Depending on where you are, there may be a government office or a woman's crisis hotline that can discuss options. You didn't say what continent you are living on. Your financial needs and...
Depending on where you are, there may be a government office or a woman's crisis hotline that can discuss options.
You didn't say what continent you are living on.
Your financial needs and physical safety needs are important. I would treat your ex as a serious potential threat. He might not be, but stalkers are frequently dangerous.
I don't think you are overreacting. What you are describing is serious.
It sounds like you are overwhelmed by multiple different crises that it may help to try and compartmentalise and tackle one at a time. The ex and whether he poses a danger - I'm afraid I have no...
It sounds like you are overwhelmed by multiple different crises that it may help to try and compartmentalise and tackle one at a time.
The ex and whether he poses a danger - I'm afraid I have no advice here, it's not a situation I've experienced and is far too serious to make an educated guess at.
Mental health struggle - while they're not equipped for someone in suicidal crisis, I was recently pointed to Overcome, a charity that offers free videocall "coaching" sessions for mental health care, available worldwide as long as you speak English. If you can get past this point of acute crisis they could be a viable next step for support. I know when I've struggled in the past having a next step has helped, apologies if that's not the case for you.
Social isolation - you don't have friends anymore, but do you have contact info to reach out to anyone you were friends with previously? If they're already not in contact, there's literally nothing to lose by sending them a version of this topic and seeing who may still care. And it's the height of hypocrisy coming from me, but it's worth continuing to try to connect with local parents when you have the energy.
Parenting - if the father is a safe option for your kid, bother him and see what he can offer. Especially if he has family and/or friends that can support him. His struggles can't be any worse than your own, and they certainly don't have to mean more to you than your own.
Your kid's father may not owe you anything, but you both bear equal responsibility in taking care of your child. He should at the very least be contributing financially to the child's care,...
Your kid's father may not owe you anything, but you both bear equal responsibility in taking care of your child. He should at the very least be contributing financially to the child's care, especially if you are taking care of them fulltime. If he is stable and not a danger to you or your child, he should be more involved in the child's upbringing and not leave it all to you. What is your custody situation? Is he involved in any of your child's care (sharing time taking care of them, taking them to doctor's appointments, playing with them, getting involved in their education, etc)?
Wow. I am so sorry that you went through all of that with your ex-boyfriend. What an insane story. I’m so glad that you finally got rid of him. If you ask me, I don’t think that you’re in any...
Wow. I am so sorry that you went through all of that with your ex-boyfriend. What an insane story. I’m so glad that you finally got rid of him.
If you ask me, I don’t think that you’re in any danger anymore. Your ex has moved on. He will likely (unfortunately) find some other woman to harass very soon. Thankfully, it was a long-distance relationship too, and as time goes on, your life will move forward and he will eventually become completely unable to find you, even if he wanted to (which he doesn’t).
There are some good suggestions here with how you can deal with your loneliness and sense of desperation. I’m going to give you one that will be unpopular, but at this point, I think that you have nothing to lose: Have you considered trying religion? Maybe having a god to call out to in prayer would give you some hope. Churches can also be some of the most welcoming social circles that you can insert yourself in. Of course, you may want to browse for a little while before you settle on one where you feel comfortable and taken care of. Churches are also places that you can take your kid with you to, so you won’t need to find a nanny in order to socialize.
Anyway, I hope I don’t offend anyone here for making this suggestion. I know that religion is a touchy subject. Honestly, just typing this out makes me feel afraid that I might get banned for breaking some rule that I wasn’t aware of (in which case, I apologize for). I know that there are sects out there who do manipulate and exploit people. But there are also genuine religions, where the members focus on supporting each other and helping their local communities. Plus, your child could also end up making friends there.
Seeking out spirituality is a natural behavior and I’m glad you found relief there(before). Spirituality and religion are not always the same things ;) we like to look for reasons, answers to...
Seeking out spirituality is a natural behavior and I’m glad you found relief there(before). Spirituality and religion are not always the same things ;) we like to look for reasons, answers to things. Explanations for why the world is the way it is. Why what is happening to us is happening.
