.
Yes, that's what I mean by the part of the comment that you quoted. Both (potential) partners need to make a concerted effort to actually get to know each other, over time, in person. It's so easy to set some filters and swipe your finger on your phone to find a potential match like you're looking for the perfect socks on Amazon. The harder part is the actual in-person (or at least off-app) where you get to know each other and develop a connection. And because that first part (swiping and sending a message) was easy, the slightest bit of adversity while getting to know each other often leads one of the partners to immediately end things and go back to swiping. Or maybe they're still swiping in the middle of trying to develop that connection, in which case it's hard to develop that connection with the distraction of other potential people.
In your case of developing a connection with your colleague, you went through all of the work of developing that connection only to find a fundamental incompatibility (the type of relationship you're looking for, which is a very filterable property on dating apps if people are truthful) at the end. That's something that apps have the potential to prevent.
It seems to me that many people just don't want to put actual work into forming and maintaining relationships. I dealt with that when online dating as well. It was easy to tell when that was going on. I don't know if this is at all related, but I remember seeing all of those relationship advice threads on Reddit that basically said "my partner slighted me in some minor way" and all of the top comments were saying "you should break up!" instead of, you know, communicating with your partner about it. The parallel I'm trying to draw in all of this is: relationships take work to foster and maintain, apps make it easier to make the initial connection, and the combination of the two results in people seemingly trying to keep making connections until they find a relationship that is effortless.
I hear what you're saying a lot, but honestly my experience has been exactly the opposite.
When I tried dating apps, I would match with people that seemed like they would work with me, go on dates with them, and wouldn't be thrilled with that person, but also there was nothing that I immediately disliked. Our values were somewhat similar, we had at least a couple interests in common, we got along, etc. Even though that spark people talk about wasn't there, I just went with it because I thought along the lines of what you're detailing: relationships take work, and I couldn't expect a perfect person to instantly fall in love with on the first couple of dates.
That led me down a number of pretty unfulfilling relationships that lasted a few weeks to a few months, that eventually made me question if I was still even cut out to be in one, or perhaps there was something wrong with me that made me incapable of falling in love anymore. I'd always get to the point where I'd rather just be alone.
I was ready to give up until I met my current girlfriend who I instantly hit it off with. We were so similar, and it felt like a best friend that I never knew I had.
We've obviously had things we've had to work through at points in our yearlong relationship, but it didn't feel hard, or like it wasn't worth it. If anything, my standards for what dating should feel like were too low before instead of too high.
If I ever have to date again (it doesn't look like I will. We both want to get engaged soon), I'm not going to bother with anyone who doesn't make me feel amazing right from the get go. It was a total waste of time for me otherwise.
There's a happy medium to be had. Effort doesn't guarantee compatibility, and there's definitely a point where you realize after a few dates that they're not the right person for you. But I guess I'd rather go on a few dates and try and get to know the person to realize that than prematurely end things based on a single interaction (unless of course some huge red flag comes out early on).
I wonder if dating apps to connect people remotely is set up to fail in this way, but if instead people made a dating profile (with the non-negotiables listed) and only shared that with each other after they started to hit it off, maybe that would be better?
The old school dating websites were like this before pictures were easy to share
No, they don't, because soulmates aren't real. Depending on your needs in a partner, there are probably somewhere between hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people on the planet that you could be happy with. The best case scenario for a dating app is that it makes the process of sorting through those people more efficient leading to a higher probability of you finding one of the many people who you could be happy with. The article is largely discussing the efficacy of dating apps for doing that, but by framing the search as "finding a soul mate", the apps, the article, and the searchers set themselves up for failure.
If you're looking for a metaphysical, predetermined person to complete you, you aren't going to find it. If you meet someone in person, it's a lot easier to believe that you have found that person, because they are one of the potentially thousands of people that you could be happy with, and you had enough time with them in person for that spark to catch. If you're trying to meet that magical person online, you're going to go through a lot of people really quickly without finding that person, and it's probably going to be super frustrating and disheartening, regardless of how good the app is.
