Creativity is one thing. Commiting to draft after draft of something is another skill set entirely. For some reason, the former is what we are taught to hold in high regard. And yet, the latter is...
Creativity is one thing. Commiting to draft after draft of something is another skill set entirely. For some reason, the former is what we are taught to hold in high regard. And yet, the latter is what leads to results.
Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.
Yes thank you also for bringing up the quote in the first place! It’s so good. I feel like every writer should have it displayed above their usual writing spot
Yes thank you also for bringing up the quote in the first place! It’s so good. I feel like every writer should have it displayed above their usual writing spot
I think there's a big difference between doing something for yourself, and doing something to make money. Ideally, they overlap, but that's not nearly as common as people want it to be. I recently...
All of my favourite writers talk about the craft-not-art approach to what actually ends up getting published. Ideas are cheap, putting in the effort to become really good at refining (and redrafting, and redrafting) seems to be what makes the difference.
I think there's a big difference between doing something for yourself, and doing something to make money. Ideally, they overlap, but that's not nearly as common as people want it to be.
I recently read Every Tool's A Hammer by Adam Savage, and he talks repeatedly about his process. Build, figure out what could be better, build better, repeat. This is also known as the "fail fast" approach (usually used in the context of software design). He also contrasts this with Jamie Hyneman's process, which, if you're at all familiar with Mythbusters, is exactly as you'd expect: plan, figure out what could be better, plan better, repeat. Eventually build. Adam's process is far more expensive, but it does let you see the problems in a practical - rather than theoretical - sense.
The biggest problem with Adam's process is that most people only have the budget and the time to build it once. So instead, we start planning and refining, and planning and refining, and never get to the build process, because we don't want to fuck it up. Or if we do get to the build process, we find (or make) a mistake, and start to doubt all of the other planning.
I've learned to adopt the "good enough" approach. Most of my "creative" endeavours also have a practical aspect to them (e.g. a wall mount for a crokinole board as a piece of art), so as long as it fulfills the practical component, it's good enough for me. Obviously, I want it to look good, and I spend time planning for that, but I've learned to incorporate and/or live with any non-structural mistakes along the way. But this isn't my job/career, nor do I want it to be. It's all for myself (and my family, I guess), and if I'm not perfect, I shouldn't expect perfection out of anything I make either.
This is the contrast between people who have one novel / album they wish to create and those who wish to be writers / musicians. The former often end up stuck on a lack of skill combined with a...
most people only have the budget or time to build it once
This is the contrast between people who have one novel / album they wish to create and those who wish to be writers / musicians. The former often end up stuck on a lack of skill combined with a lack of time (or ideas) to burn on practice. They don’t have spare ideas to waste on cranking out 30 dogshit short stories and hopefully getting the feedback needed to start writing good stories (or they try but get no feedback at all and never improve).
Additionally, knowing which idea to iterate on and which to scrap for parts is a skill in itself. Are you polishing a turd or sculpting fresh-quarried marble?
Additionally, knowing which idea to iterate on and which to scrap for parts is a skill in itself. Are you polishing a turd or sculpting fresh-quarried marble?
I think “I’m shit at everything” is the mantra of all creatives, isn’t it? Either that or “I’m shit at everything (but still a genius)”. Every sentence I write is the worst combination of words in...
I think “I’m shit at everything” is the mantra of all creatives, isn’t it? Either that or “I’m shit at everything (but still a genius)”.
Every sentence I write is the worst combination of words in existence, but somehow they all shuffle into line and by the end, the piece is superb. Then, the first time anyone else reads it, the words have reorganised themselves, out of my view, into a steaming pile of horse manure, and I have to beat them into submission during rewrites until they behave themselves.
Apart from a very few utterly perfect people, nothing will ever turn out as well as you hoped. But at the very same time, it will turn out infinitely better than you feared. The consumer of your art knows not what you intended, they can’t see into your mind and view the richness of your ideas, but they can still love and be moved by what you ended up with. And that makes it worth sharing.
This really doesn't line up with my experience. I have always worked (and hobbied) in creative fields and I don't think I'm shit at.. anything really. Apart from dancing salsa. I am laughably shit...
