CeeBeeEh's recent activity
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Comment on Should I be friends with this person? in ~life
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Comment on Pride Month at Tildes: #8 - What are you worried about? in ~lgbt
CeeBeeEh Link ParentThat sounds exactly what we need, as we're definitely almost nearly always okay, which maybe makes it worse when it's not(?) My partner and I have a bunch of diagnoses between us: the ADHD, ASD...That sounds exactly what we need, as we're definitely almost nearly always okay, which maybe makes it worse when it's not(?)
My partner and I have a bunch of diagnoses between us: the ADHD, ASD alone ("but wait there's more!") means we'd greatly benefit from an outside perspective on how the other processes the world. I'll look into it, thank you
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Comment on Pride Month at Tildes: #8 - What are you worried about? in ~lgbt
CeeBeeEh LinkI previously shared that I'm the asexual partner of a very high libido partner. I'm worried that our cycles of quiet discontentment ---> open communication --> renewed caring for each other's...I previously shared that I'm the asexual partner of a very high libido partner. I'm worried that our cycles of quiet discontentment ---> open communication --> renewed caring for each other's feelings and differences --> easing of disquiettude would eventually prove to wear one or both of us down.
I don't want to suggest that this is the only sort of energy mismatch that a couple could experience. Perhaps other couples struggle with wanting to be out / staying in, or wanting to spend / saving money, or wanting babies / remaining DINKs, or faith differences, or spending too much / not enough time with either side of their families, or time with close friends, or travel vs staycations....etc.
The "correct" thing to do is to love each other in every other way where there isn't a disconnect, and to celebrate joy, celebrate each other, and celebrate being able to cry together.
But on rough days I wonder if sexuality is something much more central than that, and that the fact that I consider it a normal difficulty hurdle is precisely what makes it an insurmountable one.
For my part, it's difficult for me to hide how weary I am becoming of these cycles. Again? Why is this even such a big deal? And that attitude is exactly what hurts. And I give in to despair, that no matter how safe and happy and secure I feel in a relationship, I could be surprised by discovering the love of my life has reached another breaking point.
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Comment on What have you done to conquer your fear? in ~health.mental
CeeBeeEh Link ParentCould you maybe expand on this a bit more? I could really use some insight from the other side, both from the partner with CPTSD and from someone who's made it out. Were there points where your...I've had to own that my traumas have a very real impact on her. I've had to be vulnerable about what I'm experiencing and actively seek validation/invalidation from her how those experiences align with her internal states.
Could you maybe expand on this a bit more? I could really use some insight from the other side, both from the partner with CPTSD and from someone who's made it out. Were there points where your spouse wanted to give up, or at least had occasional thoughts of, giving up? She's probably undergone a lot of changes and ups and downs with you, I guess.
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Comment on Discussion about asexuality, demisexuality, and allosexuality in ~lgbt
CeeBeeEh Link ParentThat sounds really nice and I'm so glad it worked out for you guys :) please feel free to share reactions from friends and family. With myself, no one else knows other than my spouse, and he's...That sounds really nice and I'm so glad it worked out for you guys :) please feel free to share reactions from friends and family.
With myself, no one else knows other than my spouse, and he's kind of not really getting it either.
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Comment on Discussion about asexuality, demisexuality, and allosexuality in ~lgbt
CeeBeeEh Link ParentI'm so thankful for everyone who's chipped in to this topic :DI'm so thankful for everyone who's chipped in to this topic :D
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Comment on Discussion about asexuality, demisexuality, and allosexuality in ~lgbt
CeeBeeEh Link ParentTotally agree on the label being something not defective or negative being a wonderful thing. I'm so glad online dating makes it possible for Aces to find each other!! I think that if more kids...Totally agree on the label being something not defective or negative being a wonderful thing.
I'm so glad online dating makes it possible for Aces to find each other!! I think that if more kids understand what's going on with them is normal, and that they just gotta find folks who also sing at their tempo, there will be far fewer relationships where someone is always in pain from having to push and the other is also in pain from being pushed.
