beanie's recent activity

  1. Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (March 2022) in ~health.mental

    beanie
    Link Parent
    In the general, I find this specific thought very interesting. I sometimes like to view myself as someone I need to take care of, and sometimes that idea extends to viewing myself as a separate...

    but you can tell by their voice that they're just disappointed in you

    In the general, I find this specific thought very interesting. I sometimes like to view myself as someone I need to take care of, and sometimes that idea extends to viewing myself as a separate human being. So, when I read that line, I asked myself "have I ever been disappointed in someone before? what would it take to be disappointed in someone else?"

    I don't necessarily think I have been fully disappointed in someone. Maybe my father? But come to think of it, I wouldn't use the word disappointed. Maybe I don't like him or agree with how he conducts himself, treats me or treats others... I can't really say I'm disappointed in him though.

    I guess I could be disappointed in an outcome. But I don't think I could say I'm disappointed in a specific person...

    I don't mean to ignore the rest of your post. It's extremely understandable. For now I'll say that I hear you.

    2 votes

  2. Comment on I need life/career advice in ~life

    beanie
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    An observation: you mentioned that you're hesitant to pivot in your writing career by starting a new pen name (due to sunk cost fallacy and difficulty to gain traction with new pen name), yet...

    An observation: you mentioned that you're hesitant to pivot in your writing career by starting a new pen name (due to sunk cost fallacy and difficulty to gain traction with new pen name), yet you're willing to experiment with pivoting to IT/web development/etc. with a small company (where you'd be starting from a junior level position - where you'd have to work to gain traction, grow, and work up to a higher paying position, possibly with a larger company as funds in this small development company may have you hit a ceiling fast. In that case, you may find yourself within a sunk cost fallacy soon too).

    Sounds like you want a change imo. The newness may be something that is exciting to you. You already know the writing business, starting a new pen name, as you mentioned, will probably take time to gain traction, but a caveat is that you're coming from a more experienced/knowledgeable level, so hopefully the traction wouldn't be as slow as the first time 'round. But that doesn't mean you can't do it on the side or do it later on in life... or not at all, maybe it's okay to have writing as something you did in the past. Our interests change.

    I just hope you aren't looking at this to spend more time with your partner. Or maybe only jumping into it because, well, someone likes you and we like to be liked and receive gratification/ connection. I don't get that vibe from you though.

    Just a different perspective. Can't say I'm giving advice. Just a thought.

    10 votes

  3. Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (February 2022) in ~health.mental

    beanie
    Link Parent
    Isn't it great we know when something is off? It's frustrating that we don't really know what, but the fact we have our own alarm systems in ourselves saying "beep beep beeep!" I don't have any...

    Isn't it great we know when something is off? It's frustrating that we don't really know what, but the fact we have our own alarm systems in ourselves saying "beep beep beeep!"

    I don't have any advice. I've gotten those feelings about different circumstances. I wanted to acknowledge your presence. I see you, hear you and, to my knowledge, understand the feelings you're feeling.

    5 votes

  4. Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (February 2022) in ~health.mental

    beanie
    Link Parent
    yeah, the stigma is there with the people i'm around right now. there's maybe 1 or 2 people i can talk to about this, but they get exhausted too. the stigma is so much and mental illness is so (as...

    A friend from college who went on to be a therapist told me a couple months ago that the first thing they try to do with people that are having mental health issues is surround them with healthy people.

    yeah, the stigma is there with the people i'm around right now. there's maybe 1 or 2 people i can talk to about this, but they get exhausted too. the stigma is so much and mental illness is so (as a previous therapist of mine said) messy, no one wants to get involved.

    but are there any activities you can do that help you relax? Get a bit of cardio in? Can you think of things in the past week you feel good about yourself for? Things you look forward to doing, once things settle?

