Melancholy Christmas
I miss the magic of Christmas. Today and tonight feels ordinary to me, and I miss that sense of wonder.
I miss the trips my family would take to visit our relatives. I miss the get-togethers, and the feasting, and playing games with my cousins and the family friends.
Even though I'm an atheist now, I miss having to go to midnight mass. I miss the excitement of being able to open one present before going to bed.
Unless some tragedy befalls me, I'm sure I can recapture that magic in my future. I'm not depressed about it. But that's a hope for later. For now, this is it.
For everybody else out there who's having a so-so Christmas... wishing you all the best, and hope you can still find a moment to appreciate the holiday.
Normally in the evenings I have to myself, I keep busy and find satisfaction in coding, or writing, or gaming. Tonight, those things don't feel meaningful.
I just wish I had somebody special to share Christmas Eve with, like in all those cozy Christmas songs. Instead, I'm just tired and want to sleep... But I can't go to bed until me and my mom can get my dad changed, so he's not wet with urine the whole night. Just like last night, and the night before that, and the night before that.
I wish I could have gotten to know my dad as well as I've gotten to know my mom, as an adult instead of as a child. But I also would have never spent this much time with my mom if my dad didn't end up with PCA, so wishing for that is wishing for an impossibility.
Why are people setting off fireworks in my area, starting at midnight? It's already 2:00 AM. It's Christmas Eve, not New Years. Aren't kids supposed to be asleep for Santa Claus to drop off presents? Do kids still believe in Santa Claus, or do they just stay up late playing video games on Christmas Eve now?
Maybe they aren't fireworks, maybe they're shooting at Santa.
I've been hearing some ambulance sirens. My dog is upset. It's hard to feel sorry for myself when there are some people having a much worse Christmas than me. If you're having a true disaster of a Christmas, I am truly sorry and I hope you pull through.
You're a good person for helping your mom out with your dad, not everyone would be willing to do that. I'm completely aware that isn't the point to your post, but it's still true.
I'm not having a disaster of a Christmas, but it's been a rough year.
I felt the same way you do now on my birthday, I didn't do anything. Usually I make a last minute plan or go celebrate with a friend who has the same birthday. Melancholy sucks.
Because of that, I made an effort to do something fun on Christmas, so I'm making cookies. I have my second cold this month, but I can still run a mixer and stick stuff in the oven. After that there will be cookies, and that will make me happy.
Is there something you enjoy that you don't normally do? Something like that night make you feel better.
I'm actually feeling a lot better after playing a few rounds of rocket league with a friend who surprisingly also logged on this late at night.
We got a karaoke machine for Christmas, and though it looks like we'll be returning it since it is sorta useless to us, the solution was right under my nose. I already pay for an app for learning piano (SimplyPiano) and that grants access to the singing app, which is closer to what I was looking for with scoring, lots of assistance, pitch adjustment, duets, etc.
So lots of Christmas music is the plan!
Music is often the answer to my melancholy, whether it's listening to it, writing it or singing/playing it. I'm glad it helps you too :)
Caregiver fatigue is very real and not easy to deal with. There are books about coping with it, but I don't know the best ones.
Holidays can be a sharp reminder of loneliness and unhappy family situations.
I hope it gets better.
I have been there. It sucks a lot. Sometimes Christmas sucks too. I don't really have any good advice...if there is downtime, and you all drink, just one beer/whisky/gin & tonic and a chat with your mom could be nice.
It does get better.
I have come to enjoy "boring", uneventful Christmases though. Which in a way is things getting better :). A simple nice dinner with a small number of friends (or even none) and definitely not torrented movies, or video games is nice.
I hope the ambulance isn't related to that research that's been making the rounds... Risk of penile fractures rises at Christmas, doctors find
But, yeah, this holiday season is more low key here too. I'm trying to send out a few positive vibes to a few people at least, check in with some friends and chat groups and so on
Thank you. It hasn't been the best. I normally visit family for the holidays, but the past two I got COVID from them. It's been rough on my body so I had to stay home this year. I miss them. Both sides of my family got sick. One side doesn't "believe" in COVID, the other tested and came back positive, including my mom. I hope the long COVID doesn't hit her so hard this time.
I'm taking solace in having many friends around me and celebrating with them. I normally don't get to since I'm with my family. They've been excited about it.
By the way, misery isn't a competition. It's ok to feel bad about your situation even if others may be worse.
I made a choice years ago, and moved to a culture where Christmas is barely celebrated- it's definitely more of a "December 25th" vibe. Though to be 100% fair, in this culture, it's New Year's that's the Big Holiday in winter.
Which doesn't make a difference to me either way. I moved to this country and left my family behind. I have friends in this culture, but they also don't celebrate Christmas. And my other friends who DO celebrate Christmas have chosen to travel this year- again, a choice I made, but it leaves me at home alone.
My family had a lot of Christmas and holiday traditions when I was growing up, and I certainly miss it all. For the most part, the holidays have become "Just a nice day off", which I know is more than others can even say. It has also never helped that I hate winter and the cold in general. I'm just glad that New Year's is next... because as an old meme goes, after New Years it becomes just two months of The Cold and Suck.