I struggle with this a lot, because I've never been a relationship where there was outright abuse and manipulation that was easy to identify, but I've been in countless relationships where my...
I struggle with this a lot, because I've never been a relationship where there was outright abuse and manipulation that was easy to identify, but I've been in countless relationships where my personal and social life got co-opted and restructured around another person.
It's really hard to identify the line between my habits and personal enjoyment being compromised to accommodate another person in my life, and those habits and personal enjoyment being completely overriden in a desperate attempt to keep my partner happy.
There have been many times that I just start feeling guilty where I do the things that I enjoy doing (personal technology projects, video games, hanging out with my friends) because of subtle cues that my partner gives out that expresses her disapproval or annoyance of those things. Little comments like "oh, you're going to play games again? That's fine, have fun." or "oh I didn't realize you were planning on going out tonight. I guess I'll just read my book." Then over time, I start doing those things less and less to avoid that guilty feeling and maintain my image of myself as a good partner who cares about my significant others feelings, and before I know it, I haven't seen my friends in months, I don't have any hobbies, and my free time consists mostly of sitting on the couch watching things I'm not really interested in, and doing things my partner wants to do.
Even though I know that somewhere along the way, there's a line between being selfish and setting a healthy boundary where my personal time is protected, it's extremely hard for me to identify exactly where that line is.
Like, is it selfish to want to play an hour of games when I get home from work? Is it selfish to play two hours? Three? Is going out for a beer with my friend on a Friday night every couple of weeks instead of hanging out with my SO selfish? Is hanging out with friends once a week selfish? Three times a week?
It's really hard for me to assess this stuff from my vantage point so I tend to err on the side of doing the thing I don't really want to do at a given moment, but which would make my partner happy, and it's like a death by a million cuts. After a few months, I find myself just not having anything for myself, and with a lot of resentment towards the situation.
I wish there was a way for me to be a little more objective about assessing that sort of thing.
I am in what I would consider a relatively healthy marriage and believe my wife and I have found a good balance. I'll give my thoughts with the caveat that everyone's relationships are different...
I am in what I would consider a relatively healthy marriage and believe my wife and I have found a good balance. I'll give my thoughts with the caveat that everyone's relationships are different and there's rarely a one-size-fits-all solution to this.
The old trope is true: good communication is the most important part of a healthy relationship. Most of the issues we've had were from not talking it out, or not communicating expectations then being disappointed when minds weren't read.
This is also with the understanding that my wife and I are both older, have been thru a few different long term relationships before, and carry baggage from those experiences (including trauma from my wife's past/childhood). These are just part of us and can be worked on thru self reflection or therapy but the scars remain.
Little comments like "oh, you're going to play games again? That's fine, have fun." or "oh I didn't realize you were planning on going out tonight. I guess I'll just read my book."
Lol this hits a bit too real. I've been in several long term relationships and never not had this experience, including with my wife (whether that speaks to the types of partners I choose or just the nature of relationships I'm not sure). One thing it took me time to realize was that I was always accepting of my partner's requests to go out with friends, but she'd often act blindsided or disappointed when I asked to do the same. I had to sit her down and discuss it, explaining how I felt it was unfair that she gets a free pass but I never seem to. We agreed that we'd ask in advance and then there'd be no judgment or disappointment. I'll simply tell her I'm busy Friday night. It doesn't matter if I'm bowling with the guys or playing Pacific Drive by myself, I got the pass and I'm taking my time.
Then over time, I start doing those things less and less to avoid that guilty feeling and maintain my image of myself as a good partner who cares about my significant others feelings, and before I know it, I haven't seen my friends in months, I don't have any hobbies, and my free time consists mostly of sitting on the couch watching things I'm not really interested in, and doing things my partner wants to do.
I'm in my 40s. Part of this is legitimately a slow loss of yourself, of what you value and enjoy, of what makes you you. But also, part of this is just... getting older. I have more responsibilities than ever, I'm constantly driving my kid around or doing maintenance on the house or spending time with my wife. My friends all have lives and are busy too. Plus I'm just more tired lately.
Everything in moderation. I don't feel it's selfish to take a night per week to game or drink or whatever, but if it was three or four days per week? Yeah, that would come at the cost of my relationship with my family.
Talk with your partner, and find a balance that works for you. And push back on passive aggressive comments about "oh, you're going to play games again?..." Yeah, I am! This is my time to do what I want.
Have you tried asking them about how much time and attention they want from you? It might be less than you're giving. And if they explicitly ask for too much are you comfortable telling them it's...
