• Activity
  • Votes
  • Comments
  • New
  • All activity
  • Showing only topics with the tag "personal". Back to normal view
    1. What have you learned from going through a breakup?

      Question is for anyone who's ever gone through a breakup -- no matter how big or small. Also it goes for whether it was mutual, you were the one broken up with, or you had to be the one to break...

      Question is for anyone who's ever gone through a breakup -- no matter how big or small. Also it goes for whether it was mutual, you were the one broken up with, or you had to be the one to break the news.

      What did you learn from your breakup?
      How did it change you?

      Meta Note

      I have plans to do a series of these "what have you learned from ____" topics (see previous thread: "What have you learned from being a parent?"), where the blank is filled with specific roles/identities/experiences. I'll probably post one every couple of days, but I encourage anyone here to add their own to the series. If you've got one you want to post -- go for it!

      17 votes
    2. What's something that's changed for you as you've gotten older?

      No age requirement on the question so anyone can answer, and it can be about anything -- opinions, beliefs, preferences, your own body, etc. If you're comfortable sharing specific ages/ranges,...

      No age requirement on the question so anyone can answer, and it can be about anything -- opinions, beliefs, preferences, your own body, etc.

      If you're comfortable sharing specific ages/ranges, feel free, but if not that's fine too.

      19 votes
    3. I can't thank you enough

      Thanks After about a year-long absence I've hopped back on to Tildes again. There wasn't anything about the platform that made me "leave", it was purely external things in my life. With online...

      Thanks

      After about a year-long absence I've hopped back on to Tildes again. There wasn't anything about the platform that made me "leave", it was purely external things in my life. With online communities, you really don't expect people to recognize you from day to day, but people here do and it's one of the things I love about Tildes.

      What has absolutely shocked me is that after being gone for a full year people recognize my username. They have been incredibly kind and welcoming. They are happy to see me again. They remember the photography posts that I made and said they look forward to seeing them again. They remember the hard times my family was experiencing and have wished me well.

      I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I'm being serious when I say that this reception has made me tear up. I've never experienced this before in any community, anonymous or otherwise. In all of the noise of the internet I never really expected my voice to be heard, much less be remembered by anyone. I never anticipated strangers to care beyond the time it takes to comment on a post.

      I am completely overwhelmed by this reception. This is the kind of place that I thought had gone extinct on the internet. All of you have made me feel like I matter, and I don't think there's any way I can ever express my gratitude for this.

      Since I'm posting anyway, I'll give a quick update for everyone.

      Family

      My family is doing amazing right now. Both of my sons have flourished and made so much progress. I've been around other foster/adoptive parents and the transformation that has happened for them in such a short amount of time is nothing short of a true miracle. Neither of them has needed inpatient psych care for almost two years now, and my oldest is now able to go to a special school that can meet his needs. My youngest who has struggled his whole life with social interaction now has several friends and even a best friend. My wife and I's relationship, which was on the verge of total destruction is now back on track and stronger than ever. I really appreciate the awesome support this community gave me during the worst year of my life.

      Photography

      I also fell out of photography during that time, but with the new stability I have rebuilt my darkroom in our new home and I'm picking it up again. It has gone from a fun hobby to a driving passion, and I'm now partnered with a mentor who has decades of experience. With his guidance, I hope to start producing gallery-quality material. I don't know that I'll ever submit to a gallery, it's really just a personal goal to start making things I can be proud of.

      Again I can't thank everyone enough for all that you've done for me. I'm excited to be here and get plugged back into this awesome place!

      34 votes
    4. What childhood beliefs or misconceptions took you an embarrassing time to figure out?

      I'm talking about silly harmless stuff like "I believed in Santa Claus till I was 13", and not deep existential stuff like "It took me till adulthood to realize that my parents were doing their...

      I'm talking about silly harmless stuff like "I believed in Santa Claus till I was 13", and not deep existential stuff like "It took me till adulthood to realize that my parents were doing their best despite their their failings".

      24 votes
    5. What is something you have changed your mind about in the last year?

      It can be anything, big or small! I think it's valuable to be able to change your opinions and not cling to them out of loyalty, so let's celebrate our flexibility! I'll go first. I never used to...

      It can be anything, big or small! I think it's valuable to be able to change your opinions and not cling to them out of loyalty, so let's celebrate our flexibility! I'll go first.

      I never used to listen to audio versions of books that I haven't already read, because I felt safety in the fact that I already knew what was going to happen and didn't feel concern over missing a passage from distraction. But in the past few months I realised that I listen to podcasts constantly, and that audiobooks (of the right kind) can be thought of as longer form podcasts.
      So I've been jumping more into audiobooks for when I'm on long drives or commuting to university, and honestly it's great. I've been really enjoying Stephen Fry's Greek mythology series, and was finally able to finish "reading" the Hitchhiker's Guide series. As I have a bit of a mental block on actual reading that is unrelated to my masters, it's extremely cool to still be able to enjoy non-academic books without the feeling of guilt.

      20 votes
    6. Coming to terms with my coming to terms with post

      I've posted about my mental health issues on Tildes before, 1st post 2nd post. I reread my other 2 posts before writing this, and I definitely cringed a bit at them. I was not doing good and did...

      I've posted about my mental health issues on Tildes before, 1st post 2nd post.

      I reread my other 2 posts before writing this, and I definitely cringed a bit at them. I was not doing good and did not have a real sense of what to include and not. However, I really needed to feel seen and heard, so I also don't regret either of them. I didn't have anyone to open up to in my real life.

      I've gotten a much better understanding of what I went through as a kid over the past year. My sister physically and emotional abused me since before I can remember until she left for college, and my parents always ignored it. That's fucked up, and there's nothing wrong with me for being so damaged because of it.

      I moved to Portland, and it was definitely the right choose. I can't imagine living in the suburbs again. I went to my first concert, I got my first tattoo. I tried weed for the first time, and it really helps me gain emotional clarity. For first time in my life, I have some real hope for my future.

