How do I cope with/recover from divorce?
My wife of 3 years just told me last week that we're getting a divorce. It completely blindsided me, as there was no marriage counseling or communication about the marriage having problems from them before this, but I can't say I don't understand at least some of their reasons. They made it clear that there was no fixing things or repairing the relationship. They're leaving no matter what I do.
Other than the suddenness, they seem pretty willing to be amicable and compromise as needed, at least to an extent. We won't be able to properly separate for a while it seems like, though it's hard to predict the exact timeline at this stage. I'm currently planning a too-expensive last-minute flight back to the States to stay with my family for a little while, since I need some distance and they can be a source of comfort.
I can obviously hire and rely on a lawyer for handling the legal side of things (which will be complicated, to say the least), but I'm truly at a loss for how to handle it emotionally. I'm in my late 20s but I've never even been broken up with before this. Go hard or go home, ig. I hope there are others here who have good advice to share for this situation, because I don't know what to do now that the bottom has dropped out of my life like this. It feels like my whole future is gone. I was in a bad depressive episode already and obviously that's not been improved by this.
(Also, if one of our closer mutual online friends who lurks here is finding out this way -- sorry, she owns the Discord server so I can't exactly bring this up there. I welcome DMs from y'all.)
I'm only going to add my own little part here having never gone through a divorce but plenty of breakups. They are so, so tough so be patient and kind to yourself.
Right now is you time. It's time for your support network to take care of you. It's ok to be selfish. It's ok to withdraw, folks will understand. I always find that leaning into the sadness can be cathartic - like laying down in a dark room and putting on headphones with music that speaks to your emotions - and then as others have said finding fun outlets so you're not just stewing in it. It'll take time to process but it's important for moving on.
I'm sure right now you feel old. You're not. You're still in the prime time to meet partners and have plenty of time if you want to have kids. I felt hesitant to break up with a partner at 29 because I worried about being "over the hill". I'm 35 now, and holy shit was that crazy! Being in your 20s is still so, so, so young. And, think about how much better you know yourself, your priorities, and your personal ethos than when you and your ex first got together.
I know from our conversations what a community minded, empathetic person you are. Someone is going to absolutely score with you and it's a shame your ex couldn't see that. Take some time to revel in yourself, lean on your family and friends, and use the time to figure out what it is you want out of the next few decades.
This is a great point and speaks to something I felt at the time. At any age you will find wonderful compatible people. It's a big ocean and an age and past life experiences are just what you make them. In the hundred of dates I went on, only one person was turned away by my "divorcee" status and years later she reached out to say some very nice things.
First off, I'm sorry. It is difficult, confusing, lonely, and can challenge you in unexpected ways.
I had my divorce around the same age; I was 28-29 when we separated and the paperwork went through the next year.
Find new friends or develop friendships that weren't "realized" before. I had a group of friends whom I partied with a bit. I reached out because I needed a place to celebrate thanksgiving. Since then they've become a true found family. We live across the US but always find a way to spend several days back in one place together.
"Hit the gym bro" tongue in cheek of course. But finding a physical outlet for whatever anxious energy and emotion you have is invaluable. Upside is whatever hit your ego has taken will hopefully be diminished by the fitness gains. This is how I found powerlifting. My sister showed up, told me I needed to go to the gym, showed me how to squat, bench, an deadlift. I'm not as good at sticking to it as I'd like but I love it and it's a regular source of happiness for me.
Figure out your "Great Work." You don't need to find religion or anything. But if you don't have some type of meditation practice, try developing one. Try reading religious texts... religions are founded on them for a reason. An external perspective is valuable. I'm not religious but there is beauty to be found there.
Get out there and meet people asap. Dating sucks but the potential and possibilities can be fun. Rip the bandaid off and just try things out.
Huge +1 on hitting the gym. When my first wife passed away, going to the gym every morning before work and every evening after was one of the few things that let me tread water while healing.
The gym became a form of self-medicating. That's not great. But there's only so much grieving you can handle before it's just self-abusive.
which religious texts do you recommend? Can what you are describing be found in other literary works?
I don’t recommend any in particular. I recommend what interests you.
Yes what I’m describing could be found elsewhere. The value I saw in it was the act of reading as reflection. Poetry and scripture can be read in the same way. Something like Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations can be read similarly. But religious texts carry the baggage of history to me that is equally as interesting; it might turn off others.
In this instance I think reading Annie Dillard's Holy the Firm could be helpful, maybe not what notcoffeetable had in mind, however as a non religious person I found the book to be incredibly well written. I think about it a lot ever since I read it for a class in undergrad. It is a newer take on Walden. I might be lost in rose colored glasses, but I think its worth checking out!
Remember three things.
It's okay to feel. Feel it all. Be honest about what you're feeling and look for why specifically you feel that way. Lonely? Is it because you're missing the previous 'expected' companionship or because you're genuinely missing contact with other people?
It's okay to feel nothing. Maybe you have people telling you how sorry they are and how bad you must feel and you don't feel any of that. It's okay. Like you said, you just got blindsided. It might be days or weeks. You might think you're fine and then something hits you that you didn't expect.
Think about yourself, what you did right in the relationship and what you could've done better. This will help you grow from the experience.
To be blunt but hopefully not too harsh, I've had mouse pads longer than your relationship. Yes, the future you planned with her is gone. The good news is you can always make new plans. Decide on one thing you want to do and do it. Not "something she wouldn't let you do", just something you want to do.
What is a hobby you have?
IMHO maintaining connection to the rest of your world is key.
Spend time with your family.
Spend time with your friends.
Dog sit.
Especially when you're not in the mood to socialize.
Watch a bunch of Brene Brown videos on connection and vulnerability.
