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  • Showing only topics with the tag "family". Back to normal view
    1. Routine and structure are very valuable to me for performing my best and achieving my goals. With my first kid on the way, any tips for getting back on track when days go "off script?"

      I was diagnosed with adult ADHD a few years ago. The first thing I focused on was structuring my schedule and environment to allow it to work to my advantage. This has helped immensely with...

      I was diagnosed with adult ADHD a few years ago. The first thing I focused on was structuring my schedule and environment to allow it to work to my advantage. This has helped immensely with improving myself and achieving my goals, I'd say even more so than medication has (then again, the meds helped me accomplish it in the first place).

      However, it doesn't take much to push me off balance. Any unexpected events (frankly, even expected ones) can derail everything, and very quickly I feel this urge to go back to bed and start it all over again tomorrow. I'd liken it to maintaining momentum. Even things like doctor's appointments or mini vacations with my wife have me returning back to my life suddenly with no idea of how to manage it.

      With my first kid on the way, I want to properly prepare myself. I've come to terms with the amount of focus and attention I'll have to give to him. In fact, it kind of sounds nice to recontextualize my life's purpose to just "keep this thing alive." However, I do have ambitions and lofty dreams that, if I'm being honest with myself, are THE reasons I get up in the morning.

      I have no doubt I'll be able to recalibrate to this new life I'm about to enter and develop a new way of living that works for me, but I am curious if anyone has some tips or bits of wisdom to help make the transition quicker, easier, and smoother. To get through my day, I need to slowly pick up a head of steam and barrel through my tasks. How can I maintain this strategy with the frequent interruptions that are inherent to parenthood?

      Thanks everyone. I'm very excited to have a mini-me.

      23 votes
    2. Perspective request: What would a healthy family do during serious physical/mental health events?

      What would your family do? What would a normal, healthy, supportive family do? (If different) Hypothetical situation 1: Two family members have had a major accident. No threat to their lives, some...

      What would your family do? What would a normal, healthy, supportive family do? (If different)

      Hypothetical situation 1:

      Two family members have had a major accident. No threat to their lives, some internal organ damage, some broken bones, not much other info is know. One of them is awake and can call/text for info, the other is in/out of surgeries and in ICU for the first two days.

      A) immediately family drops everything and fly to their destination right away?

      B) extended family do so?

      C) discuss and send one person to go right away. Then discuss to arrange for longer term recovery + rehab care after hospital discharge

      D) nothing, combo, or other ?

      Hypothetical situation 2:

      Family member is "not doing well", eg, mental health. Probably"moderate" level of suicide risk: no immediate plans, some reservations about morality and how devastated their partner would be, but constant ideation and philosophically don't see why not. CPTSD with more recent triggers of job loss and moving from away from a socially unsafe situation. Has entirely dropped out of communication with family. Their partner is reachable by phone or email or text and says the family member is not doing well at all and has ceased all outside of home activities such as getting mail, buying groceries, filling up the car or anything that involves other human beings.

      What would a normal family do?

      26 votes
    3. Ten days in December- Germany with kids: Itinerary feasibility

      Hi all- throwing myself on the goodwill of the community. I'm currently planning an approximately 10 day trip to Germany this December with my wife and our two boys (6 and 10). I am constrained by...

      Hi all- throwing myself on the goodwill of the community.

      I'm currently planning an approximately 10 day trip to Germany this December with my wife and our two boys (6 and 10).

      I am constrained by the will of the people as follows:

      My Wife: Wants to see the Christmas markets in Cologne and wherever else they may be in the cities we go through. Cologne is a must, though.

      My elder son: Is obsessed with tanks and really wants to see the German Tank Museum in Munster (Lower Saxony not Munster in Westphalia). Honestly, so would I.
      He had also really wanted to see the u-boat preserved at the German Maritime Museum in Bremerhaven so Bremen seemed like a good midpoint. It turns out the ship exhibitions are closed during winter alas. In any case I'm not closely wedded to Bremen specifically but I will need to take a day trip to the Tank Museum from a nearby city. Staying specifically in Munster seems counterproductive as it appears to be a rather small town (I'm willing to do so if anyone has good things to say about it).

      I'm stuck with these dates too, as I have to be elsewhere by the 21st for Christmas celebrations.

      Currently the broad strokes are as follows:

      10 Dec (Tues)
      AM: Land in Frankfurt 0610. Connect to Cologne via train
      PM: Check in to hotel. Cologne Christmas markets

      11 Dec (Weds)
      AM & PM: Tourist stuff in Cologne

      12 Dec (Thurs)
      AM: Connect to Bremen via train
      PM: Wander Bremen old town

      13 Dec (Fri)
      AM: Rent car, drive to German Tank Museum in Munster
      PM: Back to Bremen, check out Christmas markets

      14 Dec (Sat)
      AM: Connect to Berlin via train
      PM: Check into hotel, get orientated

      15- 18 Dec (Sun- Weds)
      See Things In Berlin (would be glad for suggestions here)

      19 Dec (Thurs)
      AM Connect to Frankfurt via train
      PM Last minute sightseeing Frankfurt

      20 Dec (Fri)
      AM Fly off from Frankfurt Airport

      Would be grateful for any feedback and/or suggestions.

