How do you respond to sentimental gifts or requests from aging loved ones?
The topic has been on my mind lately and I'm thinking through my feelings. I'd appreciate hearing others' experiences and opinions to help with my approach.
For context, I have several close family members, including a parent, approaching retirement age. As they've been getting their affairs in order, I've been finding myself the recipient of either gifts or posthumous requests, which are sentimental to them but not me.
Its nothing outrageous. Examples of gifts are things like little decorations/mementos/childhood crafts, long held by them but which I've never seen before. In terms of requests, think along the lines of: I'd really love for you to learn X instrument because you're musical, or I'd love for you to take care of X income-generating hobby I started but you like (Im being a little vague).
I want to respect their feelings (even when I'm not overly sentimental) and help them feel comfortable as they get older, but I want also don't want to outright lie (eg, requests I can't promise to keep) or accrue things that, to me, are clutter.
How have you approached this, or similar scenarios with aging or dying loved ones? Did your opinions or feelings change as they continued to age or passed?
My personal choice in the past was to accept the odds and ends, even display them when convenient, and make final decisions about what to do with them during the estate process when you often talk with more family members. You never know who might have an attachment to what, and can give them a meaningful memento.
For things like hobbies and learning instruments, that's a bit stranger. I've had requests to learn and play favorite songs on instruments I already played, but never taking up a new instrument. If it was something like, you should take up stamp collecting, here are all my stamps, then I'd probably go with the advice above plus an appraiser. Otherwise, I would politely demure like "oh I do like how that instrument sounds, maybe someday the starts will align."
But don't accept major obligations or major space taking things you don't want. I think it's normal to see a divestment of trinkets through the family; less so pianos or furniture, unless someone really wants it. Demure saying you didn't have space, I just don't have time to play, etc.
Thank you! This more or less aligns to what I've been attempting so far, though a bit ungracefully.
The requests were a bit of a surprise, so my demuring was a little fumbled. If I find myself in that place again, I should be a bit more prepared mentally.
The trinkets/mementos, Ive held on to for now, though some things I may need to edit down over time as I really dislike clutter. I'll cross that bridge when it comes to it.
Between being an only child and having a bit of a fractured family dynamic (partially due to geography), I'm not sure I'll have much opportunity to offer items to others. But it's a thoughtful idea, and could be a way for me to bridge the gap with those I've never had an opportunity to connect with. I'll certainly keep it in mind.
Glad it was helpful.
Sometimes dolling out a few mementos, say tucked in with a Christmas card or parcel, can be a good way to divest, and build a bond with family at a distance. So long as it's not mailing out Aunt Edna's paperclips, lol.
I am a fairly sentimental person but also easily overwhelmed with clutter. I live in a small, 1 bedroom apartment so space is extremely limited. In the space of a year, both sets of parents sold their homes to downsize and my grandmother and an aunt passed away. I was inundated with trinkets, furniture, photo albums, literal scraps of paper, everything. There was stuff everywhere and I was miserable. I'm too much of a people pleaser to be aggressively blunt, but I did put my foot down on things like furniture because there was literally no room. Telling the giver this with a somewhat cheeky follow up that they were welcome to store it for me usually got the message through because they didn't want it taking up their space either. For everything else, I usually accepted the item if they pushed after my initial decline and just got rid of it later. I had a big plastic tub I'd load up and haul to the second hand store (or honestly out to the dumpster if it was just junk).
To counter the sentimental-ness, I took pictures of the items I got rid of. This had the added benefit of giving me something to share with relatives if they started reminiscing.
I'm afraid I don't have any advice for the requests beyond deflecting. I have too many hobbies and interests to take on other people's dreams. If it's something that the person requests because they always wanted to try it but didn't have the chance, I'd probably plan a gift for them, e.g. piano lessons
This is a helpful perspective, thank you. Since Im not generally very sentimental, part of my concern has been responding in away that doesn't minimize my relatives sentimentality.
It's a good reminder for me that sentimentality doesn't require holding on to things. And now that I think it through more, given that my relatives are still alive, their gifting of the items alone shows that they were OK parting with them, so they probably will understand (more than I initially thought) if I also decide to part ways with things.
I held on to the piano my great grandma gifted me before she died, because I loved her and we were very close. I stopped playing piano when I was 16 for several reasons, not the least of which was my mom using it as a means to control me and emotionally abuse me. I kept it for a long time after she died, until I moved out of my dad's place after my parents got divorced. It came with me to too many places and I felt such a huge weight lifted off of me when it was finally gone. It used to be such a special gift that I treasured that was turned into a nightmare, and I feel so free not dealing with it anymore.
I'm sure my great grandma would understand why I gave it up, even though it was a special, and sentimental gift.
Thank you for sharing this. I can understand that feeling of weight lifting, at least to some degree, during some of my decluttering efforts. Although the items I've gotten rid of didn't hold such negative associations as your piano, I had definitely felt guilt in the lead-up to getting rid of them.
In one example, I did the legwork of getting rid of most of my childhood toys at my parents house. Even though they were nothing special (standard decades-old kid toys), and I made sure my father was OK with me doing this, I initially felt a bit guilty about the idea - but very relieved once done. I donated what I could, with the hope they can now bring joy to someone else. In another example, I've been going through my old book collection to throw out (few are of quality/value for donation, and there aren't a lot of places accepting old books anymore). This one I'm still working through, as I was raised with the importance of books/reading, but still every wave I get rid of is immediately relieving.
I'm glad that you get relief from getting rid of the items that no longer hold a purpose in your life!
I go through phases of getting rid of things that no longer serve a purpose or work for me a few times a year. It helps so much to feel better.
I was on the other side of this just last week. My mother passed away and I wanted to do something for the grandkids to remember her since most of them never got to actually meet her, as she lived far away and was in hospital for most of their lives. She collected little angel figurines so I passed them out to the grandkids when we were all together, letting them choose whichever they wanted. And I said to my kids, their parents, I want to give these out for sentimental reasons, and you can keep them, store them or get rid of them I won't be offended, its up to you but I still want to give them out.
To me the value was in the occasion, the story I told about her long time collections of angels and some funny things she said about them, about a special sentimental moment to ponder her and her life, but the memento itself isn't really that important. I just hope the grandkids have some memory of the day and of her, that's all.
This sounds like such a lovely and thoughtful approach to simultaneously building and sharing memories with your grandchildren, while commemorating your mother. I think I'm with you - at the end of the day, the mementos don't particularly matter to me, but I see that the act of sharing them is from a place of love.