This really doesn't line up with my experience. I have always worked (and hobbied) in creative fields and I don't think I'm shit at.. anything really. Apart from dancing salsa. I am laughably shit at that.
Does that mean I don't think my work can be improved? Of course it doesn't, I'm always critical of what I do to make it better. Does that mean I have nothing left to learn? No way, every project is a learning project and I'm always pushing myself to learn more stuff. Does that mean I don't occasionally create shit things? Absolutely not! Sometimes things go off my bench straight into the bin.
But I am good at what I do and I know that. Things regularly turn out exactly as I expect them to or better, and that goes for both professional and hobby stuff. I am consistently baffled by people who think they are rubbish at things they're obviously good at. Usually things which, if they were being done by other people, they'd be genuinely impressed with. You, and everyone reading this, are so much better than you think you are.
I’m genuinely ecstatic for you that you’ve never experienced imposter syndrome. I was exaggerating a little for effect, but I have met very very few people in the creative world like you that are...
I’m genuinely ecstatic for you that you’ve never experienced imposter syndrome. I was exaggerating a little for effect, but I have met very very few people in the creative world like you that are good and know they’re good, and many many people with impossibly high standards who are never satisfied with what they produce. I have bursts of confidence when I know I’m a bloody good writer, and I have equal bursts of despair that I’ll never write anything great. The quote elsewhere in this thread by Ira Glass explains it perfectly for me
The closest I've got to imposter syndrome is thinking that if I am just making it up and fooling everyone, I'm obviously pretty good at fooling people. Which is functionally identical to actually...
The closest I've got to imposter syndrome is thinking that if I am just making it up and fooling everyone, I'm obviously pretty good at fooling people. Which is functionally identical to actually being good at something.
When you remember that most people are mostly no good at most things it's a lot easier. A few hours of practice at literally anything makes you better than the majority of people who have never tried the thing at all. For example, I have a B-grade GCSE in German and I have barely practised speaking it for several decades since that exam. But I am still in the top 2-3% of the world when it comes to speaking German. If you know how to use a semicolon you're already one of the better writers of English on Earth (and probably elsewhere too). The bar for being relatively good at anything is incredibly low. Although I don't really care about relatively good. Nobody else's opinion matters - unless they are paying me, of course.
Most professional creatives I've worked with have seemed confident in their own abilities. I'm not sure how you could do something professionally otherwise. It's one thing to worry about your hobby but for your job? You have to know how good you are and be realistic about it.
Don't think this means I don't have high standards btw. I do. But I'm all about achievable goals, not impossible ones.
Compare this statement: with I believe that many, many professionals struggle with self-doubt, but presenting self-doubt to customers and competitors is very unproductive so most of us keep it to...
Compare this statement:
good at fooling people. Which is functionally identical to actually being good at something
with
Most professional creatives I've worked with have seemed confident in their own abilities. I'm not sure how you could do something professionally otherwise.
I believe that many, many professionals struggle with self-doubt, but presenting self-doubt to customers and competitors is very unproductive so most of us keep it to ourselves. I'm a decade into my career, and when I'm at work present myself very confidently and am, in fact, perfectly competent at what I do. Nevertheless, I definitely get that gut feeling on occasion that I'm just lucky nobody's figured out I'm faking.
Based on what I've heard from folks in more creative fields than mine, I have come to believe that it is even more common in those lines of work.
Perhaps it's more common than you think, is all I'm saying.
What flavour of creative are you? I wonder if that makes a difference. I think there’s an element of baring your soul in some creative endeavours which leaves the creator feeling very vulnerable...
What flavour of creative are you? I wonder if that makes a difference. I think there’s an element of baring your soul in some creative endeavours which leaves the creator feeling very vulnerable that doesn’t necessarily exist in other creative projects (like maybe writing poetry vs making furniture - both creative, but the former more about the artist than the latter).
Over the years I've done a lot. I currently make... things. Mostly jewellery (generally wedding or memorial), but whatever people want. I made a trophy last year.. I often have to create designs,...
