Krista sounds like a sage, wise beyond her years. It's one of the most astounding things in existence that we heal. Microbs, megafauna, forests and oceans heal -- and people heal. At the time we...
Krista sounds like a sage, wise beyond her years.
It's one of the most astounding things in existence that we heal. Microbs, megafauna, forests and oceans heal -- and people heal.
At the time we don't feel like it could possibly be true. How could we hug another person with the same passion ever again? How is it possible for feelings so real, so strong, so palpable to ever cease to exist or matter in the same magnitude? The trick is that feelings are temporal, whereas the person is forever. No matter how much pain we go through, that is like any arbitrarily big finite number divided by infinity.
:) but two caveats: (1) I do wonder how helpful this feels at the moment of immense pain, and (2) it's perfectly okay to leave someone since the pain of leaving them is temporary, but do remember that the person lasts forever, so leave them well and be as kind as the situation allows.
Niche thought: when we get injured so badly that we can't heal from it and we die; when our planet is ruined forever and our sun blows up to swallow earth and heat death stills the entire universe...... I look for the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come.
Honestly, I thought the advice was really good, but I'd slightly modify it. The author states a couple times in more or less words that "you will love again". This may be true for the majority of...
Honestly, I thought the advice was really good, but I'd slightly modify it. The author states a couple times in more or less words that "you will love again".
This may be true for the majority of people, especially the younger people who I assume are the primary audience of this advice, but it's not true for everyone.
When you're older, and you go through a breakup/divorce of an extremely long relationship, there's a chance that that was your last one. Pretending that it's not doesn't really help the people that go through those breakups.
I have an uncle who is in his 70s now, and he and his long time partner of multiple decades broke up a year ago. He could find love again, but he's not necessarily looking for it, and chances are that he's not going to get in another romantic relationship for the rest of his life. He seems totally fine with that though. He has hobbies, interests, friends, and his life has gone on happily. He likely just has his final relationship, but he doesn't need another one.
I think that point is important even for young people, and it would have been for me when I went through my divorce, because even though it's actually true that when you're young, and go through a breakup, chances are you'll get into another relationship, telling a young person "don't worry, you'll find someone even better soon!" kind of puts a bit of pressure for them to find someone else as soon as they can. I know it did for me after my divorce, and it resulted in a lot of stress and heartache just for me and the people I was trying to date well before I was ready to.
I think if instead I'd spent a year or two just learning to be happy on my own, enjoying my friendships and freedom, I could have avoided a lot of that.
Besides, there's always a chance that even though I was young, I wouldn't have found someone that I really love. Making my happiness hinge on that possibility would have really set myself up for misery if, after a few years of trying, I was still unable to find someone I wanted to share my life with. I think advice that focuses more on personal happiness rather than the possibility of new love would have been a lot more helpful to me.
My mom was an attorney specializing in family law (before she retired), so she has really seen it all when it comes to relationships ending. She has always said no dating for a year after the...
My mom was an attorney specializing in family law (before she retired), so she has really seen it all when it comes to relationships ending. She has always said no dating for a year after the divorce. She says it takes at least that long to find yourself again.
Not very, in my experience. But I think this is something you can only know through experience. Only by having your heart broken and then healing from it can you really, deeply understand that you...
I do wonder how helpful this feels at the moment of immense pain
Not very, in my experience. But I think this is something you can only know through experience. Only by having your heart broken and then healing from it can you really, deeply understand that you can heal from a broken heart. Having someone else tell you this just gives you facts, intellectual knowledge. That's important—it's enough to convince yourself to get up in the morning, to force yourself to eat—but it's not enough to feel better about it or less like the world has ended.
It's for this reason that I kind of think it's healthy to have a bad breakup in high school. It sucks—god, how it sucks—to go through that with not even twenty years of lived experience and raging teenage hormones and none of the grace or equanimity of adulthood, but teenagers heal quickly, even from emotional wounds, and it prepares them for the greater losses to come in a way that neither dry lectures nor beautiful poetry can.
