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People with a very good memory: does that make it harder to forgive?
With a few exceptions, I have a remarkably bad memory (probably in part due to ADHD). When I have a fight or heated argument I usually remember the tone and gravity of the situation but the actual words that were said are completely forgotten in a short period. With time the entire content of the discussion fades away.
I have the impression this makes it easier for me to forgive people and forget bad events. The negative impressions don't have a lot memory to hold onto. Is the inverse also true? Does a good memory make it harder to forgive?
Huh... Interesting question! I have a very good memory, I think — I often remember conversations that the other participant has forgotten. I don't think that this actually makes it harder for me to forgive, though. Even though I have a memory of a given event, the emotional response still fades and dulls over time, and in retrospect it's usually much easier to see the other person's perspective and find common ground.
You sound like a swell person!
♥ Well, thanks!
You know it’s interesting because I can also do this, and it’s not difficult for me to put myself in the other person’s shoes, but I still have a hard time forgiving lol
Hahaha well, I think ultimately that's pretty normal, too. Forgiveness is ultimately an act of trust — it's a commitment to be vulnerable again to someone who may have harmed you while you were vulnerable in the past. Not everyone is going to have the same threshold for reinstating that trust!
I agree with this. When the subjective emotional response fades, objective reflection takes its place. I find that it actually tends to deepen my bond with the other person, because considering why they behaved the way they did allows me to understand them and where they're currently at in life much better.
Yeah, that seems right to me! I think that, for me at least, empathy is often a conscious practice. It's something that I work on regularly, and sometimes requires some effort.
Just wanted to say, I have the same "problem". I have no idea if I have ADHD, but I have an awful memory and I find it extremely difficult to hold a grudge.
It's probably beneficial to my relationship with my wife, because I just cannot remember any grievances.
I remember a lot of stuff from over 10 years ago and also my childhood. I remember events better than a lot of the people that also experienced that. I can remember specific phrases and where people placed emphasis on certain words. Obviously, memory isn’t perfect and the more you recall the more that memory changes. But I’d like to think I’m able to remember better than most.
I hold grudges. There’s still stuff from 2017 that I’m mad about. That doesn’t mean I’m seething every moment of every day about everything, but when I suddenly remember it gets me mad. It’s a cliche but when you bring up something your parent did to them they’ll respond with “I didn’t do that.” Which is how all these interactions go for me. It also sucks because there’s many times where I’ve predicted something happening based on what someone is doing, that thing happens, but no one remembers that I predicted the outcome. So it doesn’t matter how many times I’ve been right the slate is wiped clean every time and they ignore any advice I give.
Anyways, I think that’s more of a matter of personality. I think one can be able to remember everything and be forgiving, if it’s part of their nature or even a conscious effort on their part. I’ve never been a forgiving person, I don’t know why that is, but it is difficult for me to forgive and forget.
You sound similar to me, but I am probably older. I still hold grudges against my parents, even the one who is no longer around, for what they did/said and how it affected my life. One of the less intense examples: I distinctly remember the Christmas when I was 10 where one of my main presents was a pack of rechargeable batteries and a charger and they told me to "hurry up and charge them, we need those batteries for your brother's new toys". That was over 30 years ago, and I can replay the scene in my head verbatim.
Yeah there was a moment where it hit me where I was like “oh I’m not gonna be able to forget a lot of stuff.” My mother didn’t believe me when I said that but as time has gone on and I still get mad about previous things she’s starting to realize I wasn’t kidding.
I recently had a conversation with her about how much I hated my time in elementary school. It got to the point where I was talking about suicide at school, and one of the teachers reported it. I got sent to school counseling and then sent to actual therapy. I remember all of that, but my mother was like “what do you mean you loved elementary school” because she had just remembered moments of joy and wiped those negative moments from her memory.
I had a similar incident a few years back when I nearly had to throw my parents out of my house because my mother started joyously telling everyone a "fun anecdote" about when she threw away about 80% of my belongings because my room wasn't neat enough and I only found out when I got home from the job they made me get so I could pay for my own car insurance (otherwise their rates would have increased). I didn't even have a car, but if I didn't have my own policy under my own name, it would have raised theirs. Hence I needed to work. Man, I have stories for days about their bullshit, but there is a reason I am low contact.
My memories of my child growing up are filled with detail on the joyful moments, and hazy on the difficult ones. All the birthdays, trips away, all the smiles and laughs, I have lots of detail. The broken bone incident, the need for an operation, those kind of events are much more abstract memories.
I see what you're getting at, but think about this, too: Forgiving is something you can do without forgetting.
Agree 100%. I have an excellent memory, and while I can forgive someone and let go of whatever the issue might be, at the same time my attitude towards that person is never really the same. There are a couple of people I’ve known since childhood who I’m pleasant to when we interact, but who I just don’t consider friends anymore. I keep them at arm’s length emotionally.
