partyy
tonight i went to a party
was never no coke and bacarti
just a bunch of people in a circle
playing uno and one dude in the corner eating smarties
his name was ignacio
(beat)
and he was hanging round
having a good night,
just bumping some music
and catching a vibe
and thats alright, and we were at your place.
(beat)
and i took a look at your face
looked like you were in a good place.
blue eyes got me feeling fine
same way they did a few years
ago - about nine, when we were
sitting in the park by the pine
and i said fine and i kissed you.
and six months passed, we been apart since then.
now im back at home
drinking corona with the lime in
twisted in the lions den
and I took you to bed.
passive thought in my head when i tucked you in
made you dirnk some water
before you woke in the morning
just so you wouldnt be moaning
and i miss you
and i think that i like you
got my heads so high in the clouds
i can see the planes
and a couple kites too
its just like you
to fade out and fade in
and leave me wondering
what would've been
but now you're flirting with me
and i like it because im hurting
and i need that attention
a little maternal care
and that desire for retention
i feel like you really want me here.
i like it
IMO the primary goal of critiquing posts should be to help users become more valuable contributors to the site in the future, not make them feel bad for any mistakes they made and potentially discourage them from contributing anything ever again. And to that end I think had you framed your comment purely as suggestions rather than as condemnation, it probably would have come off friendlier and made OP more receptive to your message.
So instead of saying:
"It has no tags, the title is incoherent, the content is open to a variety of interpretations (poem, lyrics to a song, lyrics written yourself, ...) and there's no explanation or start of discussion whatsoever."
You could have instead said:
"Next time you should consider including some tags and additional details to your submission explaining what it is, what it is about, whether you wrote it or not, what you want to discuss about it, etc. to help other users who read it understand what it is and in order to foster discussion."
And IMO you should also avoid saying things like "this is kind of a bad post" and "I don't really understand why this post is here" since they only serve to potentially make OP feel like shit rather than help them in any way.
Oh, I never got the sense you were trying to insult OP, so sorry if it came off that way, but condemnation of someone's creative output can definitely be taken personally by some people and so it's worth trying to avoid, IMO.
No problem and sorry if I came off as unduly harsh myself either. That was not my intent and I tried to frame my comment as constructively as possible.
@Earlgreytea, I love it! It comes across to me very much a performance piece; part rap, part croon, and all about the moment to moment transitory emotion building to epiphany.
I also love the spontaneousness of your post. It feels like poetry suddenly blooming in the midst of a snow bank. :)
I dig it. Thank you for sharing.
This place needs more creative content like this.