It's not just male influencers who preach problematic manipulation

That this brand of self-help is having a resurgence right now is hardly surprising. The sexual revolution, whatever its benefits, also blew up virtually all the social structures and strictures that used to regulate romantic entanglements, leaving young people to navigate a lawless, chaotic landscape in which there’s no guarantee that the person you’re sleeping with even likes you, let alone intends to commit. Almost every trend in this sphere — from the demisexuals who insist that requiring an emotional connection before sex represents a protected identity category to the ubiquitous therapy-speak that turns ordinary disappointments into pathologies — represents an attempt by young women to reestablish some sort of order, to make their romantic and sexual lives make sense. And when young women are less likely to be looking for Mr. Right than hunting for the red flags that reveal a man to be undateable, it’s not hard to see the appeal of imposing a rigid framework on the whole endeavour, even if that framework is rooted in manipulation and pretence.

I dunno about this, this is a pretty heavy assertion. I concur that we're seeing a resurgence of that early 2000s tabloid cover at the grocery store "10 ways to make a man fall for you" sort of dreck coming back, but blaming it on sexually and romantically liberated women is a bold step for the author to take. I think you can avoid falling into traditionalist stereotypes and still have a healthy understanding of romance and attraction.

Otherwise, interesting article, thanks for sharing OP! A little disheartening that so many people give these influencers the time of day, there are so many great resources on how to sort out your romantic and sexual anxieties and work on finding a partner without compromising mutual respect.

Interesting writeup on the evolution of unhealthy 90s relationship views as they've moved from books and magazines to social media. I don't follow these types of influencers, but it's good to be aware of who they are since they have a platform and can affect young/vulnerable minds. I wish Rosenfield explained the TikTok hashtags in the context of social media use. I tried googling "what is #lawofattraction" and that didn't really help. I don't want to affect my algorithms, so I won't be looking up videos. 😅

Some of what she writes is too reductive for me though. Like we're gonna need at least another sentence explaining what the trad movement has to do with #metoo (women sharing their stories of harassment and discrimination at work?). The concept of power connecting the two was a stretch. It was also offensive to call demisexuals a "trend" and subtly question their existence. Modern dating is lawless and chaotic, but identity-affirming labels aren't just for young women. Lastly, I'm curious as to why the author doesn't consider looking out for red flags as part of the search for "Mr. Right".

The angle of "women don't want love, they want a transactional relationship" just gets a shrug from me. But the thrust of it-- that women are trying to understand how to date-- resonates a lot with me.

Speaking generally, I don't like a lot of the "rules," but I get why people listen to them. For example, if your goal is to date, then some of the abhorrent tips you might find online are correct. (If your goal is to find a kind, fairly stable-minded life partner, then it's usually very wrong). When I read them, there was often a lot of good advice in there with the bad. If you're someone who has never considered self-development, it would probably bring you a lot of success to do so. Conversely, if you're someone who's been conditioned to feel responsible for changing yourself into "being lovable," then thinking of yourself as "high value" will probably give you better-- or at least different-- outcomes than before.

The sexual revolution, whatever its benefits, also blew up virtually all the social structures and strictures that used to regulate romantic entanglements, leaving young people to navigate a lawless, chaotic landscape in which there’s no guarantee that the person you’re sleeping with even likes you, let alone intends to commit.

I read this sociology book on the hookup culture a while ago (and well, participated heavily) and agree strongly with this. There is no set of law or norms that fits modern society. Dating is even starkly different from 3 and 10 years ago, IME, and online dating was already in full-swing. Things have moved too quickly for us to find agreed upon norms, which has led to a lot of disappointment. And personally, I feel the old norms are somewhat dulled by their proximity to values that are not as supportive of a sexually liberated woman.

The best guiding principle I've found in our modern era (in all aspects) is mindfulness: being present in your life, appreciating what's in front of you, and being intentional about your actions. Every year we seem to move further away from that, and worse, I think it is increasingly punishing to be that person in a sea of people who view your interactions as cheap.