It sounds like you may like nature or other “liminal” things. Which I love ! Your story of asking the Earth for answers regarding what the fuck is going on is very understandable. I would engage in those things if you can. Going to the tops of mountains. Looking at skylines or sunsets. Big lakes. The night sky. All of these “gigantic” spaces make us feel grounded and at peace. Or at least cause us to pause and reflect. To slow down. They remind us of how tiny we are and for some reason that often leads to peace.
Walking meditation or walking therapy also helps me. It may be something you can engage in.
Threatening suicide when someone tries to break up with you is always abusive. Whether he intended to go through with it or not (and really, that's impossible to know for sure), that is an awful...
Threatening suicide when someone tries to break up with you is always abusive. Whether he intended to go through with it or not (and really, that's impossible to know for sure), that is an awful thing to do to someone and it's just an attempt to manipulate them. It sounds from your post like your husband worked hard to manipulate and isolate you so that you had to rely on him. Being in a country without any family or support network only makes that starker. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation and I wish I could physically help in person.
Are you legally divorced, or only separated? You should absolutely get child support from him at the very least, since he's not caring for your child atm. I highly recommend visiting a divorce lawyer if you're able -- I don't know what country you're in, but here in Germany I paid a little less than 200€ for an hour to consult with a lawyer about next steps when my wife left me, and it was exceptionally useful to me. Especially if you're on a marriage visa and thus have potential issues with that side of things, having a lawyer can really help remove a lot of uncertainty. If you are in Germany, feel free to DM me and I can give you more direct recommendations privately. For me, the uncertainty of the practical/legal side of things was a really heavy weight, and it got easier once those things were handled.
Right after my wife left, I found it incredibly helpful to go home and get support from my family back in the States, but obviously that may not be as tenable for you financially or practically with a child. If you have any friends locally, even relatively casual ones, think about reaching out. If you can't get support in person, reach out as much as you can remotely to friends and family back home or to online friends. I suppose making this thread is probably part of that, but don't hold yourself back from asking for help or telling casual friends or friends you haven't talked to in a while that you're in a rough situation. A lot of people are much more willing to help than you'd think, and you can use this as a way to reconnect if that's something that would hell you.
I also found it really helpful to talk to someone who had gone through divorce in the past and come out the other side -- in my case, my best friend's mother was able to give practical advice about how she got through it. Look for a divorce support group in your area if you can. Socializing more outside the house in general helped me a lot, as well as having something concrete to work on and distract myself with. For me, going to groups dedicated to my hobbies and taking a German class for some structure and something to work towards have helped a lot. For you, it might look different, especially depending on your location and proficiency with the local language.
The most important thing I want to tell you is that you are able to get through this. You're strong and smart for leaving him, and you're capable of moving forward. It sucks a lot right now, but over time it will suck less and less. You don't deserve to go through something like this, but you will survive and be stronger for it in the end.
Ah yeah sorry I think I assumed your ex and your kid's father were the same, sorry! I probably misread something there. Since they aren't the same person, I recommend you push for your kid's...
Ah yeah sorry I think I assumed your ex and your kid's father were the same, sorry! I probably misread something there. Since they aren't the same person, I recommend you push for your kid's father to take on more responsibility when it comes to childcare -- I know you said you don't want to bother him because he has his own stuff, but it's his kid too and you're in a rough enough place to really need it. Even if he can't watch your kid during the day either, perhaps the two of you could split the cost of daycare or a nanny or something.
I think going on excursions, even for just an hour on weekdays, is a good start. Even if it doesn't feel like enough, baby steps are better than nothing. I've personally had some luck finding groups relevant to my interests on Meetup, but that might depend on your location and such.
I think the fact that you're continuing on despite being on the edge is its own type of strength, tbqh. Reaching out for help here rather than giving up hope is strong in its own way too. I know that doesn't make it suck any less for you right now, but there is a future where things don't hurt like this if you just keep going.
You seem to be in an awfully situation so just want to give you some support! You can get through this. I don't have any specific advice, other than it seems from your description of the situation...
