beanie's recent activity

  1. Comment on Six months after lifelong depression in ~life

    beanie
    Link Parent
    Alright, take your time, I'm sorry if I came off as pushy. This is your journey and take the path that is best for you. I don't think saying "I've been there" is going to help you right now, but...

    Alright, take your time, I'm sorry if I came off as pushy. This is your journey and take the path that is best for you. I don't think saying "I've been there" is going to help you right now, but I've definitely been there (I spent most of the past year laying down on my husbands couch, smoking weed, binge eating, and not brushing my teeth/ showering - I work on it everyday not to fall into that cycle). But, that's making it about me... this is about you right now. I see you, I hope I can be a person of the many who can validate your experience. I believe you when you say you don't feel connected to people and are unhappy/ were unhappy for a long time. From the description you gave about some of your childhood circumstances, it makes sense why your past was terrible and why you feel this way. You can mourn the childhood you didn't have.

    My husband recently sent me a science article which pertained to my childhood abuse. Although I understand the effects from my past experiences, I cannot for the life of me comprehend what it would be like for a person who didn't go through the same experiences as me. Like, I know how we are different and how the experience effected me, but I don't know what life would be like otherwise? Which causes some of the disconnected feeling I feel when I talk to others. Anyway. Looks like I just made it about me again. I'm sorry dude. Whatevs. Life's a weird glob anyway.

    4 votes
  2. Comment on Oglers, repeated glancers, gazers - Stories and opinions in ~talk

    beanie
    (edited )
    Link Parent
    I guess with this post my aim is to make people more conscious. I can say it's all trauma, but I don't think all of it comes from there tbh. Women have locker room talk too, we gossip. In many of...

    I guess with this post my aim is to make people more conscious. I can say it's all trauma, but I don't think all of it comes from there tbh.

    Women have locker room talk too, we gossip. In many of those sauna room chats, we talk about how it's uncomfortable when we get stared at in the gym. We've all come up with different ways to respond: some ignore, some make ugly faces, some where baggy clothes (me), some stop our workout completely to make it apparent that we see them, some directly address the issue, etc. Either way, it's something that is an interruption (even ignoring takes effort) and that takes away from the work out: we want to de-stress and have goals/ determinations too. And for those who think wearing specific type of clothing is asking for it, in those sauna chats, people say they wear those clothes to give them more confidence and they end up having a better work-out because of that confidence.

    Males are attractive too, there's a meme out there about grey sweatpants (oh, great heavens!), I actively and consciously try not invade other people's personal space by not looking at the bulge; penis' bounce when those with penis' run/ jog (just like breasts do)! I'm not out here ogling, licking my lips, staring, etc. The ogling does happen to men, there are people who talk about it on different platforms. I think it happens more to women. In either case, regardless of sex, it's uncomfortable and invasive.

    I think we all should become a little bit more conscious of our actions. Of course, there is the extreme which may lead to the path to social-anxiety where you question your every action or non-action. Just a little bit more conscious is fine imo.

    For me, when it comes to oglers in the form of "people watchers" (referencing @turnipostrophe and @Omnicrola), I feel like there are so many people who are out there who give permission to be watched (content makers in any platform, even authors in fiction/ non-fiction (I reference fiction because in @turnipostrophe, they are essentially fantasizing/ making up a persons past/ present/ future trajectory, so I think fiction is fair game), the porn industry, etc.). And in the case of giving permission to be watched, the person who gives permission is given some power back: they choose what you can see.

    I personally think the slightly weird part of people watching is the power dynamic: I want to watch you while going unnoticed and without consequence, I want to know more about you without you knowing more about me, I want to observe you and make whatever conclusions/ judgements about you without you getting a say... and there is nothing you could really do about it.

    8 votes
  3. Comment on Oglers, repeated glancers, gazers - Stories and opinions in ~talk

    beanie
    Link Parent
    Weirdly, I'm okay with that. It's usually in a professional environment and I'm there to convey information that people are (or should be) interested in (and if they aren't, they're twiddling...

    Weirdly, I'm okay with that. It's usually in a professional environment and I'm there to convey information that people are (or should be) interested in (and if they aren't, they're twiddling their thumbs or something). Also, since I'd be the speaker when presenting, I have the attention/ upper hand and can ask a person who I'd thought was staring weirdly if they had any questions or had something to add (put them on the spot, so to speak and have people stare at them weirdly to see how they like it). Also, I kinda view presenting as a performance, so in that case, I can be a performer (not myself).