Yeah it's a shame in English we often say "forget about it" to mean all is forgiven but I think real forgiveness isn't about remembering or not but about accepting the darkness of the past and choosing to move forward in the light.
Somewhat tangetial, but a recent article in The New Yorker describes that one consequence of aphantasia -- the inability to form mental images -- is that those afflicted with the condition tend to form hazier memories and also "suffer less from regret, or shame, or resentment". From an interview with an aphantasic:
idk I have ADHD and have a similarly bad memory as you, but I still have a fair few grudges lol
Not harder to forgive but certainly harder to forget the thing I forgave them for. Someone very close did something terrible to me about 15 years ago. I forgave them, and we are still very close and talk daily. And yet I think about that terrible thing they did to me at least once a month. It doesn't bother me or even color my opinion of this person, but the memory never leaves me. I'm thankful to have a relationship with this person despite what happened 15 years ago. That matters much more to me than holding a grudge.
I forgive quite easily, actually. I think, perhaps paradoxically, it makes it easier to forgive because I can remember both the sum of things (plenty of good they've also done) or I can place it in context better (the sum of negative things others have done). Ultimately, however, forgiveness is a personal thing - it's not about what someone has done but your ability to move on from it.
I was hoping someone would write this! It's a pessimistic assumption that the full record of interactions with a person, good and bad, would paint them in a negative light.
If you truly believe that having a better memory would dredge up more bad than good, the logical thing is to start holding speculative grudges: on average they did something bad to you, even if you can't remember what it was. And the future is just as real as the past, so don't forget to make some preemptive grudges as well! (I'm joking to make a point. Try not to hold grudges, it's bad for you.)
Despite my ADHD, my memory for slights is very good, but I don't like holding grudges. Whatever the dispute, it's almost always better to either air it or let it go. They're like one of those itches that happen under the surface of the skin, they don't go away by being treated as legitimate.
It is funny when you do that and then yeeeaaars later mention the slight to the person because it's become comical to you, and they take it as a late-submission complaint. Then you've got to apologize.
To me, yes, it does. Even if I consciously want to "forgive" someone I remember the feelings and the experience of the slight. I will always be disappointed in them and hesitant to trust them. The closer you are to someone the worse it is, since the bad experiences add up.
It also causes a lot of anxiety in the other direction since it's difficult for me to convince myself that someone else isn't being just as hard on me. I think this translated into a lot of shyness and an overabundance of caution in social situations or high visibility situations when I was younger.
I have a very good memory and, yes, am prone to holding grudges. Back in my school days, I used to crush spelling bees, geography bees, you name it bees. And then in uni I excelled in my history classes and was a favorite of my history professors (and got glowing recommendations from them) because I had excellent recall of events, places, and names and could effortlessly weave them together.
I live very much inside my head, thinking about the future and the past. But I'm never present in the moment.
In contrast, my ex had a very poor memory and lived in the 'now'. At first it was endearing how they could be so present in the moment. But eventually it became a point of great friction: they were impulsive and would do things without thinking about consequences or how it'd make me feel. Then they'd forget that it ever happened, but I would remember everything with great clarity, and it made me tear my hair out because we could never share an understanding of reality.
This resonates with me too. Sometimes I'm pondering X or Y and then I realize, wait, why am I thinking of this like it was yesterday? It happened 20 years ago. All of these people moved on with their lives and have changed into significantly different people. Likely, not a single person even remembers this moment, other than me. Even if they do, the odds that they think of it this clearly are low at best. It's a lonely feeling!
Sometimes, I will remember a meme (in the traditional sense, not the internet definition of the word) that seemed to be so big in a certain time and context but is now all but forgotten...
My memory is terrible, but I live with a person who has pretty good memory. It makes it very hard to get away with small lies.
I don't think memory matters, but emotional impressions.
I have had the experience of forgetting what a person did/said, but my feelings of unforgiveness haven't gone away.
I hate to say it, but yes, it does, for me at least. While I can still forgive people, I probably never fully forgive them. I can distinctly remember the details of some very horrific events with people and... well let's just say there is a reason that "forgive and forget" was a saying. It can be hard to fully let go when you can replay those events in your head, whether you want to or not, years or decades later.
I have ADHD. I wouldn't say my memory is bad but selective. I won't forget someone seriously hurting me and I won't be able forgive them, either. It's not healthy, but at the same time I feel like I have to protect myself
I can forgive quite easily, as long as I believe the other party is sincere about not bearing any malice. I don't forget though. It's not about holding a grudge, it's about recognizing patterns of behavior if any emerge. Fool me once, and so forth.
Kind of a different thought than the question but it came up reading responses. I have ADHD and a terrible memory and I've noticed lately when I'm angry, I say "you ALWAYS do ____" because to me and the amount of memory I have, it does feel like ALWAYS. But then I let it go so fast that I can't remember what I had been angry about the next time!
Anyways, really interesting question!
Forgiveness comes from understanding, not forgetting. So personally, the more I know/remember, the easier it is.