How should you prepare for the end of the honeymoon phase?
I have been dating a woman for coming up to 4 months, after matching on Hinge. I am completely head over heels for her, as is she for me. Due to respective childcare obligations, our physical time together is limited, but we text constantly, have frequent video and phone calls, and make an effort to find small, snatched windows to be together after bedtimes when geography and schedules allow.
I feel extraordinarily connected to this woman; our relationship has been characterised by laughter from the very first message on Hinge, and the time we spend together is both a) an unbridled joy, and b) doing that annoying thing where hours feel like minutes. I am fully aware that this is just a part of being in the honeymoon period, and that we haven't gotten into the more mundane parts of being in a long term relationship yet; but that they are inevitably coming down the line. However I could very much see this being the last relationship I ever have, inshallah. So I want to try and lay the groundwork for stability and security into the long term while we're still in the honeymoon period, with the idea being that when it ends we've got a strong foundation upon which we can move forwards.
I know you can't plan relationships, that every relationship is different, and that life has a way of throwing enormous curveballs your way. But as best I can, I would like to ensure that when the magic of the honeymoon ends, we have built something that will enable us to transition into lasting love. We've already talked in broad terms about things such as when we would meet each other's kids; the vague direction of the relationship in terms of living together, marriage, additional kids, and so on, but without timelines; and a little about our respective love languages and attachment styles. That all feels like simply sounding out compatibility, so I would like to know, what are the other conversations we should be having? Are there specific things that you wish you discovered or realised about your SO during the honeymoon phase? Is there something that we as a couple should be doing now to make our lives easier and better later on?
I wouldn't overthink it. It sounds like you both care deeply about each other and are able to discuss your feelings openly and willingly. I know couples who seem like they have never left the "honeymoon phase" because they just click that way. I know other couples where their relationship almost seems more like a business arrangement, but that doesn't diminish their love for one another. Your dynamic will be specific to you and her.
To answer your question more directly, I would just say to continue to be open and honest with her. If something is bugging you, tell her. If you want to have a discussion about something serious, make time to do it. As long as you stay empathetic, be patient, and be ready to listen, you won't even notice the honeymoon phase "end," you'll just comfortably transition into the next stage of your relationship, whatever you two decide that may be.
I'm working on that, haha!
We do have good lines of communication already, and I have been practising being up-front about things as and when they occur. Which is new (and slightly challenging) for me, but it's proving to be very rewarding. We've been very open with each other from the outset.
Let me know if you ever figure it out 🙃 I think its a natural response when we have things we care about. Keep fighting the good fight.
I have been in a relationship for more than 30 years. Here are some thoughts, for whatever they are worth.
I think the honeymoon phase is more about biochemistry and you projecting your imagination onto a person. Because your hardly know them, and there's a lot of chemical stuff going on that makes you a little crazy. Over time, the chemical reactions decrease in intensity and you start replacing fantasy with experience. I think some people blame the decrease in chemicals on the other person or falling out of love but really it's just biology. If you are addicted to that chemical surge, then a long term relationship is not for you. If you are looking for a long term relationship, don't stress about the chemicals. Do pay attention to how the real experience with that person is unfolding and like others have said, be really really honest with each other. If they are not holding up to the fantasy you projected on them, don't blame them for that, just explore whether the person you are now coming to understand is someone you can really appreciate and if your lives enhance each others.
I would say the end of the honeymoon phase is just one of many times your relationship may undergo a significant evolutionary change. Being completely open and willing to respectfully talk and really listen about the hard stuff will greatly increase your chances of making it through together.
Very much agree. Ive been married for 36 years and in a relationship for over 40 years. Unfortunately (or quite fortunately depending how you look at it) that is with two different wives so I think Ive experienced the highs and the lows. The pheromones and the crazy chemistry happened both times. What was different was the level of commitment. My first wife was in it til she wasn't. She loved the image of me, the ideal me she made up in her head but she didnt love nor accept the real, flawed, imperfect me. When things got tough, she pulled back, went into her shell and never came out again. And eventually what we had died of malnutrition til she handed me a divorce.
My second wife knows and accepts and loves ALL of me and I know and love and accept all of her. We are committed to our marriage 100%. She is committed when Im the most wonderful, kind and loving husband in the world, and also when I'm an irritable, argumentative, bitchy pain in the ass. And that's what makes being a relationship with her so amazing. I can just be me and still be loved.
The chemistry stuff still happens, its just much less frequent when you get to our age but its still there on occasion. But it really doesnt matter. Because we're in it for the long haul, holding hands and doing life together til the very end. Wouldn't have it any other way.
My experience was that the end of the honeymoon phase was a smooth transition.
I would however test how well you do together for long periods of time when bored or annoyed. A road trip can do this or doing taxes together or ... There are many options.
Likewise pay attention to how well or badly she treats other people, especially service staff. I got burned once falling in love with a man who habitually complained that people were doing him wrong. Eventually he turned on me.