    3 votes
  4. Comment on Oglers, repeated glancers, gazers - Stories and opinions in ~talk

    beanie
    (edited )
    Link Parent
    Group zoom meetings, I usually like to have my camera off, however, I sometimes feel bad for the speaker and will occasionally turn the camera on to give them visual feedback (a nod, smile, or...

    Group zoom meetings, I usually like to have my camera off, however, I sometimes feel bad for the speaker and will occasionally turn the camera on to give them visual feedback (a nod, smile, or thumbs up to show that people are listening/ understanding/ interested).

    In small group meetings, it's usually required of me to have my camera on, although I'd prefer to have my camera off. I understand having the camera on give visual cues (you know when the person is about to stop talking/ when it's your turn to talk, again with visual cues to the speaker to show that you're understanding them).

    To be completely honest with you, I have a hard time looking at other people in the zoom meetings though. I'm usually looking out a window and I get self conscious b/c somehow that's been interpreted that I'm not listening - so I force myself to smile and look at the camera, so uncomfortable. Also, I've been doing interviews recently and I think there is a study saying if you're more attractive/ smiling, you are most likely to get the job (so, I have to do the make-ups, smile, all that jazz). Going back, I think looking out the window has to do with me not liking being indoors. I'm attracted to light and I often stare out a window when answering questions and it also feels like I can pay attention more when I'm not looking directly at the person speaking/ I can hear them better when I look outside a window. I have to compromise though. So, that's why I work in the field, I can always (or almost always) be outside. But weirdly, when I work with construction/ field workers, I can look them in the eye when we're having a conversation. Maybe it has to do with being outdoors, knowing that I can make a run for it and can't be cornered? Or maybe it's to show them I respect them, care what they think, etc. because I know they get treated really poorly? I work in sewer, so, you have to look the contractor in the eye, you can't be ashamed, you have to show them you respect them, and you have to shake their hand! (you can always hand sanitize later)

    Thank you for telling me you people watch on Zoom! Yeeeeeee, my privacy! If I'm snooping on Zoom, I'm usually seeing what their pet is doing (watching them live their best life). But usually, if my camera is off, I'm staring out a window.

    6 votes
  5. Comment on Oglers, repeated glancers, gazers - Stories and opinions in ~talk

    beanie
    Link Parent
    @Omnicrola, fascinating, I do avoid making eye contact with myself in the mirror! And yes, it does make me feel eerily similar (eerie) to when other people stare at me! @kyotja, Loll! No need to...

    @Omnicrola, fascinating, I do avoid making eye contact with myself in the mirror! And yes, it does make me feel eerily similar (eerie) to when other people stare at me!

    @kyotja, Loll! No need to apologize. I wouldn't put accidental eye contact in the same category since there is usually an immediate reaction to look away (awkwardly, not guiltily) and, well, it was accidental. I'm talking about a person not knowing they are being watched and then they find a pair of eyes on them (intense, not looking away, suggestive sometimes, eeeee!). I think I'll refrain from doing the experiment in the article you sent. I'm already freaked by my reflection, but it's great to know why I am freaked and that I'm not the only one!

    Given the articles and questions @Omnicrola and @kyotja referenced, I think I have a better understanding of why the extended/ suggestive eye contact gives me the creeps: I think it stems from the fear of being vulnerable. Like, yeesh, I get it, I would have no control if you decided to attack me right now, you really can look at me all you want and I can do absolutely nothing about it. It makes the power dynamic more apparent.

    5 votes
  6. Oglers, repeated glancers, gazers - Stories and opinions

    This could definitely just be in my head, but I HATE it when people look at me for extended periods of time or repeatedly (when I'm not talking, minding my own business, doing errands, working...

    This could definitely just be in my head, but I HATE it when people look at me for extended periods of time or repeatedly (when I'm not talking, minding my own business, doing errands, working out, etc.). I know it's related to trauma that I'm learning to ignore/ not be reactive to. The feelings it brings up in me is just invasive. I find it happens a lot on job sites and when working out, I just get this feeling that I'm being visually undressed or being fantasized about, like ew, stop. I can tell the difference between day dreamers (glossy eyed) and active lookers. Again, I've learned to ignore it these days, I can't control other people, only myself. I can only vocalize to stop looking at me or focus on your work excavator operator, the grounds down there...