Over the years I've done a lot. I currently make... things. Mostly jewellery (generally wedding or memorial), but whatever people want. I made a trophy last year.. I often have to create designs, it's rare someone comes to me with a fully formed idea. But I've been a graphic designer, photographer and writer too. Personally I've always considered programming a fairly creative field and I did that for a decent amount of time as well, but I know some people don't think that. They are wrong though :)
I think there might be difference around vulnerability but I wonder also about the difference between professional, on-demand creativity and personal. I have very little emotional investment in most of the things I create for other people. They ask, I make. I'm not a tortured artist wresting my creations from the midnight depths of my soul because I can't live in the world without getting those things out of me - I'm just a person coming up with shapes or colours or words that fit someone's brief. Which isn't to say either way of doing things is better or worse, or creates better or worse things. I'm sure there are woodworkers making chairs that they've cried and bled over as much as there are poets knocking off a quick verse to hit a deadline, but I think you're right about the way the balance tends to tip.
Unfortunately I suspect there is an aspect of me being a mostly straight white cisgendered dude and the certainty that whatever I'm doing is both right and good that comes with that. I do try to be aware of that privilege, but the opposite effect likely comes into play with people who aren't able to play life on cheat/easy mode.
I think that’s a really good point about being creative for pay. I felt a lot more confident when I was a hired pen, (but it was also factual, non-fiction so there’s a defined right and wrong!)...
I think that’s a really good point about being creative for pay. I felt a lot more confident when I was a hired pen, (but it was also factual, non-fiction so there’s a defined right and wrong!) though I still had moments of thinking “someone pays me for this garbage?!”
The self-assurance that can come from the way boys tend to be raised vs girls (by society, not necessarily by the messages from parents though this varies too) might certainly be part of it, though I have read plenty enough tortured musings from great cis white male authors too, so it’s not a guarantee. I think perhaps you got lucky to have the type of personality and upbringing that fostered this in you (and perhaps you have also worked on it too? Or have you always felt this way?)
I actually find it very inspiring to read people being utterly assured about their own art and ability, so thank you for sharing!
Artists love to romanticize the pain of the creative/craft process, it seems like an extremely common feeling. Don't Lose Sight by Lawrence is a great song, and also describes the rollercoaster of...
Artists love to romanticize the pain of the creative/craft process, it seems like an extremely common feeling.
At the very end, you can hear the relief but also a little bit of hedging by Clyde: "Alright, I think that was prob'ly it." The enjoyment of it is enhanced for me because it feels authentic from them and describes very familiar feelings.
There’s something quite charming about someone who’s absolutely nailed something still being a little unsure whether it was good. It’s so very relatable that it’s a bit of a relief, a feeling of...
There’s something quite charming about someone who’s absolutely nailed something still being a little unsure whether it was good. It’s so very relatable that it’s a bit of a relief, a feeling of “ahh, so we all feel this way”.
It’s really hard to put yourself out there creatively. You can’t help comparing yourself to people at the absolute pinnacle of your craft
Agreed! Charming is the perfect description. I think it also speaks to the challenge, or maybe impossibility, of evaluating your creation while creating. Clyde felt pretty good about the take, but...
Agreed! Charming is the perfect description.
I think it also speaks to the challenge, or maybe impossibility, of evaluating your creation while creating. Clyde felt pretty good about the take, but probably wanted to hear the playback and get a draft mix before he knows for sure.
Third-party objectivity is still one of the most helpful tools for improvement. My subjective view of my work can skew towards negativity (or existential dread/nihilistic meaninglessness). Coming back to a project after a night of rest can help a lot to reset my perspective.
I think time is an important factor when self-evaluating. The longer you wait from creation to evaluation, the more differences you'll possibly have from the "original" creator. You will connect/not connect with certain feelings, and it gets a little closer to measuring how others may connect/not connect with the creation.
“My subjective view of my work can skew towards negativity” I certainly resonate with this. I got some feedback on a story recently from my writers group and someone had written “funny paragraph”...
“My subjective view of my work can skew towards negativity” I certainly resonate with this. I got some feedback on a story recently from my writers group and someone had written “funny paragraph” a couple of times. I immediately was thinking “funny how? Like the grammar is weird, or it doesn’t make sense or…?” And it took me several hours to realise they meant funny amusing and not funny weird.
