Arshan's recent activity
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Comment on Six months after lifelong depression in ~life
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Comment on Six months after lifelong depression in ~life
Arshan Link ParentI wanted to take I bit to clarify my thoughts on your comment. There's a bit of 'yes, but also no' in my response. So yes, I have felt a need to have my mental health issues explicitly...I wanted to take I bit to clarify my thoughts on your comment. There's a bit of 'yes, but also no' in my response.
So yes, I have felt a need to have my mental health issues explicitly acknowledged and at least generally understood. The main reason being that it never was, so I always felt like I was being gaslighted. People always stated that I seemed happy or fun, even though I felt nothing. I also never had a 'happy' frame of reference, so now that I do, how bad off I was really stands out.
I agree that I am going to need to let go of my mental health issues as part of me and my identity. And they have been dimming down quite a bit over the last 2 months or so. But I still feel a need to not rush it, that this is a part of my mourning process for all the time I have lost. So I guess I would say I trust myself to reach that point in my own time.
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Comment on Six months after lifelong depression in ~life
Arshan Link ParentOh, it is wild how much better I am now. I can actual feel like I have a connection with someone, even if it isn't super deep. Its just by being in a much better place I can now understand how bad...To acknowledge the brighter side, given how I interpret your posts, to me, it sounds like you're doing better than the previous post.
Oh, it is wild how much better I am now. I can actual feel like I have a connection with someone, even if it isn't super deep. Its just by being in a much better place I can now understand how bad off I was for most of my life.
Seeing that you have heard little-to-nothing about dysfunctional families and/or complex ptsd from your dialoge with @NoblePath, I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask, since you've been in this depression you describe as life-long, have you made any headway or steps with speaking with a mental health professional? If so, maybe bring these terms up and ask what treatment looks like. That may have been obvious though. If it is, I'm sorry for being a smart-*ss.
I looked into a therapist a few months back, but something was holding me back. I am starting to look for a therapist in Portland. I've personally always been a bit wary of therapy, not because I don't think it could greatly help me, I am sure it could, but that a bad therapist IN THE PAST could have been very extremely bad for me. My father was a psychologist, and someone of my worst memories are of him ruthlessly making fun of his patients.
Something that has helped me was going to a mental health support group. It's nice to have a non-judgmental space where people typically describe how they are feeling pretty accurately. And you won't have any of those "what didn't kill me makes me stronger" talk.
I'll admit not to have seriously considered this. It just never crossed my mind, and now it sounds like a good idea. Thanks :)
And, maybe some reassurance from the other side. Although your experience with depression has been life-long, your life, although to you has been the longest thing you've experienced, isn't so long if you think about it from a macroscopic POV (or just, not your POV). If you live in the states (given that you're moving to Portland, OR - nice bro, super jelly - I'm going to assume you live in another state in the US), typically you are under your parent(s) responsibility until 18, so, if you think about it, you've only been truly on your own for approximately 5-6 years. Life-long depression is excruciating, the caveat, you should (again, given the typical/ average life-span of males in the US) have a lot more life to live and what is under your control has been minimal for now, and, again, given from your last post, you are on the right track and have grown so much in so little time. Hang in there bro. See your potential. Sometimes that means uprooting some of the past and saying "I don't need this anymore, it served me as a child to, for example, stay quiet/ hold my tongue because my main caretaker would be in jeopardy if I didn't, but now I'm my main caretaker, so I no longer need to hold my tongue if it doesn't suit me". That will take a lot of reflection to uproot some of those things. Focus on your potential.
I don't have any particular response, but I generally appreciate the sentiment. And yeah, I live just outside of Kansas City now.
Oh, and I wanted to add, there is so much content out there to feel not so alone in your feelings. I recommend BTS. Pink Floyd is also cool. Many artists have spent their time and effort trying to describe their battle with mental health.
I've enjoyed the BTS music I've heard, but never consciously listened to Pink Floyd, so that will go in the watchlist.
