The answer is yes, it's normal. Doesn't make it not shitty, but almost everyone has phases like these, and for some people they can last a long time. This year, the added stress of, you know,...
The answer is yes, it's normal. Doesn't make it not shitty, but almost everyone has phases like these, and for some people they can last a long time. This year, the added stress of, you know, everything, has been pushing a lot of people to their limits and it's no surprise if you feel it worse than usual.
I don't know if this will help, but personally, I manage my mental health better when I separate the issues plaguing me. Take this for example:
"am i annoying to my friends", "why am i single, will i be single forever", "oh god i am not doing enough work and i will fall behind", "i didnt exercise at all today... or yesterday... or this month... shit"
These all kind of come down on a lack of self-confidence. Self-confidence is something you 100% can work on, though it's a whole subject of its own and not a quick fix to everything.
But they are also four distinct issues. My strategy is to think about them logically. Note that doing so won't (necessarily, nor usually) make them go away, but they can give you a sort of "candle in the fog". I find it's better than nothing, and keeps me grounded. It allows me to handle a lot more of these at once before I really start to spiral down; and when I do, I usually can find my way back up if a few of the issues get solved. Basically, it increases my tolerance for the amount of shit that can pile up before I lose control.
So let me give it a try. Are you annoying to your friends? I don't know, but you can probably ask them. I would not recommend asking all of them, but maybe pick one you trust the most and start talking. Don't be the only one talking though, listen to their problems as well and invite them to share. I know that some sexes and ages have more trouble than others at this kind of heart-to-heart but honestly, once you get past the awkwardness, everyone realizes it's for their own benefit and it helps a ton.
Why are you single, and will you be single forever? That's the age-old question everyone goes through. I certainly go through it once in a while. Focusing on it too much will just make things worse: "getting a SO" is not a healthy goal. Rather, the goal I give myself is to have a life worth sharing with someone else. Eventually, you want to share it with others, it makes you more outgoing. That means more socializing. I can't offer dating advice, but it's important to remember that meeting a SO is not that much different to meeting new friends, you gotta go and talk to people. In a less pandemicky year, you could be going out and doing so at your favourite venue (be it a bar, club, sports group, meetups, whatever). Right now those things suck in most countries, but keep in mind that once life restarts, there's a huge pent-up craving to socialize from a lot of people out there, so if anything, meeting new people will be easier IMO.
You are not doing enough work and will fall behind: Well, don't burn yourself out either. Unless you're flipping burgers, work isn't usually just "a grind"; anything that takes mental effort will take a hit if you stress yourself out too much. Your brain can get fatigued just like your muscles. Now, if your current pace isn't viable long-term and can't keep up with the workload (eg. ever-increasing workload), then you have two ways out: Reduce the workload, or increase the work pace. This is something you can actually 100% solve by sitting down and analyzing whether you're able to take in more work, whether you can reduce your workload, whether you're doing unnecessary things, or if there are external factors contributing to a low pacing (even including "I'm depressed and I can't bring myself to get off the couch/out of bed").
Now I'm not saying you'll solve the underlying issue, but it's a hell of a lot easier to reason about when you have more direct things you can blame, eg. "My boss gives me way too much work and I don't get enough help", "My lack of sleep is causing me to make so many mistakes that my work suffers a lot", etc. One step at a time.
Finally, for exercise, I have to really recommend exploring different avenues to work out. What have you tried? Maybe you can make a post in ~fitness asking for recommendations, detailing what you actually enjoy. There may be sports you haven't tried yet that you'll fall in love with. Or fitness games (I've posted about beat saber… my shoulders still hurt). Or maybe gamifying your workouts. Or maybe finding a good yoga app. Or working out with a friend on a regular basis, turning it into a social event.
Supplementing my post a bit: I want to really stress that thinking about each issue individually and logically is not meant to necessarily solve these issues, and it won't just fix everything. You...
Supplementing my post a bit: I want to really stress that thinking about each issue individually and logically is not meant to necessarily solve these issues, and it won't just fix everything. You might even not solve a single one of them. But it helps compartmentalize things.
This "pile of shit" I mentioned earlier is this feeling that a lot of us get, when for a variety of reasons life sucks a bit or a lot. Everything becomes way too much and it's a vicious circle: You get stressed out, eat less/more, sleep badly, this all makes you feel worse throughout the day, your friends/SO notice and pull away from you, etc.