Totally agree, many teenaged relationships are low stakes (mostly sans kids, jobs, moves, equity wealth, families and expectations) and teens meet so so so many other teens after a break up. Even...
Totally agree, many teenaged relationships are low stakes (mostly sans kids, jobs, moves, equity wealth, families and expectations) and teens meet so so so many other teens after a break up. Even bad break ups are very instructive.
It really is fantastic writing for a personal email. It's minor editing away from publishable and, as is, it's better than the edited article/post it's quoted in. It may be the first break up...
It really is fantastic writing for a personal email. It's minor editing away from publishable and, as is, it's better than the edited article/post it's quoted in.
It may be the first break up advice I've seen that might genuinely help with the emotional wasteland, if only a little. Not because it's new information (and anyway there is no rational information that can touch heartbreak) but because it'a so human.
This article reminds me a little of another article which is a timeless favourite of mine, How to Lose Weight in 4 Easy Steps. I found this at a time when I really needed it and it was very...
This article reminds me a little of another article which is a timeless favourite of mine, How to Lose Weight in 4 Easy Steps. I found this at a time when I really needed it and it was very helpful—perhaps someone else will find it useful too.
Well, originally I was going to comment that the original article would have been so applicable at the time it was written (I had a very similar experience, at about the same time and age, but my...
Well, originally I was going to comment that the original article would have been so applicable at the time it was written (I had a very similar experience, at about the same time and age, but my gf had left me).
But this would have spoken so much louder to me. It probably would have gotten me out of the gutter so much faster, except for the tossup of having the dudebros spot me and/or hit on me.
@hamefang, thanks for posting these recent topics about breakups and relationships. They're really what I personally needed right now. I hope they don't reflect something bad happening in your...
@hamefang, thanks for posting these recent topics about breakups and relationships. They're really what I personally needed right now. I hope they don't reflect something bad happening in your personal life irl, but if they do, I hope you're okay. Either way, know that these topics have been helping someone else a lot.
I'm doing alright, very well even (when compared to the last few years at least). I haven't shared these links because of myself going through something right this moment, but rather as things I...
I'm doing alright, very well even (when compared to the last few years at least). I haven't shared these links because of myself going through something right this moment, but rather as things I found impactful to read / watch in the past. I thought they might end up useful to someone here, and I'm glad to hear they did help!
I think the author truly means well, but I am a little wary of calling this good advice myself. They mistake Intensity for Truth. A lot of people stay in a lot of very toxic relationships because...
I think the author truly means well, but I am a little wary of calling this good advice myself. They mistake Intensity for Truth. A lot of people stay in a lot of very toxic relationships because of this error, or bounce from one intense, awful experience to another. I've seen it play out far too often.
Krista sounds like a sage, wise beyond her years.
It's one of the most astounding things in existence that we heal. Microbs, megafauna, forests and oceans heal -- and people heal.
At the time we don't feel like it could possibly be true. How could we hug another person with the same passion ever again? How is it possible for feelings so real, so strong, so palpable to ever cease to exist or matter in the same magnitude? The trick is that feelings are temporal, whereas the person is forever. No matter how much pain we go through, that is like any arbitrarily big finite number divided by infinity.
:) but two caveats: (1) I do wonder how helpful this feels at the moment of immense pain, and (2) it's perfectly okay to leave someone since the pain of leaving them is temporary, but do remember that the person lasts forever, so leave them well and be as kind as the situation allows.
Niche thought: when we get injured so badly that we can't heal from it and we die; when our planet is ruined forever and our sun blows up to swallow earth and heat death stills the entire universe...... I look for the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come.
Honestly, I thought the advice was really good, but I'd slightly modify it. The author states a couple times in more or less words that "you will love again".
This may be true for the majority of people, especially the younger people who I assume are the primary audience of this advice, but it's not true for everyone.
When you're older, and you go through a breakup/divorce of an extremely long relationship, there's a chance that that was your last one. Pretending that it's not doesn't really help the people that go through those breakups.
