13th-Monkey's recent activity

  1. Comment on How to move on after a relationship? in ~life

    13th-Monkey
    Link Parent
    I think your comment is the first one I've ever had to reply to in a split screen. And "first one" includes 9 years of reddit. That's a LOT of text... I'm sorry for what happened to you. I feel...

    I think your comment is the first one I've ever had to reply to in a split screen. And "first one" includes 9 years of reddit. That's a LOT of text...

    I'm sorry for what happened to you. I feel like this is a sentence that comes easy from a lot of people, but I mean it. That sounds like the worst ride one could take, emotionally speaking. Good thing you made it, and good thing you understand that you're not responsible.

    I started taking antidepressants yesterday (my neurologist prescribed them weeks ago but I was too scared of them or didn't accept that I'm that far beyond normal, but yesterday I broke down) and I really hope the feeling of my body wanting to rip out of my skin will fade soon, because I hate it. At least I feel like vomiting and that might help getting a bit of my weight down.

    Our relationship started as a friendship and ended in one, but she was the first to speak of the end. We both knew we were living in a roommate situation with extended intimacy, but both of us feared to admit it. My mind knows that it was the right thing to split up, but my heart still refuses to accept it. I don't have the trauma that you had and I'm thankful for that. But it still hurts and I'd like to not feel it.

    what do you do for fun? What are your hobbies?

    This was the point where I realized I had a depression. I don't have fun and I don't have hobbies anymore. I'm watching youtube and netflix and care for my dogs and I get up for work. That's all I do. But I started to change it and this week was the first time in about half a year that I was able to fold my laundry and not just pick whatever I needed from the drying rack. The smaller one didn't survive that part of me, it broke down from the load of my sheets. There are still heaps of (clean at least) laundry I need to take care of, but I'm slowly starting to do so.

    Why were you in therapy in your youth?

    For my inability to find friends and the feeling like I belonged to no one. It's the same old story for decades now, but me and my wife patched up that hole in our souls for twenty years. We've both been in the same spot when we met. And she's nothing like my mother, thank god. Not like I don't love my mother, I just don't want to date her :-D

    I lived alone and in roommate situations for years before we met, but I always felt like a stone in the river. Part of it and getting wet, but still not like the water surrounding me. But at least I had friends.

    Do I feel guilt for driving her away? Sort of, I do feel like I have trouble keeping up relationships (romantic or of platonic nature) and I feel guilty towards my dogs. She's their mom still and I feel like I deprive them of that relationship. But I don't think I wrecked our marriage. I've done my part for sure, and so did she, but that's life. I don't think either of us was the worst spouse one could imagine. It's just that love came for some years and then left and looked for someone else to pester.

    I'm checkin' in with my doc tomorrow and ask for therapy. Don't know how remote therapy works, but I'm sure he can help me find it. I don't feel like sitting in public transport for half an hour each way, half of it crying. And I sure don't want to be driving while doing so.

    Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot 💖

    2 votes

  2. Comment on How to move on after a relationship? in ~life

    13th-Monkey
    Link Parent
    It seems my country adopted the idea of remote therapy while locking down and it's even fully covered by healthcare. I'll definitely try this.

    It seems my country adopted the idea of remote therapy while locking down and it's even fully covered by healthcare. I'll definitely try this.

    1 vote

  3. Comment on How to move on after a relationship? in ~life

    13th-Monkey
    Link Parent
    Oh god, I'm not going to wait ten years. I need a cuddle 😅 And I need to cut down my walks, my feet hurt. Last month my step counter was at 505k, I'm wrecking my shoes faster than I can replace them.

    Oh god, I'm not going to wait ten years. I need a cuddle 😅

    And I need to cut down my walks, my feet hurt. Last month my step counter was at 505k, I'm wrecking my shoes faster than I can replace them.

    1 vote

  4. Comment on How to move on after a relationship? in ~life

    13th-Monkey
    Link Parent
    It's a good question and one that I've thought about a lot. It's not my wife per se. I still like her as a friend. I just miss the company, intimacy, shoulder to lean on, and ear to babble to. I...

