Pride Month at Tildes: #8 - What are you worried about?
What are you worried about?
We started Pride month looking back, then we learned a bit more about others, then we reflected more on ourselves. I want to finish the month off by looking forward. The next two topics will ask about the future. This one asks about worries; the next one asks about hope.
Looking forward, what are you worried about? What concerns you most?
You can share worries that are social, political, personal, or something else entirely.
Addenda:
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Similar to last week: this is a safe space to talk about difficulties if you need to.
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Remember that unsolicited advice can come across as dismissive. It’s better to affirm and commiserate than trying to solve the problem (unless they specifically ask for help).
Event Guidelines
Everyone is welcome to participate. This includes allies! You do not need to identify as LGBT in order to join in the topics.
I will use "queer" and "LGBT" interchangeably as umbrella terms to refer to all minority sexualities and gender identities. These are intended to be explicitly inclusive.
Be kind; be gracious; listen to others; love lots.
Schedule
I won't reveal everything upfront, but with each post I will give a teaser for what's next:
June 1st: Introductions and Playlist
June 4th: Who is a historical LGBT advocate that you admire?
June 7th: What positive changes have you seen in your lifetime?
June 10th: What's something you wish more people understood?
June 13th: Ask almost anything
June 16th: What media representation resonated with you personally?
June 19th: How are things with your family?
June 22nd: What are you worried about?
June 25th: (teaser: looking ahead, with optimism)
June 28th:
If for whatever reason you would not like to see these topics in your feed, add pride month at tildes to your personal tag filters.
Everything, everywhere, all at once.
But seriously, marriage equality, trans safety, bodily autonomy, and a host of other human rights issues are on the ballot in the U.S. this November.
I'm terrified that if the U.S. goes for Trump, there won't be any stopping reactionary religious fundamentalists globally.
It's bad enough the the U.S. fundamentalists are spreading deadly LGBTQ+ hate elsewhere, but the idea that it can happen here (worse than it already does) actually keeps me awake at night.
I have a pink shirt that says, "Free Dad Hugs" in rainbow colours and I have a Blizzcon backpack with a lot of nerdy pins and decals on it, but also a trans flag and an LGBTQ+ flag on it.
What scares me is the number of people who have no problem accosting me when I have either the shirt or the backpack with me, asking me if I am gay. They're not asking in a nice way; you know the word that they are using. The first time it happened, I was absolutely flabbergasted. I have tried to maintain a friendly demeanour in the face of aggression; it is difficult. The majority have been little old ladies, but two of them have been pickup truck driving mid white dudes that were clearly thinking of actually taking a swing at me.
We have made a lot of strides forward in my lifetime. We have made some shocking strides backwards in the last few years.
I realize it's slightly off-topic, but I want to relay a short anecdote about the "Free Dad Hugs" shirt. I didn't include this in the original, but after some reflection I think it is relevant.
The same day I first got "ambushed" by an old lady who called me a very negative thing, I was in another store about an hour later and I heard a woman say, "Excuse me sir, sir!" and come striding up to me. I turned around with a bit of trepidation, and she said, "I saw your shirt from outside and couldn't miss this" and then opened her arms. I gave her a big hug. She teared up and told me that her dad died a few years previously; I said I'd give her a hug any time she saw me, shirt or no. A couple of weeks ago (at least a year later) I was in the same Shoppers Drug Mart, and a woman shyly asked me, "Excuse me - are you the guy with the tshirt that I hugged here before?" and it was the same woman, and I gave her another hug.
Overall there are more hugs than hate.
I worry about two main things,
And things are already pretty bad, some of that already applies. I am already anxious sometimes about leaving Illinois.
I want to protect each and every one of them from harassment and harm. And I want them to grow up safe and healthy and as happy as a teen can be and I want to fight anyone who would dare hurt them.
I'm very much not allowed to do that, and it hurts. I've been explicitly told I cannot yeet parents out a window, after I first explained the word "yeet."
I previously shared that I'm the asexual partner of a very high libido partner. I'm worried that our cycles of quiet discontentment ---> open communication --> renewed caring for each other's feelings and differences --> easing of disquiettude would eventually prove to wear one or both of us down.