    I went on some hikes this week. it was nice to meet my fellow, lone-wolf, regular hikers. We exchange some tips and jokes for about a minute and move on. What's crazy is that I feel good about volunteering at cat shelters, and I try and share my love/ excitement/ experiences with the only person I talk to regularly (my mom) and it's like she's jealous of the cats, dismisses me, shuts me down, calls me names, discourages me b/c it's in a black neighborhood. the works! it's hard to do things when you depend on the toxic person for their car/ resources. it's also hard when this is the main, real life person you talk to daily. it forces you to stay quiet. oh, i just don't like her. everything you do is questioned, critiqued and ridiculed. I'll genuinely be out soon, I just need to depend on her for her car for 2 moving trips to get my stuff out of here and pick up a table/chairs. Which, she'll try to make difficult by doing last minute errands/ faking scenarios where she needs the car, because she's toxic like that. I'll be bare bones in the apt. sleeping on the floor. no car. just a set up for my computer so i can do work and i'll take share rides to my job sites if need be. it'll be hard, but i'll make it work. I really hope I can set up the internet in the new place. or else I'll need to stay at my moms for longer to get work done.

    i'm looking forward to taking a bath. breathing. eating a fucking fruit and vegetable (again, my moms a trip). walking. cooking for myself. once i get some more money, maybe another paycheck, baking. it being quiet at home. cutting my hair, i need a trim. maybe hand sewing small projects. not taking as many pills to calm down and sleep.

    thanks for talking with me.

    4 votes

  5. Comment on How to know if you’re addicted in ~health.mental

    beanie
    Link
    thank you.

    thank you.

    2 votes

  6. Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (February 2022) in ~health.mental

    beanie
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    omg, my mental health is still bad. i'm like, panicing. i really need to get out of my moms place. and i will. all of the opinions of other people swirl round and round in my head. and it's...

    omg, my mental health is still bad. i'm like, panicing.

    i really need to get out of my moms place. and i will.

    all of the opinions of other people swirl round and round in my head. and it's stopping me from being myself and seeking out new/ healthy relationships. so i only have the old ones swirling round and round.

    i start training at a cat shelter tomorrow. so, that should be nice.

    all should come into place once i'm out of my moms, which should be this weekend. she's a horrible woman. just trust me on that one... maybe i should be specific, she triggers me. today, she said "wow, we don't have any photos together"... i knew this, btw. it's b/c she has ignored me her entire life. it's okay to hate each other. it's A - OK! let's continue not to have photos with each other.

    i get to go to my own place soon. i'll gain financial stability in a couple of months, or at least, be financially at the same place i was before i left my job over a year ago. the marshmellow test. i just need to be patient, keep putting in the work. keep being sober. and continue to seek out good/ helpful relationships.

    i'm almost there. just need to be patient. one step at a time. it'll only be about a day or 2 more. i got this.

    5 votes

  7. Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (February 2022) in ~health.mental

    beanie
    (edited )
    Link Parent
    For me, it's a place that I don't have to remain quiet/ in hiding about. There's no shame here. It's also nice to hear other people's stories b/c it's nice to not feel like an outcast. (you...

    For me, it's a place that I don't have to remain quiet/ in hiding about. There's no shame here.

    It's also nice to hear other people's stories b/c it's nice to not feel like an outcast. (you resonate with some of the others experiences).

    I upvote when I resonate with someones experience, yet have nothing really to add or share or maybe don't have the energy to add or share. [edit, sorry, i effed up the sentence. gurp.]

    I'd say, do what you want. You are the holder of the @ahatlikethat account. So, be you.

    NOW WAIT A MINUTE, YOUR NAME IS A HAT LIKE THAT AND MINE IS BEANIE!? NO WAY, DAWG!

    [another edit] it's also nice to be reminded of coping mechanisms through other ppls experiences. and to see your stuff written out. when you write it out for others to read, you read/re-read (as opposed to writing for yourself/ journaling for your own eyes). and you can gain more insight that way.

    9 votes

  8. Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (February 2022) in ~health.mental

    beanie
    Link
    hmmm.... bad? more learning curves? spiraling, but spiraling up? (I honestly hate that last one, but there have been sayings in my past that I've hated and yet still rely on; i.e.: serenity...

    hmmm.... bad? more learning curves? spiraling, but spiraling up? (I honestly hate that last one, but there have been sayings in my past that I've hated and yet still rely on; i.e.: serenity prayer)

    My sleeps been bad, last night was better, since I took some melatonins (yes, plural, don't judge me, I need my sleeps! I promise I was safe about it). So I'm actually able to articulate why my mental health has been bad, as opposed to before when it all comes out as gibberish. (As I'm proof-reading my post, I'm seeing so many spelling mistakes and weirdly constructed sentences (I wrote lunch instead of lungs... tf?). I'm going to miss a bunch of errors, please forgive me. My sleep was better last night, still insufficient though).