    Anyway, enough about me, what about you?

    18 votes
  7. Comment on Fitness Weekly Discussion in ~health

    beanie
    Link
    There is a park nearby that I have been using to ease back into aerobic exercises. I run a lap around the path, do some low impact/flexibility work to ensure mobility (I can get really stiff if I...

    There is a park nearby that I have been using to ease back into aerobic exercises. I run a lap around the path, do some low impact/flexibility work to ensure mobility (I can get really stiff if I don't which will make working out painful), maybe do a few reps on the "machines" they have, then run another lap, continue some mobility/medium impact work, light flexibility work with light walk, then walk back home.

    I like not being too hard on myself. The sunlight is nice and I've learned a lot about what works for my body from gym classes. So, I feel more comfortable these days working out outdoors and by myself. I've learned to ignore the gazes/ glances from weirdos. If you're one of those gazers/ glancers, please stop, it's gross.

    2 votes
  8. Comment on Six months after lifelong depression in ~life

    beanie
    Link
    My apologies for the double comment. I was thinking more about this last night, so maybe take what I say with a grain of salt as this may be coming from projection and a little bit of sleep...

    My apologies for the double comment. I was thinking more about this last night, so maybe take what I say with a grain of salt as this may be coming from projection and a little bit of sleep deprivation.

    I want to respond to the following as I feel they may be related:

    • Even if I live my best possible life from now own, it won't make my past self happy.

    • I've also realized how little people who have not experienced something like lifelong depression understand about it.

    • [explaining the difference between suffering & being in a void]

    And, from your previous post you linked:

    • I want other people to acknowledge my pain.

    I think the reason why

    • you get frustrated with people getting the description of depression wrong,
    • you spent a good chunk of the post describing depression,
    • looking for acknowledgement of your past/ pain, and
    • you are possibly stuck on the idea that even though you can live your best life from now on, it doesn't erase the past - life-long depression

    is because you hold depression as part of your identity.

    I may be out of line here. Just in case it is true, let me provide you with a personal account. I, for some time, would describe myself as a pot-head. I thought, I speak like one, I act like one, I smoke a lot, I think like one (even when not smoking), hence, I am one. But there is that spectrum we were talking about that shows up in a lot of things. There is a difference in calling yourself a pot-head and describing yourself as a person who depends on marijuana. The aim with describing myself as a pot-head was to get rid of the shame in regards to using marijuana, which I thought would make it easier for me to drop the dependence. Although removing the shame in something is a good move, additionally what happened was that by calling myself that term, I was giving myself permission to continue using that unhealthy coping mechanism as well as making it a part of my identity (who would I be if I wasn't a pot-head). Now, the second description I gave is way more descriptive, doesn't include usage as being a part of my identity and accurately describes my relationship with the substance.

    A challenge: what if you didn't make depression as part of your (past) identity? Instead, what if you were trying to survive your surroundings given the little information you knew during adolescence? Now, you are recognizing that those coping mechanisms you used for survival during adolescence is no longer working and in fact is negatively affecting your life and ability to feel connection in relationships. By doing this, you may even more accurately describe your childhood experience and empower yourself (hence giving you even more confidence when approaching the notion of depression, because depression is hard, you'll need all the strength you can get).

    4 votes
  9. Comment on Six months after lifelong depression in ~life

    beanie
    Link Parent
    Your mom was suicidal and your dad was a psychologist? I'm being cheeky on purpose now... you have a lot to unpack bro. Have fun on your mental health adventure! At least you know what a bad...

    Your mom was suicidal and your dad was a psychologist? I'm being cheeky on purpose now... you have a lot to unpack bro. Have fun on your mental health adventure! At least you know what a bad mental health professional looks like? (Oh, I hope you aren't close to your parents and won't take that personally). I'm sorry you had to go through that bro. Best of luck getting out of dissociation that you used as a survival mechanism and best of luck feeling a connection with others. Tbh, I still struggle with feeling connected, I may have a good 1 or 2 people I feel connected to, and boy, am I thankful I'm not alone anymore!