      As the final note, I'd like to thank all the nice people here again; you really did help a scared, lonely kid more then you think.

      16 votes
    7. no subject

      2020. That's when I met her. To some of my close friends it sounds silly to them when I tell them we loved each other. It's hard for some people to grasp the intensity that a long distance...

      2020. That's when I met her.

      To some of my close friends it sounds silly to them when I tell them we loved each other. It's hard for some people to grasp the intensity that a long distance relationship can have. But I don't have anything to prove to anyone - I truly did love her.

      Being with an ace, I thought, would make things more complicated as I am not asexual myself. But if anything it made things simpler. It made the long distance easier to deal with. It made it easier to be patient. Easier to deal with her not being in my life all the time, because when push came to shove, she was in my life when I needed her to be. In fact, she was the main reason I labeled myself as polyamorous this year. I realised that I didn't want to pretend we were just friends anymore. I cared for her too much for that.

      In so little time, she changed me into a better person. She taught me subtleties about love, sex, relationships but also about life in general. She helped me through mental struggles. She was my first call when we got my SO’s sister out of Kyiv this year. In fact, the day of the war, we talked for over six hours in a row.

      She was always, always positive no matter the challenge. A true constant. Saw the flip side nobody else could see. No matter how ill she would get, she'd always brush it off and get back on her feet. In the two years I knew her, she had never made me cry, and her messages would always put a smile on my face.
      Difficulty tends to make people stronger. She's had an incredibly difficult life, and was the toughest person I knew.

      None of those challenges defined her. She was not defined by her gender, illness, sexuality. She was defined by her constant, absolute positivity. And her unending love for Korea.

      She believed, as I do, that we're all one entity - the universe experiencing itself. That her role here had been to spread love and positivity. I hope everyone here will be lucky enough to meet someone like her, at some point in their life.

      She was 30. The world is worse without her in it.

      33 votes
    8. I forgot how to have fun

      Like the title says, over the past couple of years, I think I slowly forgot how to have fun. I'm looking for any advice anyone might have (whether you've gone through the same process or not) on...

      Like the title says, over the past couple of years, I think I slowly forgot how to have fun. I'm looking for any advice anyone might have (whether you've gone through the same process or not) on how to have a bit more fun.

      The past 4 years have been transformational and formative for me. At 21 I decided to switch majors and move out from my parents' house to a more urban city. I mentally (depression) and financially struggled for the first 3 years, going broke in my second year of my second chance at undergrad at one point, eating bowls of rice. I identified my shortcomings (lack of achievements and disposable income) and worked on them. In the 3rd year I worked part-time while also taking a TA position with a full engineering course load. Last summer I completed an internship while also working as an independent contractor for a startup and kept the contractor position while being a full-time student up until this year. I signed a full-time offer at a big company this January and have one course left to fully graduate. I'm also correcting exams and tests on a part time basis for a professor. All this to say, I suddenly had a significant boost in income the last couple of months, and even more free time, whereas I was living on ~20k/year previously, with no free time.

      This doesn't mean I don't enjoy or appreciate any fun activity I partake in. When I do go out with my friends I'm having a lot of fun and I'm breathing in every moment. I'm not depressed (not anymore), but I find myself having a more neutral mood outside of hangouts. What I'm struggling with is initiative with regards to fun. What can I do to have fun? I live in a cramped-up studio which I plan on moving out of in spring, but for now I don't have space for a TV let's say. I don't have a gaming pc, because up until now I couldn't afford one. I have a ps4 with a couple of old games, though sometimes I struggle to play them because of a lingering feeling of guilt from using it as a medium of procrastination in my teens. People mention lifestyle creep that follows an income boost, but I think my financial situation in the past has some lingering effect on me that's inhibiting even a small healthy dose of that. It's hard for me to justify upgrading some of my stuff, because they still work. Or buying some items I've wanted, because I'm doing fine without them. The isolation in a studio and the now gone uncertainty that was during the pandemic before I signed a full-time offer also played a role here I think.

      So, having read through all that, I welcome any ideas or suggestions on how to spice my weekly life a bit more. I want to shake off the fight-or-flight phase that I was in. What are some things that you do that you think I could adopt to have a bit more fun by myself?

      25 votes
    9. What’s a subculture you’re part of, and what insights can you give to outsiders about it?

      What’s a subculture you’re part of, and what insights can you give to outsiders about it? What’s important that people outside the subculture know? What are some common misconceptions they have?...

      What’s a subculture you’re part of, and what insights can you give to outsiders about it?

      What’s important that people outside the subculture know? What are some common misconceptions they have?

      How and why did you get involved with it? In what ways is it meaningful to you?

      20 votes
    10. Does anyone here have daydreams so intense that they can't think about anything else?

      I have been experiencing this for 3-4 years now. It used to be that I daydream only when I am bored lying in the bed but for the past year my daydreams have been becoming more and more involved in...

      I have been experiencing this for 3-4 years now. It used to be that I daydream only when I am bored lying in the bed but for the past year my daydreams have been becoming more and more involved in my life. I can't think of myself as anything but my character in my dreams. It lasts for hours in a day and is sometimes my only source of joy. I sometimes am so out of it that an hour has passed of me dreaming and I don't remember what I was doing originally. I honestly don't really feel comfortable in my real body either. I want to live as the person I see in my daydreams. Is there anyone who experiences this or has recovered from it? I am honestly really scared...

      11 votes
    11. Pets!

      In light of our 4th anniversary here, I believe it is time for another thread on those beloved furry/scaly/feathered friends we all know and are beholden to. So fellow Tilderinos, share your pets!...

      In light of our 4th anniversary here, I believe it is time for another thread on those beloved furry/scaly/feathered friends we all know and are beholden to.

      So fellow Tilderinos, share your pets! Photos! Stories! Antics! Attitudes! How they've changed your life! How you've changed theirs!