    My older sister wanted wine last night, so I drank a little bit. I'd prefer to be sober (from weed and alcohol). Her car reeeks of MJ. My body is like "awww yeah, here we go! like riding a bike!" and does it's ghostly-like reactions. I didn't smoke, but I got reminded that even a little drinking is not good for my mental health (spiral down, doomsday outlook on things, just overall not good). It's a whole lot to explain to ppl though. It's easier to take the drink. Once it's in my hand, down the shoot! I know I'm not doing good mental health wise bc I saw a candid video of myself, yeesh, I need to shower.

    More often than not these days the negative of my mental illness is more apparent. I remember when my mental illness was endearing, cute, different. Then it became a logical reaction to my surroundings mix (nurture) with nature mixed in. I always tell people... it gets worse if you don't work on it. It is exhausting to work on it everyday. It's more exhausting to be a train wreck though, haha. It's a negative feedback loop.

    When I don't get sleep, it feels like I'm a chicken with it's head cut off. Like idk what's going on with my brain and I'm trying to gain control of my body/ emotions (waking up struggling to wet dream is so painful. You aren't even aroused, but your body is like... we're doing this now, you're at your moms house, remember when he used to force you to touch him? And sometimes your body reacts... like riding a bike). The same, unfinished, confusing, unimportant sentence replays over and over again in my brain. Like a schizophrenic person wondering the streets, they resonate with me. Spiraling up? Cup half full? At least I'm not hearing a woman screeech at the top of her lungs when I feel myself falling asleep like I did years ago, jolting myself awake throughout the night. Or the sound of crunchy rocks under your shoes when I closed my eyes, stopping me from sleeping.

    Going back to nature/nurture/it gets worse as you get older. I used to frequent this depression/ bipolar support group meetings. There was this one dude that would go on-and-on about how the brain is like a computer, he needs to change some software. In my head, I'd half listen/ understand, half dismiss/ say it's okay if I don't fully understand (we all find analogies/ relate to things in our own ways). Now that I've worked really really hard with many therapists swapping out softwares (learned behaviors), I'm beginning to see the limits of updating said softwares. We are only as strong as our hardware too. And, as we get older, our hardware has some wear-and-tear. Those can also be strengthened, but the deterioration is an inevitable fact of life. It's an interesting dilemma.

    Lastly, mental illness is a different extant than mental health. Don't tell a person who is schizophrenic to drink some tea, don't take an autistic person to an acupuncturist. Yes, those things can help. But don't be fooled to think that just because it's better that it's all good... FIXED! DING! ALL DONE!

    6 votes

  9. Comment on What have you been listening to this week? in ~music

    beanie
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    Jungkook of BTS sings covers and tried to make a song on some of his vlives. It's nice to see the song writing process and it's reassuring to see talented people struggle (as in, things don't come...

    Jungkook of BTS sings covers and tried to make a song on some of his vlives. It's nice to see the song writing process and it's reassuring to see talented people struggle (as in, things don't come easy to them as the media can portray and people are self-conscious, yet still put themselves out there). Also, it's very intimate and he has a very nice voice.

    2 votes

  10. Comment on Women in tech and business: What was the best advice you got about promoting yourself at work? in ~talk

    beanie
    (edited )
    Link
    Can women in construction/ engineering add? Put your name on your work (whether it's a template you created, a project you're working on, any document you created, etc.) Take the lead when talking...

    Can women in construction/ engineering add?