      12 votes
    4. Milestone: Eldest child hits 18!

      I'm just spouting here. Today I feel old, yet I'm mid 40s. My eldest daughter today is 18. We had a family party for her yesterday and it was lovely. It's so crazy where the years go. As I sit...

      I'm just spouting here. Today I feel old, yet I'm mid 40s. My eldest daughter today is 18. We had a family party for her yesterday and it was lovely.

      It's so crazy where the years go. As I sit here, the 3.5 year old plays Duplo by the sofa on a lazy Sunday, the two other late teenagers upstairs and still not out of bed, I wonder what happens when they all leave and the house becomes peaceful.

      I have a long time to go with the youngest having arrived while I'm in the later years for having a child, he will practically grow up a single sibling. Holidays are certainly going to get cheaper in the long term.

      45 votes
    5. How did you decide on a daycare for your small child/children?

      Hello, I hope this is the right place for this kind of question. I've thought about posting it for a few weeks now but didn't know whether I should or not. My wife has recently opened a small home...

      Hello, I hope this is the right place for this kind of question. I've thought about posting it for a few weeks now but didn't know whether I should or not.

      My wife has recently opened a small home daycare. We tailored everything to what we would look for if we needed daycare for our child, which was a small class size (5 children max), fully licensed and compliant with all local and state laws (which a lot of other places aren't), plenty of safe indoor and outdoor space (including a whole damn playground), and a learning-based curriculum rather than just babysitting. We have gotten a couple of people to sign up, but are having a rough time attracting more. Some people message us to ask questions, but then never reply when we provide answers. We've tried lowering our prices a bit to get started, and we're very flexible when it comes to time and needs.

      So I'm just wondering, for any parents out there who have or have had small children and needed daycare, how did you decide on a place? Where/how did you find this place? And what about it stood out to you? Was it the price? Location? Recommendation of a close friend?

      Any insight would be appreciated, thanks.

      19 votes
    6. Anyone else who don't care much for their past?

      I'm 46 years of age. My childhood and youth and post-youth life wasn't traumatic or anything. I had an okay life. I guess I might even have had a good life. But for some reason, reminiscing about...

      I'm 46 years of age. My childhood and youth and post-youth life wasn't traumatic or anything. I had an okay life. I guess I might even have had a good life. But for some reason, reminiscing about it just doesn't feel pleasant. Some folks find talking about their past highly enjoyable. So why don't I like it? Is this normal?

      23 votes
    7. How do you deal with socialization during the Holidays?

      The Holidays by the end of the year are a time for meeting a lot of family members that we may not have seen for a long time. For a lot of people, this a joyful moment of relaxation where they can...

      The Holidays by the end of the year are a time for meeting a lot of family members that we may not have seen for a long time. For a lot of people, this a joyful moment of relaxation where they can enjoy the company of those they love. For others, this can also be a stressful period, when tensions, trauma, and insecurities related to family relationships emerge, often in unexpected ways. Different people experience those events in vastly different ways.

      Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert?

      What does Christmas (as well as other events with a component of "forced" social gathering) mean to you?

      How did you manage it this year?

      Is this usually a happy time for you? Why?

      16 votes
    8. I lost my older brother and my mother gave up

      I'll try to be brief. I lost my older brother March this year. Barely a year after I moved to the same city as him, he passed away from a bacterial infection he got in a hospital. He went for...

      I'll try to be brief.

      I lost my older brother March this year. Barely a year after I moved to the same city as him, he passed away from a bacterial infection he got in a hospital. He went for stomach surgery, everything went fine. Suddenly, a month later, this bacterial infection got to his brain and he was gone.

      It was a big shock to our family and things are not the same anymore. My parents are old, mother is 73, father is 78.

      My mother is simply just existing these days. She is barely eating and is now weighing 48kgs (105 lbs). She needed to go to the hospital a couple of days ago because she was so weak.

      She already had problems before the death of my brother. She is losing her eyesight and despite all the treatments, it does not get better. She can see up close, she can use her smartphone, but it's hard for her to recognize people if they are not right up in her face.

      She has three hernias and can't stand too much. She can get up to make breakfast or coffee, but after 20 minutes has to lie down because of pain. It does not help that she barely eats and is getting weaker every day.

      She does not want to go to a psychologist. She just says she is not crazy and won't go. I tried contacting one that can go to her house, but she says she simply won't open the door. My father is trying to convince her, but I know it won't change.

      I can understand her and I can't see what more can I do. She never had much going for her, now her oldest (and dearest) son is dead all of a sudden, she has all this physical pain going on for years, eyesight getting worse and I can understand the fact that she simply don't care for it anymore. She simply lost her appetite.

      She is going to doctors to take exams, she did a battery of tests and everything seems fine. Even her cholesterol which was problematic is fine.