      Been a minute (couple of years), but we have done this before, older posts are below:

      https://tild.es/rtx
      https://tild.es/r2p
      https://tild.es/9xn
      https://tild.es/1gw

      14 votes
    12. Has anyone here actually acted on their escapist fantasies?

      I would love to hear stories of all the tilderinoes here who somehow acted on their impulses to somehow upend their lives, that could be in small or big ways -- moving to another country, changing...

      I would love to hear stories of all the tilderinoes here who somehow acted on their impulses to somehow upend their lives, that could be in small or big ways -- moving to another country, changing careers, changing their name, anything else.

      I very often think about how someday I'll finally take hold of my life and suddenly start doing all the things I'd like to if I do some "big thing", whatever that currently is (changing my name, moving abroad...). So I was wondering if it is at all realistic, if anyone here actually has experience with something similar and if it actually helped to improve their life.
      I always really enjoy reading advice people give here, even though I sadly do not ever actually really use it. Thank you.

      20 votes
    13. What do you love?

      I'm more than pleasantly buzzed right now so apologies ahead of time, but y'all need to know that my husband is a delight. It's been over 10 years, and we're still together, still happy, and still...

      I'm more than pleasantly buzzed right now so apologies ahead of time, but y'all need to know that my husband is a delight. It's been over 10 years, and we're still together, still happy, and still very much in love. He's awesome.

      What do you love?

      25 votes
    14. What’s something about you that people don’t often believe is true?

      (If there’s a better way to word this question, feel free to edit my title.) I’m interested in aspects of your self-disclosure that others are often surprised by or that they disregard as...

      (If there’s a better way to word this question, feel free to edit my title.) I’m interested in aspects of your self-disclosure that others are often surprised by or that they disregard as false/overblown/fabricated.

      It can be anything, big or small. What is it and what is it like to have people disregard it so regularly?

      19 votes
    15. I don't think time helps

      I've been rewatching Ozark. The third season features a bipolar character, and his storyline has been hitting me hard. There is an emphasis on "getting better". Staying somewhere and getting...

      I've been rewatching Ozark. The third season features a bipolar character, and his storyline has been hitting me hard.
      There is an emphasis on "getting better". Staying somewhere and getting better. Giving things time.
      It's been making me wonder if time really makes things better.

      Time heals wounds, but it doesn't fix broken things. It helps with grief. It helps forget the things that make it worse.

      Twelve years ago, things got bad enough in my life that I attempted suicide. I had no psychological safety nets at the time. No mental security. What saved me at the time was a mix of luck, a couple of smart decisions on my part, and the good will of some people I barely knew.

      I have since spent a lot of time creating and nurturing safety nets to make sure this never happens again. A variety of social, technological and mental mechanisms to stop me at every step, should things ever get this bad again.

      And now, I'm... alive. Things got bad this last month. Really bad. Worse than twelve years ago. Worse than they've ever been. But I'm alive. My safety nets worked. I wouldn't be writing this without them.

      I'm getting the feeling that I'm going to carry this burden for the rest of my life. Time didn't fix shit. I just got better at defending myself since.

      27 votes
    16. What's on your mind?

      My time going back to traditional forums has made me realize that Tildes is missing a general lounge kind of space. This group comes the closest, but even the threads here are focused in a way...

      My time going back to traditional forums has made me realize that Tildes is missing a general lounge kind of space. This group comes the closest, but even the threads here are focused in a way that feels a bit different.

      So here I only ask: what's on your mind?

      21 votes
    17. Dream journal thread

      I don't know about you, but I love reading about other people's dreams and occasionally sharing my own. Let this be a place to share your dreams, whether they're super mundane or absolutely wild....

      I don't know about you, but I love reading about other people's dreams and occasionally sharing my own.

      Let this be a place to share your dreams, whether they're super mundane or absolutely wild. Reply any time you feel like sharing to your last comment, so we have a thread where each top level comment is a different individual.

      13 votes
    18. Six months after lifelong depression

      I've been thinking of writing a follow-up to my post about my now on only mostly lifelong depression. And surprise, this is that post. :) Its mostly stream of consciousness style, but I did try...

      I've been thinking of writing a follow-up to my post about my now on only mostly lifelong depression. And surprise, this is that post. :) Its mostly stream of consciousness style, but I did try and edit it a bit.

      I've realized that I have never had a friend before. I've cared about people, but the trust required to consider someone a friend was something I wasn't capable of. I only realized a few months back that trust is an emotion; it was always a rather cold calculus for me. I would think something to the effect of 'While I trust them not to kill me or physically hurt me...'. I would think a similar thing about best friends, 'Well they are literally my best(think closest) friend'. People have cared for me, but since I couldn't reciprocate, I can't call that a friendship.

      It does explain a lot of things that didn't make sense to me before. Everyone I knew always acted like I hated being around them, and in a sense, they were right. I hated being around people because I couldn't actually connect with them. It was like watching people feast while you are starving. I had to impotently attempt to form connections that were impossible for me, while the other person blissfully formed that connection without even thinking about it.
      I still have issues trusting people, but I have gotten massively better in this regard. There are a few people I consider casual friends now, but I cannot say I have a close friend.

      I also have a fair bit of anger towards people who called themselves my friends. I cannot remember a point when I felt like any of them seriously tried to help me. And its not like I didn't have people who stated they loved me, I've had a few, but that I never felt that love breathed into actions. I imagine I will always wonder if it was just because it was too hidden or if no one ever really tried. I have also realized that I don't think anyone ever realized how bad off I was. To be fair, I couldn't have told you how bad off I was then either, but I have the excuse of not knowing what happiness was.