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Comment on Six months after lifelong depression in ~life
Arshan (edited )Link ParentI haven't heard of the first one, and I only know a little about the second. With a little bit of looking, it does seem pretty accurate to my experience. Edit: Well, complex PTSD seems to be very...I haven't heard of the first one, and I only know a little about the second. With a little bit of looking, it does seem pretty accurate to my experience.
Edit:
Well, complex PTSD seems to be very accurate to my experience, in particular with some of the more 'weird/abnormal' parts of my mental health issues. Not considering yourself human is something I've done for years; I've always sided with AI in fiction over humans. In one of the articles I read about C-PTSD, it even used a phrase I have said verbatim many times; 'I don't know HOW to have a relationship'.It also makes sense to me that my issues weren't simply depression. Yes, depression was a very big part of it, but by no means the whole picture. So thanks for the comment that really makes it seem that my issues could better be described by C-PTSD.
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Six months after lifelong depression
I've been thinking of writing a follow-up to my post about my now on only mostly lifelong depression. And surprise, this is that post. :) Its mostly stream of consciousness style, but I did try...
I've been thinking of writing a follow-up to my post about my now on only mostly lifelong depression. And surprise, this is that post. :) Its mostly stream of consciousness style, but I did try and edit it a bit.
I've realized that I have never had a friend before. I've cared about people, but the trust required to consider someone a friend was something I wasn't capable of. I only realized a few months back that trust is an emotion; it was always a rather cold calculus for me. I would think something to the effect of 'While I trust them not to kill me or physically hurt me...'. I would think a similar thing about best friends, 'Well they are literally my best(think closest) friend'. People have cared for me, but since I couldn't reciprocate, I can't call that a friendship.
It does explain a lot of things that didn't make sense to me before. Everyone I knew always acted like I hated being around them, and in a sense, they were right. I hated being around people because I couldn't actually connect with them. It was like watching people feast while you are starving. I had to impotently attempt to form connections that were impossible for me, while the other person blissfully formed that connection without even thinking about it.
I still have issues trusting people, but I have gotten massively better in this regard. There are a few people I consider casual friends now, but I cannot say I have a close friend.I also have a fair bit of anger towards people who called themselves my friends. I cannot remember a point when I felt like any of them seriously tried to help me. And its not like I didn't have people who stated they loved me, I've had a few, but that I never felt that love breathed into actions. I imagine I will always wonder if it was just because it was too hidden or if no one ever really tried. I have also realized that I don't think anyone ever realized how bad off I was. To be fair, I couldn't have told you how bad off I was then either, but I have the excuse of not knowing what happiness was.
I've also realized how little people who have not experienced something like lifelong depression understand about it. I've discussed it with a few people, and even the one's who have been depressed and who have had serious issues, do not understand. In particular, a lot of people will use the phrase 'Making up for lost time' and do not understand how incorrect it is. There is no making up for the lost time; I will have always lived roughly a third of my life devoid of happiness and meaning. Nothing will change that, and nothing could ever remove the weight of that burden. Even if I live my best possible life from now own, it won't make my past self happy. Also of course I want to live my best possible life, but that's probably the most universal desire in existence. And my point isn't to insult the people who use this phrase, but to offer a particular example of what I mean by not understanding.
This type of comment also implies suffering from being in a bad situation, not suffering from being in a void. (Though I imagine the vast majority of people do not understand the difference) What most people call suffering is being in the dark, a metaphorical, or sometimes literal, punch to the face; something clearly delineated and demarcated. Some moment of shadow within a wider context of light; even if the shadow greatly outweighs the light, there is still both light and shadow. The suffering of the void is a separation from even the dimension of light/dark itself. And it is a hungry void, it consumes everything and turns it into the Same. Even people who have experienced the suffering of being in a void for a time have memories of light/dark as a reminder of what they are looking for. I do want to be explicit here, I don't think suffering is useful or valuable. Suffering doesn't make you strong or interesting, it just fucking sucks. Nothing pisses me off more then when people dick measure with how bad their life has been. I do kinda feel like an angsty teen talking about this, but it is something I have feel so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I have also been steadily seeing how fucked up some things in my past were. For example, as a 7 year-old I had to learn how to careful couch all my words to avoid pushing my mother to suicide. I realized that not feeling physically safe anywhere is a problem.