    • Put your name on your work (whether it's a template you created, a project you're working on, any document you created, etc.)
    • Take the lead when talking about your project/ don't allow others to talk on your behalf on your project. What I mean by this is, if there's a presentation on your project, you be the speaker of that presentation. If others, like your manager/ boss, want to present, make sure to request to have a couple of slides/ time in the presentation as it's your work and make the logical case for it (it's a project that you know the details about, you are invested in the project/ how it's presented, etc.)
    • Write about the projects you've lead on your resume and include numbers

    [edit] I forgot to mention how it changed my behavior and the outcomes.

    1. I started putting my name on my templates/ calculators and got more recognition for my work.
    2. People were impressed with the calculators/ templates I created. I became the source to go to on said calculators/ templates. I also got more interesting projects and questions since that trust was built. It felt like I became a core member (not indispensable though, hence putting down numbers/ hard skills/ project details on resumes).
    3. Putting down hard skills/ numbers/ project descriptions/ templates formed/ presentation/ outcomes of projects on resumes gave prospective employers a better understanding of my capacity. Additionally, it helps to find the best fit within the company. It also lands you the higher position since they know what you're capable of. It also allowed for better flow of conversation during the interview. You can talk about the details of your project, issues faced, how you overcame, outcomes, etc. and then they start talking about similar projects of their own. Then you can nerd out.
    7 votes

  11. Comment on Dream journal thread in ~talk

    beanie
    Link
    I know this topic is over a year old, I probably missed the dream boat... I'm wondering if we could make the dream thread reoccurring since they keep happening? Maybe dreams aren't all that unique...

    I know this topic is over a year old, I probably missed the dream boat... I'm wondering if we could make the dream thread reoccurring since they keep happening? Maybe dreams aren't all that unique and the thread would get old from dream tropes.

    Despite that, I'm still going to describe my horrid nightmare I had 2 nights ago. I felt bitter-sweet after waking up since it was the best sleep I had gotten in a while, yet it was plagued by the picture show ouchies.

    I was in some sort of island resort promotional thingy with my siblings. We were all sitting in the large dinning hall, my brother faced me with his entire body, knees together, and disclosed to me that he likes feeling a rush and is feeling anxious (insinuating he wants to do drugs/ excessive drinking... which, in real life, I think he has a problem with substance abuse). I told him a suggestion to get a rush by doing an extreme sport or something he's never done before to try and shake the feeling. I brought up surfing, he wasn't interested and wanted to stay in the dinning hall. My other siblings and I went to try surfing, but first, we had to take a safety course.

    The safety course was in this large room where all the walls projected a live stream of the ocean at the resort. Out of nowhere, some sort of tsunami came that made the (out of nowhere) "smart" resort into some sort of virus/ rogue thingy.

    Somehow we get in contact with my brother, either on the phone or his voice is being projected through the PA system of this rogue resort. He explains the robot in the dinning hall is killing people one by one... but he's sure the robot won't kill him, because the robot loves him. One by one, we hear cracks of bones, squishes of organs, yelps of human bodies, until finally my brother discloses there's 2 people felt, himself and another guy. Then the other guy's death is heard over the PA. My brother won't let up, he says he knows the robot won't ever hurt him, because the robot loves him. And then, I hear his body crack open.

    The dream still troubles me.

    4 votes

  12. Comment on What small purchase has vastly improved your life? in ~life

    beanie
    Link Parent
    I'm staying at my moms place and she has very thin walls. I've come to the conclusion that the neighbors dgaf. Do you have any brand/style recommendations? I've been using the foam ear plugs. At...

    I'm staying at my moms place and she has very thin walls. I've come to the conclusion that the neighbors dgaf. Do you have any brand/style recommendations?

    I've been using the foam ear plugs. At first they were itchy and I'd take them off in the middle of the night when the neighbors finally called it. I've gotten used to them now, but I'm still interested in recommendations. I've been eyeing moldable ear plugs since I'll need them for the job site too (I'll get one for job site, another for sleeping).

    3 votes

  13. Comment on What small purchase has vastly improved your life? in ~life

    beanie
    (edited )
    Link Parent
    I have been working to convince my husband to transition to rice cookers for years! He's a pressure cooker person and I suck at using those (I never seem to use enough water, all rice/lentils are...

