Had to say goodbye to a friend today and it stings so bad :(
So I'm doing my GED at the moment and I'm in the same couple of classes this gal. It's only 3 months into the semester and we won't be in the same classes next semester anyway. Nevertheless, despite it only being 3 months we quickly became acquainted and within the last month or so we've become friends. Last week however, her boyfriend broke up with her and today he kicked her out of his apartment - so she's homeless. And in order to not live on the damn street she's going back to Norway (she's only been here in Denmark for a bit over a year) to live with her family until she can find somewhere to live here - she still has another semester to go until she's done with school here, so it need only be temporary.
She's leaving tonight and so I asked if she wanted to meet after school today. We did and talked for a couple of hours at a cafe - and it was pretty nice despite her situation being total shit. I'm a really empathetic person in general and I feel all sorts of compassion for her. Simultaneously, despite barely even knowing her (today was the first time we actually hung out, come to think of it), I am gonna miss her like crazy... This is mostly about her because of how much it sucks for her and how bad I feel for her, but I can't help but feel like shit too even though I barely even know her! I can't tell if I have a crush on her or if I just like her as a friend, but who cares anyways - she's gone now and I might not see her again...
Just had to get this off my chest I guess. I just wish so bad that she didn't have to leave - that I could've gotten to know her more and spent more time with her.
I'm also trying to follow some advice from a psychologist, because I have borderline personality disorder and basically it means I feel feelings a lot more intensely than the average person. I also haven't been a very social person historically speaking so I find it difficult to navigate relationships and situations like this. So the advice I'm trying to follow is particularly this bit: Instead of ‘I love you with the passion of a thousand fiery suns’ it might be nice to do a small gesture. But it's difficult to not write her on messenger and just say something like "I'm gonna miss you :(" - I know it's stupid to do that and she doesn't feel the same way I do because it's only been like 1 month of actual friendship, but it's genuinely how I feel.
Wasn't sure if this belongs in ~life or here, so I figured I'd just go with this one. Just had to get this off my chest so that maybe I'll not be dumb and write her something that the overly attached girlfriend meme could have written. I used to be super clingy and it's driven people away in the past so yeah. Anyway, thanks for caring if you read this whole post :)
I don't see anything wrong with sending her a message saying that you feel for her situation and if there is anything she needs help with while she is away, you'd be happy to help. You never know if she might want someone to check out an apartment she sees online or needs someone to mail her something. She met with you after school, so it seems she is interested in at least a friendly relationship.
I could be dead wrong about this, but she might not have made many friends during her time in Denmark if she didn't have any friends offer up their place for a while, it could be really helpful knowing that she has someone who is offering help. You should suggest staying in touch and when she returns maybe you guys get to be a lot closer. Worst thing that happens is she says shes got it covered but thanks anyway. It's hard to gauge things from a text post, so if your therapist has suggested something that contradicts what I have said, stick with their advice.
First of all, thanks for both reading my post and also replying to it! Thought it'd get zero traction whatsoever. Secondly, sorry but I had to think for a while because I didn't really know how to respond to this!
I just think that I am scared of coming off too strong as has been the case in the past. Because in terms of friendships and other relationships I have always been way too intense for the other part to handle - one even told me so directly. I mean, it could very well be seen as completely over-the-top to indeed tell her that I'm gonna miss her, because maybe a new friendship is the last thing on her mind right now, no matter how many/few friends she's actually made here. I do tend to take these things way too seriously and think way too much about it, over-analyzing everything etc. etc.
Just to clarify, it's not my therapist, it's just a quote from an article. The full quote is this:
No worries at all.
I can somewhat relate, in the past when I used to get a crush it became an obsession, and I missed out on chances to get to know some really cool girls because of my tunnel-vision. Sounds like I was a bit different from what you describe, but maybe I can share what I've learned the last few years as I have focused on self-improvement.
I don't think that letting her know that you don't mind helping out if she needs it is a bad thing at all. Even if she doesn't end up needing it, she will likely remember that you offered to help where you could. It's that small gesture that shows you care, and to follow your 'Spinal Tap' analogy, it's at a good volume. It sounds like you haven't spent much time out of the classroom together, so I would stay away from the "I'll miss you" comments, as it could be taken the wrong way. You could say that you had fun meeting with her and that you would be interested in doing so again when she returns.
As someone who struggled with crippling anxiety growing up, I used to over-analyze everything also. The thing that helped me the most was absolutely meditation. Meditation taught me to focus on the present and quit worrying all the time over things that were almost always just in my head. I used to think that people wanted nothing to do with me, but when I started paying more attention to them and the present moment instead of myself, I was able to pick up that the opposite was the case. It's a struggle, and the only way I was able to improve was to put myself out there a little more everyday. I have tried my best to push myself out of my comfort zone, and there were times I made an ass of myself, or made things awkward, or just chickened out. But I learned from it. I still have a long ways to go, but I'm better off for every experience as I've made it a point to learn from each one. Take things a day at a time. They'll get better.
Just a little update!
This is basically what I ended up doing. I wrote her before I went to bed and said to hit me up if she needed anything at all. She didn't respond until this morning, I'm guessing because she had no internet on the bus as she had probably already crossed the bridge to Sweden when I wrote her - you need to drive through Sweden to get to Norway by land of course. Anyway so she responded this morning and was just like "thank you, I'm in Norway now". We chit-chatted briefly and then she went to bed again, I'm guessing once she got to wherever she's staying...
Anyway now what I kinda feared would happen, did happen... I wrote her after school today and went "I miss my walking-to-the-train-station-after-school buddy :(" and well, I think everyone knows how it feels when all you get is Seen 13:50.
So I guess I'm gonna follow your advice once again and take things a day at a time...