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Comment on The summer box office crisis: Is the sky really falling this time? in ~movies
CeeBeeEh Link ParentExactly, I love film but I don't love theatres anymore. Here are a few reasons that I place at least some of the blame on "capitalist oligarchy" society: Too much entertainment, too little time I...Exactly, I love film but I don't love theatres anymore. Here are a few reasons that I place at least some of the blame on "capitalist oligarchy" society:
- Too much entertainment, too little time
I work too many hours and I'm too tired to go out when I'm finally off work. I'll just fire up any number of free 10 minutes entertainment options at my disposal and fall asleep.
- Financial displacement
I loved loved loved going to the movies with my friends but I can no longer afford to live in the same city as them. Also, I live 1.75 hrs from either of the two theatres closest to me.
- I can't hear the dialog
Until there's on screen captions, I'm really honestly better off at home.
- To many options, too little money
Similar to number 1, but specifically about how many streaming things already demand my money. If I've already paid good money for a streaming service and I haven't already exhausted their catalog first, I'm Wasting Money™ and my mom would come back from heaven to wag her finger at me. (Actually that would be awesome. Hi mom!)
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Comment on Discussion about asexuality, demisexuality, and allosexuality in ~lgbt
CeeBeeEh Link ParentI hope this isn't coming across as insensitive to allosexual friends, it's just a musing and I would love to hear more perspectives. I like having few needs and I love feeling secure in being able...I hope this isn't coming across as insensitive to allosexual friends, it's just a musing and I would love to hear more perspectives.
I like having few needs and I love feeling secure in being able to acquire them without assistance or dependence on time from anyone else, without fluctuations in prices or supply issues, without market influences, where my needs don't become gnawing or pronounced over time, and not due to algorithmic manipulation or SEO or advertising, and I love that I can't be tempted to make bad decisions (in this arena) that could totally derail my life.
"Thrill seeking" is also absent in me. Which I am also thankful for.
There's probably an equally powerful and positive influence that I'm missing in return, I'm sure. But it feels like playing on Easy mode at least in this one regard.
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Comment on Discussion about asexuality, demisexuality, and allosexuality in ~lgbt
CeeBeeEh Link ParentThat's a beautiful beautiful memory, kfwyre......thank you so much for generously sharing your friend's memory with me. Losing a friend is like.....going to watch a movie together and you made...That's a beautiful beautiful memory, kfwyre......thank you so much for generously sharing your friend's memory with me.
Losing a friend is like.....going to watch a movie together and you made plans to go get desserts afterwards, and looking forward to chatting all night until dawn.....but then they got called away on an emergency half way through the second act, and now I'm alone in the theater with our other friends.....and we won't get to hear what what the departed friend thought of the movie, nor be able to share all those other activities we planned.
It made me cry reading about his being loved and accepted for who he was. So many people have to deal with "no you're not X you can't be X stop calling yourself X (subtext: because that reflects poorly on me and threatens my self image, and I can't even see you for your own person despite this being a deeply personal thing for you)"
Thank you for the bear hug and the story. Really, really needed that.
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Comment on Discussion about asexuality, demisexuality, and allosexuality in ~lgbt
CeeBeeEh Link ParentWoah!!! Cosmic coincidence big time :D Thanks for sharing my first Aro Visibility Day togetherWoah!!! Cosmic coincidence big time :D
Thanks for sharing my first Aro Visibility Day together
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Comment on Discussion about asexuality, demisexuality, and allosexuality in ~lgbt
CeeBeeEh Link ParentOh absolutely on topic (erh, for me....) and an extremely valuable perspective -- my relationship has definitely seen a huge change in recent years and we're both reeling from it and trying to...Oh absolutely on topic (erh, for me....) and an extremely valuable perspective -- my relationship has definitely seen a huge change in recent years and we're both reeling from it and trying to understand how to readjust again......