I don't want to suggest that this is the only sort of energy mismatch that a couple could experience. Perhaps other couples struggle with wanting to be out / staying in, or wanting to spend / saving money, or wanting babies / remaining DINKs, or faith differences, or spending too much / not enough time with either side of their families, or time with close friends, or travel vs staycations....etc.
The "correct" thing to do is to love each other in every other way where there isn't a disconnect, and to celebrate joy, celebrate each other, and celebrate being able to cry together.
But on rough days I wonder if sexuality is something much more central than that, and that the fact that I consider it a normal difficulty hurdle is precisely what makes it an insurmountable one.
For my part, it's difficult for me to hide how weary I am becoming of these cycles. Again? Why is this even such a big deal? And that attitude is exactly what hurts. And I give in to despair, that no matter how safe and happy and secure I feel in a relationship, I could be surprised by discovering the love of my life has reached another breaking point.
Having spent several years in couples' therapy, I can recommend it as a way of working these stressors out, if your partner is amenable. I think people commonly think that it's only people who are on the brink of breaking up, but I am in a "mostly fine" relationship and it was still hugely helpful.
Things that were particularly helpful for me were: learning more about how my partner experiences the world (gives me better empathy for them and helps me contextualize the things that do that aggravate me), identifying situational triggers that started these recurring disagreements, and developing tools that we mutually understand are meant to diffuse things.
I could probably write a book about it, but won't here. Feel free to ask questions here or in DMs.
That sounds exactly what we need, as we're definitely almost nearly always okay, which maybe makes it worse when it's not(?)
My partner and I have a bunch of diagnoses between us: the ADHD, ASD alone ("but wait there's more!") means we'd greatly benefit from an outside perspective on how the other processes the world. I'll look into it, thank you
I went through couples therapy with my ex years back, and the very first thing the therapist told us has stuck with me since. Paraphrasing here but she said, "most couples come to a couples therapist when things are really bad, and it's a shame because that's almost always too late". We definitely fell into that category, but I disagree with the idea that it was "too late". It may have been too late for that relationship, but we both learned a ton from her.
Regardless, I'd also recommend couples therapy to just about anyone who is having struggles they don't know how to fix or for folks who've been together for years and have outstanding issues even if the relationship feels very strong. Those long-term issues need to get fixed eventually or they can fester.
As a trans woman, I'm passively stressed as I've always been since the egg crack. Some days are easier than others. There's always some weight on my shoulders, some added complexity that makes life more difficult. When I first realized I was transgender, one of my first thoughts was, "Oh, half the world wants me dead now," and, obviously, that thought has never truly left me, because even if it may not strictly true, the inner sentiment that I am not welcome is pervasive like a miasma. As a hobby, I love learning foreign languages, but there are many I tell myself I shouldn't learn because I cannot entertain the idea of visiting countries that would jeopardize my safety. Even traveling to other states in the U.S. is a risk now; I have many friends in Florida I'll never be able to visit if things stay as they are now. It is hard for me to ignore the fact that because I'm trans, I've lost something, even if that loss is just peace of mind.
I think what scares me the most is seeing my family over the holidays (who don't and preferably will never know I'm trans) and noticing they are all (despite most of them being ostensibly left-leaning) decades behind on LGBT acceptance. Hearing the word 'transvestite' and the phrase 'men in dresses' casually thrown about was shocking to me. How do I explain my identity in that light? They don't know anything about gender theory, about the distinction between gender and sex. They don't know what I know about being transgender, but even if they're willing to listen I'm not the one to teach them. It's much easier to just move on and keep my mouth shut, and to not bother putting up a defense for both myself and for other trans people, because being trans almost always involves being on the defensive. I don't want this kind of stress in my life, and yet I have to have it, because I can only exist as the person I want to be if I have it—if that makes any sense.
I've never seriously considered detransitioning, but each day I look at the world around me, at news articles, social media posts, and what have you, and ask myself, mostly subconsciously, "is this worth the stress?" Of course, my identity is always worth it. Everyone's is. But I can't deny there are some cracks in the walls for me, and the more dangerous it becomes to be trans, the less willing I am to put up the fight. I'm not a good activist. If push comes to shove, it's likely I'll hide, as selfish as that sounds.