    I have been working to convince my husband to transition to rice cookers for years! He's a pressure cooker person and I suck at using those (I never seem to use enough water, all rice/lentils are different and idk how many whistles to wait until it's cooked and I can't see the food cooking without removing the pressure and starting over and also I hate the loud whistles, I can't seem to clean it properly and it gets stuck or foams... very scary --- I've ruined pressure cookers and I feel bad about it because they are expensive).

    I know I could always just buy a rice cooker, but I don't want to clutter the kitchen space with so many different things that can essentially make the same thing in the same amount of time. But recently he finally convinced himself it's a better choice... I will jump at this opportunity to buy a rice cooker, mwahahahaha!!! We essentially eat rice daily. Even if he changes his mind... I'm buying myself a small rice cooker, so what for the clutter, at this point, me using a pressure cooker is a safety hazard.

    7 votes

  14. Comment on What small purchase has vastly improved your life? in ~life

    beanie
    (edited )
    Link
    I got an onigiri mold at Daiso for $1.50. I don't have to go to the store for rice balls now =]. I recently purchased a golden hour lamp, I can enjoy a mock version of the sun when it's gloomy...

    I got an onigiri mold at Daiso for $1.50. I don't have to go to the store for rice balls now =].

    I recently purchased a golden hour lamp, I can enjoy a mock version of the sun when it's gloomy outside or if I have to stay indoors for long periods of time.

    As I wrote this, my husbands car got a flat tire, so I'll add: portable tire inflator. And I'll add a foldable/ portable dolly (although I have yet to purchase, I've had one in the past that gets passed around family members... it's time to spread my wings and get my own.)

    And, my menstrual cup. I can be on a job site and not have to worry about changing out my menstrual hygiene product. I'll add electric heating pad. And prozac and anaprox, but they are pricey and you need a prescription for that. Changed my life.

    11 votes

  15. Comment on Oglers, repeated glancers, gazers - Stories and opinions in ~talk

    beanie
    (edited )
    Link Parent
    I did mention that some of the discomfort comes from trauma in the post, hence not feeling safe and secure. The trauma: a family member used to watch me/ analyze me... then he fucked me, I was 9....

    I did mention that some of the discomfort comes from trauma in the post, hence not feeling safe and secure. The trauma: a family member used to watch me/ analyze me... then he fucked me, I was 9.

    I was also analyzed and watched on a job site, they waited until I was alone with them, and somehow disclosed they wished they met me before they met their wife and kissed me on my face.

    Pre-covid times of being watched in a club, me noticing being watched, saying "ugh/ ew/ wtf" as loud as possible to make the point that I'm not interested... well, that never worked, still decided to approach me and talk to me even with the countless declines.

    [Edit: Or the time I was doing yoga at the gym with a male yogi, a personal trainer that worked for the gym would look at me extensively (even though he had his own client to pay attention to). I made it apparent that I see him by stopping what I was doing and looking directly at him. The male yogi I was with noticed and asked the trainer "can we help you with something", he said "no" and finally looked away. That is, until my male yogi friend left the gym, the the trainer was back to ogling/ staring. For me: it's about power/ control. Needless to say, I cancelled my membership. This is also the main reason why I usually do group classes rather than work out by myself at the gym. I actively change my routine to make sure I'm most comfortable and away from ogles/ stares. And I'm tired of changing my routine. I work out outside at a park now, I won't dare do yoga there, I just run and and do low intensity work outs, there's a guy who doesn't do yoga, but just lays down on a yoga mat... staring, smiling, following me with his eyes. I'm sure one day he'll try and talk to me. I make sure I do my low intensity work outs out of his line of vision. And I noticed that the more I'm conscious about my surroundings, the less attention I have for noticing my form. The stares take away from the workout. It's an interruption.]

    The feeling of insecure (unsafe is the better term as you mentioned), comes from being sexualized and sexual assault. Having my consent withdrawn from me (which started from being watched - prey/preditor).

    Many years of therapy, prefer not to talk about it, it has been and will be something I struggle with and actively work on every day (including behavioral issues, substance abuse, relationship with food/ body (if I'm not attractive, they won't be interested, same goes for resting btch face), etc.).