I agree that the original concept of soulmates is essentially mythology. But isn't the term more frequently used these days to just mean "the person I fell in love with"?
I suppose it's tough to say? It's not like people tend to clarify what they mean at the time that they say it. The linked article sort of implies in a few places that there might be more than one person out there that a person using an app could be happy with, but it's not at all explicit and could easily be taken a different way.
If that's what people are using it for, I personally think that's sort of confusing and a detriment to communication on the topic, but I'm not in charge of language so people can do what they like.
If you haven’t already seen this it’s so very well worth 12 mins of your life:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zn6gV2sdl38
Dating apps only work for people who know themselves.
Probably the demographic too. I know no one who has found their partner from an app.
Or at least no one who's willing to admit that that's how they met. When I was in college I dated a girl who I met on the app Coffee Meets Bagel. We came up with a story of how we met at a bar to tell people, but maybe that's just because the app has such a stupid name. I feel like if I met someone on Tinder, I wouldn't necessarily want to admit that, but if I met them on, perhaps, Hinge, I might be more willing to admit it.
How old are you, though? It's not at all weird for GenZ (or most Zlennials).
Not the parent commentor, but another Coffee Meets Bagel user. My fiancee and I are millenials (albeit at the tail end), and just say we met online to avoid naming the app.
It's not that it's weird to say we met via an app or online, more that the name of this particular app doesn't really roll off the tongue.
I met my SO on bumble and I hate telling people that. It feels like I'm advertising for an app that I frankly think sucks.
Even though my partner is amazing and I wouldn't have met her without the app, the whole experience using it was awful, and there's no reason we couldn't have met in about a dozen other places. Most people I tell that don't seem to unstand that, to the point where single people have sometimes gone "oh well I should get on there!", which in my opinion is the exact opposite of what they should do.
I'd argue most dating apps are between not good, and actively hostile to users. But that's rather beside the point in my case; simply put, there was no other way we were going to get together.
We're very happy together, but we would not have attended a common-denominator social function. We're primarily introverts - not that we never go out, more that it's exhausting and we would have given up long before meeting. We lived ~150km apart, and only met by setting the maximum distance to the highest the app offered (150km IIRC).
Meeting in-person was at least theoretical for you, but we kind of had to use a platform of some kind. Even if it was just to start talking and drop the app as soon as we could
I dunno
Tinder I could understand people not admitting to - let's face it , its an app with reputation basically being a way for people to hook up/meat market.
I met my partner on OG okcupid, which was such a great place then for the city I live in. I also met several people who I became long-term friends with. The findings they published were really interesting and it came off as a pretty fun place.
I haven't used any of the newer stuff, and I don't know that I'd want to if I were on the market again unless I'd failed for a while with in person gatherings.
I have a friend who was looking for someone during quarantine, she really had a rough time of it on the apps.
I also got some semblance of OG OKC-- literally had a date-turned-friend from ~10 years ago message me after something I posted on LinkedIn recently. It's crazy how those connections had some staying power.
I spent a lot of it not on the apps (for obvious reasons) but I agree it's gotten worse.
I was on apps for a really long time overall. Single for most of it. Part of it was me, but towards the end, I really think your outcomes on the app were as good as the people on it-- not in terms of quality (everyone's gotten more attractive!) but just from a respect / expectations standpoint. It might just be my own changing attitudes towards what one deserves. At the same time, the whole internet seems much more connected (in that there are so many prominent "social" platforms) but less fun-quirky-weird.
Irony of ironies. The Guardian used to promote a subscription dating app called Guardian Soulmates. I joined about 14 years ago. I got plenty of dates and met way more people than I otherwise would have in a new city. I had a few relationships that lasted 5-6 months then I met my current partner. We've been together for over 10 years now.
I think it was only as good as it was for me because I continuously worked on improving my profile and I was open to chatting with and meeting people I wouldn't normally have.