Increasing your psychological tolerance for the amount of shit that can pile up before you enter a vicious circle is massive. I find it's a bit like how poverty creates poverty, and eg. a one-off $500 can make a world of difference to someone and entirely pull them out of poverty in some situations.
So yeah, compartmentalizing makes things more tolerable because you're no longer thinking about this massive, abstract blob of "urgh my life sucks there's so much gnawing at me", but rather for example, "Some things suck, and they're out of my control so I just have to accept them. Some other things suck, but I could do something about them and motivate myself. And a few other things suck, but actually they don't impact me significantly and I ought to think less about them."
It's just more manageable. It's still a lot, mind you, but it's the difference between something that feels completely impossible to face, and thus feels like an unending dark tunnel, versus a really tall mountain to climb: Intimidating, but possible, with patience and effort.
In my opinion/experience, no. But forgive me here... what flipping difference does that make? 'Normal' is really no yardstick to aim for in life, because lots of what average or 'normal' people do...
In my opinion/experience, no.
But forgive me here... what flipping difference does that make?
'Normal' is really no yardstick to aim for in life, because lots of what average or 'normal' people do and think about is toxic, selfish, not advisable, or downright stupid... you just don't know it because you can't peek behind the curtain. In fact, take a minute and think up who's the most normal person you know. I guarantee you that if you tell them that's how you think of them, they'd laugh and disagree.
You should instead concern yourself with whether your habits are healthy or not, useful or not, helpful or not, wise or not.
Having said that, I suspect you already have an inkling that the type of worrying you're talking about isn't particularly helpful or healthy, or else you wouldn't be asking your friends or strangers about it. The type of thoughts you're describing are stemming from insecurities. Insecurities stem from fear, and the best way to overcome fear is to take action. There are tons of actionable steps one can take, and you don't even need to worry too much about finding the one perfect thing that works for you. You will find that actually taking action takes away feelings of helplessness during the time it takes for those changes to develop.
Also, the way I look at things is based in my own bias of dealing with my shit on my own, but there's no reason to believe family/friends/others won't be willing to support you. Don't be afraid to ask specifically for help figuring out solutions, as opposed to simply unloading feelings or worries.
Child, never tell me you're sorry for venting at me or I will slap you to sleep. We're humans, you're not venting - you're talking and you talking to me/with me is something I and all other humans...
Sorry for venting like this... for some reason writing this out for some strangers on the internet is what I decided will help me fall asleep tonight.
Child, never tell me you're sorry for venting at me or I will slap you to sleep. We're humans, you're not venting - you're talking and you talking to me/with me is something I and all other humans should be grateful for. And I have a mean right hook, you don't wanna test me on this :)
It is a sign of anxiety if you can't let go at nights. We all think about these things, but when these thoughts impede on your sleep and your life, you should seek out professional help. Not because there is anything wrong with you, but because it might make shit easier for you, which is why shrinks and therapists exist. They are plumbers and even if your mental toilet isn't backed up, its being kinda finicky so might as well have it checked over now.
The most important step, the one that has helped me more than anything is skipping shame and talking to people IRL. They will be clumsy at trying to help (like me threatening violence tbh ;) ) but they will do it out of care and love for you. Let your pride go for a second, either by saying to a friend or a family member "Can I talk to you and we pretend afterwards we never did have this talk?" (seriously try it, it works) - and tell them.
Your friends will try to hook you up with morons, drag you to annoying spinning classes and send you self-help nonsense but they will do it because they love you. Your granddad will try to tell you annecdotes about when he was young that doesn't make sense - but its because they care. So, at the end you may not overcome them that night, but as time goes by - by stripping shame out of the equation, by adding the care of others - you will overcome it.
(as for being single, ask a friend to help you set up a dating profile, pick pictures and text - have some drinks while you do it, make it a fun event - it works too)
EDIT: me and my mother had a "no shame talk" a decade back and it was... it was brilliant. It taught me that its when I try to keep things secret that they become issues, when I casually tell them they become strengths. It's like coming out when you're gay - if you just off hand say "Oh no, BOY-friend not girlfriend" that it becomes non-consequential if you make it a big dramatic production of secrets it starts fekking you over.
EDIT 2: Too much honesty edit:
I came out late in life. To be honest I am a "late bloomer" (I love that term btw). Me and my husband talked about a summer night when we where 17. He was out doing drugs, dancing at a club in the town we live in now, then having sex with some random people (plural, yes I know o.O). We think it was the same night I will always have etched in my mind when I rolled up a holy avenger magical sword on the loot table in DnD and walked through my hometown of Stockholm at dawn feeling like I was the king of the world.
