How to deal with (apparent) loss of love?
I'm not sure if this is the place to discuss, but as a lurker in this community of sensible folks, I'd love reading your stories and opinions on this matter.
Let me clarify that this loss of love is not due to anyone's death. Perhaps just the same however, since they do not reciprocate your love and warmth anymore, for reasons completely unclear.
The case in point now is this: I'm 25M single and an alone child. I've spent most of my life searching for bondings that nurtured my emotional being. Finding a home for my emotions has been a major theme across different parts of my life. I was lucky enough to be bestowed with a cousin (20F) whom I could meet (at best twice a year, at worst once) and bond over the text otherwise, offering solace and comfort as if from a like-minded sibling. Whenever I needed a sink to pour my love, it was towards her. All was well until I met her yesterday, the meeting for this year (we live continents apart and we know these meetings are limited); I felt I'm distant, and I was invisible on a deeper level to her. Nothing we talked about was related to our well-being as we used to. It was all about the boys in her life, Instagram likes, and other such superficial things. It was as if she didn't know what I care about (I'm not even on IG).
I wasn't sure how to approach this. In general, even with a few friends, I've always had a hard time with an apparent loss of connection. How can you demand love from someone (Rhetorical; one shouldn't)? How should I let them know that the things were better and I want that? I mean nobody can force love. Should I accept (too hard to do) that those bondings have run their course?
Sorry for the emotional dump, and feel free to edit. Thanks for your thoughts.
I don't 100% know your situation, but this is a standout to me:
If those are the things she's talking about, they're not superficial. They are important to her, so try to engage her with what she's interested in. She's a complete person, view her as such. She's sharing things with you. Accept them for what they are and at face value. No sense in judging her for what she chooses to share with you. That is, if you want to maintain a healthy connection.
Also, don't demand love from people. If they want to give it to you, they will. Demanding love from them is not a loving act on your part. Love is not an exercise in reciprocation.
I would advise against "finding a home for your emotions" in others (if I'm interpreting you correctly: you're searching for emotional relief from others). That's not what relationships are. Thinking about people as an outlet or means of expressing your emotions leads to toxicity. You are the home for your emotions, not them.
The way this post reads to me is that you want others to give to you, but I don't see a lot of giving on your part. Calling her interests superficial is an indicator of this, to me. Nobody has superficial interests - it's unhealthy to look at people that way.
The part about your cousin being a "sink" to pour your love into...that doesn't sound healthy for either of you. It sounds a bit like she's an emotional outlet for you. This isn't a good way to treat people. Consider it a good sign that she still talks to you - there is still a relationship there. But there won't be if you blow off what she's sharing with you.
I'm sorry if I come off sounding negative or rude, this isn't my intent. Maybe I've wildly misread your post, and if I have I apologize for it. But this post reads to me like you need to look inward at how you view others.
I've had a couple relationships in my life where I thought similar to this. It was wrong of me to see people this way. It only leads to toxicity, pain, and hurting others. It's a bad road to travel down.
Look inward here - others not validating your emotional outpouring is not what is causing these feelings of loneliness for you.
Thank you for a wonderful answer. I realize there's more to learn and correct on my end. For the sake of clarity, let me expand.
You're absolutely right. They are not so superficial overall, and I should be understanding more than judging. I shouldn't have used the word superficial. Perhaps, I was expecting more towards if she is happy in life which she had told me she wasn't a couple of months ago, and we used to do this introspection together as if we it was us versus the problem. We never got to that part this time, and I felt something was at a loss. But, you're right, I respect her for what she chooses to disclose.
Definitely not. The question in my text was rhetorical. Nobody should demand love. It should stem from inside.
This is the major takeaway for me. My emotions reside within me. Sometimes I feel the need to share them, but often find nobody connects at that level. I might attract downvotes for this, but as a man, I've found it hard to find solace by opening up. But yeah, relationships aren't for that, I should understand.
Atleast to my cousin sister, I've given it all. I've been her closest friend (in her own words) since she was 14. From what she has told me, I've motivated her in the worst of situations. Apparently, seeing me makes her happy. For the trauma she has undergone, I found a therapist and paid for her therapy (not very common in my country to seek a therapist). But you're right however - I shouldn't judge her interests as superficial.