    It's a good question and one that I've thought about a lot. It's not my wife per se. I still like her as a friend. I just miss the company, intimacy, shoulder to lean on, and ear to babble to. I miss being there for someone and cooking for that person.

    With intimacy I don't necessarily mean bedroom related. More like a bond that can't be replaced by friendship.

    I miss loving someone and being loved. So much.

  5. Comment on How to move on after a relationship? in ~life

    13th-Monkey
    Link Parent
    The first part sounds like straight from brothers Grimm...

    The first part sounds like straight from brothers Grimm...

  6. Comment on How to move on after a relationship? in ~life

    13th-Monkey
    Link Parent
    I need to check this, but my country isn't known for the latest high tech solutions in IT. Only in cars. I don't see therapists as bad, I just have seen some bad examples. But if they'd be fine...

    I need to check this, but my country isn't known for the latest high tech solutions in IT. Only in cars.

    I don't see therapists as bad, I just have seen some bad examples. But if they'd be fine with remote sessions I'd give it a try. I'll check with my doc next week if he's got something on this. Thanks for the hint!

    4 votes

  7. Comment on How to move on after a relationship? in ~life

    13th-Monkey
    Link Parent
    I had a doc that had about 80% retired people as patients. If you were nice waiting for your appointment they tried to get intel to set you up with their grandchildren. They didn't believe too...

    I had a doc that had about 80% retired people as patients. If you were nice waiting for your appointment they tried to get intel to set you up with their grandchildren.

    They didn't believe too much in attraction though. You gotta eat what gets served, no questions asked.

    6 votes

  8. Comment on How to move on after a relationship? in ~life

    13th-Monkey
    Link Parent
    Huh, I realized I actually am a member of one. I just lost track when they closed their doors due to COVID. Maybe I should check if they have restarted their evening classes. I always wanted to...

    Huh, I realized I actually am a member of one. I just lost track when they closed their doors due to COVID. Maybe I should check if they have restarted their evening classes. I always wanted to learn to weld. Sewing would be helpful too. Thanks!

    6 votes

  9. Comment on How to move on after a relationship? in ~life

    13th-Monkey
    Link Parent
    A man can dream...

    Soldering or looking for problems we could geek out on?

    Both?

    I'll start the CAD, you get the unsolved issues notebook, then we'll build some sort of shitty robot 💖

    A man can dream...

    5 votes

  10. Comment on How to move on after a relationship? in ~life

    13th-Monkey
    Link Parent
    I'll check it out, thank you!

    I'll check it out, thank you!

    2 votes

  11. Comment on How to move on after a relationship? in ~life

    13th-Monkey
    Link Parent
    It was more of a joke, but now I'm intrigued to find one.

    It was more of a joke, but now I'm intrigued to find one.

    4 votes

  12. Comment on How to move on after a relationship? in ~life

    13th-Monkey
    Link Parent
    Europe. But it sounds like it could help. Thank you

    Europe. But it sounds like it could help. Thank you

    5 votes

  13. Comment on How to move on after a relationship? in ~life

    13th-Monkey
    Link Parent
    I'm not sure it's missing trust. I just don't know and understand what people want. If they communicate that I can trust, but I have a hard time finding out what I'm expected to do it not do.

    I'm not sure it's missing trust. I just don't know and understand what people want. If they communicate that I can trust, but I have a hard time finding out what I'm expected to do it not do.

    3 votes

  14. Comment on How to move on after a relationship? in ~life

    13th-Monkey
    Link Parent
    Thank you for your kind words. While they don't change my situation they make me feel less unfit to find a new place in society ... sometime. That's a start I guess 💖

    Thank you for your kind words. While they don't change my situation they make me feel less unfit to find a new place in society ... sometime. That's a start I guess 💖

    10 votes

  15. Comment on How to move on after a relationship? in ~life

    13th-Monkey
    Link Parent
    Mainly crying. No, I haven't gotten myself to accept the fact that I might need one. I know that it might help. To be honest, I hate that they all seem to settle on the other end of the city. That...

    So I would ask first, what have you done to grieve the loss?

    Mainly crying.

    Second, do you have a therapist?