      I've also realized how little people who have not experienced something like lifelong depression understand about it. I've discussed it with a few people, and even the one's who have been depressed and who have had serious issues, do not understand. In particular, a lot of people will use the phrase 'Making up for lost time' and do not understand how incorrect it is. There is no making up for the lost time; I will have always lived roughly a third of my life devoid of happiness and meaning. Nothing will change that, and nothing could ever remove the weight of that burden. Even if I live my best possible life from now own, it won't make my past self happy. Also of course I want to live my best possible life, but that's probably the most universal desire in existence. And my point isn't to insult the people who use this phrase, but to offer a particular example of what I mean by not understanding.

      This type of comment also implies suffering from being in a bad situation, not suffering from being in a void. (Though I imagine the vast majority of people do not understand the difference) What most people call suffering is being in the dark, a metaphorical, or sometimes literal, punch to the face; something clearly delineated and demarcated. Some moment of shadow within a wider context of light; even if the shadow greatly outweighs the light, there is still both light and shadow. The suffering of the void is a separation from even the dimension of light/dark itself. And it is a hungry void, it consumes everything and turns it into the Same. Even people who have experienced the suffering of being in a void for a time have memories of light/dark as a reminder of what they are looking for. I do want to be explicit here, I don't think suffering is useful or valuable. Suffering doesn't make you strong or interesting, it just fucking sucks. Nothing pisses me off more then when people dick measure with how bad their life has been. I do kinda feel like an angsty teen talking about this, but it is something I have feel so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

      I have also been steadily seeing how fucked up some things in my past were. For example, as a 7 year-old I had to learn how to careful couch all my words to avoid pushing my mother to suicide. I realized that not feeling physically safe anywhere is a problem.

      I got a job working at a local restaurant. Its a mediocre job, but I wanted a zero-stress job and it provided that. I have a few coworkers I consider friends, but the one I am closest to just left which is a bummer. I do also feel like I am down with this period of my life, and I just want to move on right now but I still need to wait a bit.

      I am moving to Portland, OR in February. Its definitely the next step I need to take, but its obviously still scary.

      I have been working on some coding side-projects that I have enjoyed. One is a weather alert that only sends me alerts if X condition is met, so if the temperature drops 20 degrees or a blizzard is coming type of thing. I have the core logic working, but I am still working on the notification method. I am also working on a stenography theory that attempts to use semantic relationships instead of phonetics as the base dimension. Its still really, really early, but its in that fun, highly theoretical stage.

      I have realized that I am not actually ugly, but you know a little too overwhelmed to recognize normal people's interest. I was also surprised how enjoyable it is to wear clothes that look good on you. Unfortunately, there is no one I am particularly interested in right now, but at least I would be able to act if I met someone. I also still have no idea how to date; like do you just approach someone and ask them? Is that it?

      This post is much longer then I was originally thinking, so if you read through to the end, thanks.

      12 votes
    19. Oglers, repeated glancers, gazers - Stories and opinions

      This could definitely just be in my head, but I HATE it when people look at me for extended periods of time or repeatedly (when I'm not talking, minding my own business, doing errands, working...

      This could definitely just be in my head, but I HATE it when people look at me for extended periods of time or repeatedly (when I'm not talking, minding my own business, doing errands, working out, etc.). I know it's related to trauma that I'm learning to ignore/ not be reactive to. The feelings it brings up in me is just invasive. I find it happens a lot on job sites and when working out, I just get this feeling that I'm being visually undressed or being fantasized about, like ew, stop. I can tell the difference between day dreamers (glossy eyed) and active lookers. Again, I've learned to ignore it these days, I can't control other people, only myself. I can only vocalize to stop looking at me or focus on your work excavator operator, the grounds down there...

      Anyway, enough about me, what about you?

      19 votes
    20. What were your personal highlights for this year?

      Rounding out my year in review posts with something not media focused: what were your personal highlights for 2021? This can be anything that was great for you: a success, a milestone, an...

      Rounding out my year in review posts with something not media focused: what were your personal highlights for 2021? This can be anything that was great for you: a success, a milestone, an achievement, a fond memory, a new love, etc. What were the best things that you did or that happened to you this past year?

      I know this was undoubtedly a difficult year for many of us, but I do think there's worth in looking back and panning the past year for gold, even if it's hard to come by.

      15 votes
    21. What’s your dream career?

      “Dream” as in something you’d love to do as a job, with no consideration for its feasibility whatsoever. You don’t have to worry about pay, location, requirements, trainings/skill development,...

      “Dream” as in something you’d love to do as a job, with no consideration for its feasibility whatsoever. You don’t have to worry about pay, location, requirements, trainings/skill development, etc.

      If you could choose the work that you do without having to worry about everything else tied into that decision, what would you do, and why?

      20 votes
    22. In what good ways are you like your parents?

      It's kind of a cliché to say we don't wanna be like your parents, but some parents are awesome and we have good reason to be like them. In which ways being like your parent(s) made you a better...

      It's kind of a cliché to say we don't wanna be like your parents, but some parents are awesome and we have good reason to be like them. In which ways being like your parent(s) made you a better person?

      16 votes
    23. I feel dreadful of my future, but are my feelings valid?

      So I just recently graduated university this year and am 21 years old. I live with my parents and am able to make good money by selling stuff on eBay, and I'm also a musician. I just seem so...

      So I just recently graduated university this year and am 21 years old. I live with my parents and am able to make good money by selling stuff on eBay, and I'm also a musician. I just seem so confused on what I truly want out of life. The idea of working a 9-5 job scares me so bad because its like I can already see what the next 40 years of my life will be. Wake up every morning, go to work, pretend to like my coworkers even if they piss me off, eagerly wait until my shift is over, waiting for Friday to come, and then during the weekend dread waking up on Monday morning. Rinse and repeat, while possibly having a family of my own along the way. Then I retire, possibly move into an old folks home, then die. I thought I wanted security by just getting a good job, moving into the suburbs, and living a stable and peaceful life, but now that I'm actually an adult that life sounds monotonous and boring and it honestly scares me.