Sometimes I wish I was him, back then. Then I remember I am not, and regret for what was is just impeding the person I am now. See tonight I will have sex with the cool dude who would have beaten the shit out of me in high school.
Sometimes I like to pretend that I could have lived out my teens and 20's not being terrified of what I was. Not feeling shame every second of every day. Then I remember that that was then, this is now. What I did yesterday can't be changed, but what I do tomorrow morning, can.
Sure I didn't experience sex until comparatively late in life. And when that happened it was sex I had because I thought I should have (straight sex) that just made me feel sad and lonely and horrid. But now... oooof. I may be older and maybe it would be cool if I was still 20 (if you're in your 20's you are way hotter than you think btw) but that was then, this is now. I can make up for lost time, and so can you young person.
Me and my husband we met ... 14 years ago? 13? because my sister helped me write up a dating profile and took pictures. (not naughty ones, just flattering ones). She went "you can't say that you sound like a serial killer" while she chugged back wine and laughed at me. The reason I call her sister, while we're not related - is probably partly due to that evening. So allow yourself to let go of shame, ask your friends. Allow yourself to look foolish, allow yourself to be laughed WITH. It helps trust me <3
Can't say whether or not it's "normal" but for what it's worth that describes me pretty well too. I find myself thinking like that whenever it's quiet and I can leave my mind to itself, like in...
Can't say whether or not it's "normal" but for what it's worth that describes me pretty well too. I find myself thinking like that whenever it's quiet and I can leave my mind to itself, like in the bath or bed. Times other people seem to be relaxed and happy somehow?
I had a lot of those types of thought loops when I was younger, and I have broadly escaped from them. Every once and a while, I can slip back into those anxiety paths, but it really stands out to...
I had a lot of those types of thought loops when I was younger, and I have broadly escaped from them. Every once and a while, I can slip back into those anxiety paths, but it really stands out to me now when that happens.
As a twenty-something who has never been in a romantic relationship, I can relate to that fear. I will say that has put me in a position where people are more willing to be open about those romantic insecurities. I am a little generalizing, but everyone has those fears, so I would say its probably something you could talk about with a person your interested in.
I would like to caution against using a friend who isn't a therapist as one. I have been in that position, and good god can it be terrifying to be someone's "therapist". I am not saying don't confide in friends, simply make sure that the person your sharing with can share with you as well.
Rumination before sleep, pretty similar to yours, was something I frequently engaged in in my early-to-mid 20s. Not sure how old you are, but I imagine it's something that may phase out as you...
Rumination before sleep, pretty similar to yours, was something I frequently engaged in in my early-to-mid 20s. Not sure how old you are, but I imagine it's something that may phase out as you grow into your own (not that it every fully goes away). Maybe start setting some easy goals for yourself that you can accomplish in order to build some confidence?
The answer is yes, it's normal. Doesn't make it not shitty, but almost everyone has phases like these, and for some people they can last a long time. This year, the added stress of, you know, everything, has been pushing a lot of people to their limits and it's no surprise if you feel it worse than usual.
I don't know if this will help, but personally, I manage my mental health better when I separate the issues plaguing me. Take this for example:
These all kind of come down on a lack of self-confidence. Self-confidence is something you 100% can work on, though it's a whole subject of its own and not a quick fix to everything.
But they are also four distinct issues. My strategy is to think about them logically. Note that doing so won't (necessarily, nor usually) make them go away, but they can give you a sort of "candle in the fog". I find it's better than nothing, and keeps me grounded. It allows me to handle a lot more of these at once before I really start to spiral down; and when I do, I usually can find my way back up if a few of the issues get solved. Basically, it increases my tolerance for the amount of shit that can pile up before I lose control.
So let me give it a try. Are you annoying to your friends? I don't know, but you can probably ask them. I would not recommend asking all of them, but maybe pick one you trust the most and start talking. Don't be the only one talking though, listen to their problems as well and invite them to share. I know that some sexes and ages have more trouble than others at this kind of heart-to-heart but honestly, once you get past the awkwardness, everyone realizes it's for their own benefit and it helps a ton.