Have you tried asking them about how much time and attention they want from you? It might be less than you're giving. And if they explicitly ask for too much are you comfortable telling them it's over your boundary? You should have enough experience to have some rough idea of where your boundaries are. You should look to your friends that have relationships you'd like to emulate and poll them on how much time they spend with friends vs. their SO.
Yeah, I've had those types of conversations before, but it always feels whiny and childish when I propose it. Probably need to work on my delivery so it doesn't come off as "how much is the...
Yeah, I've had those types of conversations before, but it always feels whiny and childish when I propose it. Probably need to work on my delivery so it doesn't come off as "how much is the MINIMUM time you need from me to not get pissed so I can hang out and play video games for the rest of it".
It might be more healthy to establish the minimum time you need for yourself first, and then meet the needs of your partner. Seems like the issue might be that you don’t know what your needs are,...
It might be more healthy to establish the minimum time you need for yourself first, and then meet the needs of your partner.
Seems like the issue might be that you don’t know what your needs are, you’re not sure what exactly the minimum time you need is. Would be a good exercise to figure that bit out
Your time is like a cake. Treat it as you were sharing. Have the other person cut the cake, and then you decide which piece is yours to do what you want with.
Your time is like a cake. Treat it as you were sharing. Have the other person cut the cake, and then you decide which piece is yours to do what you want with.
I linked this video to a friend who is going through a difficult break up, I hope it helps her. The last conversation we had was about the million reasonable reasons why they shouldn't be tougher....
I linked this video to a friend who is going through a difficult break up, I hope it helps her. The last conversation we had was about the million reasonable reasons why they shouldn't be tougher. A lot of it covered by the video. But then after saying all of that she says: "But I don't know, we might make it through". So frustrating. I understand where she's coming from, it's difficult and they have dogs together and had just bought a house. I told her she is obviously her own person, but that after everything she said getting back together didn't sound very healthy. We'll see how it goes.
As someone else going through it right now, I've been so grateful that we don't have a house or kids and she doesn't want to take our two cats with her. I don't think I'd be remotely in as good a...
As someone else going through it right now, I've been so grateful that we don't have a house or kids and she doesn't want to take our two cats with her. I don't think I'd be remotely in as good a place emotionally today if I had to contemplate losing them too (and the good place I'm in emotionally today still entailed crying when I saw a race car in the puzzle my niece was putting together bc my soon-to-be-ex-wife loves F1). I really wish your friend the best and hope the practical side of things goes as smoothly as possible for her so she can grieve and recover without that stuff making it worse.
Thanks so much for your reply! I'm glad the practical side of things is not that complicated in your case, but the emotional part always sucks. I hope you can process your grieving as well as...
Thanks so much for your reply! I'm glad the practical side of things is not that complicated in your case, but the emotional part always sucks. I hope you can process your grieving as well as possible and I hope you have a good support system there to help you through it. I know, calling it grieving sounds extreme, she's not dying, but from your side it might feel that way. A person (and their family and friends) who was there won't be there anymore.
Honestly I've drawn the comparison myself -- it feels very much like that for me. In the first couple days I felt like I would've preferred if she'd died, since at least in that case there...
Honestly I've drawn the comparison myself -- it feels very much like that for me. In the first couple days I felt like I would've preferred if she'd died, since at least in that case there wouldn't be a simulacrum of her left in her place. I don't feel quite that way anymore, but I think grief is an absolutely accurate word to use.
I struggle with this a lot, because I've never been a relationship where there was outright abuse and manipulation that was easy to identify, but I've been in countless relationships where my personal and social life got co-opted and restructured around another person.
It's really hard to identify the line between my habits and personal enjoyment being compromised to accommodate another person in my life, and those habits and personal enjoyment being completely overriden in a desperate attempt to keep my partner happy.
There have been many times that I just start feeling guilty where I do the things that I enjoy doing (personal technology projects, video games, hanging out with my friends) because of subtle cues that my partner gives out that expresses her disapproval or annoyance of those things. Little comments like "oh, you're going to play games again? That's fine, have fun." or "oh I didn't realize you were planning on going out tonight. I guess I'll just read my book." Then over time, I start doing those things less and less to avoid that guilty feeling and maintain my image of myself as a good partner who cares about my significant others feelings, and before I know it, I haven't seen my friends in months, I don't have any hobbies, and my free time consists mostly of sitting on the couch watching things I'm not really interested in, and doing things my partner wants to do.
Even though I know that somewhere along the way, there's a line between being selfish and setting a healthy boundary where my personal time is protected, it's extremely hard for me to identify exactly where that line is.
Like, is it selfish to want to play an hour of games when I get home from work? Is it selfish to play two hours? Three? Is going out for a beer with my friend on a Friday night every couple of weeks instead of hanging out with my SO selfish? Is hanging out with friends once a week selfish? Three times a week?