    And enjoy your travels/ new home, Portland is awesome! I'm biased b/c I hate the midwest, so I think you're going to have a ball in Portland! If you like nature, I recommend Crater Lake (and Diamond Lake for camping). The drive from Crater Lake to Portland is real nice. The food is really good in Portland. Again, I'm biased, I wasn't a fan of the fatty, greasy, nerrrrsty food in the Midwest, I'm sorry, wtf is provel? That stuff sticks to the top of your mouth and feels like wet, ancient gum. The weed is great in Portland too, but I'm trying to be sober about that (effected my mental health too much - depended on the stuff, took over my life, etc.). Have fun!

    3 votes
  10. Comment on Six months after lifelong depression in ~life

    beanie
    (edited )
    Link
    To acknowledge the brighter side, given how I interpret your posts, to me, it sounds like you're doing better than the previous post. When it comes to depression... When it comes to depression,...

    To acknowledge the brighter side, given how I interpret your posts, to me, it sounds like you're doing better than the previous post.

    When it comes to depression... When it comes to depression, there's a spectrum, yes? You still may be depressed, but some lows/voids are lower/voidier than others, maybe?
    The reason why I tip-toe... The reason why I tip-toe around maybe stating this is because I'm not sure how you feel about comparing your depression to your depression (as you seem to not like to compare depressions between two or more persons... idk how you view the idea of an individual, is past you a different person than you? maybe a different version? idk.
    More on reluctancey I guess I am reluctant because you seem to have a strong emotion towards specific descriptions that don't seem accurate enough. Given that, I will get some descriptions wrong. Forgive me. Or, maybe give people grace when they speak.

    Seeing that you have heard little-to-nothing about dysfunctional families and/or complex ptsd from your dialoge with @NoblePath, I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask, since you've been in this depression you describe as life-long, have you made any headway or steps with speaking with a mental health professional? If so, maybe bring these terms up and ask what treatment looks like. That may have been obvious though. If it is, I'm sorry for being a smart-*ss.

    Something that has helped me was going to a mental health support group. It's nice to have a non-judgmental space where people typically describe how they are feeling pretty accurately. And you won't have any of those "what didn't kill me makes me stronger" talk.

    And, maybe some reassurance from the other side. Although your experience with depression has been life-long, your life, although to you has been the longest thing you've experienced, isn't so long if you think about it from a macroscopic POV (or just, not your POV). If you live in the states (given that you're moving to Portland, OR - nice bro, super jelly - I'm going to assume you live in another state in the US), typically you are under your parent(s) responsibility until 18, so, if you think about it, you've only been truly on your own for approximately 5-6 years. Life-long depression is excruciating, the caveat, you should (again, given the typical/ average life-span of males in the US) have a lot more life to live and what is under your control has been minimal for now, and, again, given from your last post, you are on the right track and have grown so much in so little time. Hang in there bro. See your potential. Sometimes that means uprooting some of the past and saying "I don't need this anymore, it served me as a child to, for example, stay quiet/ hold my tongue because my main caretaker would be in jeopardy if I didn't, but now I'm my main caretaker, so I no longer need to hold my tongue if it doesn't suit me". That will take a lot of reflection to uproot some of those things. Focus on your potential.

    Oh, and I wanted to add, there is so much content out there to feel not so alone in your feelings. I recommend BTS. Pink Floyd is also cool. Many artists have spent their time and effort trying to describe their battle with mental health.

    5 votes
  11. Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (January 2022) in ~talk

    beanie
    Link Parent
    Why not seek help regardless of if your lack of purpose & enjoyment stems from depression or not? (do you have to go to the dentist because you have a cavity? can't it be for preventative care?)...

    Why not seek help regardless of if your lack of purpose & enjoyment stems from depression or not? (do you have to go to the dentist because you have a cavity? can't it be for preventative care?)

    One of the main requests from therapists/ mental health professionals is you don't have wait to get help. It may be easier & faster to find solutions if you come sooner rather than later, and you'll get a quick turnaround or less frequent visits.

    Mental health professionals can help you find & develop tools to

    • find enjoyment in the activities you are already doing/ participating in, and/or
    • find activities or switch gears to activities you would enjoy participating in.

    Additionally, they can also help you understand the underlining cause of the lull, lack of purpose, or enjoyment (hence, you can navigate feelings like these in the future) or which specific thing may be the cause that's affecting other aspects of your life. There are many things a mental health professional can help with (forming a routine, keeping you in line, strengthening relationships, understanding relationships, helping you create a plan towards a goal, etc.). You are the boss when it comes to therapy, you tell them what you want.