      However, I can't tell if this is a valid way to feel, or if this is just me being "childish" or lazy. I thought my adult life would be so straightforward and that I should just go the safe route like everyone else says to do but I feel like I'm gonna be so depressed in the coming years because I'm not gonna truly enjoy my life anymore. I like what I do now because I don't a set schedule and I find it fun searching for things to sell and making a couple of dollars here and there off my songs, but I don't know if I can expand those two things enough that I can live off both of those things while having enough money to move out on my own. I thought I wanted to work in tech and i have a degree in a tech field (Informatics with a concentration in Data Analytics) but even then I still don't know if I like it enough to enjoy a job, even though I do truly love technology. Its like my heart is telling me that I kinda need "chaos" or instability in a sense that I want to do something new everyday to feel fulfilled and have fun, but then my rational mind tells me to just work at a decent job where I know I'll be doing the same thing everyday and live a quiet life. I don't know, I guess I'm just lost. Do you think I'm just acting like a kid, or do some of you feel the same way?

      15 votes
    24. What's something about yourself that you had to face?

      We tell our self stories of who we are to build a narrative, motivate us, make us feel good, etc. What's something you learned about yourself that didn't sit well with you once you realized it?...

      We tell our self stories of who we are to build a narrative, motivate us, make us feel good, etc. What's something you learned about yourself that didn't sit well with you once you realized it? How'd you react to the feeling/behavior?

      I'm not sure if this is my imposter syndrome/anxiety speaking, but I've had to face some not nice things about myself that I personally think I have strong data for. I don't think it's weak to admit an insecurity or flaw. I have flaws, I'm allowed to vocalize them. I think, maybe, I can also vocalize how in over my head I am to try and "fix" or improve it. I think facing my own music is a way I can take my behaviors into consideration when I approach specific situations.

      For example, I'm a pot head, I know I have trouble with my marijuana usage/depend on it to get out of my low moods; so, when I'm ready to quit or slow down, maybe it isn't best to drive that route home where that dispensary is/ try to avoid looking at that billboard (among many other things I can do to get to the root cause of the low moods).

      I have other flaws that are related and unrelated. What I'm saying is that I know myself, I'm not invincible just because I'm aware of my short-comings. I try my best to consider my short-comings while approaching specific situations. But they are short-comings nonetheless; something that will always need to be considered, maybe to varying degrees depending on my experience with it.

      25 votes
    25. What are you procrastinating on today?

      Good morning/evening tildes. What are you procrastinating on today? What's the thing you keep meaning to do but can't find the time to because, let's be real, you'd rather do something else and...

      Good morning/evening tildes. What are you procrastinating on today?

      What's the thing you keep meaning to do but can't find the time to because, let's be real, you'd rather do something else and it's not important anyway?

      15 votes
    26. I got asked out today

      So I just got asked out by this girl that I had asked out on a whim, I don't know how long ago, maybe 6 months ago? Time's blurry now-a-days; I had totally forgotten about her. She seems really...

      So I just got asked out by this girl that I had asked out on a whim, I don't know how long ago, maybe 6 months ago? Time's blurry now-a-days; I had totally forgotten about her. She seems really nice, she's attractive, but more importantly she remembered me. She remembered I had asked her out and today I bumped into her and she told me she was single now and that she'd be interested in going on a date. We exchanged numbers and all that jazz and uh here I am. I should be over the moon.

      But I'm not. I'm at best meh, and more realistically depressed. This is the best thing that's happened in my life in quite a long time, and I can't find it in myself to be happy for myself. My only other post on here is about my bipolar, and I'm going through a rough patch right now, but something like this could help bring me up a little bit. Why can't I be happy? I've been in a funk for the last week, I haven't been able to concentrate, I've been sleepy, everything is monotone. I feel like I'm navigating life in a wobbly blob of grey jello: everything is out of focus and I'm always a little distanced, slow motion, never sure what's going to trip me up.

      I'm worried I'm not in a good place to be getting into a relationship right now, but this is just about a once a year opportunity it seems so I feel like I need to take advantage of it. Relationships take effort but I can't make the effort to take care of myself some days. It's pretty much a no-win. I can either not pursue this and lose, or go for it and probably fuck it up because I don't even know how to hold down a healthy relationship.

      I'm sort of decided to go for it, so how long do you all think I should wait before texting her? I always hear that this is super critical, to not sound to needy but not sound uncaring. Like I said, I don't seem to know shit about relationships.

      26 votes
    27. I'm miserable

      Sorry if this comes out as a stream of possibly unrelated thoughts. I hope it makes sense anyway. If it doesn’t, or does it poorly, then I’m probably already insane. I’ve been lying to everyone...

      Sorry if this comes out as a stream of possibly unrelated thoughts. I hope it makes sense anyway. If it doesn’t, or does it poorly, then I’m probably already insane.

      I’ve been lying to everyone about my situation with regard to university. I didn’t use to be a blatant liar like I am now, but things have gone out of control. I think the last time I actually showed up for an exam was more than a year ago, maybe two. Since then, I’ve been faking going to exams, only to tell my parents and friends I had failed later.

      Despite being in my twenties I’m acting like a child who doesn’t want to go to school, or doesn’t want to take responsibilities in general. There was a time when I genuinely liked what I’m studying at university, but I don’t know if it still holds true now. It’s been a long time since my first year at university and I feel like I’ve lost direction (I should have graduated years ago). Actually, I don’t know what I like anymore, because I don’t have strong opinions on anything. I’m in a loop of denial of my own situation and pleasure-seeking behavior (doom-scrolling, porn, etc.).

      I’ve been thinking about suicide for years, but the fact that I don’t act on it makes me think I’m yet another attention seeking person who’s just pretending to be sick in order to avoid responsibilities. It’s difficult to understand what’s truly going on in my head. It’s very possible I’m lying to myself. Suicide is scary, especially because I have no access to methods that are simultaneously quick, painless and lethal. Though it’s possible that I didn’t research enough. Sometimes I think that If I had a gun, I would have already killed myself. The reality is that survival instinct is very strong, and so is the suffering of those left behind.