I got a job working at a local restaurant. Its a mediocre job, but I wanted a zero-stress job and it provided that. I have a few coworkers I consider friends, but the one I am closest to just left which is a bummer. I do also feel like I am down with this period of my life, and I just want to move on right now but I still need to wait a bit.
I am moving to Portland, OR in February. Its definitely the next step I need to take, but its obviously still scary.
I have been working on some coding side-projects that I have enjoyed. One is a weather alert that only sends me alerts if X condition is met, so if the temperature drops 20 degrees or a blizzard is coming type of thing. I have the core logic working, but I am still working on the notification method. I am also working on a stenography theory that attempts to use semantic relationships instead of phonetics as the base dimension. Its still really, really early, but its in that fun, highly theoretical stage.
I have realized that I am not actually ugly, but you know a little too overwhelmed to recognize normal people's interest. I was also surprised how enjoyable it is to wear clothes that look good on you. Unfortunately, there is no one I am particularly interested in right now, but at least I would be able to act if I met someone. I also still have no idea how to date; like do you just approach someone and ask them? Is that it?
This post is much longer then I was originally thinking, so if you read through to the end, thanks.
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Comment on What were the best books you read this year? in ~books
Arshan LinkThe book that stands out to me is Blessed is the Flame. It has a lot of historical information about rebellion within the Nazi extermination camps. Its obviously a super dark book, but most of the...The book that stands out to me is Blessed is the Flame. It has a lot of historical information about rebellion within the Nazi extermination camps. Its obviously a super dark book, but most of the stories were new to me. It is also an anarcho-nihilist text that argues for focusing on the wild liberatory feeling of rebellion and at least to some degree, ignoring the perceived chance of long term change from the act of rebellion. I kinda agree with its take, I definetely agree in the context of the holocaust, but there is something about it that doesn't quite connect with me.
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Comment on Great, affordable downtowns that don't require a car? in ~life
Arshan LinkI live outside Kansas City, so I can't directly speak to living in its downtown. However when I go into downtown I don't drive a car. If you stay along the central tram line, its really nice; the...I live outside Kansas City, so I can't directly speak to living in its downtown. However when I go into downtown I don't drive a car. If you stay along the central tram line, its really nice; the tram runs consistently and feels safe. However, other than that public transit is meh at best. As for stuff to do, I am not really that knowledgeable, but what stuff there is is going to be in the city itself. If your looking for particular neighborhoods in Kansas City, I highly recommend the River Market area; its right on the tram line and is very walk-able.
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Comment on What is transhumanism? in ~humanities
Arshan Link ParentI guess I should say this explicitly, but my support is for trans-humanism as the idea that technology can fundamentally transform what being a human means. For me that doesn't actually have a...I guess I should say this explicitly, but my support is for trans-humanism as the idea that technology can fundamentally transform what being a human means. For me that doesn't actually have a moral or ethical elements. Of course, there could be bad ways that humans are transformed, i.e. super-soldiers with no empathy. There could also be very good things, making humans live to be 1000 years old and being able to see ultraviolet light. Imagine seeing a new color for the first time and how fucking dope that would be. There can be bad anything, and everything can be misused; however that is not, IN THE ABSTRACT, a reason not to explore and try new things. Trans-humanism, for me, is above any 1 technology and about a movement towards something new.
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Comment on What is transhumanism? in ~humanities
Arshan Link ParentI was subconsciously just thinking of the body-hacking community. Yes, trans-humanism more generally is more split politically.I was subconsciously just thinking of the body-hacking community. Yes, trans-humanism more generally is more split politically.