    9 votes
  12. Comment on What did you learn in 2021? in ~talk

    beanie
    Link
    Food: Kimchi (tested it with Napa Cabbage and Bok Choi... Napa Cabbage reigns supreme!) Katsu Tofu Masala (that goes into Masala Dosa... my dosa game is still weak!) Cholent Perfected my Chapati...
    • Food:
      • Kimchi (tested it with Napa Cabbage and Bok Choi... Napa Cabbage reigns supreme!)
      • Katsu Tofu
      • Masala (that goes into Masala Dosa... my dosa game is still weak!)
      • Cholent
      • Perfected my Chapati recipe, timing, and rolling technique
      • Spicy cucumber salad (Oi Muchin) and other Korean side dishes
      • Perfected my stove top falafel patties
      • Tabouli
    • Hobbies:
      • Learned how to stop forwards, how to roll backwards, how to stop backwards, and how to forward cross-over on roller skates (WIP)
      • Hand sew clothes for refashioning, working on learning the sewing machine
      • Make bracelets and assemble other types of jewelry
      • Gardening
      • Cat Care-taking
      • Hiked more difficult trails
    • Mental Health:
      • Naming Emotions & Emotional Regulation
      • Comfortable enough to take medication and found what works
      • Finally able to pause therapy/ go as needed (prior visits were weekly - I'm tearing up as I write this one. This one is huge for me.)
      • Setting boundaries and sticking up for myself (WIP)
      • Quit daily marijuana usage and I'm kicking it for good (never again is it coming in the house; maybe if there's a concert and just a bump, nothing crazy).
    • Meaning/Purpose:
      • I found my likes & dislikes and how I want to respond to difficulties.
      • I want to continue volunteering, taking care of my mental & physical health, taking care of my financial health, maintaining professionalism (to ensure financial stability & relationships), and generally spend my time on what I want to spend it on (not what plagues my mind, i.e.: what I want to take seriously and what I can let go).
    3 votes
  13. Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (January 2022) in ~talk

    beanie
    Link Parent
    I'm debating if I should respond because idk if anything I'll say can help. None of what I'm saying comes from "experience", but sometimes it's nice to have fresh eyes/ diverse/ possibly virgin...

    I'm debating if I should respond because idk if anything I'll say can help. None of what I'm saying comes from "experience", but sometimes it's nice to have fresh eyes/ diverse/ possibly virgin pair of eyes look at something.

    You've gone through a traumatic break up, and that's hard. Give yourself some grace, be gentle with yourself. This is a hard transition. What would you tell a dear friend who has gone through what you're going through now?

    By reading your post, the macroscopic concept I'm picking up is that I feel you define yourself based on your relationship status (single guy, married guy, divorced guy) or your relationship to others (serving for your country, parent/ non parent). The only thing I learned about you in this particular post is you play video games and you work out.

    Thought experiment: Let's say you know you're about to lose your memory, you get to write down (or record a video) of who you are to your lost memory self. What would you tell the lost memory version of yourself? How would you describe yourself to yourself? What would help them most be the closest version of who you are? And, just for kicks, what would you leave out or even add that you'd think would make you a "better" version of you, and why do you think it would be a "better" version? This may cause some existential dread. Don't feel like you need to answer it. You're going through enough already.

    I'm going to share a link of a therapist I follow on Instagram. I think it responds well to your experience. She responds to the question "How much hurt is too much?".

    I think wanting your ex-partner to feel some sort of emotional hurt or guilt won't help you recover, and I think you know this already. Focusing on recovery will help you recover. Because infidelity is a boo-boo. You had your life planned or had envisioned your future and this person abruptly changed that plan hence shattering your envisioned future. Ouch.

    I can't envision a world where I'm totally happy, content, and single.