You seem to be in an awfully situation so just want to give you some support! You can get through this. I don't have any specific advice, other than it seems from your description of the situation that things are settling down. It might still feel overwhelming now, but it will get better! Reach out to family if that is an option, even if they're in another country, talking to someone can be helpful just to vent.
Again and sincerely I hope things will start to look up soon! I'm rooting for you.
I'm sorry that you had such a shitty, manipulative ex who put you through all this. Know that you're not alone--shitty partners ruin a lot of lives. Your experiences are your own and I'm sure no...
I'm sorry that you had such a shitty, manipulative ex who put you through all this. Know that you're not alone--shitty partners ruin a lot of lives. Your experiences are your own and I'm sure no one else can quite understand what you've been through, but you're not alone and this is not because of anything innate about you. Most people will have a hard time comprehending what you've been through, but there are those who get it.
For context, do you mind sharing which countries you moved to and from?
I am sorry you are suffering so much and enduring so much pain. You are very clearly experiencing trauma, looking for trauma support or resources may help you. But reaching out here(or anywhere...
I am sorry you are suffering so much and enduring so much pain. You are very clearly experiencing trauma, looking for trauma support or resources may help you. But reaching out here(or anywhere you can find community is good) and letting out your feelings by crying is also good. I’m glad you are not bottling up your feelings and are allowing yourself to have feelings instead of going numb or going into avoidance.
To answer your first question:
It’s not your responsibility or fault regarding what other people do. It truly isn’t. Women are often taught this hyper responsibility from an early age. It takes a long time to break away from it. It is not your fault, whatever he does or doesn’t do. As another said, threatening suicide is an abuse. It is manipulative. Try not to concern yourself with his threats by reminding yourself, “I am not responsible for other people’s actions. I cannot control what others say, do, or feel.” I had a friend in a similar situation to you, and once she cut him off she felt the relief pretty soon - even though she was afraid he would follow through. If you haven’t blocked him yet, or if he ever reaches out with suicide threats again, send him the resources for crisis or suicide hotline and then block. That is all you can do. Nothing more.
For question number 2. You did the right things with the resources and info you had. I’m really sorry you did not get the help, support, or relief you need ! Unfortunately, a lot of crisis lines are really just that, dealing with crisis, they can’t or won’t do anything if you’re not in literal imminent danger like literally going to die or be houseless. These workers are also often very burntout, as well, so they lack compassion or empathy or kindness, because they themselves have been exposed to so much secondhand trauma. This is not an excuse for their lack of help, just an explanation.
In regards to what to do, you may find success by looking for “free or sliding scale support groups for people in abusive relationships”. I don’t know if sliding scale is a term used where you are from, but basically here it means the fee for service can be lower or even $0.00 for people who cannot afford higher. “Pay what you can” is another phrase. Often I find it helpful to be in peer support and not just 1:1 therapy, it feels more —I’m not alone/weird/not my fault in peer group therapy. I don’t know what your relationships with your family or friends are like, but if you think you can contact them, also try that. I know it may seem like you haven’t contacted them in a while and that they won’t care or be there, but i was surprised who showed up for me when I needed it. But this will be up to you to determine. Don’t reach out if you think it will make it worse.
If there is anything you can engage in that is distracting or pleasurable, I’d advise doing that too.
I hope you can find some relief and reduce your suffering. You have been doing the right things and you deserve to feel better.
Depending on where you are, there may be a government office or a woman's crisis hotline that can discuss options.
You didn't say what continent you are living on.
Your financial needs and physical safety needs are important. I would treat your ex as a serious potential threat. He might not be, but stalkers are frequently dangerous.
I don't think you are overreacting. What you are describing is serious.
You said you are working but you can't afford childcare.
Who watched your child while you work?
This might help or lead to help
Or this
It sounds like you are overwhelmed by multiple different crises that it may help to try and compartmentalise and tackle one at a time.
Your kid's father may not owe you anything, but you both bear equal responsibility in taking care of your child. He should at the very least be contributing financially to the child's care, especially if you are taking care of them fulltime. If he is stable and not a danger to you or your child, he should be more involved in the child's upbringing and not leave it all to you. What is your custody situation? Is he involved in any of your child's care (sharing time taking care of them, taking them to doctor's appointments, playing with them, getting involved in their education, etc)?
