Dating & ghosting people
I've been seeing this girl that I met on hinge for about a month and a half or so. We've hung out a couple times a week during this period, had deep conversations, gotten to know each other better, had sex, etc etc. However, I ultimately realized I wasn't feeling it, and tonight, I went to her place and told her. I was a bit nervous as I am pretty new to dating dating, and I wasn't sure how she'd take it. (My only relationship was for three years in college with someone I met through school, so I've never really gone on "dates" before, if that makes sense). She said she was a bit disappointed and surprised by this since it was going well, but she was ultimately cool about it. I stayed for a bit, and we talked about what online dating is like.
She said that she appreciated me coming over to tell her this, because I was the only guy that she's seen for about this long that didn't ghost her. I actually didn't believe her at first. But, I talked to my friends, and it sounds like this is just an accepted thing that happens with online dating?
Maybe I'm naive, but it feels strange. When you bump into a stranger on the sidewalk, you say "sorry" - but if you've been seeing someone multiple times a week for a month and been intimate with each other, you just stop texting them back? It feels like not giving someone the common courtesy of even just a text message letting them know you're not interested is almost like not seeing them as a person, even less so than the stranger you bumped into on the sidewalk who you acknowledged.
Maybe I'm just new to this, but online dating feels a bit broken. Is ghosting really as common as people seem to say it is? Am I overreacting and making a bigger deal out of this than it actually is? I'm in the bay area, is this a localized phenomenon? I'm not sure. In either case, I think I'm done touching dating apps for a while. I've met a handful of cool people through them and had my fun, but it's just exhausting. I'd rather let something happen naturally.
I guess this post is more of a rant than anything, but maybe some others with more experience than I have some useful insight to share.
That exhaustion is exactly why ghosting happens. If you're done with a person or situation and you're ready to bail, any further communication is fundamentally for their benefit. If you just leave/block/ignore, you can go on with your life. If you have that conversation about why you're not interested in going further, you're signing up for some amount of general emotional labor at the very least. If the dating pool and overall population is large enough you're never likely to interact with them again, the individually sensible choice is to ghost, no matter how it's corrosive on a social scale.
That makes sense. I'm trying to think about how I'd feel if someone did it to me - maybe a bit disappointed, but it wouldn't be the end of the world, I guess. This whole thing feels like a result of online dating making people feel more like commodities than actual people.
Other commenter are correct on ghosting, it's the sad reality of online dating these days.
You really hit the nail on the head here, because everyone feels this way (even if they lie about it) that's why a lot of people devolve into horrible habits with online dating.
I wanted to call out that what you did with that girl was a good thing, and you should keep your morals. Dating is really really hard in 2025, and finding someone who is up for something more than a casual relationship or even someone on the same wavelength is difficult. But stay strong, I promise it's worth it!
I wish you the best of luck.
FWIW I would not recommend the apps if you want long term, I'd go start some hobbies/social groups and try to meet people.
Breaking up is uncomfortable, awkward, and has the potential to escalate in a rather nasty manner. People also judge you for breaking up over the phone or text, so "doing nothing" is the path of least resistance.
It's not nice, but honestly I kinda get why people do it given how ugly breakups can be otherwise. Still for all the reasonable reasons to do it (legit fear/awkwardness/etc) there's also plenty of people who are just selfish/don't care about the feelings of others.
Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, I was really really worried before this conversation because I had no clue how it would go - and I'm glad it went as well as it did. It definitely could've gone worse. I could see someone avoiding that because it's easier to just ignore it.
Let’s not forget that there are some people out there with a very different vision of reality from what we experience. Breaks can become violent. Anyone who even knows someone who has gone through this isn’t likely to set that opportunity up for themself. Rage might be the response to a rejection. A lack of response is dragged out over a period of time, providing the opportunity to cool down.
I’m not advocating for ghosting, I generally tell the person to their face off that’s possible. I did ghost someone who ended up really scaring me. I doubt he saw himself as scary, nobody is the villain in their own story. Talking it out felt dangerous in that case.
Of course, and I'm lucky enough to have never been in a situation like that. It can be also be hard to tell how someone might react if you haven't known them for long.
I think it's more common among two groups of people. 1. Very non confrontational people, and 2. People who have been doing online dating for a really really long time.
The first group is just scared of formally ending things, and it is scary, so I understand that. It's also part of being an adult, and there's a word for not confronting your fears and doing scary, but necessary things: cowardice.
The second group is just kind of exhausted with the whole process and probably shouldn't even be dating anymore.
They've stopped viewing the people they're dating as people, and instead see them as date #28332 or whatever. In their mind they don't owe them a breakup because they're just another profile on their page who will soon be replaced by someone else. I can also understand this, but if you find yourself treating human beings as commodities, you should probably stop doing what you're doing. This group isn't very likely to find a relationship using dating apps because they're just basically using people, which is pretty selfish, and we normally call selfish people assholes.
So I'd say the reason boils down to: people ghost others on online dating apps because they're either cowards or assholes.
It's one of the reasons why, despite really wanting a relationship, I haven't used online dating platforms for quite some time. It made me feel like I was just something to squeeze attention from, not a human being looking for connections. Didn't help that the last girl I briefly dated confessed to me that she only did so out of FOMO.
Unfortunately, the dating market is very much treated like that - a market. It sucks. :\
Met my current partner of years on the apps - so I’ve had an overall good experience with it.
It’s true, especially early on, people are prone to ghosting. If you’re just casual dating and both seeing other people then in that situation, ghost away I guess and you’ll see them at a bar later and be weird about it then maybe have sex again and then whoever got ghosted the first time will do ghosting revenge and this pretty much is what college is for a lot of people. Some people never grow out of it.
I’ve had “the conversation” and I’ve also just tried to disappear and I can’t say that either goes particularly well - but it’s definitely worst to string someone along or let your uncertainty be their problem, just going silent is better than being ambivalent and prolonging the inevitable, but just telling someone you’re done… if your toe is rotting it’s going to hurt to cut it off but if you wait and be weird about it you’re gonna lose your foot. Best outcome is just confronting it.
Unfortunately most people don’t learn how to navigate that stuff while they’re dating. When they figure it out, they come out of the dating pool pretty quick.