I'm doing well, though, even if the world around me is not. I've never been a victim of serious transphobia—far from it. My friends are supportive. I've never lost a friendship because I was trans. But the stress does pile up. It feels like to me that ever since my egg crack, I've exchanged the stress of gender dysphoria for the stress of transphobia, and even now I can't decide which is worse. Still, I want to say it's worth it. I'll never regret being trans.
As a fellow trans woman (ish), I resonate a lot with your comment. The rapid resurgence of fascism in Europe threatens my safety and wellbeing, I need to come out to my iffy family this year, and moving anywhere - especially home - and securing hormones is so scary that we've held off for a long time. It's like you said, a big part of having your egg cracked is realizing the losses you will experience, and the conflicted feelings of whether to press forward or step back into your shell. My life has ultimately improved since coming out, but the ever-present fear of more institutional and stochastic transphobic violence has a huge impact on your mental health. It's not surprising that it ends up taking the lives of so many of us, as heartbreaking as that is.
Last year I was at a huge queer protest, and the feeling of wearing nothing but a skirt, staring down a bunch of cops in full riot gear, ready to protect my friends was terrifying but empowering. The fact that they were so scared of us that they felt the need to suit up made us all feel like we have the power to make things better, even though it will hurt and take time. I'm going to the protest again this year, and I have the subtle feeling that the cops will be bolder this time around, but we'll be ready for them.
It makes me really happy to hear that you're not too discouraged from being trans. It's fucking scary and bleak right now, but we have to persist and stay strong together. If hiding is easier, so be it; someone will always be there to fight for you. I'll be trans on the offensive instead of the defensive for those who need it. Being your true self is always worth fighting for 💛
I am a cis male, but I care deeply about people being free from oppression, and I have similar thoughts about not wanting to go to places like Florida, not being free to express myself in more conservative circles, etc. I don't mean to suggest that my difficulties compare to yours, but when you wrote:
I wanted to offer you the thought that since you care deeply about these freedoms, even if you detransitioned, you'd still care deeply about these things, and it might still feel limiting.
Writing it out, it seems a little bleak to say, "things suck no matter what," but I think that's more a function of our present moment, and I'm hopeful that sanity and compassion will begin to prevail. In the mean time, I hope it helps you enjoy the connection you've made with yourself a little more freely.
There are too many personal details that I don't want to divulge for me to give any real details, but right now I'm most worried about what happens to my partner after I die, or vice versa. I can't get him to spend time writing up a will, and I'm having problems doing mine because of all of the things I think about when I try. I don't feel strong enough to deal with that kind of lonliness anymore; now that I've experienced what life is like without it I can't go back to denying the feelings anymore like I was before I met him.
And there's everything @patience_limited mentioned. Though I try to not think about most of that stuff most of the time. It just makes me angry how much we let literal fascists get away with these days.
Are you trying to write your will on your own? When I did mine with legal assistance, it was super simple boilerplate stuff that could be modified however you want. You'll of course need an understanding of what all you own, but it was otherwise an easy process.
I have stopped and wondered how quickly the police officers I work with, the administrators who "just have to follow laws" regarding cannabis, etc would immediately throw me under the bus in a worst case scenario.
How quickly does it become "We're so sorry but it's the federal law... We have to let you go." Or how quickly am I arrested if certain things became crimes.
And the lack of certainty about what would happen there is a source of persistent anxiety and frustration.
The continuing rise of chemsex. Gay men are turning increasingly to GHB, Meth, and other drugs, which are becoming increasingly normalized in the gay community. There are physical health effects, but there are also mental and cultural health concerns about men trying to chase ever (sexual) highs.
The new rise of AI generated erotica. Jailbroken AI image generators are being used to create erotic images which are then promoted on Instagram like this.
I'm concerned that this trend is hyper-distilling ideas about desirable male physiques and archetypes, and reinforcing them in the minds of millions of gay men, especially the young and impressionable who are still in the process of preference formation.
In the gay community, I meet many men who spend so much time and fortune trying to move themselves toward foci of gay desirability: through dieting, weightlifting, skin treatments, and... steroids. At least a few have confessed to wanting to conform perfectly 100% to an archetype of desire: to have just the right abs or belly, pec size, butt curve, and so on.
Philosophically, I'm concerned about real men lusting after artificial men and wanting to become them. Of course, in the past, we had photoshopped magazine cover hotties who'd often fast and drop water weight before a shoot — but at least they were real humans.