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Comment on What is transhumanism? in ~humanities
Arshan Link ParentI do have similar fears, but I will say that my understanding of the current trans-humanist movement is that it is fairly anarchist. I am worried that as soon as something big happens in...I do have similar fears, but I will say that my understanding of the current trans-humanist movement is that it is fairly anarchist. I am worried that as soon as something big happens in trans-humanism that capitalist gold-diggers will swarm it and try and commodify it. Either way, the potential benefits of trans-humanism outweigh my own concerns about its potential misuse; I really would love to be able to live to 1000 years.
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Comment on What is transhumanism? in ~humanities
Arshan Link ParentI never know what people mean when they talk about nature that way. Are beaver dams 'unnatural', are the gigantic ant colonies? We are animals like any other, so all we do is natural, no? I guess...I never know what people mean when they talk about nature that way. Are beaver dams 'unnatural', are the gigantic ant colonies? We are animals like any other, so all we do is natural, no?
I guess I should have been more clear. I do understand the reasons that many people, in particular non-materialists, i.e. technology that directly challenges their world-view. I don't ?internally? understand how someone would have an abstract problem with cybernetics/mind uploading. Sure, if we research them and they have some intrinsic issue, I get; I don't get disliking the idea before the implementation.
Don't get me wrong, I want to be able to live as long as I want, be that 1000 years or 10 billion years. My point is more that I dislike the framing that some trans-humanists use. It comes off as pseudo-religious, which I personally have issues with.
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Comment on What is transhumanism? in ~humanities
Arshan LinkI'm always surprised when people are anti-transhumanism. We know science and technology can approxomately double the human lifespan, why would we stop? Who doesn't want to be 30 for a thousand...I'm always surprised when people are anti-transhumanism. We know science and technology can approxomately double the human lifespan, why would we stop? Who doesn't want to be 30 for a thousand years? I do disagree with the idea of 'curing death'. All finite things end, and even if you live to be 10,000,000,000 years old, you will still end.
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Comment on Is Tildes considered to be an exclusive community? in ~tildes
Arshan LinkI like that tildes is small and I would prefer that it stay that way. However, I don't like the idea of calling it exclusive, that term has a lot of gross conotations for me. I prefer to think of...I like that tildes is small and I would prefer that it stay that way. However, I don't like the idea of calling it exclusive, that term has a lot of gross conotations for me. I prefer to think of tildes as more like a little local club where all are welcome, but by its very nature won't become a monster organization.
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Comment on At least 216,000 children were victims of sexual assault by the French Catholic Church in ~news
Arshan Link ParentIn the context of this post, I find it offensive to not be vehemently disgusted by an organization that supported and enabled child molestation on a global scale. I find it offensive that instead...- Exemplary
In the context of this post, I find it offensive to not be vehemently disgusted by an organization that supported and enabled child molestation on a global scale. I find it offensive that instead of there being systemic action against the catholic church, they are being allowed to 'self-regulate' on the issue. I hope that no person that happens to be catholic finds 'fuck the catholic church' more offensive than a massive systemic cover-up of truly brutal child rape. If they still are offended, I hope they reconsider their priorities.
And if you do want to get more information on non-theistic satanism, I recommend reading the 7 tenets on The Satanic Temple's website. The site also has more links to more in-depth information.
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Comment on At least 216,000 children were victims of sexual assault by the French Catholic Church in ~news
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At least 216,000 children were victims of sexual assault by the French Catholic Church
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Comment on Why relativism is the worst idea ever in ~humanities
Arshan LinkSince I was just thinking about relativism, I have more thoughts on this subject than I normally would. I also want to clearly separate 'truth' and moral relativism. I'd like to start with truth...Since I was just thinking about relativism, I have more thoughts on this subject than I normally would. I also want to clearly separate 'truth' and moral relativism.