      I often think about life as a big scam: you don’t ask to be born, someone else decides that for you. But what if I realize I don’t want to live any more later in life? I’m literally stuck here because killing myself would make other people suffer. Ironically, it would make the very same people who put me here suffer. It’s absurd that suicide is regarded as selfish, when the only selfish act I see here is giving birth to someone who may not want to live. You grow up surrounded by love and stuff to ease your journey into adulthood, only to realize life’s been a joke all along.

      Maybe I’m just an undisciplined whiner: I’m unable to stop eating junk food, procrastinating, or watching (problematic) porn, among other things. There are short virtuously-lived periods during which I sleep and eat well, exercise and read regularly, interrupted by long, dark times during which I’m the worst, letting go of everything. Then there’s a whole bunch of regrets that keep cropping up in my mind (and which happens to increase over time), causing me distress in totally unrelated situations, for example when trying to focus on studying.

      I should also mention that I feel like I’m losing my sense of morality lately. Since I started blatantly lying about my situation it seems like a line has been crossed, and the more I go on with life, the more moral lines get crossed. I also have the feeling that there’s no going back from this, similar to the mantra “once an addict, always an addict”, or the opening of Pandora’s box, so to speak. I feel stupid trying to convey some meaning with such poor examples, but I hope you get it. To be really honest, I’ve never been that virtuous, since I have a fair record of bad things I regret having done, especially in my high school years. It’s possible that I’m just noticing it more now.

      Yeah, I know: I should see a therapist (am doing), practice meditation (kinda did, want to retry that), yada yada yada.

      Again, maybe I’m just whining. After all, I don’t live in a poor third world country. I don’t have any chronic disease (that I know of). I didn’t have a miserable childhood. I consider myself privileged, if you ask me. Maybe I am the result of contemporary society: if I were a peasant in the Middle Ages, I wouldn’t even have the time to dwell on such things. Granted, I would be unhappy in other (probably worse) ways.

      Maybe it’s just that being a loser is easier.

      Wish you happiness.

      22 votes
    28. What place/places (physical, online, personal) did you leave later than you should have?

      Someday when I leave for good, I'll very likely say r/politicalcompassmemes. The place has always had a right-wing presence but at some point pretty long ago it just became the dominant POV and...

      Someday when I leave for good, I'll very likely say r/politicalcompassmemes. The place has always had a right-wing presence but at some point pretty long ago it just became the dominant POV and the place is now solidly a no-go for minorities and 95+% of leftists unless they were turned into a term of 'endearment' on 4chan first like how 4chan users call themselves autists and whatever. The place is also pretty bad at sourcing the articles it posts about purported leftists doing ridiculous things. I have mostly looked at the place from the POV of "rightwingers saying stuff" for quite some time now, but I haven't gotten around for leaving for good because occasionally there's a moderately critical post of the sub and that I am accustomed to the jargon used more often there that's less commonly used elsewhere.

      19 votes
    29. If you've ever wore braces or any similar mouth/teeth focused apparel, what has your experience been like?

      My experience has mostly been: "It's fine, your teeth sometimes feel weird but that's it" "It's stabbing my cheek a little" "It's destroying my cheek and it has taken my appetite away" (Top one is...

      My experience has mostly been:

      "It's fine, your teeth sometimes feel weird but that's it"

      "It's stabbing my cheek a little"

      "It's destroying my cheek and it has taken my appetite away"

      (Top one is by far the most frequent, haven't felt bottom one in months.)

      The initial recommendations made are relatively strict but they're not meant to be followed until the apparel is off, only until the 'glue' is solidified. First time I have flossed regularly, since you can't really brush the braces, although I still brush the stuff above the braces since I find anything that ends up on that area hard to reach by flossing. Occasionally the metal wire in the middle can often escape, which is how it can stab your cheek.

      I also use/have also used palatal expanders, mine looking like this and this for bottom & top respectively. Generally speaking, if you grit your teeth a lot, the top expander will probably not last very long, or at least mine didn't. In a lot of occasions the top expander has to be glued to not just fall off. In these cases, eating can often become very frustrating and it will probably be guaranteed to take longer than it used to.

      The bottom one is much safer from your mouth, although in my experience it can often pop out of the lower cavity while being used. You always take it off before eating something or drinking something other than water and only put it back in after brushing your teeth. It doesn't take up too much of the space your tongue occupies.

      14 votes
    30. Adoption isn't happily ever after

      This will probably make some people uncomfortable and even angry, but it needs to be said. Adoption isn't happily ever after. The media loves to portray it that way, especially for foster kids....

      This will probably make some people uncomfortable and even angry, but it needs to be said.

      Adoption isn't happily ever after.

      The media loves to portray it that way, especially for foster kids. Everyone loves the fairly tale story about the poor abused kids that get rescued by the selfless hero foster parents who then adopt them and everything is all good after that. I mean, the kids now have loving parents and a stable home. That's all they need right?

      People love a happy ending. But fairy tales aren’t real and life isn’t that simple. Adoption is messy, and I don't mean the legal process, I mean the actual adoption itself. Adoptive parents aren't selfless heroes, they are regular flawed people just like everyone else, they just happened to choose to adopt.

      These kids have been through bad things that are beyond the imagination of most people who don't have experience with the kids themselves. I hear it all the time. People say "They just need a good loving home". Loving and stable homes are great, but they don't make those bad things go away. Even if the adoptive parents were perfect (which they definitely aren't) these kids will be dealing with their trauma for the rest of their lives.

      And for these kids trauma isn't simple like so many people assume it is. It isn't just bad dreams and sadness. It's rage. It’s frequent meltdowns over the smallest things. Sometimes it’s hurting pets, or even other kids. Sometimes it's trying to burn the house down. Other times it’s stealing from kids at school. Sometimes it’s grade schoolers finding ways to look at porn. Sometimes it’s trying to molest other kids. This doesn’t describe all kids from foster care. It’s not meant to scare you. It’s meant to show you that there’s more than what you see on the outside.