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Comment on Discussion about asexuality, demisexuality, and allosexuality in ~lgbt
CeeBeeEh Link ParentThat's how I feel about sex -- I'm probably not deriving the same level of primary enjoyment from the activity as they do, but their feelings of satisfaction and comfort etc are a result of what...if others are capable of experiencing that feeling and are likely to experience that feeling in response to what I put into a relationship, does it really matter all that much that I don't experience the same feelings that they do?
That's how I feel about sex -- I'm probably not deriving the same level of primary enjoyment from the activity as they do, but their feelings of satisfaction and comfort etc are a result of what I'm bringing to the relationship, so....
You've given me a lot to think about. :) thank you for sharing an interesting perspective that I don't usually get to hear about.
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Comment on Discussion about asexuality, demisexuality, and allosexuality in ~lgbt
CeeBeeEh Link Parent:D I love this moon story! Maybe the chaperone thought y'all were being Japanese and poetic about the moon being beautiful:D I love this moon story! Maybe the chaperone thought y'all were being Japanese and poetic about the moon being beautiful
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Comment on Discussion about asexuality, demisexuality, and allosexuality in ~lgbt
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Comment on Discussion about asexuality, demisexuality, and allosexuality in ~lgbt
CeeBeeEh Link ParentIs it also okay to just self identify as Ace-spec and leave it at that? I don't really very much know, and maybe it's the wrong label if I pick one without knowing all the others.....Is it also okay to just self identify as Ace-spec and leave it at that? I don't really very much know, and maybe it's the wrong label if I pick one without knowing all the others.....
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Comment on Discussion about asexuality, demisexuality, and allosexuality in ~lgbt
CeeBeeEh (edited )Link ParentI think....and obviously I don't know this first hand just my understanding of it. I think that sex is really central to how allosexual people think of themselves and how they relate to their...in a heterosexual relationship where I was constantly being asked for sex
I think....and obviously I don't know this first hand just my understanding of it. I think that sex is really central to how allosexual people think of themselves and how they relate to their intimate relationships. Eg, a relationship where two people have lots of sex is coded as a good one, and one where they don't is a bad one. And so maybe on their part when they don't seem their partner initiating as frequently as they do, it drives a different and opposite anxiety of "do they care about me as much as I care about them".
You and I would not measure love and care and intimacy and state of a relationship with sex, but our partners might.
And then from my spouse's side, understanding that for me sex is akin to a sort of hobby we both enjoy rather than something which makes up a huge part of his core, is a form of pain. It feels like, I guess, for a royal consort the emperor is her whole world, but to him she's just a forgettable and small part of his empire and his harem.
Sometimes, when we're choosing activities, it just wouldn't naturally occur to me to choose "hey let's go have sex" unless I'm specifically trying to pick something he'd enjoy. For him, that feels awful because he'd choose me nearly 100% of the time in the way that's the most intimately possible for two people to choose each other. He'd feel forgotten, or that he is less important than a tv show or a board game. The reality is that we both wanted to share an experience with each other: he wanted to share physical touch, and I wanted to share discussions about art and media and learn his views on the same thing we just experienced.
... "this" would end as soon as one of us found a romantic partner. Because there's this line that "just friends" apparently cannot cross - buying a home together, living in it together, doing your dang taxes together... and then once you do cross that line and turn it romantic, sex apparently goes hand in hand with that.
Right, exactly, I feel very seen and heard by you. I do cognitively understand: the same way that I wouldn't want my best friends to wash my undergarments, the same way that five-ish of us owning a home together isn't a good idea no matter how much I love them as friends....is the same (?) exclusivity that my partner feels about sharing physical intimacy with a friend.
But it also means that they have this very real and pressing and core part of them that they can no longer do with any other human on the planet. It's like, their taxes must be done or else they go to jail forever, and they're only ever allowed to hire us as accountants to do taxes together with them.