      He prescribed something to help with her appetite and vitamins, but it is not the first time. Don't think this will change much.

      I don't know really what I'm asking here. I sometimes think I should do more, but there is already my father which lives with her and my other brother who is there in the same city. I already tried sending a psychologist to help her at home, I don't know what more can I do.

      I go visit every two or three weeks (i am going for christmas and new year) and she is the same way. 80% of the time lying down in the couch, she gets up to make food or coffee, go sit in the front of the house for some time, then it's time to go to bed. This is repeated every day.

      It's not like it was much different before, but at least she ate some food. There was a day that she just ate an apple and that was it.

      She goes out of the house if she needs, like going to the doctor or groceries, but avoids for any other reason.

      41 votes
    9. A rant about my father

      The whole narcissism/NPD thing gets talked about so much these days. I don't know if my father has that. But he no doubt has many of those qualities as he is extremely self absorbed, has been...

      The whole narcissism/NPD thing gets talked about so much these days. I don't know if my father has that. But he no doubt has many of those qualities as he is extremely self absorbed, has been neglectful throughout my life, and is incapable of looking inwards.

      There's a lot of back story but hopefully it's enough to say that I have had a strained relationship to my father since I came out as a transgender woman 5 years ago. Everyone else are able to use my new name and gender me correctly, like nobody ever makes a mistake anymore (and mistakes are okay in the beginning because it's new and confusing for everyone). But he continuously says the wrong thing and at times also does it on purpose if he's angry with me for whatever reason.

      So the last time I saw him was 3 months ago for a day of golfing with him and my brother, where the first few words he said to me outside of hello was calling me "drengerøv" - literally "boyass". The closest word in English is probably something like boy scout, asshole, or a gendered version of smart-ass. He wanted to get back at me for saying "hi old man" which I feel is a pretty normal thing to say to one's father and also he is 75 years old? But sure, maybe it was cheeky of me. I can see that. So I would have laughed if he called me a bitch or something. But his response was the final drop in the bucket for me because this is after so many conversations about deadnaming and misgendering these last several years. Months do pass without error, but then something like this happens out of the blue time and time again. For those of you who are also transgender, you know how traumatizing it can be. I have nightmares about him.

      So anyway the reason for my need to rant here is that three weeks ago, he texted that he wanted to come visit me, but I wrote back that I don't want to see him on account of how it went last time. He didn't reply until now, and I am just kind of in disbelief about how much of a non-apology it is. And it brings me back to the narcissism thing and something called DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. He is always the victim no matter what. If he deadnamed or misgendered me in the past, it is always "well I was tired," or "I am very stressed," never an actual apology. And sure enough, this time it isn't either - he actually did use the word apologize a couple of times, but it felt like it was in the context of him feeling bad and being depressed about it rather than truly sorry.

      He for example wrote "I spoke to my psychologist and he fully understands that I feel like shit about being rejected by you" and "I am so nervous and afraid of doing the wrong thing again".

      Do you notice how it's all about him? Blaming me for rejecting him? How terrible and awful it is for him? In the words of Emily Blunt... You don't get to commit sin, and then ask all of us to feel sorry for you when there are consequences. I just don't fucking care. I'm done feeling sorry for the man who is supposed to be a father figure. Trying to make me feel bad about his fuckups is just... ugh.

      And knowing him, he probably wasn't honest with his psychologist about the situation in the first place because he always engineers situations to make himself look good. Even at his brother's funeral, my uncle, his speech was about being the boss of a hundred people in a company back in the day while kind of making fun of how silly it was that my uncle was a communist. My father is just completely incapable of being honest with himself and truly reflect about his behavior. These are all the same reasons my mom divorced him 10+ years ago, feeling very neglected by him. Even this he managed to years later turn on its head and refer to as "the time your mother failed me", like it is just ironic how he always does this and also unbelievable that he cannot himself realize it.

      So I think I'm pretty much done at this point. I almost always have to take the high road while he just continues to do his own thing without much of a care in the world until the consequences finally catch up with him. Everything about my relationship with him the last 5 years has been awful. Even if I wasn't queer, he still wouldn't truly care about me - anytime we've had lunch or something, we only ever talk about him. He would only ask how I was doing to be polite. It got to the point that if we talked on the phone, I would time how long it took for him to start talking about himself and it was rarely more than half a minute. One time, I didn't even manage to answer, like he didn't even pause after asking the question before going on to talk about his own shit.

      Another great example of this idiocy is when I woke up from anesthesia earlier this year after having triple jaw surgery. One of the first things he tried to talk about was how lucky he was that he found a good parking spot while I was literally in the middle of throwing up blood. I had tears in my eyes and my stomach was convulsing and I looked probably the worst he's ever seen me, and yet all he does is wrinkle his nose in disgust, turn to my mom (who, being sane, of course completely ignored him) and smiling while bragging about something as mundane as parking. Who does that? What the fuck!?

      I have been typing for more than an hour at this point so it's probably unhealthy to continue lol, sorry, and thank you for reading my rambling if you actually made it this far.

      32 votes