    And, again, as I mentioned in previous responses, I can't say all my discomfort stems from here because others have disclosed their discomfort in being watched/ ogled/ glared at when doing physically strenuous activities (or just mundane activities).

    *caveat, I do find myself attractive and am pretty confident in safe spaces, I like the way I look and my personality. I just don't like being sexualized.

    2 votes

  16. Comment on Six months after lifelong depression in ~talk

    beanie
    Link Parent
    Alright, take your time, I'm sorry if I came off as pushy. This is your journey and take the path that is best for you. I don't think saying "I've been there" is going to help you right now, but...

    Alright, take your time, I'm sorry if I came off as pushy. This is your journey and take the path that is best for you. I don't think saying "I've been there" is going to help you right now, but I've definitely been there (I spent most of the past year laying down on my husbands couch, smoking weed, binge eating, and not brushing my teeth/ showering - I work on it everyday not to fall into that cycle). But, that's making it about me... this is about you right now. I see you, I hope I can be a person of the many who can validate your experience. I believe you when you say you don't feel connected to people and are unhappy/ were unhappy for a long time. From the description you gave about some of your childhood circumstances, it makes sense why your past was terrible and why you feel this way. You can mourn the childhood you didn't have.

    My husband recently sent me a science article which pertained to my childhood abuse. Although I understand the effects from my past experiences, I cannot for the life of me comprehend what it would be like for a person who didn't go through the same experiences as me. Like, I know how we are different and how the experience effected me, but I don't know what life would be like otherwise? Which causes some of the disconnected feeling I feel when I talk to others. Anyway. Looks like I just made it about me again. I'm sorry dude. Whatevs. Life's a weird glob anyway.

    4 votes

  17. Comment on Oglers, repeated glancers, gazers - Stories and opinions in ~talk

    beanie
    (edited )
    Link Parent
    I guess with this post my aim is to make people more conscious. I can say it's all trauma, but I don't think all of it comes from there tbh. Women have locker room talk too, we gossip. In many of...

    I guess with this post my aim is to make people more conscious. I can say it's all trauma, but I don't think all of it comes from there tbh.

    Women have locker room talk too, we gossip. In many of those sauna room chats, we talk about how it's uncomfortable when we get stared at in the gym. We've all come up with different ways to respond: some ignore, some make ugly faces, some where baggy clothes (me), some stop our workout completely to make it apparent that we see them, some directly address the issue, etc. Either way, it's something that is an interruption (even ignoring takes effort) and that takes away from the work out: we want to de-stress and have goals/ determinations too. And for those who think wearing specific type of clothing is asking for it, in those sauna chats, people say they wear those clothes to give them more confidence and they end up having a better work-out because of that confidence.

    Males are attractive too, there's a meme out there about grey sweatpants (oh, great heavens!), I actively and consciously try not invade other people's personal space by not looking at the bulge; penis' bounce when those with penis' run/ jog (just like breasts do)! I'm not out here ogling, licking my lips, staring, etc. The ogling does happen to men, there are people who talk about it on different platforms. I think it happens more to women. In either case, regardless of sex, it's uncomfortable and invasive.

    I think we all should become a little bit more conscious of our actions. Of course, there is the extreme which may lead to the path to social-anxiety where you question your every action or non-action. Just a little bit more conscious is fine imo.

    For me, when it comes to oglers in the form of "people watchers" (referencing @turnipostrophe and @Omnicrola), I feel like there are so many people who are out there who give permission to be watched (content makers in any platform, even authors in fiction/ non-fiction (I reference fiction because in @turnipostrophe, they are essentially fantasizing/ making up a persons past/ present/ future trajectory, so I think fiction is fair game), the porn industry, etc.). And in the case of giving permission to be watched, the person who gives permission is given some power back: they choose what you can see.

    I personally think the slightly weird part of people watching is the power dynamic: I want to watch you while going unnoticed and without consequence, I want to know more about you without you knowing more about me, I want to observe you and make whatever conclusions/ judgements about you without you getting a say... and there is nothing you could really do about it.