    No, I haven't gotten myself to accept the fact that I might need one. I know that it might help. To be honest, I hate that they all seem to settle on the other end of the city. That would be one hour only to get there and I hate it. The last therapist I really liked and trusted died last of cancer year, but he was more of a friend tbh.

    have you explored whether you have any trauma history

    I'm not sure if trauma. I've always struggled making friends and felt alone almost my entire life. I've never felt like I belonged to any group I've been in. More like tolerated. My wife and I were each others therapy I guess. Or emotional bandaid. I've been in therapy in my youth, but I guess I didn't find the best match.

    I have had good luck connecting with people through dance

    Oh god, I hate dancing. I'm happy that you find joy in it, but I'm not the person to try. Are women interested in soldering?

    6 votes

  16. Comment on How to move on after a relationship? in ~life

    13th-Monkey
    Link Parent
    I get what you mean, but my lizard brain is triggered now and last time I've seen her I panicked and ran away. I wanted to assure her that I've understood and would stop pestering her, but before...

    I get what you mean, but my lizard brain is triggered now and last time I've seen her I panicked and ran away. I wanted to assure her that I've understood and would stop pestering her, but before I could say anything I was gone. Not sure how she thinks of me now.

    I thought about finding people via the internet (meet my wife via ICQ) but I don't know where to start. I'm afraid to create a profile.

    Reading my comment I realize women have nothing to fear from me, because I'm all fearful myself and would probably hide under a stone if anyone would be interested in me. That'll be a great future.

    15 votes

  17. Comment on How I made my web pages load 10x faster in ~comp

    13th-Monkey
    Link Parent
    Yeah, that's basically it. I had a client request to make the app/backend capable of handling bad connections. How bad? "Imagine sitting in a bunker underground without any connection. Can you...

    Yeah, that's basically it. I had a client request to make the app/backend capable of handling bad connections. How bad? "Imagine sitting in a bunker underground without any connection. Can you make it prefetch all or specific data depending on what the user wants?". Sure we can, but that'll come at a cost. Customer didn't mind the money. It was a fun project.

    7 votes

  18. Comment on How I made my web pages load 10x faster in ~comp

    13th-Monkey
    Link
    I don't think it's possible for every page to skip front-end frameworks, but I do agree that people tend to be too eager to use them. With younger colleagues I've realized they often lack the...

    I don't think it's possible for every page to skip front-end frameworks, but I do agree that people tend to be too eager to use them. With younger colleagues I've realized they often lack the understanding of the technologies they use in frameworks and couldn't implement their own styles even if they realized this might be an issue.

    But I've seen the same in the backend, so that might be a general issue, not only regarding the frontend. The database design I've seen gives me nightmares.

    6 votes

  19. How to move on after a relationship?

    ~life Ask (advice)
    Two years ago by wife and I split up as friends and while I understand it and think it was the right move, I'm still in tears and the feeling of a broken and pointless life. She moved on, found...

    Two years ago by wife and I split up as friends and while I understand it and think it was the right move, I'm still in tears and the feeling of a broken and pointless life. She moved on, found friends, new hobbies, new whatever. I still am where she left me and I don't know what to do. We've been together for almost 20 years and while I wasn't very communicative before, I sure ain't now. Even less than before.

    I tried finding new friends, but I can't really read people and seem to misinterpret everything. I've met a woman on my daily walks with my dogs and her dog loves me and my little idiot dog. We two seemed to like eachother and after a few months of random meetups I asked her if I should give her my email (because I thought that would be less intrusive than my phone) to meet for walks. I made clear that I didn't intend to hit on her, but the look on her face broke my heart. I can't really tell what it was, but it wasn't positive. Now I'm back in my hole and back at feeling alone.

    How do people move on? How can I get out of this... I don't know, terrible loneliness combined with the fear of seeing that expression again if I open up to others? I don't think I can handle this often.

    27 votes

  20. Comment on What are we in the golden age of? in ~talk

    13th-Monkey
    Link Parent
    Thanks to Dr Who, I know what petrichor is. Useless info (except if I'm meeting Amy, then I'll totally suprise her with that information), but good to know nonetheless.

    Thanks to Dr Who, I know what petrichor is. Useless info (except if I'm meeting Amy, then I'll totally suprise her with that information), but good to know nonetheless.

    1 vote