True. I came off as bit too strong there with those words. We both used to share each other's stories of the past year from when we last met. We both were each other's "outlet" (and both have others to share our stories as well). I'm not treating her like a therapist of any sort.
Definitely. Perhaps, I should consider therapy.
The previous post gave some excellent advice, though I think that there's another dimension to explore here, and I'm going to gender it a little to make a point.
Men don't have the same cultural pipeline that women do to recognize, understand and experience their emotions. While different from culture to culture, your sister-cousin likely has female friends who she can talk to about love, pain, trust, and a society that generally encourages that.
Growing up for men is generally a different story - there's little accepted language between boys for expressing these things and it can be terribly isolating and really stifle the boys' emotional development.
Your post reminds me of what it was like to navigate these feelings as a teenager and into my early 20s, and if I was to offer advice, it would be to work on your emotional foundation little by little. Therapy is a great way to better understand your own emotional world and get you thinking about how to recognize which emotions you're feeling, how to process them and how to thrive, both when you're happy and when you're sad.
Simple rules that I prefer to follow are:
Relationships change and sometimes don't serve you or the other person quite like they once did. Instead of interpreting it as a slight, recognize that all things change, and that new opportunities (to embrace it or to move on to other relationships) are part of your teens, 20s and early thirties. Things slow down later and trust me, you'll long for the days of change again.
Learning to better understand yourself is important work that's never too late to start, but far more worth starting early than late. Take chances, learn lessons and don't forget that there's a whole lot of people out there looking for the kind of connection that you're offering. Start showing off the beautiful and unique person that is you.
Thanks for the advice! Means a lot to me when you consider this angle too. As I accept these changes and learn my lessons, hopefully I draw like-minded people.
Good luck. That whole stage in life felt pretty lonely for me, though as I put myself out there and began talking to new people about my experience growing up in an honest way, I learned that it's universal. Everybody goes through it in their own way.
All the best.
I'm sorry if my post came off as antagonistic or sharp. Rereading it this morning, I put a lot of blame at your feet and came on pretty harsh. I'm not in your shoes and there's always more to a person than can be conveyed or inferred through a forum.
It's hard to form emotional bonds and it's extremely difficult to see those bonds dissolving. I can't feel exactly what you're feeling right now, but I can say I've been in a similar spot, and the emotion turmoil is hard and dark to push through.
An alternative perspective is that sometimes people drift apart and that's just life. Time and distance is a bitch. You change in one direction, they change in another, and nobody is to blame. I don't think it would be wrong if you to let a relationship be what it is, even if that "is" is a slow drift apart.
I'm a straight woman. I wouldn't trust someone with information about my love interests if I didn't feel a connection. (Personally I have been married a long time, but if I were single)
This connection/relationship is not solely about who she is for you. It is also about who you are for her. She is twenty. As she gets older she will likely have more ability to give if you don't drive her away. Have you read any developmental psychology?
You are investing in long term trust. Make your investment now and hope it pays off.
You're right that she doesn't share such information with everyone. Moreover, I'm probably the only one in the family to know such details of her otherwise very private life.
I hope I've been a brother she never had. In her words, I've been instrumental in getting her out of trenches in the worst days. However, I understand I cannot be entitled to her love.
I have not read any developmental psychology. Do you have any recommendations?
I am not convinced that your conclusion that she no longer loves you is correct.
Regardless, you both have a lifetime ahead of you for your relationship to deepen. Don't give up.
I am not an expert on developmental psychology. I just know people grow and change at different life stages
One thing I’ve learnt is that there are some people who I prefer to chat to online and some who I prefer to see in person. Some of my good friends are people that I almost never message but I love seeing them in person. The opposite is also true.
Perhaps you and your cousin feel more comfortable talking online?
It could also be that either you or her were having a bad day and didn’t feel like talking about more serious topics.
Relationships of any kind take time and need to be given many chances. A negative interaction doesn’t mean that it will always be negative, but this requires effort on your part to not give up.
In the end, if you see that it isn’t working the only thing that has worked for me is acceptance. Being grateful for the time you spent together and accept that things don’t last forever.
Who knows you might reconnect in a few years.
This comment brought tears. Thanks for your words.
You make an excellent point: she is much more expressive while chatting online. Perhaps, she is too shy to display them in person?
Hopefully, we'll reconnect in the future.