    I think you've misinterpreted the advice of you shouldn't rely on other people for your own self of well being. I don't think that advice necessarily means you'll be single for the rest of your life. I'd like to offer another means of envisioning relationships/ the world/ life: pretend that life is an open hiking trail that isn't mapped, with viewing points, forks, some dead ends, some loops, mud, rock, water falls, etc. Some people have been through some parts of the trail, and, to give others a heads up, they'll vocally tell you "that's bad news" or "this is good for your growth/ development" or "you gotta see that!" or whatever they interpreted or gave meaning to that path. Some people think having a SO is an essential part of the path, some think having children is, etc. I like to think of it as everyone is on their own path they choose (or was chosen for them, or guided to them, etc.), and my significant other and I have joined paths somewhere along the way. BUT, before I met my SO, they've had their own journey as I've had mine (which often leads to looking at the world differently, which is understandable and okay). AND, during our journey together, we sometimes break off and join each other later "hey, I'll meet you at the river! Have fun at work, honey!" I'll focus on being happy and content while on our journey apart, as well as when we meet up and take journeys together. Sometimes we get hurt on this path, whether separated or together. Sometimes we even lead each other down rotten paths. These are all given and possible. I honestly don't know where I'm going with this. Just another way of looking at relationships/ life, I guess?

    6 votes
  14. Comment on What are examples of little things in life that you overlooked but now you understand? in ~talk

    beanie
    Link Parent
    That makes sense. If I could extend some unsolicited advice, you can vocalize where that line is for you to your friend at the bar. "Hey, I hear you, I know you're dealing with this idiot at work...

    That makes sense. If I could extend some unsolicited advice, you can vocalize where that line is for you to your friend at the bar. "Hey, I hear you, I know you're dealing with this idiot at work and it's causing [you] a lot of strife, and I really want to enjoy our time together at the bar. It's hard these days to meet up and have a good time. If you need to continue talking about your work issue, I'll keep listening, but to be completely honest with you, I don't think there is anything else I could do except listen and maybe offer some advice, if you're open to it. Would you be open to putting that work issue aside for now and enjoy the moment, I really want to spend time with you and don't want to pressure you either way".

    I'm not going to lie, I know that one is a tough sell. But sometimes people need to be made aware that they are taking too much of the time & space. To give the benefit of the doubt, sometimes they don't notice they're doing that (you have that self awareness to not be that person, others may be so wrapped up in their own problems that they may not see it). And, if they aren't made aware of it, they sometimes end up skipping out on what's in front of them (and continue being in that repeated endless complaining loop) instead of enjoying a really good time that's in front of them. I know what you mean though, there is a line and it's hard to walk that tight rope. I can definitely see how my unsolicited advice can go WAY south.

    1 vote
  15. Comment on What are examples of little things in life that you overlooked but now you understand? in ~talk

    beanie
    Link Parent
    I agree with some of your points when it comes to unsolicited advice and how to go about responding to a complaint. I'd like to give a different light to the idea of complainting. Can we rephrase...

    I agree with some of your points when it comes to unsolicited advice and how to go about responding to a complaint.

    I'd like to give a different light to the idea of complainting. Can we rephrase the word complaining with addressing an issue? I think the word complaining irks me because as a woman working in a male dominated field, a lot of the issues I was addressing were perceived as complaining. I felt that a lot of the issues I was addressing about harassment were therefore overlooked, kept persisting, and evidently lead to me leaving the job (with very tattered confidence and self-respect. A co-worker went so far to say that he was "nose blind" to the issue when in fact I told him all those things and was dismissed probably because he perceived it as me complaining - but what do I know).

    I understand some issues like minor inconveniences (coffee being cold, etc.) can be perceived as complaining. But I wouldn't go as far to say that complaining in the general is burdensome (I would say that you perceive it as a burden because you have been indoctrinated to be the "problem solver" and being you can't solve this problem hurts your ego/ self-image, but that might be a stretch - I don't know how you were raised).

    Lastly, addressing an issue may be seen as viewing a situation from another pair of eyes, or seeing that others are treated differently than you, that systematic issues are at play here that don't effect you, but effect other people that may not look like you.

    Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill though. I may have been triggered by the word complaining. Just sharing my opinions/ my life experiences. There are things that we won't be able to single-highhandedly solve/ fix. That's okay. Maybe listening (and not making the listener feel like you are burdened by their speech) can shed light to macroscopic or cultural issues, if they tell enough people, maybe the culture will change? I don't know. Just a thought.

    3 votes
  16. Comment on What are examples of little things in life that you overlooked but now you understand? in ~talk

    beanie
    Link Parent
    I honestly woke up thinking I'd write a post similar to yours @HotPants (challenging the notion precision, stating that they probably never tasted sewer water so how is that statement...

