beanie's recent activity

  1. Comment on Surviving the winter in ~life

    beanie
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    Thank you for this post. I have seasonal depression too. It's real. It's so hard for me to focus on anything. All I want to do is keep my eyes closed. I depend a lot more on weed. I am ruining my...

    Thank you for this post.

    "haha yeah I have seasonal depression too,"
    Haha, yeah. I've found that people are really uncomfortable talking about their feelings.

    I have seasonal depression too. It's real. It's so hard for me to focus on anything. All I want to do is keep my eyes closed. I depend a lot more on weed. I am ruining my personal relationships with people because my emotional state is too demanding/hard to cope with. I feel like a horrible person. I feel like the only way to explain it is to imagine that you're fighting for your life: you'd do just about anything to keep yourself alive. Imagine if it's your own brain/psyche you are trying to survive from. Does that make sense? I feel like that doesn't make sense. Yeah, that also happens when I'm depressed, I feel like I can't understand people and they can't understand me. I feel incoherent, incompetent, over-bearing, that I engage in more dangerous activities, that I can't stay awake, that life's has no purpose. I feel lonely, isolated and a pain to love.

    It's horrible.

    These are my go-to's, they slightly work for me sometimes: weed (not the healthiest habit), listen to music/try and find new music, try and exercise/move, reach out to people (that's tough because you don't want to feel like a burden), read, wash dishes/focus on cleaning 1 item (confidence booster so you don't feel useless/that you can't do anything), try a craft project. Some are really hard to do because of the lack of energy.

    I hope my post doesn't come off as "too depressing". I've found that other people find me overwhelming.

    Anyway, thanks for this post again. It helps to vent.

    7 votes
  2. Comment on What have you been listening to this week? in ~music

    beanie
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    I've been diving into Tyler, The Creator. I like his songs "Glitter", "911/Mr. Lonely", "Who Dat Boy" and "I THINK". I've also been listening to Nina Samone's "Be My Husband".

    I've been diving into Tyler, The Creator. I like his songs "Glitter", "911/Mr. Lonely", "Who Dat Boy" and "I THINK".

    I've also been listening to Nina Samone's "Be My Husband".

    2 votes
  3. Comment on Thoughts in ~talk

    beanie
    Link
    Although our experiences with life differ, I think I know how you feel. This feeling that the more I go on, the more cringy moments/bad decisions accumulate. To the point I no longer trust myself...

    Although our experiences with life differ, I think I know how you feel.

    This feeling that the more I go on, the more cringy moments/bad decisions accumulate. To the point I no longer trust myself to make decisions. Sleeping away the consciousness is a form of suicide. So is putting myself in dangerous situations over and over again (hay, if I die by being in a dangerous situation, the suicide's not on me, right?). I cycle between these two extremes, both are distractions. We know our sub-conscious and what we're doing. Maybe hiding something from us that seems so painful to look at. Or maybe just bipolar... idk.

    I don't want to bombard you with advice. What I want and what works for me may not work for you. I think you know what you truly want and/or what's best for you. Sometimes finding that out requires us to stop the bad habits and start listening to ourselves. And that fear that if we stop and listen, it may not have anything to say. That's what makes me run towards those bad habits sometimes. Anything to stop all that noise in my head, it's so loud, yet it says nothing.

    I've noticed for myself that I treat others way better than I treat myself. So I try my best to treat myself how I do another person, a person that I love. I wouldn't feed someone I love horrible foods/drinks, I wouldn't call them the names I call myself, I wouldn't be as critical to them as I am myself, I wouldn't lock them in sleep/put them in dangerous situations if they are going thru a bad time. I'd make them something healthy, maybe a fruit plate, I'd encourage them to do the thing they love: maybe that's going outside, hiking, painting, making music. I'd hug them and be by their side when they are going through a tough time.

    I can bombard you with advice, but I feel like that wouldn't help. Know that you aren't alone. And you aren't a failure or embarrassing to be around or a train wreck or whatever it is you're calling yourself. Maybe you're stuck between being the person you want to be and being the person society wants you to be? Shot in the dark here... maybe projecting.

    Yeah... you seem like a pretty cool person (spunky, tenacity) who's going through a rough time. And you sound fun as shit. Stopping those dangerous things won't make you less fun, trust me.

    10 votes
  4. Comment on If you come from a historically/actively oppressed racial/ethnic group, how has that affected you? in ~talk

    beanie
    Link Parent
    I like the diversity the US has, especially in the major cities. Because of my exposure to people of various races, I have been able to find that, although there are differences, there are so many...