    8 votes

  18. Comment on Oglers, repeated glancers, gazers - Stories and opinions in ~talk

    beanie
    Link Parent
    Weirdly, I'm okay with that. It's usually in a professional environment and I'm there to convey information that people are (or should be) interested in (and if they aren't, they're twiddling...

    Weirdly, I'm okay with that. It's usually in a professional environment and I'm there to convey information that people are (or should be) interested in (and if they aren't, they're twiddling their thumbs or something). Also, since I'd be the speaker when presenting, I have the attention/ upper hand and can ask a person who I'd thought was staring weirdly if they had any questions or had something to add (put them on the spot, so to speak and have people stare at them weirdly to see how they like it). Also, I kinda view presenting as a performance, so in that case, I can be a performer (not myself).

    3 votes

  19. Comment on Oglers, repeated glancers, gazers - Stories and opinions in ~talk

    beanie
    (edited )
    Link Parent
    Group zoom meetings, I usually like to have my camera off, however, I sometimes feel bad for the speaker and will occasionally turn the camera on to give them visual feedback (a nod, smile, or...

    Group zoom meetings, I usually like to have my camera off, however, I sometimes feel bad for the speaker and will occasionally turn the camera on to give them visual feedback (a nod, smile, or thumbs up to show that people are listening/ understanding/ interested).

    In small group meetings, it's usually required of me to have my camera on, although I'd prefer to have my camera off. I understand having the camera on give visual cues (you know when the person is about to stop talking/ when it's your turn to talk, again with visual cues to the speaker to show that you're understanding them).

    To be completely honest with you, I have a hard time looking at other people in the zoom meetings though. I'm usually looking out a window and I get self conscious b/c somehow that's been interpreted that I'm not listening - so I force myself to smile and look at the camera, so uncomfortable. Also, I've been doing interviews recently and I think there is a study saying if you're more attractive/ smiling, you are most likely to get the job (so, I have to do the make-ups, smile, all that jazz). Going back, I think looking out the window has to do with me not liking being indoors. I'm attracted to light and I often stare out a window when answering questions and it also feels like I can pay attention more when I'm not looking directly at the person speaking/ I can hear them better when I look outside a window. I have to compromise though. So, that's why I work in the field, I can always (or almost always) be outside. But weirdly, when I work with construction/ field workers, I can look them in the eye when we're having a conversation. Maybe it has to do with being outdoors, knowing that I can make a run for it and can't be cornered? Or maybe it's to show them I respect them, care what they think, etc. because I know they get treated really poorly? I work in sewer, so, you have to look the contractor in the eye, you can't be ashamed, you have to show them you respect them, and you have to shake their hand! (you can always hand sanitize later)

    Thank you for telling me you people watch on Zoom! Yeeeeeee, my privacy! If I'm snooping on Zoom, I'm usually seeing what their pet is doing (watching them live their best life). But usually, if my camera is off, I'm staring out a window.

    6 votes

  20. Comment on Oglers, repeated glancers, gazers - Stories and opinions in ~talk

    beanie
    Link Parent
    @Omnicrola, fascinating, I do avoid making eye contact with myself in the mirror! And yes, it does make me feel eerily similar (eerie) to when other people stare at me! @kyotja, Loll! No need to...

    @Omnicrola, fascinating, I do avoid making eye contact with myself in the mirror! And yes, it does make me feel eerily similar (eerie) to when other people stare at me!

    @kyotja, Loll! No need to apologize. I wouldn't put accidental eye contact in the same category since there is usually an immediate reaction to look away (awkwardly, not guiltily) and, well, it was accidental. I'm talking about a person not knowing they are being watched and then they find a pair of eyes on them (intense, not looking away, suggestive sometimes, eeeee!). I think I'll refrain from doing the experiment in the article you sent. I'm already freaked by my reflection, but it's great to know why I am freaked and that I'm not the only one!

    Given the articles and questions @Omnicrola and @kyotja referenced, I think I have a better understanding of why the extended/ suggestive eye contact gives me the creeps: I think it stems from the fear of being vulnerable. Like, yeesh, I get it, I would have no control if you decided to attack me right now, you really can look at me all you want and I can do absolutely nothing about it. It makes the power dynamic more apparent.

    5 votes