I’m a big words of affirmation person. I live for praise. I wonder if creatives skew this way, generally?!
Totally agree about time dulling the emotions around a piece so that you can be more objective.
From my experience, third parties tend to be a useless source of objective criticism. Most people seem to be more interested in validating others than actually offering any criticism of any value....
From my experience, third parties tend to be a useless source of objective criticism. Most people seem to be more interested in validating others than actually offering any criticism of any value. The few times I’ve shown my drawings to other people, they always say they look “great” while I’m sitting here thinking to myself “wow that’s so helpful”.
The only meaningful praise or criticism will be from people you respect or admire doing similar work, or with enough experience to have good taste. The vast majority of people won't be able to...
The only meaningful praise or criticism will be from people you respect or admire doing similar work, or with enough experience to have good taste. The vast majority of people won't be able to tell if it's good or bad. Even if they have an opinion, they won't be able to tell you why they feel a certain way.
Feedback from peers or mentors in similar creative spaces is the best place to find objective perspectives. Or you can try to adjust your own perspective to be as objective as possible, when you aren't getting any outside feedback.
Thank you for sharing. You've put words to feelings I've been plagued by for as long as I can remember. All I can say is, how nice are those rare moments when you can get out of your own way and...
Thank you for sharing. You've put words to feelings I've been plagued by for as long as I can remember.
All I can say is, how nice are those rare moments when you can get out of your own way and enjoy creating something?
I put some recordings on Youtube a few years ago. They were scrappy, thrown together in an evening. I had friends in quarantine and I just wanted to share something with, just for entertainment. And they were entertained.
How is the "serious" EP that I've been tooling around with for years, better than those, nobody's getting anything out of my endlessly iterating and revising and stressing over a project. Tree falling in the woods. Have you really created anything until somebody else has experienced it?
I have this conversation with my kids quite often. My go to expression is "You weren't born on roller blades" to try to remind them that it is a process. You have to learn to walk first and it's...
I have this conversation with my kids quite often. My go to expression is "You weren't born on roller blades" to try to remind them that it is a process.
You have to learn to walk first and it's sort of ugly. You're bumping into things all the time, falling down and sometimes going just as far sideways as forward. Then, once you've mastered that you try to run and it's awkward and sort of ugly again. Eventually that phase is mastered and then you put on a pair of " My First Roller Skates" with the wide wheels and all the safety equipment. Often times they're done for the day if they fall down just once at this stage. Once again, it's awkward and messy until they get confortable enough that when the cycle repeats they are slightly less uncomfortable when they put on a pair of "real" skates. They still make mistakes but they've learned how to fall a little more gracefully now and they have enough confidence that they get back up again and keep going. Eventually they get rollerblades and are zooming all around doing spins, skating backwards and weaving around everyone else.
When they pick up a new hobby or get discouraged with an older hobby because their mind's eye masterpiece isn't matching whatever "monstrosity" is in front of them I'll ask them which part of the rollerblading process are they in. It usually gives them some perspective about where at in the learning process they are.
We also have a quote by Thomas Edison on our DAKBoard:
I never once failed at making a light bulb. I just found out 99 ways not to make one. I know of over 3,000 ways a light bulb does not work.
Back when I watched a lot of YouTube I always liked watching videos by Evan and Katelyn because they showed their failures and didn't edit them out. They would often try things outside of their comfort zone and it was presented as rather wholesome and natural to fail and then they'd explain why they think plan b would be better. I have no idea how scripted the shows are but I found it refreshing compared to other maker channels I had watched where someone claims to have never used a hammer in their life and then goes on to build something like the Sistine Chapel in an afternoon.
This is a very interesting post, OP. Thanks for sharing such vulnerable thoughts so openly about your creativity. I want to share one thought with you, as I used to suffer from such anxious...
This is a very interesting post, OP. Thanks for sharing such vulnerable thoughts so openly about your creativity.
