I'm stuck and could use some help, pretty please
okay tildes here to tell suspended to leave their kid alone about discord on the school computer. that was easy advice to give! But how about a real challenge in what-should-i-do-about-the-boy? hold onto your HATS bc I've got a TOUGHIE~!
see I was tutoring this 13yo last year. He was super isolated and he still is. He deals with a range of insecurity and frustration. He leaps to conclusions and struggles with anger at the people around him, especially his mother. I used to spend time with him daily, but then I moved towns and now our contact is limited to chat and video call. We talk throughout the week but we always video call on wednesdays. His mother asked me if we could switch days, because she wants him to go to after school sessions with a math teacher who has noticed his grades falling. When I talked to him about the possibility of swapping so he could attend the afterschool, he told me that he didn't want go to sessions for dumb kids. I said I was flexible regardless so he can't use the time I reserve for him as an excuse not to go -- but I worry that his perception that the sessions are for dumb kids reflects a stigma that will prevent him from asking for help when he needs it.
How do I push back on the idea that getting extra help with school could imply that he is somehow inexcusably deficient? I sense that most of his other teachers are setting the bar even lower for him than they did last year; his take-home assignments are uniformly inane, and he knows it. How would you communicate around why it is important to try and to practice trying when so much of what is expected of him is transparently pointless? My friendship with him has become important, I think, but I worry a lot that I have no chance to guide him toward a better life and this episode has been a keen example.
This is a really good point you bring up. You noticed the bigger picture of asking for help being perceived as a weakness (especially among men). It might be a good time to have the toxic masculinity talk with this young adult and talk about the ramifications toxic masculinity has on children/ adults/ society.
Maybe ask him why he thinks getting extra help is seen as a deficiency. Have that hard conversation with him and challenge him (thought provokingly... from what you've described, I think that might be what he's craving).
In my (limited/ biased) experience, I've noticed that often times I viewed situations this way because I was taught to (it was a judgement taught to me - I am dumb. The more remedial classes I get signed up for, the more that fact is proven). (Side note: I was in many remedial classes in elementary/ middle school, had extra time for tests in college, and I'm an engineer now. Engineers are judged as being smart. I prefer not to use the labels of "dumb/ smart" at all, but I am limited to use these words sometimes to get bigger picture across. There's that cliche saying "judge a fish on his ability to climb a tree and he'll always think he's dumb", I think that applies here.)
Logically, it would be "stupid" not to ask for help when you need it. You have a cut --> go to get a band aid. Falling behind on a subject --> ask for clarification.
Lastly, those extra classes may not be because he is "dumb/deficient", it may be because the school system/ societal structures are set up for a constructed societal norm of how humans ought to be. It could be safe to say that those measures/ structures are out-dated, "inane", or "transparently pointless".
Give him alternative reasons or prove to him that expectations of him aren't inane/ pointless.
Let's get real, most of the things we do in adult life are inane and hence can feel pointless (waiting in lines, dressing certain ways, celebrations in general (no one cares you're getting married, Tracy!), etc.). But we do them anyway. Why? Because if we didn't we wouldn't be part of society, it could lead to isolation, we could end up feeling like we don't belong, etc.
I used to feel that a lot of things society does is looney. I used to tell my therapist I want to live somewhere in space, far from all these socially constructed nonsense that was expected of me/ that I had to partake in. She looked me in the eyes and told me that I lived here, on Earth, so, live here, now. I think that sparked something in my brain. If I have to live here, why not make the best of it? Daydreaming about another reality is the pointless thing. (Side note: it's good to think about improvements to society, society norms, social constructs, etc., but I think the context here is participating in school/ classes - you can't change society unless you have a good understanding of what you want to change).
There are things that I need to do. And there are other times where I can choose what I want to do. But I can't get to the things I want to do unless I do the things that I must do (brush teeth, wash my body, wear clothes, laugh on cue at a colleague's joke, etc.). I learned to accept reality as it is and accept systems as they are so that I have a better time living within that system (while still advocating for improvements). Also, I learned that life isn't just for me, other people/ creatures/ plants live here too. I may not like what my teacher is teaching, but my classmate Tom loves the stuff. There are limited resources, we have to share teachers. That doesn't mean I can't find my niche/ spark within it my course work. But it does mean that sometimes I have to be okay when times aren't so beautiful/ fun.