Why are you single, and will you be single forever? That's the age-old question everyone goes through. I certainly go through it once in a while. Focusing on it too much will just make things worse: "getting a SO" is not a healthy goal. Rather, the goal I give myself is to have a life worth sharing with someone else. Eventually, you want to share it with others, it makes you more outgoing. That means more socializing. I can't offer dating advice, but it's important to remember that meeting a SO is not that much different to meeting new friends, you gotta go and talk to people. In a less pandemicky year, you could be going out and doing so at your favourite venue (be it a bar, club, sports group, meetups, whatever). Right now those things suck in most countries, but keep in mind that once life restarts, there's a huge pent-up craving to socialize from a lot of people out there, so if anything, meeting new people will be easier IMO.
You are not doing enough work and will fall behind: Well, don't burn yourself out either. Unless you're flipping burgers, work isn't usually just "a grind"; anything that takes mental effort will take a hit if you stress yourself out too much. Your brain can get fatigued just like your muscles. Now, if your current pace isn't viable long-term and can't keep up with the workload (eg. ever-increasing workload), then you have two ways out: Reduce the workload, or increase the work pace. This is something you can actually 100% solve by sitting down and analyzing whether you're able to take in more work, whether you can reduce your workload, whether you're doing unnecessary things, or if there are external factors contributing to a low pacing (even including "I'm depressed and I can't bring myself to get off the couch/out of bed").
Now I'm not saying you'll solve the underlying issue, but it's a hell of a lot easier to reason about when you have more direct things you can blame, eg. "My boss gives me way too much work and I don't get enough help", "My lack of sleep is causing me to make so many mistakes that my work suffers a lot", etc. One step at a time.
Finally, for exercise, I have to really recommend exploring different avenues to work out. What have you tried? Maybe you can make a post in ~fitness asking for recommendations, detailing what you actually enjoy. There may be sports you haven't tried yet that you'll fall in love with. Or fitness games (I've posted about beat saber… my shoulders still hurt). Or maybe gamifying your workouts. Or maybe finding a good yoga app. Or working out with a friend on a regular basis, turning it into a social event.
Good luck!
Supplementing my post a bit: I want to really stress that thinking about each issue individually and logically is not meant to necessarily solve these issues, and it won't just fix everything. You might even not solve a single one of them. But it helps compartmentalize things.
This "pile of shit" I mentioned earlier is this feeling that a lot of us get, when for a variety of reasons life sucks a bit or a lot. Everything becomes way too much and it's a vicious circle: You get stressed out, eat less/more, sleep badly, this all makes you feel worse throughout the day, your friends/SO notice and pull away from you, etc.
Increasing your psychological tolerance for the amount of shit that can pile up before you enter a vicious circle is massive. I find it's a bit like how poverty creates poverty, and eg. a one-off $500 can make a world of difference to someone and entirely pull them out of poverty in some situations.
So yeah, compartmentalizing makes things more tolerable because you're no longer thinking about this massive, abstract blob of "urgh my life sucks there's so much gnawing at me", but rather for example, "Some things suck, and they're out of my control so I just have to accept them. Some other things suck, but I could do something about them and motivate myself. And a few other things suck, but actually they don't impact me significantly and I ought to think less about them."
It's just more manageable. It's still a lot, mind you, but it's the difference between something that feels completely impossible to face, and thus feels like an unending dark tunnel, versus a really tall mountain to climb: Intimidating, but possible, with patience and effort.
In my opinion/experience, no.
But forgive me here... what flipping difference does that make?
'Normal' is really no yardstick to aim for in life, because lots of what average or 'normal' people do and think about is toxic, selfish, not advisable, or downright stupid... you just don't know it because you can't peek behind the curtain. In fact, take a minute and think up who's the most normal person you know. I guarantee you that if you tell them that's how you think of them, they'd laugh and disagree.
You should instead concern yourself with whether your habits are healthy or not, useful or not, helpful or not, wise or not.
Having said that, I suspect you already have an inkling that the type of worrying you're talking about isn't particularly helpful or healthy, or else you wouldn't be asking your friends or strangers about it. The type of thoughts you're describing are stemming from insecurities. Insecurities stem from fear, and the best way to overcome fear is to take action. There are tons of actionable steps one can take, and you don't even need to worry too much about finding the one perfect thing that works for you. You will find that actually taking action takes away feelings of helplessness during the time it takes for those changes to develop.
Also, the way I look at things is based in my own bias of dealing with my shit on my own, but there's no reason to believe family/friends/others won't be willing to support you. Don't be afraid to ask specifically for help figuring out solutions, as opposed to simply unloading feelings or worries.
