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  • Showing only topics with the tag "relationships". Back to normal view
    1. For those in marriages or long-term relationships, what do you do with mementos of previous relationships?

      I recently went through some old boxes and found my collection of mementos - birthday cards, love letters, ticket stubs, etc. - from years gone by. I'm not convinced marriage will ever be for me,...

      I recently went through some old boxes and found my collection of mementos - birthday cards, love letters, ticket stubs, etc. - from years gone by. I'm not convinced marriage will ever be for me, but I've always imagined if I were to get to that point, I'd want to show such a collection to my SO as a way for them to fully understand my story, so to speak. On the one hand, I think of it as a pretty powerful expression of trust in your partner... but I realize the potential for that to massively backfire by introducing jealousy and insecurities. At the same time, I'm very strongly of the belief that what is shared within a relationship is not to be shared with others outside it without mutual consent. I hate gossip, and have had my share of conflict throughout the years over desiring more privacy and discretion in my various SO's conversations with their friends and family about us. That means I would probably choose to leave aside certain things out of respect for my exes, but then I'm not sure if that devalues the gesture.

      Any thoughts?

      24 votes
    2. How can I tell a woman that I'd rather wait to get to know them before having sex?

      This is, without a doubt, a very contemporary problem. Maybe a decade ago women were more repressed and this situation simply did not present itself. Men are trained by society to always look for...

      This is, without a doubt, a very contemporary problem. Maybe a decade ago women were more repressed and this situation simply did not present itself.

      Men are trained by society to always look for the "endgame", which is to achieve sexual intercourse as quick as possible. I was no exception. But, with experience, came the realization that quality comes before quantity, and sex is much better with intimacy and affection.

      Nowadays, I'd rather wait for multiple dates before having sex with a woman. That's an odd position to be in, especially in a sexist culture that prescribes a predatorial attitude for men. I am expected to take the initiative at all times, to be always looking for an opening.

      It doesn't help that I have a hard containing myself. Not to humblebrag, but getting women aroused is not something I find particularly hard. Sometimes it happens inadvertently.

      I understand that I'm supposed to have a conversation about it, but this comes with its own difficulties. How can I do this without implying that...

      • her desires are wrong/despicable?
      • I do not desire her?
      • I have a lack of libido or some kind of performance issue?
      17 votes
    3. Love in the time of coronavirus?

      Following an off-topic conversation starting here: https://tildes.net/~health.coronavirus/mq7/advice_from_a_doctor_who_studied_coronaviruses_for_50_years#comment-4qi7 I thought it would be handy...

      Following an off-topic conversation starting here:

      https://tildes.net/~health.coronavirus/mq7/advice_from_a_doctor_who_studied_coronaviruses_for_50_years#comment-4qi7

      I thought it would be handy to establish that life still continues even in pandemic lockdown. One participant mentions a successful video date, and another wishes for sex.

      The questions below may be personal and sensitive - please use your best judgement in answering or refraining to do so. Usual Tildes rules of courtesy apply.

      1. If you're in a relationship, what are you doing to keep it alive and healthy?

      2. If you're not partnered, what are you doing, if anything, to date or otherwise meet your needs while everything is closed down (if this is the case where you are)?

      3. Does your idea of love or sex require physical contact?

      4. If physical contact is required, what, if anything, are you doing to stay safe right now?

      21 votes
    4. How to date when you're pushing forty?

      Semi-throwaway cause you'll see. I used to know my way around dating. I felt some control over my projected image. Witty yet humble, respectful yet naughty, interesting yet safe. Just the right...

      Semi-throwaway cause you'll see.

      I used to know my way around dating. I felt some control over my projected image. Witty yet humble, respectful yet naughty, interesting yet safe. Just the right amount. I made no promises, but relationships were never of the table — and I had quite a few. I was frank, true and kind. Telling the truth about my intentions was both liberating and effective. Ladies liked it.

      Maybe that's a consequence of age, but the shtick is not working anymore. Most women my age (and in my location) seem to expect someone more "mature", someone to marry with, or at least someone that is willing to become a father figure for their children. IDK. But I'm not that guy. Going after younger women is a double-edged sword since I'll have to deal with growing pains I have long left behind. And it's not like they're too interested in me anyway. I refuse to believe that marriage and fatherhood are necessary steps for maturity, but sometimes this seems like an inevitability. And it's not like I blame women for wanting that: it's within their right to want whatever suits them. And I want their company. I just don't want to participate in the big project.

      I do not believe in marriage, the same way I do not invest in any large project with such a slim chance of success (and for me divorce is only one of many ways a marriage can fail). I absolutely do not judge anyone who chooses to become married, but it's not for me.

      So hence the question: how to date when you're pushing forty?

      17 votes
    5. fire

      This is a reflection of what building friendships and close relationships is like for me. Mental health makes everything much harder, but I keep trying. it shines and blazes such light and warmth...

      This is a reflection of what building friendships and close relationships is like for me. Mental health makes everything much harder, but I keep trying.

      it shines and blazes
      such light and warmth
      stories told round the hearth
      cold nights kept a safe distance away
      beauty in chaotic dancing patterns
      it promises everything all at once
      no regard for consequences or the future
      just passion in the moment
      no foresight, only enthralling abandon
      its wake is ash
      empty, cold, dead
      no energy
      never burn again
      it destroys what it loves
      what it needs
      not because it wants to
      because it is
      destruction guised as passion
      
      8 votes