      For these kids meltdowns have a completely different meaning than for most other kids. A meltdown isn't crying and getting angry for 10 or 15 minutes. It can be hours. Hours of true screaming. Hours of punching doors and walls. Or punching us. Or hurting themselves. Total non-compliance. It's a total inability for them to calm down at all. Sometimes we have to physically restrain them for safety reasons. Usually, they have to physically exhaust themselves before they finally begin to come down.

      And it's not their fault.

      And we parents aren't perfect either. Sometimes we scream back at them. Sometimes we escalate the meltdown even more. Sometimes we restrain when it's not necessary. Sometimes we just layer on consequence after consequence, not because it's helping, but because we are mad and caught in a power struggle.

      We take them to doctor appointments. We adjust meds. We get to counseling every week. We literally pull them out of public school because they can't function there. We are usually exhausted. We are often hopeless. We fear they will never have a normal childhood. We fear that they won't have a good life as adults.

      We can never replace their birth parents. They will always miss them, no matter how bad the abuse was. They will mourn what could have been. They will mourn what should have been.

      They point that hurt and anger at their adoptive parents. They say they hate us. They say they will kill us.

      We aren't a fairy tale family. We aren't some success story about the power of love.

      We were the safest option in a bad situation.

      We will always love them as our kids. We will always strive to be there for them, to support them, to give them what they need to have whatever healing is possible.

      For them though this will never be as good as having birth parents that were safe and loving in the first place. This will never compare with what should have been.

      34 votes
    31. Tinnitus is making me crazy

      Everything indicates that the continuous tinnitus I've had for the past 20 years cannot be cured. Up until very recently, I was able to live relatively well with it. White noise was only required...

      Everything indicates that the continuous tinnitus I've had for the past 20 years cannot be cured. Up until very recently, I was able to live relatively well with it. White noise was only required when things got too quiet and before going to sleep. In the last month or so, my tinnitus got much worse. It is hard to quantify this, but it went from a nuisance, something I'm reminded of every once in a while, to an overwhelming presence.

      I now listen to white noise for hours several times a day, sometimes even while watching TV. I try to avoid this, but the feeling of despair is sometimes inescapable. I will make a doctor's appointment tomorrow, but I gotta be honest, I'm not very hopeful.

      A Brazilian celebrity said his tinnitus went way when he stopped eating sugar, so I'm controlling my sugar intake. I sometimes wonder if I could just remove the freaking ear canal altogether, and become half deaf. But then I would be just one ear way from becoming completely deaf. My grandpa was deaf in one ear, and all his brothers were completely deaf. So genetics is against me. Oh, well...

      18 votes
    32. What helps keep you off social media?

      Over the past couple years I've transitioned from spending far too much time on Reddit, to spending not as much but still too much time on Tildes instead, to spending much less time on Tildes and...

      Over the past couple years I've transitioned from spending far too much time on Reddit, to spending not as much but still too much time on Tildes instead, to spending much less time on Tildes and a reasonable amount of time reading stuff from https://longform.org/ and https://www.theflipside.io/ .

      I've found that these two sites (well, a site and an email subscription) respect my time, don't try to monopolize my focus, and provide decently nuanced info rather than outrage-inducing clickbait. They also don't have comments, which means I never get that feeling of needing to correct random internet users and get drawn into their nonsense.

      I'm wondering if there are others internet spaces that people find similarly useful in curbing their social media consumption.

      And more generally, I'm wondering what other, non-internet things help keep people off social media.

      As an example of the latter, lately I've been trying to get into the habit of going to the park after work and eating dinner there while reading a book instead of scrolling through Tildes comments or watching mindless youtube videos while I eat.

      20 votes
    33. To all the shrinks I've known before

      Is this what therapy looks like for other people? I can't tell you how often I've come to the edge of sharing the following experiences--destructive, traumatic, bizarre: all the opposites of what...

      Is this what therapy looks like for other people?

      I can't tell you how often I've come to the edge of sharing the following experiences--destructive, traumatic, bizarre: all the opposites of what therapy is supposed to be. For months after the latest incident, I've needed to tell someone. I've struggled so hard with life and with putting things into writing, typing and erasing H-E-L- into the title field on Tildes over and over. Where do you go when therapists are the problem? Then, this morning, I woke up with this idea of squeezing the facts into a lightly comedic lyric. Try as I might, I guess I can't deny my métier. (I can clarify what gets lost in the parody.)

      Sing along if you know the tune and have a high tolerance for aural ipecac from the 1980s.

      To all the shrinks I’ve known before,
      I was ten and your help I begged for.
      You said, “Those aren’t real issues,
      Please spare some of my tissues.”
      You were a shrink I’ve known before.
      To all the shrinks who somewhat tried,
      Who thumbed their whiskers as I cried,
      One had a light-bar toy
      And called me a scared boy.
      He was a shrink I’ve known before.

      The winds of fashion keep on blowing,
      With each conference you attend.
      The only constant is me going.
      What won’t I do for friends!

      To the shrink who said, “talk speedier,”
      Then stalked my social media,
      You came to session with the flu,
      And so I got it too.
      Now you're a shrink I’ve known before.
      One hid his grins with coffee mugs,
      While second-guessing my psych drugs.
      He phoned the very dude
      With whom I had a feud,
      Now he’s just a shrink I’ve known before.

      The pandemic brought us video,
      Any doctor can be seen!
      But it’s the same as ab initio,
      Behind or just off screen.

      To the one who should have HIPAA claims,
      Whose spouse listened outside the frame,
      I heard him eating lunch,
      But you dismissed my hunch,
      Now you’re a shrink I’ve known before.
      To all the shrinks I’ve known before,
      Who apparently could not close doors,
      You broke my fragile trust,
      So say goodbye I must,
      To all the shrinks I’ve known before.