    How do you think growing up in the US has shaped your views on other races?

    I like the diversity the US has, especially in the major cities. Because of my exposure to people of various races, I have been able to find that, although there are differences, there are so many similarities and it's so beautiful to share that experience and learn about all the different cultural norms and rituals.

    Have you ever had to remind yourself not to make assumptions of any other particular type of people in a similar way to how those above might have assumed of you?

    Sigh. I need to do this more often. I avoid making assumptions for minorities very well (or at least I think I do). I try my best to allow an individual tell me their individual views, opinions, likes and dislikes. However, and it has been brought to my attention, that I do not give the same respect to the majority (Caucasians). I recognize that this is true and I am trying my best to stop this. It usually manifests when something goes wrong, it could be something as minor as getting cut in line at the grocery store. I find myself quickly saying "oh, these white ppl". That's not okay and I recognize it's not okay and am actively changing.

    How well represented do you feel your background is in the larger debate about race in America?

    Hmm... I think we're well represented in the larger debate about race in America. However, I do feel that people from my background and culture need to work on having conversations about race and be better at contributing to the debate.

    How do you view the impact of colorism within the Iranian cultural context, if any? For both men and women.

    I can't say there is colorism within the Iranian culture. However, other western beauty standards, like having a small-swoopy nose or 2 eyebrows, have had an impact on both men and women in our culture.

    7 votes
  5. Comment on If you come from a historically/actively oppressed racial/ethnic group, how has that affected you? in ~talk

    beanie
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    I can't say I'm actively oppressed due solely due to my race/ethnic background, but the fact that I'm a minority (or "Other") has affected my life. I'm a Jewish-Iranian female (who has mental...
    • Exemplary

    I can't say I'm actively oppressed due solely due to my race/ethnic background, but the fact that I'm a minority (or "Other") has affected my life.

    I'm a Jewish-Iranian female (who has mental health issues - but that's a different conversation) working in the STEM field.

    Getting "Randomly Checked" at TSA is a normal thing for me that my husband playfully says "Random Check" is my middle name. It's no harm really. So what, I spend an extra couple of minutes at the security line. I think what bothers me most is the fact that the majority *doesn't believe me when I say I'm looked at/treated differently.

    I've been told to my face by more than 1 employer that they were surprised to know that I spoke English well. In one instance, my supervisor stated that when the company was looking at resumes, they were surprised to find that me and my coworker spoke English well. (Side note: my coworker's first/last name is Arabic, my last name is Arabic. Second side note: Iranians speak Farsi, my family just weirdly changed our last name to an Arabic one). I told my supervisor that we both were born, lived and were brought up in the United States, why would we have a problem with English? It could be seen in my cover letter that I'm fluent in English. He avoided the question/ brushed it off with "idk".

    It makes me wonder if their were other opportunities that I wasn't considered for based on my last name. My significant other asked me to try and submit my resume with a different last name (like that one social experiment where the person sent in his resume under different names). I told my significant other that I didn't want to start off a working relationship like that.

    I remember during an interview I asked about there diversity of female engineers in the company (specifically in the engineering/construction department). The interviewer grumbled! And quickly said "50/50!". I did not get a second interview.

    Again, these things are weird. So hard to actually prove. Maybe I didn't get a second interview because I wasn't a strong candidate. That's totally plausible.

    Socially, brownish/beige women aren't really seen as "attractive" by the majority (just look at the "Popular" page on Pornhub - no one looks like me). Or we're seen as "good girls" or "conservative". It affects how people treat me/ invite me (or not invite me) to social gatherings. Or they apologize for cursing in front of me... I curse like a sailor (no offense to sailors), why would I care if you curse? I mean, again, I get it, I need to give the benefit of the doubt. But that's the thing, I feel like I'm giving the benefit of the doubt a lot! And no one really gives me the benefit of the doubt.

    So, yeah, nothing of major consequence from outside the culture.

    Sometimes their are issues within the culture. While I was getting my bachelors degree, I received a lot of backlash from people of my own background as to why I was studying engineering. My best friends father would ask me nearly every time I came over their house what I was studying/pursuing as a career. I repeated "civil/environmental engineering" with a smile every time he asked. The last time he asked, he aggressively responded with "you're so stubborn!".

    When I was nearly done with my bachelors degree, my cousin asked me, "are you sure you don't want to be a nurse?" (Side note: nursing is seen as a more appropriate career choice for a female by my culture).

    I have been ostracized by my culture for my promiscuous tendencies and "liberal"/"western" ideals. I have been ostracized by my culture/family for dating someone outside the culture.