I have an uncle who is in his 70s now, and he and his long time partner of multiple decades broke up a year ago. He could find love again, but he's not necessarily looking for it, and chances are that he's not going to get in another romantic relationship for the rest of his life. He seems totally fine with that though. He has hobbies, interests, friends, and his life has gone on happily. He likely just has his final relationship, but he doesn't need another one.
I think that point is important even for young people, and it would have been for me when I went through my divorce, because even though it's actually true that when you're young, and go through a breakup, chances are you'll get into another relationship, telling a young person "don't worry, you'll find someone even better soon!" kind of puts a bit of pressure for them to find someone else as soon as they can. I know it did for me after my divorce, and it resulted in a lot of stress and heartache just for me and the people I was trying to date well before I was ready to.
I think if instead I'd spent a year or two just learning to be happy on my own, enjoying my friendships and freedom, I could have avoided a lot of that.
Besides, there's always a chance that even though I was young, I wouldn't have found someone that I really love. Making my happiness hinge on that possibility would have really set myself up for misery if, after a few years of trying, I was still unable to find someone I wanted to share my life with. I think advice that focuses more on personal happiness rather than the possibility of new love would have been a lot more helpful to me.
My mom was an attorney specializing in family law (before she retired), so she has really seen it all when it comes to relationships ending. She has always said no dating for a year after the divorce. She says it takes at least that long to find yourself again.
Not very, in my experience. But I think this is something you can only know through experience. Only by having your heart broken and then healing from it can you really, deeply understand that you can heal from a broken heart. Having someone else tell you this just gives you facts, intellectual knowledge. That's important—it's enough to convince yourself to get up in the morning, to force yourself to eat—but it's not enough to feel better about it or less like the world has ended.
It's for this reason that I kind of think it's healthy to have a bad breakup in high school. It sucks—god, how it sucks—to go through that with not even twenty years of lived experience and raging teenage hormones and none of the grace or equanimity of adulthood, but teenagers heal quickly, even from emotional wounds, and it prepares them for the greater losses to come in a way that neither dry lectures nor beautiful poetry can.
Totally agree, many teenaged relationships are low stakes (mostly sans kids, jobs, moves, equity wealth, families and expectations) and teens meet so so so many other teens after a break up. Even bad break ups are very instructive.
Age old advice, but beautifully written. It captures your attention from the first sentence and never lets up.
It really is fantastic writing for a personal email. It's minor editing away from publishable and, as is, it's better than the edited article/post it's quoted in.
It may be the first break up advice I've seen that might genuinely help with the emotional wasteland, if only a little. Not because it's new information (and anyway there is no rational information that can touch heartbreak) but because it'a so human.
This article reminds me a little of another article which is a timeless favourite of mine, How to Lose Weight in 4 Easy Steps. I found this at a time when I really needed it and it was very helpful—perhaps someone else will find it useful too.
Well, originally I was going to comment that the original article would have been so applicable at the time it was written (I had a very similar experience, at about the same time and age, but my gf had left me).
But this would have spoken so much louder to me. It probably would have gotten me out of the gutter so much faster, except for the tossup of having the dudebros spot me and/or hit on me.
That was hilarious, thank you so much for posting.
Damn that was beautiful, thanks for the link!
Aaron Bleyaert from Conan! Thanks for sharing.
@hamefang, thanks for posting these recent topics about breakups and relationships. They're really what I personally needed right now. I hope they don't reflect something bad happening in your personal life irl, but if they do, I hope you're okay. Either way, know that these topics have been helping someone else a lot.
I'm doing alright, very well even (when compared to the last few years at least). I haven't shared these links because of myself going through something right this moment, but rather as things I found impactful to read / watch in the past. I thought they might end up useful to someone here, and I'm glad to hear they did help!
I think the author truly means well, but I am a little wary of calling this good advice myself. They mistake Intensity for Truth. A lot of people stay in a lot of very toxic relationships because of this error, or bounce from one intense, awful experience to another. I've seen it play out far too often.
I thought the advice is going to be 3-2-1. Then I've reread the title.