I want to share one thought with you, as I used to suffer from such anxious thoughts myself. I have learned that there is so much to be gained from "crappy projects", because I learn from them. I learn what I don't want to do, I learn where my strengths are, I learn where I need to improve. I have mountains of crappy projects, endless amounts of them, and I used to be so embarrassed by them. Now I cherish them, because they have taught me (and continue to teach me), and help me improve to the place I want to be at. Each failed project reminds me "don't give up, you're getting there, step by step."
I've also learned that sometimes I just need distance; so many times I've been convinced "this is shit!" I toss it away, then a few years later come upon it, look at it with fresh eyes and think "this isn't as bad as I thought." Just a thought!
One other thought for you: have you ever painted watercolor? Or any sort of painting which often requires a lot of layers? So, so many times I have looked at a project and thought "damn, this is awful", but the more layers I put on, it takes on more life, and it becomes beautiful. Forcing yourself to finish a project through that you are convinced is terrible, can also be useful for this reason, I have found (because once it's completed, it might not be as awful as you thought.)
I would highly encourage you to finish one of these "crappy projects" some time, and see if anything interesting comes out of it for you. Even if you take a break in between for a week, a month, a year, two years... whatever... and only pick it up again later once inspiration strikes. (I've sometimes found this long break is very helpful, rather than forcing myself to finish when I'm in a rut. But everyone is different!)
I found a solution. I have a I'm crap at everything hobby (drawing) and a I'm kinda good at this (crochet) hobby. When I'm anxious, I stick to crochet with patterns, when I'm not, I draw. It's...
I found a solution. I have a I'm crap at everything hobby (drawing) and a I'm kinda good at this (crochet) hobby. When I'm anxious, I stick to crochet with patterns, when I'm not, I draw. It's really interesting to see the difference between drawings I've made in "I'm shit at everything" periods and in periods when I'm okay.
Maybe I can't relate because I'm not a creative but when I work on something, such as an essay or software, I don't have any anxiety because I'm not thinking about what other people will think....
Maybe I can't relate because I'm not a creative but when I work on something, such as an essay or software, I don't have any anxiety because I'm not thinking about what other people will think. The focus is on improving my ability.
Creativity is one thing. Commiting to draft after draft of something is another skill set entirely. For some reason, the former is what we are taught to hold in high regard. And yet, the latter is what leads to results.
The Ira Glass quote:
This is such an amazing quote, thanks for posting it! It explains an awful lot, for me. My eyes are fully open to myself
Yes thank you also for bringing up the quote in the first place! It’s so good. I feel like every writer should have it displayed above their usual writing spot
I think there's a big difference between doing something for yourself, and doing something to make money. Ideally, they overlap, but that's not nearly as common as people want it to be.
I recently read Every Tool's A Hammer by Adam Savage, and he talks repeatedly about his process. Build, figure out what could be better, build better, repeat. This is also known as the "fail fast" approach (usually used in the context of software design). He also contrasts this with Jamie Hyneman's process, which, if you're at all familiar with Mythbusters, is exactly as you'd expect: plan, figure out what could be better, plan better, repeat. Eventually build. Adam's process is far more expensive, but it does let you see the problems in a practical - rather than theoretical - sense.
The biggest problem with Adam's process is that most people only have the budget and the time to build it once. So instead, we start planning and refining, and planning and refining, and never get to the build process, because we don't want to fuck it up. Or if we do get to the build process, we find (or make) a mistake, and start to doubt all of the other planning.
I've learned to adopt the "good enough" approach. Most of my "creative" endeavours also have a practical aspect to them (e.g. a wall mount for a crokinole board as a piece of art), so as long as it fulfills the practical component, it's good enough for me. Obviously, I want it to look good, and I spend time planning for that, but I've learned to incorporate and/or live with any non-structural mistakes along the way. But this isn't my job/career, nor do I want it to be. It's all for myself (and my family, I guess), and if I'm not perfect, I shouldn't expect perfection out of anything I make either.
This is the contrast between people who have one novel / album they wish to create and those who wish to be writers / musicians. The former often end up stuck on a lack of skill combined with a lack of time (or ideas) to burn on practice. They don’t have spare ideas to waste on cranking out 30 dogshit short stories and hopefully getting the feedback needed to start writing good stories (or they try but get no feedback at all and never improve).