    I've not been allowed freedoms that my brother had while growing up solely because I was a female. I needed to be home by a certain time, I couldn't play sports with the boys, etc. I still did though. Lots and lots of rebellion. But if I put it in perspective, my mom was not allowed to bicycle or swim because she was female. She still doesn't know how to do either. But as a kid, you don't really see big-picture stuff like that.

    Other gender roles in the culture include always having to look a certain way (physically pretty/dressed up - dad and mom have both asked me to get plastic surgery), always washing dishes, serving tea and food while men sit on the couch in the other room, the value of a woman increases when she has a husband to the point that finding a husband is your sole purpose in life, etc.

    I once heard my sister's ex-husband (when they were still married) tell my sister in front of guests that "men are talking" when she tried to give her input/opinion on a subject. I'm glad they divorced. But I'm only happy if my sister is happy, and she seems pretty happy.

    But like I mentioned earlier. It's the fact that people don't believe me when I say I was/am treated differently based on my culture/background. They see it as those specific people/instances were "bad apples" or "bad places". They don't see the issue as systematically embedded in social norms/ mass media/ culture. That's what bothers me most. And I know it affects people from other backgrounds way more than it affects me. And it's even more obvious that the oppression is happening in those instances. And I boil with rage when people don't see it.

    26 votes
  6. Comment on Male dominated fields in ~life

    beanie
    Link Parent
    Thank you. I really needed to hear this and I'm so thankful that their are others out there that understand the struggle. I feel crazy when my male counter-parts don't understand and out-rightly...

    constant criticism has ingrained a fear that she's not smart enough to get any other job in tech and she's stuck there until she can go back to school part time and get a new degree and move into a different industry (she could get a new job easily. She's incredibly smart and talented but won't listen to any of her friends about it. Which I understand, I'm just frustrated she doesn't see what we see in her).

    because lots of tech companies rely on exploitation and not questioning the implications of the things they build and/or how they could be used for wrong reasons.

    "please diversify the economic backgrounds, sexual orientation, gender-identification, racial, and religious make-up of industries and listen to the opinions and experiences of people from those backgrounds because they'll make your company, product, and workforce better".

    Thank you. I really needed to hear this and I'm so thankful that their are others out there that understand the struggle. I feel crazy when my male counter-parts don't understand and out-rightly dismiss how clients or contractors interact with me.

    4 votes
  7. What gets you out of bed?

    Responsibilities can be hard sometimes. Sometimes, we aren't acknowledged for our efforts. What gets you out of bed? What's the narrative you have with yourself as you stare at the ceiling as your...

    Responsibilities can be hard sometimes. Sometimes, we aren't acknowledged for our efforts.

    What gets you out of bed? What's the narrative you have with yourself as you stare at the ceiling as your alarm jingles? On a side note: What your alarm sound? Is it as brutal as a bullhorn? Or do you prefer something calm, like trickling water?

    Related: How do you prefer to be acknowledged at home or compensated at work? Do financial incentives get you going or do you prefer thoughtful gifts or do you look forward speaking with a coworker you get along with?

    I've had 3 "adult" jobs. With each job, I've been getting less and less financial compensation (yeah, I know, I'm going the wrong way!). However, with every job, I'm getting happier/more content. I'm not sure if it's related to the financial compensation or just me learning more about myself. I remember working 24/7 at my highest compensation. I had to have my work phone on me at all times, getting phone calls at any time of day (coworkers) and night (contractors). At my second "adult" job, I found that my interpersonal relationship with my coworker(s) made me happier. I'd get out of bed and say "oh, can't wait to tell 'x' about this dream I had" or a new recipe I tried. It also helped that my second job was something I found important (I was an engineer who worked on reducing energy and water consumption for apartment complexes), and the majority of my coworkers felt the same. The job I'm currently in falls right in line with what I studied in school. I work for a consultant company in the wastewater infrastructure field. I'm happy to even have gotten this opportunity. I see it as very important. However, since I work in the field of poo, many of my coworkers and contractors I work with seem very jaded and only has financial compensation in mind. It's hard to be surrounded by that type of attitude. One coworker mentioned that "it's not like people want to work in sewage" and I said "actually, I studied it in school. I just never was able to get my foot in the door until now and I feel lucky that it happened." Don't get me wrong, the work is hard and there are days one gets exhausted and it ALWAYS stinks. But it's important. It effects the health of people and the environment if it isn't done right. Yeah, I'm rambling. I'm just trying to say I thrive off the attitude of people around me. Interpersonal relationships, for me, are better than financial compensation. Don't get me wrong.. pay me fairly, but I'm not going to be bummed if I don't get a huge raise every year. The pay check doesn't get me to work, the people do.