Child, never tell me you're sorry for venting at me or I will slap you to sleep. We're humans, you're not venting - you're talking and you talking to me/with me is something I and all other humans should be grateful for. And I have a mean right hook, you don't wanna test me on this :)
It is a sign of anxiety if you can't let go at nights. We all think about these things, but when these thoughts impede on your sleep and your life, you should seek out professional help. Not because there is anything wrong with you, but because it might make shit easier for you, which is why shrinks and therapists exist. They are plumbers and even if your mental toilet isn't backed up, its being kinda finicky so might as well have it checked over now.
The most important step, the one that has helped me more than anything is skipping shame and talking to people IRL. They will be clumsy at trying to help (like me threatening violence tbh ;) ) but they will do it out of care and love for you. Let your pride go for a second, either by saying to a friend or a family member "Can I talk to you and we pretend afterwards we never did have this talk?" (seriously try it, it works) - and tell them.
Your friends will try to hook you up with morons, drag you to annoying spinning classes and send you self-help nonsense but they will do it because they love you. Your granddad will try to tell you annecdotes about when he was young that doesn't make sense - but its because they care. So, at the end you may not overcome them that night, but as time goes by - by stripping shame out of the equation, by adding the care of others - you will overcome it.
(as for being single, ask a friend to help you set up a dating profile, pick pictures and text - have some drinks while you do it, make it a fun event - it works too)
EDIT: me and my mother had a "no shame talk" a decade back and it was... it was brilliant. It taught me that its when I try to keep things secret that they become issues, when I casually tell them they become strengths. It's like coming out when you're gay - if you just off hand say "Oh no, BOY-friend not girlfriend" that it becomes non-consequential if you make it a big dramatic production of secrets it starts fekking you over.
EDIT 2: Too much honesty edit:
I came out late in life. To be honest I am a "late bloomer" (I love that term btw). Me and my husband talked about a summer night when we where 17. He was out doing drugs, dancing at a club in the town we live in now, then having sex with some random people (plural, yes I know o.O). We think it was the same night I will always have etched in my mind when I rolled up a holy avenger magical sword on the loot table in DnD and walked through my hometown of Stockholm at dawn feeling like I was the king of the world. Sometimes I wish I was him, back then. Then I remember I am not, and regret for what was is just impeding the person I am now. See tonight I will have sex with the cool dude who would have beaten the shit out of me in high school. Sometimes I like to pretend that I could have lived out my teens and 20's not being terrified of what I was. Not feeling shame every second of every day. Then I remember that that was then, this is now. What I did yesterday can't be changed, but what I do tomorrow morning, can. Sure I didn't experience sex until comparatively late in life. And when that happened it was sex I had because I thought I should have (straight sex) that just made me feel sad and lonely and horrid. But now... oooof. I may be older and maybe it would be cool if I was still 20 (if you're in your 20's you are way hotter than you think btw) but that was then, this is now. I can make up for lost time, and so can you young person.Me and my husband we met ... 14 years ago? 13? because my sister helped me write up a dating profile and took pictures. (not naughty ones, just flattering ones). She went "you can't say that you sound like a serial killer" while she chugged back wine and laughed at me. The reason I call her sister, while we're not related - is probably partly due to that evening. So allow yourself to let go of shame, ask your friends. Allow yourself to look foolish, allow yourself to be laughed WITH. It helps trust me <3
Can't say whether or not it's "normal" but for what it's worth that describes me pretty well too. I find myself thinking like that whenever it's quiet and I can leave my mind to itself, like in the bath or bed. Times other people seem to be relaxed and happy somehow?
I had a lot of those types of thought loops when I was younger, and I have broadly escaped from them. Every once and a while, I can slip back into those anxiety paths, but it really stands out to me now when that happens.
As a twenty-something who has never been in a romantic relationship, I can relate to that fear. I will say that has put me in a position where people are more willing to be open about those romantic insecurities. I am a little generalizing, but everyone has those fears, so I would say its probably something you could talk about with a person your interested in.
I would like to caution against using a friend who isn't a therapist as one. I have been in that position, and good god can it be terrifying to be someone's "therapist". I am not saying don't confide in friends, simply make sure that the person your sharing with can share with you as well.
Yes. Life is hard and there are lots to figure out. Psychotherapy can help regulate that.
Rumination before sleep, pretty similar to yours, was something I frequently engaged in in my early-to-mid 20s. Not sure how old you are, but I imagine it's something that may phase out as you grow into your own (not that it every fully goes away). Maybe start setting some easy goals for yourself that you can accomplish in order to build some confidence?