Additionally, knowing which idea to iterate on and which to scrap for parts is a skill in itself. Are you polishing a turd or sculpting fresh-quarried marble?
I think “I’m shit at everything” is the mantra of all creatives, isn’t it? Either that or “I’m shit at everything (but still a genius)”.
Every sentence I write is the worst combination of words in existence, but somehow they all shuffle into line and by the end, the piece is superb. Then, the first time anyone else reads it, the words have reorganised themselves, out of my view, into a steaming pile of horse manure, and I have to beat them into submission during rewrites until they behave themselves.
Apart from a very few utterly perfect people, nothing will ever turn out as well as you hoped. But at the very same time, it will turn out infinitely better than you feared. The consumer of your art knows not what you intended, they can’t see into your mind and view the richness of your ideas, but they can still love and be moved by what you ended up with. And that makes it worth sharing.
This really doesn't line up with my experience. I have always worked (and hobbied) in creative fields and I don't think I'm shit at.. anything really. Apart from dancing salsa. I am laughably shit at that.
Does that mean I don't think my work can be improved? Of course it doesn't, I'm always critical of what I do to make it better. Does that mean I have nothing left to learn? No way, every project is a learning project and I'm always pushing myself to learn more stuff. Does that mean I don't occasionally create shit things? Absolutely not! Sometimes things go off my bench straight into the bin.
But I am good at what I do and I know that. Things regularly turn out exactly as I expect them to or better, and that goes for both professional and hobby stuff. I am consistently baffled by people who think they are rubbish at things they're obviously good at. Usually things which, if they were being done by other people, they'd be genuinely impressed with. You, and everyone reading this, are so much better than you think you are.
I’m genuinely ecstatic for you that you’ve never experienced imposter syndrome. I was exaggerating a little for effect, but I have met very very few people in the creative world like you that are good and know they’re good, and many many people with impossibly high standards who are never satisfied with what they produce. I have bursts of confidence when I know I’m a bloody good writer, and I have equal bursts of despair that I’ll never write anything great. The quote elsewhere in this thread by Ira Glass explains it perfectly for me
The closest I've got to imposter syndrome is thinking that if I am just making it up and fooling everyone, I'm obviously pretty good at fooling people. Which is functionally identical to actually being good at something.
When you remember that most people are mostly no good at most things it's a lot easier. A few hours of practice at literally anything makes you better than the majority of people who have never tried the thing at all. For example, I have a B-grade GCSE in German and I have barely practised speaking it for several decades since that exam. But I am still in the top 2-3% of the world when it comes to speaking German. If you know how to use a semicolon you're already one of the better writers of English on Earth (and probably elsewhere too). The bar for being relatively good at anything is incredibly low. Although I don't really care about relatively good. Nobody else's opinion matters - unless they are paying me, of course.
Most professional creatives I've worked with have seemed confident in their own abilities. I'm not sure how you could do something professionally otherwise. It's one thing to worry about your hobby but for your job? You have to know how good you are and be realistic about it.
Don't think this means I don't have high standards btw. I do. But I'm all about achievable goals, not impossible ones.
Compare this statement:
with
I believe that many, many professionals struggle with self-doubt, but presenting self-doubt to customers and competitors is very unproductive so most of us keep it to ourselves. I'm a decade into my career, and when I'm at work present myself very confidently and am, in fact, perfectly competent at what I do. Nevertheless, I definitely get that gut feeling on occasion that I'm just lucky nobody's figured out I'm faking.
Based on what I've heard from folks in more creative fields than mine, I have come to believe that it is even more common in those lines of work.
Perhaps it's more common than you think, is all I'm saying.
What flavour of creative are you? I wonder if that makes a difference. I think there’s an element of baring your soul in some creative endeavours which leaves the creator feeling very vulnerable that doesn’t necessarily exist in other creative projects (like maybe writing poetry vs making furniture - both creative, but the former more about the artist than the latter).