    25 votes
  8. Male dominated fields

    Are you in a male dominated field or have you been in a male dominated field in the past? What was your experience like? Any funny/heartbreaking/etc. stories or interactions you would like to...

    Are you in a male dominated field or have you been in a male dominated field in the past? What was your experience like? Any funny/heartbreaking/etc. stories or interactions you would like to share? What do/did you like/dislike about it? What would you change? How would the field change if males were no longer the majority? What advice would you give to anyone coming into a male dominated field?

    19 votes
  9. Comment on What are the best books you've read on the topic of racism? in ~books

    beanie
    Link
    Life on the Color Line: The True Story of a White Boy who Discovered He was Black by Gregory Howard Williams. The book takes place in the 1950s and follows a white boy who found out he was...

    Life on the Color Line: The True Story of a White Boy who Discovered He was Black by Gregory Howard Williams. The book takes place in the 1950s and follows a white boy who found out he was biracial. The autobiography gave personal accounts on how society treated the narrator differently once his race became known. It's a great depiction of white privilege, the color lines and racial identity/acceptance.

    3 votes
  10. Comment on What happened to those mental health threads? in ~health

    beanie
    Link
    Umm... so down for this. Let's do this! There's some posts on mental health posts I've seen recently and they've brought me much peace. Let's do it!

    Umm... so down for this. Let's do this! There's some posts on mental health posts I've seen recently and they've brought me much peace.

    Let's do it!

    2 votes
  11. Comment on An open discussion related to time and/or the aging process in ~talk

    beanie
    Link Parent
    oh shit. my fault. Ummm... I said: You asked: My response: In the book, the harshness came from the narrators daughters; then the narrator reflected on how harsh she was to her mother. So, the...

    you only answered 2 of my questions answer the rest damni-

    oh shit. my fault. Ummm...

    I said:

    Things we said and our attitude towards our parents were harsh. As we grow older and become the receiver of such harshness, we grow to have compassion for them (possibly after they have passed) and wish we were kinder to them.

    You asked:

    I could definitely see this (I know I sometimes say that being born ~9 months after carnival is no surprise, a toxin of a joke), but do you receive it from children/young people or other adults?

    My response:
    In the book, the harshness came from the narrators daughters; then the narrator reflected on how harsh she was to her mother. So, the harshness, when I wrote the post, comes from younger generations.

    I think that was the one's the one I missed, but I could be mistaken.

    Please don't take what I say so seriously. It was just a book that made me think at the time. Harshness can be seen everywhere. We can be harsh to our children/ younger siblings/ generations just as they are to older generations.

    Fair enough, cancelling people is basically a leftist n-word and while I've definitely "unperson-d" conservatives enough mentally to think of it like a twisted joke, I would never think it has any genuine results on the person canceled.

    Yeah, the ground between left and right is super far from each other and it can be quite tough to have a conversation with the other side. I think of my personal "unperson-d" situations, if we're using that word the same way, is a means to keep myself relaxed/calm/at peace. I had the conversation on "cancel culture" (where a mass of people cancel a person) with a friend of mine. I personally think it doesn't "work" or teach the person a lesson (as you mentioned) because people are social creatures. So, when people are ostracized by one group of people, they are going to seek/crave comfort and inclusion. Which means they'll probably go more down the rabbit hole they were just in (solidifying the view/behavior) because there are others in that rabbit hole who welcome them without judgement and open arms.

    Again, idk what I'm talking about most of the time. These are just things my 3 brain cells think about from time to time.

    1 vote
  12. Comment on Have you ever been discriminated against because of a disability (specifically mental illness?) in ~talk

    beanie
    (edited )
    Link
    The problem with being discriminated at work due to a mental illness is how one can never really prove it. Or you are in so much pain, you just want to leave it! I'm so happy you are trying your...

    The problem with being discriminated at work due to a mental illness is how one can never really prove it. Or you are in so much pain, you just want to leave it!

    I'm so happy you are trying your best to maintain the lifestyle you want (living in the woods). Try your best everyday. You sound like you'd be an awesome ranger or camping host or something. Or maybe you can start your own business where you can guide people/ first timers threw the woods (how to survive in the woods course for dummies or something).