Wow. I am so sorry that you went through all of that with your ex-boyfriend. What an insane story. I’m so glad that you finally got rid of him.
If you ask me, I don’t think that you’re in any danger anymore. Your ex has moved on. He will likely (unfortunately) find some other woman to harass very soon. Thankfully, it was a long-distance relationship too, and as time goes on, your life will move forward and he will eventually become completely unable to find you, even if he wanted to (which he doesn’t).
There are some good suggestions here with how you can deal with your loneliness and sense of desperation. I’m going to give you one that will be unpopular, but at this point, I think that you have nothing to lose: Have you considered trying religion? Maybe having a god to call out to in prayer would give you some hope. Churches can also be some of the most welcoming social circles that you can insert yourself in. Of course, you may want to browse for a little while before you settle on one where you feel comfortable and taken care of. Churches are also places that you can take your kid with you to, so you won’t need to find a nanny in order to socialize.
Anyway, I hope I don’t offend anyone here for making this suggestion. I know that religion is a touchy subject. Honestly, just typing this out makes me feel afraid that I might get banned for breaking some rule that I wasn’t aware of (in which case, I apologize for). I know that there are sects out there who do manipulate and exploit people. But there are also genuine religions, where the members focus on supporting each other and helping their local communities. Plus, your child could also end up making friends there.
Seeking out spirituality is a natural behavior and I’m glad you found relief there(before). Spirituality and religion are not always the same things ;) we like to look for reasons, answers to things. Explanations for why the world is the way it is. Why what is happening to us is happening.
It sounds like you may like nature or other “liminal” things. Which I love ! Your story of asking the Earth for answers regarding what the fuck is going on is very understandable. I would engage in those things if you can. Going to the tops of mountains. Looking at skylines or sunsets. Big lakes. The night sky. All of these “gigantic” spaces make us feel grounded and at peace. Or at least cause us to pause and reflect. To slow down. They remind us of how tiny we are and for some reason that often leads to peace.
Walking meditation or walking therapy also helps me. It may be something you can engage in.
Threatening suicide when someone tries to break up with you is always abusive. Whether he intended to go through with it or not (and really, that's impossible to know for sure), that is an awful thing to do to someone and it's just an attempt to manipulate them. It sounds from your post like your husband worked hard to manipulate and isolate you so that you had to rely on him. Being in a country without any family or support network only makes that starker. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation and I wish I could physically help in person.
Are you legally divorced, or only separated? You should absolutely get child support from him at the very least, since he's not caring for your child atm. I highly recommend visiting a divorce lawyer if you're able -- I don't know what country you're in, but here in Germany I paid a little less than 200€ for an hour to consult with a lawyer about next steps when my wife left me, and it was exceptionally useful to me. Especially if you're on a marriage visa and thus have potential issues with that side of things, having a lawyer can really help remove a lot of uncertainty. If you are in Germany, feel free to DM me and I can give you more direct recommendations privately. For me, the uncertainty of the practical/legal side of things was a really heavy weight, and it got easier once those things were handled.
Right after my wife left, I found it incredibly helpful to go home and get support from my family back in the States, but obviously that may not be as tenable for you financially or practically with a child. If you have any friends locally, even relatively casual ones, think about reaching out. If you can't get support in person, reach out as much as you can remotely to friends and family back home or to online friends. I suppose making this thread is probably part of that, but don't hold yourself back from asking for help or telling casual friends or friends you haven't talked to in a while that you're in a rough situation. A lot of people are much more willing to help than you'd think, and you can use this as a way to reconnect if that's something that would hell you.
I also found it really helpful to talk to someone who had gone through divorce in the past and come out the other side -- in my case, my best friend's mother was able to give practical advice about how she got through it. Look for a divorce support group in your area if you can. Socializing more outside the house in general helped me a lot, as well as having something concrete to work on and distract myself with. For me, going to groups dedicated to my hobbies and taking a German class for some structure and something to work towards have helped a lot. For you, it might look different, especially depending on your location and proficiency with the local language.