Over the years I've done a lot. I currently make... things. Mostly jewellery (generally wedding or memorial), but whatever people want. I made a trophy last year.. I often have to create designs, it's rare someone comes to me with a fully formed idea. But I've been a graphic designer, photographer and writer too. Personally I've always considered programming a fairly creative field and I did that for a decent amount of time as well, but I know some people don't think that. They are wrong though :)
I think there might be difference around vulnerability but I wonder also about the difference between professional, on-demand creativity and personal. I have very little emotional investment in most of the things I create for other people. They ask, I make. I'm not a tortured artist wresting my creations from the midnight depths of my soul because I can't live in the world without getting those things out of me - I'm just a person coming up with shapes or colours or words that fit someone's brief. Which isn't to say either way of doing things is better or worse, or creates better or worse things. I'm sure there are woodworkers making chairs that they've cried and bled over as much as there are poets knocking off a quick verse to hit a deadline, but I think you're right about the way the balance tends to tip.
Unfortunately I suspect there is an aspect of me being a mostly straight white cisgendered dude and the certainty that whatever I'm doing is both right and good that comes with that. I do try to be aware of that privilege, but the opposite effect likely comes into play with people who aren't able to play life on cheat/easy mode.
I think that’s a really good point about being creative for pay. I felt a lot more confident when I was a hired pen, (but it was also factual, non-fiction so there’s a defined right and wrong!) though I still had moments of thinking “someone pays me for this garbage?!”
The self-assurance that can come from the way boys tend to be raised vs girls (by society, not necessarily by the messages from parents though this varies too) might certainly be part of it, though I have read plenty enough tortured musings from great cis white male authors too, so it’s not a guarantee. I think perhaps you got lucky to have the type of personality and upbringing that fostered this in you (and perhaps you have also worked on it too? Or have you always felt this way?)
I actually find it very inspiring to read people being utterly assured about their own art and ability, so thank you for sharing!
Artists love to romanticize the pain of the creative/craft process, it seems like an extremely common feeling.
Don't Lose Sight by Lawrence is a great song, and also describes the rollercoaster of feelings really well.
At the very end, you can hear the relief but also a little bit of hedging by Clyde: "Alright, I think that was prob'ly it." The enjoyment of it is enhanced for me because it feels authentic from them and describes very familiar feelings.
Edit: fixing misquote
There’s something quite charming about someone who’s absolutely nailed something still being a little unsure whether it was good. It’s so very relatable that it’s a bit of a relief, a feeling of “ahh, so we all feel this way”.
It’s really hard to put yourself out there creatively. You can’t help comparing yourself to people at the absolute pinnacle of your craft
Agreed! Charming is the perfect description.
I think it also speaks to the challenge, or maybe impossibility, of evaluating your creation while creating. Clyde felt pretty good about the take, but probably wanted to hear the playback and get a draft mix before he knows for sure.
Third-party objectivity is still one of the most helpful tools for improvement. My subjective view of my work can skew towards negativity (or existential dread/nihilistic meaninglessness). Coming back to a project after a night of rest can help a lot to reset my perspective.
I think time is an important factor when self-evaluating. The longer you wait from creation to evaluation, the more differences you'll possibly have from the "original" creator. You will connect/not connect with certain feelings, and it gets a little closer to measuring how others may connect/not connect with the creation.
“My subjective view of my work can skew towards negativity” I certainly resonate with this. I got some feedback on a story recently from my writers group and someone had written “funny paragraph” a couple of times. I immediately was thinking “funny how? Like the grammar is weird, or it doesn’t make sense or…?” And it took me several hours to realise they meant funny amusing and not funny weird.
I’m a big words of affirmation person. I live for praise. I wonder if creatives skew this way, generally?!
Totally agree about time dulling the emotions around a piece so that you can be more objective.
From my experience, third parties tend to be a useless source of objective criticism. Most people seem to be more interested in validating others than actually offering any criticism of any value. The few times I’ve shown my drawings to other people, they always say they look “great” while I’m sitting here thinking to myself “wow that’s so helpful”.
The only meaningful praise or criticism will be from people you respect or admire doing similar work, or with enough experience to have good taste. The vast majority of people won't be able to tell if it's good or bad. Even if they have an opinion, they won't be able to tell you why they feel a certain way.
Feedback from peers or mentors in similar creative spaces is the best place to find objective perspectives. Or you can try to adjust your own perspective to be as objective as possible, when you aren't getting any outside feedback.