    I was miserable in my last job and was dealing with a lot of mental health issues that were being triggered from my personal and professional life. So my therapist and I decided it was best for me to take an additional day off. We chose Wednesday (I thought it was best because if I took Friday off, I thought I'd be seen as a slacker). So we used FMLA to get Wednesdays off for me. The company I was working for was not happy at that at all! And (most) of my coworkers started treating me differently. One person told me that no one likes me... why would you tell a person you know is depressed that no one likes them. I carried that around with me for a long time (still do - just suppressed). Anyway, the company laid off some people because things were slow and I was first on that chopping block. I can't say it's discrimination. But Idk what their criteria was for laying people off. Just a week earlier my supervisor mentioned I had chops to become a project manager (level above me). And when they were laying me off, the CEO in the room said "you're taking this pretty well, I didn't expect you to take this this well" and I asked "how did you expect me to take it" and he said "not well!" and excused himself out of the room. I felt like I wasn't able to "not take it well". I am an example for them. I have to be the best example their is or else they'll just use whatever behavior I have to prove their own narrative.

    I want to keep my mental illness to myself, but it's just so hard. It effects my daily life, which means it's going to effect work. I can't hide it. And at the same time, theirs just a huge stigma. And there's liability bullshit. It's all crap. I have a friend in HR and I hate saying this, but fuck HR. They think of R before H. Or, they think of humans as a resource.

    Sorry, I'm still carrying all this around with me.

    I admire your strength. I'm glad you did something that is best for your mental health given the situation you were in. Keep being strong. Keep updating us.

    P.S.: What's annoying about losing a job because of your mental illness is losing your benefits/ access to therapist.

    More P.S.: My therapist told me a story about how she was an emergency call responders in college for those who had suicidal thoughts. One of the things they had to do was pretty much kick the person out their dorm and they also weren't allowed to take classes. They weren't allowed back into their dorms, even if a therapist said they were okay to go back to classes. I would never admit I was suicidal if that was the case. I'd lose all my financial aid if I wasn't enrolled in classes. It's so catch-22. Like you said:

    Their actions, disguised as being motivated by empathy, came straight out of the Harvard Business School of Cover Your Ass.

    4 votes
  13. Comment on Fitness Weekly Discussion in ~health

    beanie
    Link Parent
    Keep at it dawg! Maybe include some ankle weights/weight vest? I'm no fitness guru (far from it). Just throwing ideas here.

    But man, calisthenics just doesn't cut it.

    Keep at it dawg! Maybe include some ankle weights/weight vest? I'm no fitness guru (far from it). Just throwing ideas here.

    5 votes
  14. Comment on Fitness Weekly Discussion in ~health

    beanie
    Link
    The fitness center at my apt complex opened up again (with restrictions). I can finally use the treadmill again and work on my form! I'm able to run with my mask on! I'm pretty proud of that.

    The fitness center at my apt complex opened up again (with restrictions). I can finally use the treadmill again and work on my form! I'm able to run with my mask on! I'm pretty proud of that.

    2 votes
  15. Comment on Share a true story from your life in five lines or less in ~creative

    beanie
    Link Parent
    wait... can you dive into this more? I want to understand this concept more. It's cool and unfortunate that language barriers exist. Just by one language having a word, they have access to a...

    “Paixão” is a bed sheet thrown over emptiness above which we walk.

    wait... can you dive into this more? I want to understand this concept more.

    It's cool and unfortunate that language barriers exist. Just by one language having a word, they have access to a feeling/idea/culture that another doesn't. Words can shape your world view just by them existing... What is “Paixão”!?

    3 votes
  16. Comment on Anyone else diagnosed with depression? I need others to talk to in ~health

    beanie
    Link
    Bro, just checking in. How r u doing?

    Bro, just checking in.

    How r u doing?

    1 vote
  17. Comment on Anyone else diagnosed with depression? I need others to talk to in ~health

    beanie
    Link Parent
    Thanks for the share! I feel like there are similarities between a 12 step recovery and coping/recovering from a mental illness/disorder. I wonder if theirs like a recovery program for people with...

    Thanks for the share! I feel like there are similarities between a 12 step recovery and coping/recovering from a mental illness/disorder. I wonder if theirs like a recovery program for people with mental health issues rather than going about it alone/ one-on-one with a therapist.

    1 vote
  18. Comment on Share a true story from your life in five lines or less in ~creative

    beanie
    Link Parent
    He has his good and bad, just like anyone else! With COVID, I'm just happy to have a job, so I try and not let the bad get to me. I've lost a job before, it's not fun. So I'm happy someone took...

    He has his good and bad, just like anyone else! With COVID, I'm just happy to have a job, so I try and not let the bad get to me. I've lost a job before, it's not fun. So I'm happy someone took the chance with me and I hope I don't screw it up (more than I've maybe already have)!

    2 votes