The chatting I especially liked and there were a few people that I never met up with but communicated with for years. Mostly we'd chat about our experience on the platform and about some of our more disastrous dates. This I found addictive. Especially as it was the main way that I socialised in this new city outside of work and studies. After I met my current partner I was still chatting away with my 'friends' until she found out and put her foot down. If she hadn't found out I probably would have continued chatting with them until the subscription ran out.
From the article:
So, yes, evidently dating apps can/do help you find your soulmate. If over half of people met their person online, it's working.
The frustrating thing isn't dating apps, it's just dating. Apps have their own set of pros and cons but at the end of the day it's two people, steeped in chemicals, trying to figure out if they fit. It's messy by definition.
I thought dating apps were great, but not as great as deleting them. I guess that particular feeling you get when things don't go as planned and you end up downloading them again is unique to the digital age.
I really miss online dating pre-Tinder. I used the old OKCupid a lot back in the early 2010s and had a lot of success. Because of the profile nature of it, I could specifically search for the people I was interested in with shared hobbies and such - so vast majority of my dates were fun with a lot to talk about even if the romantic side didn’t work out. Plus I hypothesize that having to put effort into a profile helps weed out people who won’t put effort into the date itself
These new apps aren’t “science”, they’re over-engineering for engagement as already pointed out. There is still good on there - 2 of my last 3 relationships came from Tinder - but the experience as a whole is awful. Being served a bunch of profiles I would not be interested in serves no purpose but wasting time - and what paid filters I’ve tried haven’t actually worked. The fact there’s character limits also means there’s basically nothing to go off of besides pictures. Like WHY should I be interested in this person? And why did so much of the online dating space take up this model? ($$$)
I’ve been (mostly) single since 2019 and 1-2 times a year I’ll get the urge to try online dating again. But it never lasts long of boring swipes before capped off by a pleasant but drab date with someone not really compatible. It’s incredibly frustrating remembering what it used to be like and what the experience is now.
To me it’s an indictment of the change of the internet as a whole - from being a system built with tools to find what you want to a system that serves you what makes itself the most amount of money
I havent used apps since OKCupid, Plentyoffish and HotOrNot days. But I totally agree about the longform profile thing. That was how I easily culled out the kind of people I didn't want to date. Can't spell? Sorry, thats a non starter (ex English teacher here). Grammar really sucks? Nope. Can't write more than two sentences? Probably not compatible.
I actually wrote paragraphs and paragraphs for my profile and it was really effective. Between being able to write decently, having hair AND being employed, I had no problem getting dates lol. And I found my wife online, so I guess it worked.
I met my current fiance on Tumblr over ten years ago. Gosh I never thought that would make me feel old. We tagged things we both liked and eventually met up one day. I dated a few people from Tumblr in college, more than okcupid or tinder at the time. Connections seemed more organic and authentic on that platform even though it wasn't meant for dating. It's weird but people were strangely open on it for awhile, the things they reblogged or posted gave you a real sense of who they were. It didn't feel like there were influencers the same way there are now, although there were plenty of "Tumblr famous" people, they were simply just cool.
As for the success of my current relationship, it seems we were also very lucky. I tend to attribute it to both of us having similar interests in art and music, political ideologies, middle class family upbringings, and future goals and aspirations. I think the similar middle class upbringing is more important than people want to admit because the way you were brought up comes with a lot of certain expectations about people and the world. If it doesn't line up for a couple it can add to the friction a relationship naturally has.
This is an interesting effort. If I can take the stereotypes of what apps do to the extreme-- which is optimize for engagement instead of outcomes-- I wonder what larger effects this has on society / government. For example, how many people live alone instead of a partner? How many people are paying for egg freezing instead of freezing fertilized eggs or having kids? How many people are paying 2x the rent to live alone? (And how many are then occupying an apartment that could then go to another couple?) More dramatically, if states made their own apps, I wonder what traits they would match on for greater social outcomes? (I am not advocating for this-- just thinking about it from a Dune or Koi to Uso perspective.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brrdn3OLODE