    I honestly woke up thinking I'd write a post similar to yours @HotPants (challenging the notion precision, stating that they probably never tasted sewer water so how is that statement "truthful"... side note: I prefer to use the word honest in this case.). I debated this through the night, because I do the same thing where I delete the post before responding because, well, I'm not sure, sometimes I feel my responses could be too harsh for the listener to actually ponder upon and I want to make sure at least some of what I say is accessible to some degree. But I think you went about it in a pretty non-harsh way, I don't think I could expand on the thought experiment as well as you did @HotPants, that was awesome!

    To offer another means of thinking about the idea of being "honest/lying", a way I think about how I respond to situations where I'd like to continue a relationship (or have a non-confrontational interaction) is by asking myself "is what I'm about to share helpful to the situation or is it just me vocalizing my opinions?" I don't always go about conversations this way, because sometimes it's nice to shoot the breeze. But when it comes to responses that could be "hurtful/ confrontational", the way I described is usually the way I go about it.

    I'll give another example, because I feel that @HotPants really broke down the coffee example. A friend of mine is frustrated and cranky. I can say "bro, stop having your panties in a bunch, you're messing up the vibe and affecting the people around you! Get your sht together, man!" or I can have other means go respond (ask them what's up, if there's anything I can do, maybe make them a cup of tea/ favorite snack, offer to go on a walk with them or play a quick video game, etc.). Because responding with "get your sht together" just adds fuel to the fire IMO. I'll post this, but I'm also debating if I should... yeek!

    1 vote
  17. Comment on What are examples of little things in life that you overlooked but now you understand? in ~talk

    beanie
    Link Parent
    Omg, yes, thank you! This is exactly how I feel! Like, at the end of the day, I need to respect people's boundaries (if we want to continue being in each other's lives, it's necessary). But, I...

    Most "heavy conversations" are only heavy for the one that's opening up, not for me who's merely listen. And, when I don't have anything to contribute, there's nothing wrong with silence.

    Omg, yes, thank you! This is exactly how I feel! Like, at the end of the day, I need to respect people's boundaries (if we want to continue being in each other's lives, it's necessary). But, I also am like, just listen? You needn't feel like a response is required.

    how heavy are these unloadings?

    The unloadings vary from unemployment, green card submission, apartment/ car hunting (when one has been unemployed for an extended period of time and money can be an issue). Family issues of fat shaming/ insulting, possible anorexia in a family member, childhood sexual assault/ abuse, drug/ alcohol usage of a family member (not very hard drugs, but it's still enough to affect this person's daily life. I definitely think it's alcoholism though.). Personal path in reducing substance use/ abuse, mental illness/ describing some of the episodes, interpersonal work related issues.

    Don't get me wrong, I know other people have a way more heavier/ complicated life. I was lucky to have people there to support me because I could definitely see how my life style could have made its trajectory into an even more downward spiral. I feel that some of my family members don't have as strong a supportive friend/friend group that I had. I see the same patterns/ negative coping mechanisms and I wish I could be around to let them know it gets better (with a lot of work - and it's worth it). I try not to get too invested because I know at the end of the day they have to put in the work.

    But yeah, in relation to the friend story I mentioned, I was just letting her know what I was going through, what's on my mind, and how I need a little more grace when it comes to some expectations (that my mind is pre-occupied with some stuff, that some things have changed about me due to some experiences, how I show up differently, and also just kinda sharing my life/ experiences). This is my life, so these are the things I'm going to talk about? Idk. Also, when I've experienced these things, I need to seek more heavier content to feel engaged (I can't watch super market sweepstakes, I'm sorry! Give me a documentary, or a really heavy drama, something that makes the brain tick. So, I also think the heavier content adds to the stratification).

    Side note, thanks for engaging. I see you engage in others responses as well. It's nice to see.

    3 votes
  18. Comment on What are examples of little things in life that you overlooked but now you understand? in ~talk

    beanie
    Link
    My SO (we've been together for 10 yrs now) told me repetitively that because I've been through some really tough situations in life, I could be there for other people (i.e.: I have large amounts...

    My SO (we've been together for 10 yrs now) told me repetitively that because I've been through some really tough situations in life, I could be there for other people (i.e.: I have large amounts of understanding & patience to sit and hear hard things that can make others uncomfortable), but they wont' be able to do the same for me. Only recently was I able to accept this.