Take time to grieve, but stop before it morphs into suffering.
Find and engage with a therapist. Talk it out with them. You didn't see it coming and didn't get the outcome you were hoping (and hopefully working) for. There's opportunity for real personal growth in that.
just my 2 cents.
Luckily I'm already seeing a therapist regularly, so at least there's that. They'll earn their wage at our next session, that's for sure.
Just being able to talk with a therapist during my divorce was enormously helpful to me, so I’m glad to hear you’re doing that.
I don’t have a ton of advice to offer, but I will say that in my case I eventually came to realize that it was for the best that my then-wife wanted out. If the marriage isn’t working it isn’t working.
I get along well with my ex (which is a very good thing since we have a child together) but I’m glad I’m not married to her anymore. All in all I think we weren’t really suited to each other, and it was a mistake to have gotten married in the first place.
It's sooooOOOOoooo much better already having a therapist you're able to connect with and trust. I'm excited for you.
For anyone else reading this - the time to get a therapist is when things are going well. They'll help you continue to have things go well. They'll help you to recognize, appreciate and enjoy things going well. Possibly most importantly, they'll help you shorten the amount of time you spend feeling bad about, repairing and recovering when sometimes things still do go wrong.
I wish I'd understood that 30+ years ago.
The comment that finally got through to me to seek therapy was something along the lines of:
World class athletes are surrounded by coaches and trainers and sports psychologists. Its statistically unlikely that you've got any where near the natural talents, physical gifts, and mental acuity they were blessed with. So why would you think you don't need and wouldn't benefit from coaching/training/psychological guidance when striving for the goals you care about?
Honestly, just wanted to post and say I'm sorry to hear. This is a small community and I recognise you. It's very sad to hear you got blindsided.
I've had similar experiences and it does feel like your entire world just gets destroyed in an instant. I'm sorry!
On the plus side, it will be OK. It might never feel like it's going to be OK, but one day you will grieve properly and you will come out the other side and it will be OK again.
My greatest condolences. The time I had a blindsided breakup (not marriage, just dating) was the worst to me because I didn't have a chance to do anything to fix it. The lie in that feeling is that I could have fixed it - I can't control the person leaving, and it is not necessarily true that things could or should be fixed.
My other advice comes from being the child of a long-time family law attorney:
Note: I'm speaking from a US perspective, and even then, every state is different. If the marriage happened outside the US, it's doubtless even more complicated, and you may need a lawyer where you are and where the are too.
Just sending you my thoughts and an ear or shoulder if you need one. I'm also quite good at kicking people in the shins and running away so, let me know how I can help sib.
I'm seconding this. I don't have any advice or relevant experience on this subject, but I'll happily listen to a vent or help gas you up if you're feeling low. @sparksbet I recognize you as a commenter who is typically very kind, and iirc we have some experiences in common wrt immigration and queerness. I think you've got more expertise than I do with both topics, but if you want a listening ear that can empathize on that level, I'm happy to be that person.
I hope the trip back to the states gives you what you're needing right now.
I'm so sorry.
When my 13 year relationship ended, at first I felt like I couldn't breathe. We weren't officially married but that was just because neither of us believed in marriage. We were completely committed in spirit. But sometimes that spirit breaks due to irreconcilable differences and at least in our case, we are better off as friends and I know now that it was the right decision.
What helped me get over the initial shock was one book in particular: Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher. As soon as I started reading, I felt I could breathe again. I have the original version that was published in the 1970's (if memory serves) and some of the content is therefore a bit outdated, but not in a way that would hinder healing. There are updated versions available (the revisions are made by other people, not Fisher himself), but I haven't read those.
This book takes you through a journey of analysis and healing, one bit at a time so that it's easy to go at your own pace. It may be particularly helpful if there are acute question marks wrt the relationship that ended, such as not having been told why. At the end of each chapter there's a questionnaire you can fill out to see your progress. It was helpful to see that some things that initially felt impossible to achieve actually did start happening over time. I came out of this process a more complete human and I am now even grateful that the breakup happened, as hard as it was to go through.
Wishing you all the best.
As I've never had a relationship(want one but I've had so many strings of bad luck it's not even funny) I can't pretend to understand how you feel or give advice... But, I'm just so sorry you're going through this. I know you already had, and maybe still have, a lot on your plate - and I can't imagine this makes it any easier.
Take care my friend.
The best advice I have is to look for resources on coping with grief. Also, it will take a long time for the pain to subside.
Unwinding shared friend and social groups and figuring out what will change is an additional ongoing challenge.
People survive hard things but this is hard. Best wishes.
Very sorry to hear that. I recall the shock of being handed an unexpected divorce quite clearly and that that was almost 20 years ago.
I recommend finding a local DivorceCare group (https://www.divorcecare.org/) in person or online. They are generally found in churches and meet in the evenings, but you dont have to be religious to attend and the group sharing and wisdom will be beneficial to anyone facing the challenges of a marriage breaking up.
You also dont have to be divorced yet, you can be in the beginning stages and there will be people from pre- to post divorce stages, as well as the facilitators who have been through divorce. In my experience, its a very open and welcoming group and the weekly sessions are very helpful in learning the stages of divorce, especially working through all of the feelings and emotions involved, and all of the challenges that will come up in the process.
I gained some valuable friends there at a time when I was very lonely and vulnerable and it's VERY helpful to hear from others who are going through the same thing and be able to share (or not share, depending on your comfort level) how you're feeling with some group wisdom in dealing with emotions and all of the difficult issues that come up with separating two lives.
You're not alone, that's for sure. Just take it very easy on yourself right now - you WILL get through it and life DOES get better again.