It's really hard for me to assess this stuff from my vantage point so I tend to err on the side of doing the thing I don't really want to do at a given moment, but which would make my partner happy, and it's like a death by a million cuts. After a few months, I find myself just not having anything for myself, and with a lot of resentment towards the situation.
I wish there was a way for me to be a little more objective about assessing that sort of thing.
I am in what I would consider a relatively healthy marriage and believe my wife and I have found a good balance. I'll give my thoughts with the caveat that everyone's relationships are different and there's rarely a one-size-fits-all solution to this.
The old trope is true: good communication is the most important part of a healthy relationship. Most of the issues we've had were from not talking it out, or not communicating expectations then being disappointed when minds weren't read.
This is also with the understanding that my wife and I are both older, have been thru a few different long term relationships before, and carry baggage from those experiences (including trauma from my wife's past/childhood). These are just part of us and can be worked on thru self reflection or therapy but the scars remain.
Lol this hits a bit too real. I've been in several long term relationships and never not had this experience, including with my wife (whether that speaks to the types of partners I choose or just the nature of relationships I'm not sure). One thing it took me time to realize was that I was always accepting of my partner's requests to go out with friends, but she'd often act blindsided or disappointed when I asked to do the same. I had to sit her down and discuss it, explaining how I felt it was unfair that she gets a free pass but I never seem to. We agreed that we'd ask in advance and then there'd be no judgment or disappointment. I'll simply tell her I'm busy Friday night. It doesn't matter if I'm bowling with the guys or playing Pacific Drive by myself, I got the pass and I'm taking my time.
I'm in my 40s. Part of this is legitimately a slow loss of yourself, of what you value and enjoy, of what makes you you. But also, part of this is just... getting older. I have more responsibilities than ever, I'm constantly driving my kid around or doing maintenance on the house or spending time with my wife. My friends all have lives and are busy too. Plus I'm just more tired lately.
Everything in moderation. I don't feel it's selfish to take a night per week to game or drink or whatever, but if it was three or four days per week? Yeah, that would come at the cost of my relationship with my family.
Talk with your partner, and find a balance that works for you. And push back on passive aggressive comments about "oh, you're going to play games again?..." Yeah, I am! This is my time to do what I want.
Have you tried asking them about how much time and attention they want from you? It might be less than you're giving. And if they explicitly ask for too much are you comfortable telling them it's over your boundary? You should have enough experience to have some rough idea of where your boundaries are. You should look to your friends that have relationships you'd like to emulate and poll them on how much time they spend with friends vs. their SO.
Yeah, I've had those types of conversations before, but it always feels whiny and childish when I propose it. Probably need to work on my delivery so it doesn't come off as "how much is the MINIMUM time you need from me to not get pissed so I can hang out and play video games for the rest of it".
It might be more healthy to establish the minimum time you need for yourself first, and then meet the needs of your partner.
Seems like the issue might be that you don’t know what your needs are, you’re not sure what exactly the minimum time you need is. Would be a good exercise to figure that bit out
Your time is like a cake. Treat it as you were sharing. Have the other person cut the cake, and then you decide which piece is yours to do what you want with.
I linked this video to a friend who is going through a difficult break up, I hope it helps her. The last conversation we had was about the million reasonable reasons why they shouldn't be tougher. A lot of it covered by the video. But then after saying all of that she says: "But I don't know, we might make it through". So frustrating. I understand where she's coming from, it's difficult and they have dogs together and had just bought a house. I told her she is obviously her own person, but that after everything she said getting back together didn't sound very healthy. We'll see how it goes.
As someone else going through it right now, I've been so grateful that we don't have a house or kids and she doesn't want to take our two cats with her. I don't think I'd be remotely in as good a place emotionally today if I had to contemplate losing them too (and the good place I'm in emotionally today still entailed crying when I saw a race car in the puzzle my niece was putting together bc my soon-to-be-ex-wife loves F1). I really wish your friend the best and hope the practical side of things goes as smoothly as possible for her so she can grieve and recover without that stuff making it worse.
Thanks so much for your reply! I'm glad the practical side of things is not that complicated in your case, but the emotional part always sucks. I hope you can process your grieving as well as possible and I hope you have a good support system there to help you through it. I know, calling it grieving sounds extreme, she's not dying, but from your side it might feel that way. A person (and their family and friends) who was there won't be there anymore.
Honestly I've drawn the comparison myself -- it feels very much like that for me. In the first couple days I felt like I would've preferred if she'd died, since at least in that case there wouldn't be a simulacrum of her left in her place. I don't feel quite that way anymore, but I think grief is an absolutely accurate word to use.