The most important thing I want to tell you is that you are able to get through this. You're strong and smart for leaving him, and you're capable of moving forward. It sucks a lot right now, but over time it will suck less and less. You don't deserve to go through something like this, but you will survive and be stronger for it in the end.
Ah yeah sorry I think I assumed your ex and your kid's father were the same, sorry! I probably misread something there. Since they aren't the same person, I recommend you push for your kid's father to take on more responsibility when it comes to childcare -- I know you said you don't want to bother him because he has his own stuff, but it's his kid too and you're in a rough enough place to really need it. Even if he can't watch your kid during the day either, perhaps the two of you could split the cost of daycare or a nanny or something.
I think going on excursions, even for just an hour on weekdays, is a good start. Even if it doesn't feel like enough, baby steps are better than nothing. I've personally had some luck finding groups relevant to my interests on Meetup, but that might depend on your location and such.
I think the fact that you're continuing on despite being on the edge is its own type of strength, tbqh. Reaching out for help here rather than giving up hope is strong in its own way too. I know that doesn't make it suck any less for you right now, but there is a future where things don't hurt like this if you just keep going.
You seem to be in an awfully situation so just want to give you some support! You can get through this. I don't have any specific advice, other than it seems from your description of the situation that things are settling down. It might still feel overwhelming now, but it will get better! Reach out to family if that is an option, even if they're in another country, talking to someone can be helpful just to vent.
Again and sincerely I hope things will start to look up soon! I'm rooting for you.
I'm sorry that you had such a shitty, manipulative ex who put you through all this. Know that you're not alone--shitty partners ruin a lot of lives. Your experiences are your own and I'm sure no one else can quite understand what you've been through, but you're not alone and this is not because of anything innate about you. Most people will have a hard time comprehending what you've been through, but there are those who get it.
For context, do you mind sharing which countries you moved to and from?
I am sorry you are suffering so much and enduring so much pain. You are very clearly experiencing trauma, looking for trauma support or resources may help you. But reaching out here(or anywhere you can find community is good) and letting out your feelings by crying is also good. I’m glad you are not bottling up your feelings and are allowing yourself to have feelings instead of going numb or going into avoidance.
To answer your first question:
It’s not your responsibility or fault regarding what other people do. It truly isn’t. Women are often taught this hyper responsibility from an early age. It takes a long time to break away from it. It is not your fault, whatever he does or doesn’t do. As another said, threatening suicide is an abuse. It is manipulative. Try not to concern yourself with his threats by reminding yourself, “I am not responsible for other people’s actions. I cannot control what others say, do, or feel.” I had a friend in a similar situation to you, and once she cut him off she felt the relief pretty soon - even though she was afraid he would follow through. If you haven’t blocked him yet, or if he ever reaches out with suicide threats again, send him the resources for crisis or suicide hotline and then block. That is all you can do. Nothing more.
For question number 2. You did the right things with the resources and info you had. I’m really sorry you did not get the help, support, or relief you need ! Unfortunately, a lot of crisis lines are really just that, dealing with crisis, they can’t or won’t do anything if you’re not in literal imminent danger like literally going to die or be houseless. These workers are also often very burntout, as well, so they lack compassion or empathy or kindness, because they themselves have been exposed to so much secondhand trauma. This is not an excuse for their lack of help, just an explanation.
In regards to what to do, you may find success by looking for “free or sliding scale support groups for people in abusive relationships”. I don’t know if sliding scale is a term used where you are from, but basically here it means the fee for service can be lower or even $0.00 for people who cannot afford higher. “Pay what you can” is another phrase. Often I find it helpful to be in peer support and not just 1:1 therapy, it feels more —I’m not alone/weird/not my fault in peer group therapy. I don’t know what your relationships with your family or friends are like, but if you think you can contact them, also try that. I know it may seem like you haven’t contacted them in a while and that they won’t care or be there, but i was surprised who showed up for me when I needed it. But this will be up to you to determine. Don’t reach out if you think it will make it worse.
If there is anything you can engage in that is distracting or pleasurable, I’d advise doing that too.
I hope you can find some relief and reduce your suffering. You have been doing the right things and you deserve to feel better.