    Recently, a really close friend of mine who I consoled for the last 4+ years through family estrangement (we've been friends for somewhere close to 15 years now) felt the need to set a boundary of "I need you to let me know when you're going to unload and vent. I need a trigger warning because a lot of the times you're bringing up heavy topics and I'm not prepared and unsure how to respond". I told her that I understood. And, tbh, it's definitely a fair boundary to set. I can understand her POV. But, on the other hand, I can't help but think of all the times she unloaded without warning, when I didn't know what to say (so I said something along the lines of "there's nothing I think I could say, but I'm here to listen"), the times she asked me to join her family talks as a mediator/ emotional support, and one time unloaded when I specifically said I didn't have the emotional capacity at the time to talk about her personal heavy topic (at the time, I didn't say anything when she vented because I felt she needed it. Later that evening, she texted me an apology since she knew I specifically said I didn't want to have that heavy conversation and having it anyway). I told her not to worry about it. On my end, I felt like, man, if I specifically said not to do something, and they do it anyway, maybe they really need to do that thing; I can put my needs aside for this. Idk, the experiences are heavy themselves, not knowing what to say brings distress? Imagine experiencing the heavy thing.

    Maybe this means I'm just really bad at setting boundaries? Or I've somehow convinced myself that others would do for me what I do for them? I'm not so sure those things are fully relevant here? We've been friends for a really long time and have been there for each other. Sometimes the scales tip each way depending on who needs it, right? Maybe we can be there for each other in different ways (equity as opposed to equality)? One thing really resonated with me at that conversation though, it was the thing my SO instilled in me for so long: because I've been through some stuff, I have a larger emotional capacity than others. I love you, babe. Thank you so much for coaching and preparing me for this. I love you so much.

    8 votes
  19. Comment on Christmas thread in ~talk

    beanie
    Link Parent
    Valid reasons to be annoyed & angry. Being the responsible one when others aren't, feelings of unfairness. I totally get it dude. The downtime when getting sick is rough, but it's needed in order...

    Valid reasons to be annoyed & angry. Being the responsible one when others aren't, feelings of unfairness. I totally get it dude.

    The downtime when getting sick is rough, but it's needed in order to really heal. That's the only notion that'll keep me in the house & staying put when I'm sick. I tell myself: the better I don't exert myself, the better chances I have to fight this thing, the quicker I can get outside and hike & do the things I love.

    I hate being sick. I'm actually avoiding telling a friend I'm in town because she refuses to wash her hair even though she's a health care worker. Evidently I always get sick when I see her (she's one of those types who spends money to get their hair blow dried and wants to keep it all nice for as long as possible - dry shampoo types (eye roll!)).

    I also felt the same way (before Covid times) when I worked in an office and someone would still come in even though they are clearly sick. I worked in an energy auditing office and, as practice, I measured the carbon dioxide levels in the office. Our office was in bad shape when it came to ventilation. It seemed as though every time a person came into the office sick, 10 others would come in sick the next day (only 50 people worked in the office). I honestly blame the ridiculously small number of sick days and the fact that the president had a "butts in seats" policy (didn't let people work from home).

    I also used to get sick every time I went on a plane and wanted to mask before the pandemic. I honestly think I'll still mask in public places with little ventilation even after the pandemic is under control. I want to enjoy my travels, mask up, don't ruin it for others!

    Idk man, there seems to be a lack of empathy these days. At least, that's what I see as the root of the problem. Like, stop thinking of yourself/ your resources. Since we live in a society (a globalized one), we need to take the macroscopic system into more consideration when we go about things. Also, I wish people would take into account that their perspective isn't the only perspective (or "most correct"), other perspectives exist, can we extend our imagination a bit and wonder why others would do things differently and ask ourselves "is this the most considerate thing to do in our macroscopic system?". It's weird to try to teach empathy or to care for others... how does one go about it?

    5 votes
  20. Comment on Christmas thread in ~talk

    beanie
    Link Parent
    Masking sucks, I don't blame you. Masking to make other people comfortable when they aren't doing so much to make you feel comfortable (hence, the masking in the first place).

    Masking sucks, I don't blame you. Masking to make other people comfortable when they aren't doing so much to make you feel comfortable (hence, the masking in the first place).

    3 votes