I recommend canoeing together into the wind in water that is too shallow on a hot summer day (a bit specific, ask me how I know).
But seriously, pay attention to how they respond to stressful situations.
Also realize pay attention to "negative" patterns1 and think about whether you are okay with that for long term. It's not that people can't change, just that 1) you can't make them change and 2) there is no guarantee they will decide to change or change in the way you want.
My wife and I played toughbcooperative games like Overcooked and Keep Talking And Nobody Explodes when we were dating. They definitely tested our ability to cooperate and showed how we operate under stress! The ice levels in Overcooked could definitely have ended a weaker relationship lol.
Awesome! My wife and I played a lot of Catan while dating (like, an unhealthy amount), but I don't think it was much of a test of our relationship.
I think being both cooperative and stressful are the keys with those particular games. They're a good way to judge how well you two do relying on each other under pressure... and how well you handle getting frustrated with each other.
We've played some competitive board games together in our time together but none have stuck around as habits for just the two of us. We're fine with competition but tend to only play competitive stuff when in larger groups than just the two of us.
Could you say more about negative patterns? I'm not necessarily sure I understand entirely what you mean.
I'm not @first-must-burn but what they refer to as negative patterns seems to me to describe something like incompatibilities. Points of friction between your personalities and preferences.
As an example, I like to rant about things that frustrate me in small ways. Even if I'm not seriously upset, over-acting my frustration is something that I find emotionally cathartic sometimes. My wife is someone who gets super anxious and clams up when she's around someone who's angry. Neither of us is wrong to feel that way, but to avoid hurting each other due to these conflicts in our personalities, we need to be mindful of them and work together on understanding each other without either one of us expecting the other to change.
@sparksbet nailed it. Things that are negative not because they are inherently character flaws, but because it's incompatible with their partners needs/wants/ways of doing things.
Anybody can tell you "you shouldn't be with this person because they cheated on their last three partners and pathologically lie about everything." But you are the only one who can decide "do I want to be this person if it means having to struggle to get them to go out because of their social anxiety".
I will admit, it's really hard to imagine what 20 years of that looks like, or maybe how that manifests when it means they don't want to take your kid to other kids' birthday parties, so you are always stuck doing it. But I think that's the core of the advice I am trying to give – think about how they are and try to extrapolate it out, and see if it's something that is a deal breaker for you.
Of course, most things will be "it depends on too many things to guess, but I'm fine with it so far". For those things, you have to watch as time progresses. There is no question that both they and you will change in ways that neither of you can predict. I think it's about committing to being in touch enough with them that you are changing together. It's surprisingly easy to take the other person for granted and grow apart when you get busy with work, kids, etc.
I know there was a whole movie about it haha, but I cannot imagine taxes as a team effort!
I've read that there is research indicating that the head-over-heels phase can last 1.5 years. During that time your judgement about the other person can be impaired.
It sounds like you are already prepared in knowing there will be a bump when reality sets in.
Be honest with each other when problems come up.
Look at how the two of you solve problems when 1 or neither of you are at your best. If problem solving functions well when under those circumstances that is a good sign.
re: Are there specific things that you wish you discovered or realised about your SO during the honeymoon phase?
My mother and the man of her dreams broke up -- the reason? One of his kids and my sibling didn't get along to the point where they didn't think they'd ever be able to live together.
While I was a kid and have no clue about any details beyond that and I assume there's things they could have tried but didn't... I just wanted to mention it as it will be important to discuss this possibility and how you might handle if it comes to pass. E.g., would you both feel the need to tough it out thinking your blended family would be able to deal with it? Would you be okay living separately until the last of the kids move out?
Here's some other things you may want to consider.
@0d_billie Happy for you both! 🥰 DialecticCake gave great questions for setting relationship boundaries. I've also asked these questions in the past. In addition, I would discuss whether both parties are pausing or deleting their online dating profile.
For the long term, I asked my friends and family for advice. These were their tips, which I included in my discussion:
This is really wonderful advice, thank you. Those questions you linked sound like a really interesting place to begin, so I'll digest that a little today.
I really like the idea of "always dating," and while it's been tricky to find and make time for each other around schedules (and the impending summer holidays will not help with that), we've been striking a good balance of actual date-like activities with more casual, unspecified hanging out.
Well this has just given me The Fear. It's given me something to think about though, and to talk to her about. As have your other suggestions for topics to consider.
I'm sorry to be the cause of any fear but I'm happy to have helped.
I think in my mom's case -- we never lived together with her partner and his kids, but if we had, over time it may have worked out. And family counselling could have been an option too. Along with lots of reassurance for the kids. Change after all can be difficult.
I think the main thing is to talk about it and realize it could be a tough transition (or could be smooth!).
I reject the premise.