      13 votes
    34. Coming to terms with a lifetime of depression

      I am just coming out of a lifetime of depression. I am 24 now, and I have no memories of an idyllic childhood, carefree adolescence or an exciting college life. Sure there were moments I enjoyed...

      I am just coming out of a lifetime of depression. I am 24 now, and I have no memories of an idyllic childhood, carefree adolescence or an exciting college life. Sure there were moments I enjoyed more than others, but all were consumed by that all encompassing grey void. The one that makes everything have a dreary sameness. The one that steals every good thing and every bad thing, and just makes them both nothing

      I have been crawling out of my depression for the last 6 years. I made small steps through college, but due to a horrible junior year, I fell back a lot in my senior year and the year after that. I worked a horrible job as a phone support technician. However quitting that job was my first step of healing, so that was one good thing I got out of it. I have been unemployed for the last year and a half, which has been the most valuable period in my life. I could do nothing but look into my own pain, observe my own wounds. It fucking sucked. But sometimes the only way is through.

      Being depressed all my life, I haven't really done anything. I am a virgin and I've never been in a romantic relationship; I still feel a bit ashamed and uncomfortable with this. I've only ever had a few friends, though me having any is a bit of surprise. I've never focused on something, worked on it day-in-day. Thinking of all the opportunities I've never had for friends, for quiet moments, for the nervous butterflies of just meeting someone you like, fills me with an overwhelming sense of anguish. It hurts so much to imagine all the possibilities that I could have had if I had escaped sooner. But dwelling on it doesn't help me at all, so I try and not think about it too much.

      Now that I am not being crushed by depression, I am filled with so many conflicting emotions. I am impatient because now that I can experience some of life, I want it all now. I am terrified because I am, for all intents and purposes, a new person who has no experience in anything. I am excited because I have so many first times for so many different things. I am scared shit less because I am unemployed and I don't have a clear path to finding work. I am constantly stressed that everything will come crashing back down around me, and I will fall back into depression. I am happy because I am going to see my best friend soon, for the first time I am on this side.

      I am writing this because I want to say it to people who know nothing about me. I want other people to acknowledge my pain. Its a bit selfish, I know, but I am okay with that. So if you read through all of this, thank you

      And if you are going through depression or even just hard times, please feel free to message me. And no you won't be bothering me, no I dont have better things to do, no I won't judge you.

      27 votes
    35. How do you actually meditate?

      So, for this thread, I'm specifically not asking for detailed explanations about the spiritual or philosophical aspect that goes behind your motivations to meditate. A brief explanation is almost...

      So, for this thread, I'm specifically not asking for detailed explanations about the spiritual or philosophical aspect that goes behind your motivations to meditate. A brief explanation is almost certainly required, though.

      Mostly, I wish to know practical things, details that often go unsaid, like:

      • What kind of meditation do you practice?
        • How can I Google it?
      • Where and when do you meditate, and why?
      • Do you do it alone?
      • How do you prepare for meditation?
      • What you do afterwards?
      • How frequently do you meditate, and for how long?
      • If you sit at all, in what position do you sit?
        • Where do you sit? The ground, a mat, a cushion, a chair, your bed?
      • Do you keep your eyes closed or open?
      • Do you concentrate on your breathing?
      • Do you breath through your mouth or nose?
      • Do you count your breaths or visualize them in any way?
      • Is there any particular breathing technique involved?
      • Do you use any aid such as noise generators, soundscapes, timers, meditation apps, etc?
      • Do you push thoughts away?
      • Do you concentrate on any object, physical or otherwise?
        • statues, amulets, images, mental images, mantras, etc.
      • What do you do if...
        • your legs go numb?
        • there's a fly on your nose?
        • there's mucus on your mouth or throat?
        • you must cough or sneeze?
        • you're itchy all over?
      14 votes
    36. Does anyone else feel like they don’t know how to talk to people anymore?

      I never considered myself an introvert or shy. I’ve always been comfortable talking with strangers, whether that was in my college class or just sparking up a conversation with someone next to me...

      I never considered myself an introvert or shy. I’ve always been comfortable talking with strangers, whether that was in my college class or just sparking up a conversation with someone next to me in line.

      I haven’t talked to a stranger irl since the pandemic started and I’m running scenarios in my brain about how I would talk to someone when I just met them. And every situation I’m going through I’m being awkward and uncomfortable.

      I can talk to my family and my cousins, who are essentially my only friends, just fine but that’s different since there’s already an established way of communication there.

      I just feel like I’m gonna be so rusty at talking to people, which is a shame because I’ve spent years learning how to talk to strangers in a certain way to make them comfortable and to very easily have a conversation. And I feel like I lost all of that now.

      25 votes
    37. Have you ever met a psychopath?

      For the past month, I have been reading "The Wisdom of Psychopaths" by Kevin Dutton which delves into traits, behaviors, and motivations behind psychopaths. This book isn't just about serial...

      For the past month, I have been reading "The Wisdom of Psychopaths" by Kevin Dutton which delves into traits, behaviors, and motivations behind psychopaths. This book isn't just about serial killers but rather also the "successful" functional psychopaths such as stockbrokers, politicians, and business executives. You can read an excerpt from the book here if interested. A few interesting takeaways that I have had from the book so far are the innate cues that some people have on picking up on psychopathic cues. This is like speaking to someone and getting the heebie-jeebies from them for some reason. Apparently, women are more perceptive to this than men.

      So, I'm curious if you have ever met a person that gave off that vibe, and what in particular gave you that vibe?

      18 votes
    38. How do you tend to your digital selves?

      How do you tend to your digital selves? Do you create archives for your blogs/journals/social-media-interactions? How meticulously do you organize your pictures? How protectful are you of your...

      How do you tend to your digital selves? Do you create archives for your blogs/journals/social-media-interactions? How meticulously do you organize your pictures? How protectful are you of your backups? Have you thought about where it'd all end up after you've died?

      16 votes