I have to smile and nod when two characters of opposite genders appear on screen at the same time
I don't mind it as much if they spend the time to show don't tell why they like each other. I hate it when it's purely visual animal instinct type sexual attraction shown on screen, esp when that's the only justification used for one or both of them throwing their whole dang lives away. For example I might get flack for this, but I really strongly disliked Brokeback Mountain: two selfish horny people ruin lots of lives. I know they can't publicly be together and it sucks for them and I think at least one of them was murdered by a lynch mob (?), which is terrible, but what I didn't like about it was how "not worth it" the whole enterprise seems. Are they even friends? Do they even like each other as individuals other than the sex? Couldn't they just properly divorce and start a dude ranch in a new part of the country, or buy two adjacent homes as two bachelors or else stay celibate with sadness and regret? Tons and tons and tons of people lived that way without ruining lives didn't they? Maybe I've been entirely unfair and I should give it a second viewing now that I understand sexual attraction between the vast majority of people more.
Edit: I should clarify that (1) I couldn't understand the on screen attraction between Jack and Ennis. They were coworkers who didn't seem like they liked one another until one of them suddenly violently attacked the other one night, and then they punched each other and parted ways (???????) it was all very confusing to me. I only realised in context very much later in the film, that they had had sex in the tent, I honestly thought one of them went insane somehow and was attempting to kill the other (????)
And (2) I would feel this way about the film if it were a man and woman who missed each other and married separate people due to religion or class or race or any other reason - you're married, don't cheat, or else try to end the marriage and go be free as outcasts and risk consequences. But I guess that's my unfair judgement as an asexual person: I don't feel the desire to have sex with even my most favorite person in the entire universe, so obviously I cannot understand why extramarital sex which could ruin your entire life could possibly be worth it.
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Comment on Discussion about asexuality, demisexuality, and allosexuality in ~lgbt
CeeBeeEh (edited )LinkIn answer to @arqlite 's questions: Preface: I guess I don't really know how either, so please take this as a response from someone in the thick of figuring it out, not a hopefully future me who...In answer to @arqlite 's questions:
Asking as a very high libido guy who wouldn't know how to navigate such a relationship. :)
Preface: I guess I don't really know how either, so please take this as a response from someone in the thick of figuring it out, not a hopefully future me who has it all figured out.
how does your partner manage his sex drive considering your asexuality?
Lots of sex plus lots of masturbation (him). Like, tons and tons and tons of masturbation (from my view of 0 as norm). (TMI: record of something like his climaxing 6 times in a day with me and he could easily easily go for much more)
We've been together for two decades now, but the labelling is a new "discovery", so I'll answer based on how did this work in general over a long period of our lives. We both grew up in "conservative" patriarchal type upbringing, where the men are assumed to have a much higher sex drive, and the ladies are expected to not be much interested, so we both assumed we were just "normal" and slot right into type, so there wasn't a lot of pain or conflict. I don't experience sexual cravings or withdraw symptoms, nor do I chart frequency/quality and judge the health of our relationship based on our sex lives, but I know he does.
(Aside)
I think in our present society, we often say that sex is "a necessity and a human right". But is it really essential or "just" extremely important? What I mean is, human beings "need" oxygen and energy and water: we expire quite quickly without. We also "need" certain vitamins like D which relies on sunlight, and vitamin C which relies on absorption via diet. We'll expire too, albeit slowly.
But is sex in that category? We know celibates exist. So our "bodies" can go on for decades or even our whole lives without it. But what kind of life would that be?
My understanding is that, for allosexual individuals, sex is extremely important, and a hugely influential factor in our health, wellbeing, and happiness. While not an essential need like oxygen, it is nevertheless an important factor the way we can no longer conceive of quality living without electricity, indoor plumbing, running water, high speed internet and being part of a free and stable society. Do I want to live without any of these? Heavens no! How far would I go to maintain a lifestyle where these are available? Very very very far: I would move to a new country and learn a new language and give up my job and start all over and even give up on seeing family as frequently if it means where I am doesn't have those things anymore. I would be fairly miserable and spend all day thinking about how to get these things and how to achieve stability where I didn't have to think about the lack anymore. So, it's not a "need" strictly speaking, but very akin to it. That's how I am currently understanding my spouse's need for sex.