I'd like to start with truth relativism, as it effects moral relativism a bit. The simplest way I can describe my relativistic views is that the problem is in the demarcation/proving of objective truth, not its existence or non-existence. My perspective does not view the world as it is, or if I do view the world as it is, how would I ever prove/know that? As an example, what can I say about my experience of sound as sound and the experience of sound in the world? I can't know how sound exists in the external world, because I only know my own experience. I usually try to get people to say out loud that they are the God who understands the world as it is, that they are the ultimate being whose perspective is CORRECT. Most people get uncomfortable saying something so arrogant out loud; it hasn't changed anyone's opinion yet, but it is fun for me. So, my truth relativism has nothing to do with reality, but with how anyone would differentiate between truth and falsity.
To go onto moral relativism, my opinion is that moral rules are at best pointless, and at worst, actively detrimental. I am only discussing morality from an individual context, mainly because getting into the social aspects of morality would make this post twice as long. Morality is pointless because you will make whatever decision you make in the moment regardless of whatever code you say you follow. It could be detrimental because it is an attempt to outsource your decisions to something else. At the end of the day, the people in the scenario will make whatever decision they do, with whatever knowledge and perspective they have.
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What do you think about voting?
I don't understand why people think an individual vote changes anything. I don't mean this as an insult, I just don't understand by what mechanism my vote matters. To be clear, I am not saying you...
I don't understand why people think an individual vote changes anything. I don't mean this as an insult, I just don't understand by what mechanism my vote matters. To be clear, I am not saying you shouldn't vote, simply that one persons vote is a neutral act.
I assume that if I vote in an election my vote will literally be counted; the votes for one candidate will go from 100,000 to 100,001. In tiny elections, it is possible, not likely, for a single vote to change a result. However, arguing for a system from its top 0.1% best case scenario is a bit disingenuous. In 99.9% of elections, it does not come down to one vote.
I have also been told I should just choose the candidate that is closest to my beliefs or even put in a blank ballet. In the US, a 3rd-party candidate will not win any non-local election; in other countries, I understand that it is different, but I can't speak from personal experience. And its not like I would ever choose any of the main party candidates; some are much worse than others, but none represent my beliefs. My understanding of this idea is that what is being valued is the performance of representation, not my actual representation in the system. 'The medium is the message', or who you vote for does not matter, what matters is that you vote.
I've heard people say something to the effect of 'if you don't vote, you have no right to complain about the political system'. This idea ignores the fact that not voting is an explicitly political act. I am engaging with the system by refusing to play what I perceive to be a rigged game.
But its not like the political system changes whether I vote or not; its not like anyone can know if I voted or not, unless I tell them or wear one of those 'I voted' stickers. I've heard people argue that if everyone thought this way, then the OTHER SIDE would win. But other people's decision to vote or not isn't my responsibility.
Is there something I am missing?
EDIT:
I changed my formatting to be more clear and edited the text, as a few responses seem to have missed some of my points.
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Comment on Recommendation for new season? in ~anime
Arshan LinkMy goto under-rated anime suggestion is the Sound of the Sky. Its a slice of life story set in a peaceful post-apocolyptic world. I always need to recommend Vinland Saga, because it is my...My goto under-rated anime suggestion is the Sound of the Sky. Its a slice of life story set in a peaceful post-apocolyptic world. I always need to recommend Vinland Saga, because it is my favorcite anime. I would also throw in Astra Lost in Space; I was surprised on how just good it was.
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Comment on Coming to terms with a lifetime of depression in ~life
Arshan Link ParentI'd be interested in Fantasy Strike, especially I use Linux. I've wanted to try a fighting game for a while, since I played a lot of Super Smash Bros as kid.I'd be interested in Fantasy Strike, especially I use Linux. I've wanted to try a fighting game for a while, since I played a lot of Super Smash Bros as kid.
You didn't come off as pushy. Philosophical Daoism has been a big part of my recovery, so I am quite focused on seperating what "I" want vs what I want.
I can relate to simply feeling different from 'normal' people at a fundamental level. I have a hard time not getting angry at people who take human connection and having a feeling of home for granted. And yeah even when I try and imagine growing up in a good home, I just don't know what it would actually be like.
Either way, I appreciate all your kind words and wish you the best on the long road of living. ヽ(・∀・)ﾉ