Thank you for sharing. You've put words to feelings I've been plagued by for as long as I can remember.
All I can say is, how nice are those rare moments when you can get out of your own way and enjoy creating something?
I put some recordings on Youtube a few years ago. They were scrappy, thrown together in an evening. I had friends in quarantine and I just wanted to share something with, just for entertainment. And they were entertained.
How is the "serious" EP that I've been tooling around with for years, better than those, nobody's getting anything out of my endlessly iterating and revising and stressing over a project. Tree falling in the woods. Have you really created anything until somebody else has experienced it?
I have this conversation with my kids quite often. My go to expression is "You weren't born on roller blades" to try to remind them that it is a process.
You have to learn to walk first and it's sort of ugly. You're bumping into things all the time, falling down and sometimes going just as far sideways as forward. Then, once you've mastered that you try to run and it's awkward and sort of ugly again. Eventually that phase is mastered and then you put on a pair of " My First Roller Skates" with the wide wheels and all the safety equipment. Often times they're done for the day if they fall down just once at this stage. Once again, it's awkward and messy until they get confortable enough that when the cycle repeats they are slightly less uncomfortable when they put on a pair of "real" skates. They still make mistakes but they've learned how to fall a little more gracefully now and they have enough confidence that they get back up again and keep going. Eventually they get rollerblades and are zooming all around doing spins, skating backwards and weaving around everyone else.
When they pick up a new hobby or get discouraged with an older hobby because their mind's eye masterpiece isn't matching whatever "monstrosity" is in front of them I'll ask them which part of the rollerblading process are they in. It usually gives them some perspective about where at in the learning process they are.
We also have a quote by Thomas Edison on our DAKBoard:
Back when I watched a lot of YouTube I always liked watching videos by Evan and Katelyn because they showed their failures and didn't edit them out. They would often try things outside of their comfort zone and it was presented as rather wholesome and natural to fail and then they'd explain why they think plan b would be better. I have no idea how scripted the shows are but I found it refreshing compared to other maker channels I had watched where someone claims to have never used a hammer in their life and then goes on to build something like the Sistine Chapel in an afternoon.
This is a very interesting post, OP. Thanks for sharing such vulnerable thoughts so openly about your creativity.
I want to share one thought with you, as I used to suffer from such anxious thoughts myself. I have learned that there is so much to be gained from "crappy projects", because I learn from them. I learn what I don't want to do, I learn where my strengths are, I learn where I need to improve. I have mountains of crappy projects, endless amounts of them, and I used to be so embarrassed by them. Now I cherish them, because they have taught me (and continue to teach me), and help me improve to the place I want to be at. Each failed project reminds me "don't give up, you're getting there, step by step."
I've also learned that sometimes I just need distance; so many times I've been convinced "this is shit!" I toss it away, then a few years later come upon it, look at it with fresh eyes and think "this isn't as bad as I thought." Just a thought!
One other thought for you: have you ever painted watercolor? Or any sort of painting which often requires a lot of layers? So, so many times I have looked at a project and thought "damn, this is awful", but the more layers I put on, it takes on more life, and it becomes beautiful. Forcing yourself to finish a project through that you are convinced is terrible, can also be useful for this reason, I have found (because once it's completed, it might not be as awful as you thought.)
I would highly encourage you to finish one of these "crappy projects" some time, and see if anything interesting comes out of it for you. Even if you take a break in between for a week, a month, a year, two years... whatever... and only pick it up again later once inspiration strikes. (I've sometimes found this long break is very helpful, rather than forcing myself to finish when I'm in a rut. But everyone is different!)
I found a solution. I have a I'm crap at everything hobby (drawing) and a I'm kinda good at this (crochet) hobby. When I'm anxious, I stick to crochet with patterns, when I'm not, I draw. It's really interesting to see the difference between drawings I've made in "I'm shit at everything" periods and in periods when I'm okay.
Sadly I've not been okay since I had Covid.
Maybe I can't relate because I'm not a creative but when I work on something, such as an essay or software, I don't have any anxiety because I'm not thinking about what other people will think. The focus is on improving my ability.