(/Aside)
We have very fun and fulfilling and varied sex something like 3-9 times a week. I'm able to "respond" enthusiastically once we're on a roll, so to speak, and he's a very generous lover who pulls out all the stops all the time to make sure all my (very modest) desires are met, and because I love him dearly and it's very satisfying to see someone respond so positively to things I am doing, the activity is very positive for me as well.
Sort of like, even if you didn't previously play Magic the Gathering, seeing your partner so excited about playing together gets you excited too, right? So y'all have a fantastic evening and he'd want to play again the next night, great. But if he suddenly dropped the hobby and gets into something else, and otherwise seems happy, you may not bring up playing together anymore, that's all.
I think if I were aromantic, or if I were sex repulsed, a relationship with a very sexual person would totally not work out at all whatsoever.
What compromises did each of you make, while ensuring both of you feel happy and respected?
This is a more complicated answer because certain other factors in both our lives have upset the previously quite happy equilibrium, and we're both taking a very long time and not always happy about it. We cry together, we hug and we share and we try not to say mean things (me) and we try not to hide (him) and we love each other through differences and hope together.
The overall answer is, "with the respect of one another, with faithfulness and love, draw near" to one another.
Compromise often implies a sort of, cutting off bits of ourselves to fit better together: it's like if we each have to give up something and both suffer something, which isn't untrue but not as descriptive? Maybe more like, think of two organisms in symbiosis?
A fungus is really good at breaking down stuff into minerals that it doesn't really need, so it sends them to the tree. A tree photosynthesis and has a ton of carbs extra, but it doesn't know how to turn rocks into micronutrients, so it sends carbs to the fungus.
They're "giving up" something, but in this case these are nearly free extras that each easily generates, and each receives something they can't easily get on their own.
My husband probably sometimes hear the call of the moon or something and mildly fantasizes about roaming the earth and sowing wild oats (?) but he realises that he's happier in a stable monogamous relationship where he didn't have to be on the constant chase, there's no worries about STIs or pregnancies, it's honestly financially cheaper, it's better for his social anxiety etc, and he's interested in sex with me in particular not just sex for sex's sake (mostly?). And for my part I would love to go travelling more and being in more adventures, but then I will miss out on sharing new experiences with him and holding hands and snuggling with him, and he makes me laugh and can anticipate my needs in a way no other human beings on earth can. Not so much giving up as a reasonable exchange, I guess.
How it works in minutiae is he'll try not to overthink it if I say no to sex on any particular night, and he won't make any further moves in attempt to change my mind, and then for my part if I'm not against it for whatever reason then I try to say yes at least for "something simple" which usually gets me going and turn into enthusiastic lots more.
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Comment on Discussion about asexuality, demisexuality, and allosexuality in ~lgbt
CeeBeeEh Link ParentWoah, TIL about the aegosexual label, thanks for sharing that. I hear you on the definitely not allo. :)Woah, TIL about the aegosexual label, thanks for sharing that.
I hear you on the definitely not allo. :)
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Comment on Discussion about asexuality, demisexuality, and allosexuality in ~lgbt
As a fellow person on the asexual spectrum, though, I asked my partner about this situation. He said that as an allosexual person, the situation would have become untenable sooner, or else the cheating would have happened sooner.
For myself, if I were in your shoes, I might be hesitant to throw away a friendship circle in which nearly all the time it's great, except for the rare times when this lady is being "gross" (his word). For my husband, he would feel the "grossness" nearly all of the time and so friendship just wouldn't work. And his read on the situation is that since most allosexual people would have noped out far sooner, and she might read your staying as a "strong possibility" of it going her way.
Anyway sexuality aside, what kind of friend are those in her circle supposed to be if you and the lady did hook up? Or even be witness to the continued flirting. They'd either have to be complicit in her "grossness", or else they'd be burdened with the duty to tell the husband: to be questioned and doubted, and watch a guy get angry and defensive, or else be believed and watch their friend fall apart. It's not fair for the other friends.