I've been with my partner for over a decade, and we are both giddy with excitement the moment one of us comes home from work. We plan dates every weekend, and spend time together every evening, while simultaneously making plenty of time for our own individual hobbies and projects. There was no honeymoon period; the beginning was more difficult than now with financial, familial, and time constraints that just aren't present anymore. The excitement and joy the relationship brings is far greater than it was a decade ago.
I don't know that there is any magic formula. If you like talking to each other and both continuously treat each other with love and respect I don't see why you wouldn't like them even more in a few years than you do now.
This is really sweet, and honestly it's something I hope I can replicate!
I am in a 14-year relationship. The transition from being obsessed to being where we are now was a process that took place over many years. It's less like we passed out of one stage and into another, and more like the percentage of time we spent thinking about each other gradually fell to a sustainable level.
For me, that early-relationship obsessiveness is kind of hard to deal with; it can feel suffocating sometimes, and it can make it hard to do other things that I want to do. So I was pretty eager for our relationship to establish to the point where I could have a life and an identity outside of it, where I could focus on self-care needs, where I could still bond with other friends and family, and so on. I do reminisce about those early days because it's a special kind of experience that you only get once, but I certainly wouldn't trade a lifetime of that to a lifetime of what I have now.
We still have our obsessive moments (they feel kind of like falling in love again for the first time), but they are not constant and inescapable. It's more like we have an evening now and then where we are completely focused on each other and accidentally stay up all night chatting (like every night used to be when we started dating). The rest of the time, we still love each other, but not in that hyperfocused way; we can, for example, quietly pursue different hobbies in the same room and just enjoy each other's company passively. I really like that.
I think many relationships fail when the obsessiveness wears off because the obsessiveness was the only thing holding them together. Such relationships should fail. I think we succeeded because there are so many reasons to be together beyond just romantic attraction; we are also best friends, handle stress in a compatible way, trust each other completely, are always on the same team even during a disagreement, etc. We have hundreds of different reasons to be together, not just one reason that overrides all.
For me, the honeymoon phase didn't suddenly end but rather slowly evolved, too slowly for me to really notice. My now-wife and I got stuck together due to the start of covid when we were at about your stage. I do think suddenly living together for 5 months unplanned was make-or-break for us, but I wouldn't exactly recommend you emulate that.
First, hell yes! There isn't much in life that's better than where you are right now.
As others have said, communication is the most important thing. It's one of those annoying cliches that is completely true. In the honeymoon phase it feels like communication will be easy forever but it eventually takes conscious work. It's often easier to not say the thing. Or to not let yourself really hear the thing.
When the chemicals start to fade, be intentional about the relationship. You get it all for free at first, but eventually it helps to curate the narrative. Look for opportunities to feel lucky, be engaged, show affection and so on.
About the chemicals... They're addicting. And over time you come to rely on them. You can end up feeling bitter about the high not being as bright. Like they're failing to give you something. It's not necessarily conscious, and it's a normal brain response to addiction. It's easy to counteract but only if you're conscious of it.
Returning to communication, talk about all of it, including the impending honeymoon expiration. Talk about how you'll communicate when stress and baggage and daily life make it hard. It doesn't really matter if the strategies you come up with are good are bad, the important bit is being intentional about the relationship together. Real partnership is quieter than the honeymoon but in so many ways it's a replacement that improves on the original.
My recommendation is communication. I was afraid like you of not feeling the head-over-heels, goofy grin love that you have right now. I was right, it did fade, but that wasn't a bad thing. We found a routine of what makes us both happy and how to deescalate when stress takes its toll (or lack of food)
All of this comes from open communication. Leave as little as possible to assumptions, as knowing what your other half thinks on important relationship matters not only level sets expectations, but also allows for them to feel like you care about their opinions and feelings ( to which I assume you do)
Finally: even after the new relationship boost wears off, don't forget to nurture and maintain the bond though small acts of affection. Physical contact, affirmations, small gifts (favorite foods, small flowers, things that make them smile) are always important. Don't drown them in affection, just do enough to remind them they are loved. Also, don't neglect date night. Even after you've been together years, setting aside time for the two of you to go out on a date helps. I stand by the idea of date night and have found it a huge boon to my marriage. I encourage anyone reading this that's in a relationship to try it out and see the results!
Looking back, I think the main thing that has made my long-lasting relationship last is focusing on and aiming to be the best person I myself can be. I know that's a very broad and vague thing to say, so, to make it slightly more specific: I settled on (found? gravitated to?) a specific religion/philosophy, learned what it had to say about how people should be and what they should do, and then strove to follow that. I think almost all the problems and struggles in our relationship came from one of us behaving in ways they ought not to have.
So, yeah, I guess my advice is: shape your conscience, and listen to your conscience, and strive to be good, even (especially?) when some of your inclinations are not to be. Then, I think you're ready to deal with almost any trial or tribulation in the relationship that comes. Even if it comes down to breaking up, it would be mutually agreed, with both of you at peace, and not feeling malicious towards the other.