How to handle a breakup?

I've been at the end of relationships also, and one was almost as long as yours - 9 years.

At the time I read a rather useful book, How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Harold Bloomfield, Melba Colgrove and Peter McWilliams. It was quite good, but it may be hard to get new but it's often found used and passed around among friends. That's how I got my copy.

As an analytical person, the most useful thing was realizing that what you are feeling is a normal, biological process that requires actual time for physical changes to happen, and you should let it run its course. It may not feel pleasant, but your body is going through processes that in the long run will work themselves out if you don't fight it. The most important thing you can do is to help it out by keeping to a regular routine, eating as healthily as you can and getting regular sleep.

Another thing that surprised me was once I got used to being by myself and had a routine down, I developed a new life that I really enjoyed for a few years before eventually finding my now wife. Although I wouldn't go back to that time period, I do recall that time fondly, similar to the way I recall parts of my childhood. I always tell my friends who have gone through grieving periods that I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you have the potential to start a very interesting and exciting chapter of your life that may not last all that long. Try to live in the moment and enjoy the uniquely wonderful parts of it.

It sounds like you want to be part of another long term relationship again, and I believe you will, eventually. That time will come, but enjoy the part that comes before that. It's a really a great part of the whole story of your life and I'm glad I went through mine.

That sucks, but at least lot of people have had that experience and can chime in.

What's worked for me in the past:

Keeping busy, working on projects or playing engrossing video games or getting out with friends.
Watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (when you're ready)
Having some good cries and letting yourself grieve
Thinking about times in your life where a big change you were scared of/didn't want turned out for the better

And of course, as you know, the biggest one is just give yourself time. Hang in there.

I went through this a couple of years ago. It was a also a decade long relationship. A quarter of my life. It was kinda mutual, but mostly my call. I moved across the state a month later.

IDK what you should do, but here's what I wish I'd done different. I really wish I'd immediately connected with a therapist. I also wish I'd given myself more then three months of alone time before going on a Bumble rampage that another three months later resulted in a relationship. I am not doing well, that relationship is not healthy, and I am working on an exit strategy.

My point: I hope you give yourself more time to be alone and single than I did; coupled with therapy.

Your experience may be different. Your timelines may be different. Good luck. I hope you heal faster than I do.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation

1. Minimize contact with your ex as much as possible
2. Get rid of or put away anything that reminds you of them
3. Talk about it with people who care about you and who are good listeners
4. Consider therapy
5. Find a vital, absorbing interest and then lose yourself in it

I'm sorry. All the advice given here so far is great, so I don't have much to add in the way of keeping yourself occupied and such. One piece of advice I do have is that the main ingredient is time. It really will get better with time. There will be days where it's rougher than others for sure - I went through a pretty rough breakup almost a year ago and I still have the occasional rough day - but it's definitely a net positive over time. It'll be okay, and you'll be able to look back eventually and be proud of how much better you're doing.

That is tough. I don't handle a breakup, I accept that it hurts. Accepting that which you cannot change is a step towards a more amenable state. It allows you to stop fighting, stop judging yourself for feeling this way. That won't reduce the pain but it will reduce your exhaustion.

If you have friends that are there for you, they're probably the most valuable asset you can have - just getting on discord or playing some games is great for a distraction.

If you have any personal, productive hobbies that would be another area to channel your energy too.

I personally find self-help books to be bullshit but if it works for others, that's great.

Trying to get out and meet new people, girls/guys alike, is also a great way to distract yourself if you live somewhere where there's lots of meetup events.

It's kind of tough to offer suggestions without a bit more of an understanding of what you're worried about or struggling with. If you feel comfortable to share, I think it might help with getting the most useful feedback.

I was the instigator for ending a decade long relationship. Even to me, it was kind of a shock that things had gotten where they were had and it took me months to process what had to be done. We had our fights over the years - we both had periods where we threatened breaking up with each other, although neither of us ever truly followed through. What made it difficult for me was how comfortable it had become and how easy it was to continue. While I could talk about this for awhile and from many angles, since you asked for advice I'll summarize the high level things that I believe were helpful for both of us:

• Communication. First and foremost we did a lot of communicating. I was hardly about to break up with someone I spent a decade with without explaining myself and without creating space to process emotions that they were comfortable sharing with me (of course they leaned on their family a lot) and it was important to provide a space where I was completely honest and transparent about everything.
• If you aren't already in individual therapy, go get a therapist. If you have a therapist, let them know you're gonna need extra sessions. There is so much to process after a decade and there's likely a lot you might have started unpacking but never fully unpacked or thought you moved on from that is gonna come up in the next several months.
• Similarly to therapy if you have good friends whom you have a strong emotional bond with, ask them if they have space to help you process. It can be good to have a professional, but it's also extremely healing to have folks who will just listen and validate.
• Couples Counseling. For about six months prior to breaking up and for a few months after, we did couples counseling. In some ways I didn't expect couples counseling to be able to solve the problems that were at the bedrock of our relationship, but I also knew that even if it didn't work out being able to talk it out over a period of time would make it hurt less for both of us. I highly recommend doing couples counseling even after you've broken up to help air emotions in a safe space and to continue to build trust and bond.
• I distracted myself a lot and found myself needing to find excuses to be away from home, both so that I could have space and so that I could give them space. Some of this distraction involved dating after a few months apart but not living separately yet. I wish I had waited longer to do this, as this was particularly difficult on my ex. Sometimes the ex would call and be extremely upset at me for dating when it was too soon for them to even consider dating.
• If you have good party friends pull on them to get you out of the house and thrown into environments where you'll have fun, can disconnect, and maybe even get a bit messy in a safe space (assuming they are party friends who actually look out for you).
• An emotionally expressive outlet - if you have art that you enjoy, throw yourself at it and make something.
• If you aren't an artist, go do something physical - punch a punching bag until you collapse from exhaustion, look to see if there's rooms that let you pay to just break shit, go on a hike somewhere and scream at the top of your lungs. You have pent up emotions that you aren't expressing and sometimes exhausting yourself can let you tap into those emotions.
• When I told my realtor, who helped me buy the place with my ex, he told me "I'm so sorry for you and I'm happy for you." I thought it was a really nice sentiment. He knew that it was going to be a difficult time, and he was succinctly expressing that he is aware that it's gonna suck, but he also pointed out that he was happy for what I was about to step into - a new life and a chance to do something differently. He was sad that I'd be missing out on everything great I was so used to experiencing but he was also happy that I wasn't going to be frustrated or upset or sad by what I was so used to experiencing. No relationship is perfect- it has both good and bad, and while it's easy to focus on what we've lost, sometimes we need to focus on what we've gained.
• This is more of an afterthought, but that decade long relationship and breakup taught me one of the most important pieces of information about myself and how I approach dating and it's a lesson I don't think I ever would have learned were it not for that relationship. There are beautiful things that you brought each other over the course of the relationship which will not stop existing just because the relationship has ended. I found solace in reflecting upon what we had brought each other that couldn't be taken away from either of us.
• I'm still in regular contact with my ex. Just because your relationship is changing today does not mean it has to end. If you both want to maintain some relationship, it can absolutely happen. I look back fondly on what we had together just as they do. We both still trust and love each other, just in different ways. We simply grew apart and our differences were just too much to be sustainable and happy and so I ended things so we could move on and both be happy.

I can offer two of the most powerful breakup albums ever recorded. Music helps. :)

• Prefab Sprout - Two Wheels Good
• Loudon Wainwright III - Last Man On Earth

Not sure which stage of "handling" you're at.

Some random bits of advice.

• Get friends to help with the move or packing to make/facilitate a speedy escape.

• definitely ask for everything back asap. Make a list check it twice, ask your friend to pick up. It's perhaps unfathomable now but one day you won't be talking to them anymore and maybe someone moves even further and you won't ever see that item you want back ever again

• hopefully your mutual friends situation is gonna be okay. Hopefully no kids no pets

• what /u/BeanBurrito said, really really really limit contact as much as possible, at least in the beginning. Your entire being has been wired to find happiness and ease and comfort and security and all those good things from this person who can't be that anymore. Friendship is not going to come about until the old pathways are truely completely sealed, and entirely NEW pathways of friendship form. There will be heavy withdrawal pains and all sorts of bargaining for "a hit" and all kinds of pain after that hit.

• you are not your passing feels or passing thoughts, but you are what you do. It's okay to have negative or uncharitable thoughts or feelings about your ex and perhaps their new partner: thoughts are just passing ships or planes asking your lighthouse/ control tower for permission to dock/land. Acknowledge them, then wave them away. Don't let them dock/land, and don't keep ruminating and having them circle either. It's natural for them to keep circling back on their own though -- acknowledge, send away. Choose to do something that makes you happy even thought you feel sad; choose to write something positive and true even if you have a bunch of negative thoughts.

• let work know early if things are slipping a bit. If you let them know, depending on company culture, they might encourage you to use health resources, or cut you a bit of slack instead of worrying if you're thinking about quitting on them or if it's a negative pattern. Sometimes it helps settle a manager's mind if they know this is a rough patch you'll go over and hence one they can ignorer, not a slippery slope they have to actively manage and document and try to performance improve you on.

• give yourself a year before starting a new relationship