One thing I've learned is that you can't have both unconditional love and unconditional relationships, the only exception being very young children who require it from their parents.
Your story makes me wonder, what was your childhood like? You mention having no siblings, but was there emotional warmth with your parents? And with that, I don't mean that they took care of your physical needs, did you feel bonded to them?
Whenever I think about my childhood, I feel lonely. I feel I didn't have anyone of my age to connect to. Both my parents had to work to keep us out of poverty. But, I often feel that I didn't receive the usual affection from my parents. They did provide me with every material aspect of life, but I barely remember many bonding experiences. Their way of showing love was providing a roof and food, not through physical touch or gifts. This is why I'd always wanted a sister.
I was afraid of an answer like this to be honest, I'm really sorry. When I was reading your post I could almost sense a certain anxiety or stress towards bonding. If you could, this article, what are your thoughts on these attachment styles?
I think I've the anxious-preoccupied attachment style. I've definitely seen myself over analyze situations. I've also noticed my low self-esteem and its repercussions. That article explained a lot in simpler words, thanks.
I should work on moving to a secure attachment style.
Sounds like the meeting didn't turn out the way you had expected it to, and that can be very very disappointing, especially if you had been waiting all year to reconsolidate that connection.
Can you give us an example of why you felt distant? Like, you felt she was distant or that you were? And when you said you felt invisible, what happened? What was it like before and what changed?
Do a little comparison with last year or even your remote chats:
How much time was spent talking about things YOU care about vs what SHE cares about? And division of time on activities: who proposes activities and how much of the time do you spend doing them together?
Some of the deepest chats that made lifelong bonds were about boys and girls, on social media platforms of the day. I just stayed up till 3am talking to a friend I hadn't seen in person for a year, and yes it was about "boys" - her sons, my husband, her husband, our dads.... sometimes chats about boys IS heavily substantial conversions we only choose to share with those very very close to us that we feel safe to share with.
Relationships can and sometimes do eventually run their course: they can change direction, they can evaporate. But they can also sometimes go deeper underground where we say slow waters run deep. Or they can just be hovering less substantially and all come on out pouring down suddenly when two people reconnect.
So don't write it off yet. Do a bit of search and figure out what happened?
Thanks for sending me down this road.
The meeting felt distant because I feel like she shielded her emotions and struggles which she had revealed over the remote chats and said to be discussed when we meet. Also, there wasn't even a single question on if I'm doing well. I've commented elsewhere too that we used to introspect whenever we met, like a ritual, about the things in our lives. And find some resolution (together) against the problems we faced in our individual lives. That component was out of bounds this time. I couldn't understand nor could I bring myself to ask her.
What we did the entire evening was shoot around 50 photos of only her (unlike the previous years, where she used to yearn taking selfies with me -- I used to feel so loved and included) followed by choosing which ones should she share on IG with what song and caption combinations etc. This went on for about three hours, where towards the end, I felt a little alienated. While I'm okay with all that, I thought the real meat of these meetings was the satisfaction of having furthered a deeper bonding. I missed that this time.
I proposed activities to roam around the city we were staying in and figure out nice places to dine. She chose to stay in and scroll through some reels on phone. This took me by surprise too. On her day of leaving, I proposed taking pictures of us both, for the sake of memories. She agreed reluctantly. We used to give a heartfelt hug before bidding goodbyes. Nothing of the sort this time.
While I don't think this one ran it's course completely, all of this is difficult to wrap my head around. I don't want to give up after all. I understand I come across as too harsh in my judgement, perhaps. But that doesn't make it any less painful for me.
Social media can be addictive, which is its own problem
Here’s an idea to just maybe try on… I know that there have been times when I’m (straight male) struggling with something that I don’t want to or can’t deal with… and someone I love knows about this struggle… I’ll pull away from that person out of a fear of letting them down or being made to face or talk about a thing I just don’t want to.
Aka - maybe it’s more about her than you? Did this visit feel like she was what I call “armored up”? Steering you away from those deeper connections? Maybe she felt like it was all she could handle this time (face-to-face anyway).
Maybe try keeping the more intimate and harder stuff just online?
I encourage you to have a conversation with her. Because until then you, and everyone else here, is just guessing at what is going on.
The other advice here is good, but communication between the two of you will be necessary to maintain or heal a relationship.