Your partner asks for your phone, you refuse over privacy, they tell you they don't trust you. How do you respond?

I wouldn't flat out refuse unless I had something to hide, but I would ask why they want it.

"Mine is dead and I need to text my mom/look something up/call my other husband."

• You got it, here you go.

"I want to dig through your shit because I'm insecure and I don't trust you."

• Sorry dawg. We're gonna have to have a good ol' fashioned conversation about this.

Not enough context to truly answer.

Personally, I don't consider my partner using my phone a privacy issue. But then again we have been together for a while.

This.

My wife and I have been together for 17 years, she's my best friend and I share absolutely everything with her. If she wants to look at my phone, have a go. I can't imagine keeping much of anything private from her, just because I have no desire to and we're in an emotionally intimate relationship.

If she didn't want to let me look at her phone because she said she had "private" stuff on there, I'd assume she had bought me a gift and was trying to surprise me. But outside of that, I guess I'd be pretty suspicious, as we don't keep things from each other. We even share our farts...

Edit, I meant to respond to @creesch, but looks like I flubbed it. Oops.

Here's the thing. If it was a one time request because there were unintentionally suspicious circumstances I would allow it. Cheating exists in this world (although not i think in my current relationship).

If my partner was consistently paranoid and wanted to keep me under scrutiny and surveillance, I would leave.

I think there are shades to this. My partner and I pretty much have an open door policy with phones - I know her password, she knows mine - and we don't have any trust issues on that front. But her family likes sharing their location all the time and mine has never done that. She would like me to share mine, but I don't like the idea that I can just be kept tabs on all day... It feels ooky for some reason. So we've had friction about that. It's not like I'm planning to do anything nefarious, or even particularly interesting, I just like the idea that sometimes I'm just by myself, doing my own thing, without anyone concerning about it. I can imagine how others could feel that way about their phone.

My wife and I have biometric access to each other's phones. We're not hiding anything from each other but we also both respect each other's privacy, so neither of us is using the other's phone unless there's a reason (like we ordered doordash and the other is going to pick it up from the front lobby). Like @beardyhat said, if my wife said there was something she didn't want me to see, I'd assume it's some kind of surprise for me.

I hate to do the Reddit thing where everything is a reason to break up. I'll just say that, in my experience, a blanket lack of trust is exceedingly difficult to overcome. That whole interaction kind of indicates a scenario where both parts lack trust in each other.

There's absolutely things in my phone I do not wish for my wife to see, much in the same way that she is not really supposed to be present in all social gatherings. And vice versa. That doesn't mean we're unfaithful, but we do have our independent lives.

No one question the privacy of a personal diary, but a cellphone can be way more revealing than a diary. It makes even more sense for it to be completely private.

So I wouldn't draw any tragic conclusions from this, and neither would my wife. But I would suggest the hypothetical couple to have a calm conversation about their mutual lack of trust, where that is coming from, and what to do going forward.

EDIT

For a more literal response. (1) I would probably not hand my phone to my wife because it is personal and I shouldn't need to provide any more reason. I might still do it if there was a clear necessity. For the sake of argument let's say I didn't. (2) If she said she did not trust me I would understand that our problems go way beyond just having access to my phone, so I would (3) muster all my energy, patience, and love to initiate the calm conversation I mentioned above in the hopes of reestablishing trust in the relationship while maintaining my privacy and individuality.

Privacy expectations change when you have a partner. I put a lot of work into making sure government and corporations have as little of my data as possible. I don't put that work into keeping things from wife, as I don't have the same expectation of privacy. If she asked for my phone, I'd assume she needed it for some reason, and I wouldn't really be that curious as to why. Probably she ran out of data and wants to watch a video or something, I dunno.

But we've been together for 14 years. Don't know your context.

As other have said, this relationship need to be assessed.

But my partner and I use each other's phones all the time. We respond to texts for each other when the other is driving and we DJ with whatever phone is connected to the aux.

Honestly location sharing is the privacy thing I'd be more inclined to opt out of.

My response would probably be "Damn, comrade, well it was nice while it lasted 🖖"

I'm not a child, and if my partner feels it necessary to look through my phone like I am one, I'm out, full stop. Tbh if someone I'm dating gets to that point, then things were broken way beforehand and this is just the last straw.

I also wouldn't hand my partner my whole physical journal or pieces of paper that I wrote down my social media logins on either, so it seems a bit weird to think of doing all that in one fell swoop by handing over my phone.

And, in the spirit of fairness, I can't think of a reason I'd ask for my partner's phone either. If I thought they were cheating or doing something harmful, I'd either talk to them about it or get my shit and go, depending on the severity of whatever was going on.

Edit: punctuation

Its weird to talk to relationship hypotheticals, simply because everyone has very different ideas on what a committed partners looks like. I'm very much in a decade long honeymoon while my sibling seems to just have a friend with tax benefits.

So speaking for myself, this is pretty much a non-issue.
My wife and I trust each other but we also understand that our phones have info that is not for the other person. Most notably: sensitive client/work info, our friends and personal finances.

We pick up and use each others phones when needed and know to not pry when we hit a password screen. But we also know each others passwords. Sometimes we need to use the messaging app or get a proof of payment for something so it's understandable.

We don't see the need to go through every message or scrutinize every contact or transaction. If there's something weird, we talk about it. I've been called out on some wasteful spending and toxic family stuff. I called her out on her overworking and her social media use. We're adults that love each other. There's no winning by putting each other down. But we need to have hard conversations to lift each other uo.

But like I said initially, that line of trust is not a standard. Everyones different and relationships evolve. There's also the messy topic of what is private and what is sacred in your relationship. For the time and emotional investment, everyone owes their partners more than "its private" because that term is so loaded. It's a series of difficult conversations, but you're essentially clearing a minefield together and you will have a much better idea on what can end your relationship. There's nothing more dangerous in a social contract than expectations built on assumptions.

So agree on what's private and where your lines are. And be mature and understanding without compromising on your values. There are so many things that people avoid. Porn. Being flirty. Friends with the opposite gender. Spending habits. Open relationships. Former partners. Backup plans. Family. Kids. Your jobs. Aspirations. Vices. Politics. There's no right or wrong, just the difference on where both (or all) of you stand.

Sometimes you're on the same page. Sometimes the gap is small enough to bridge. Sometimes you're on the other side of the world and you're going to have to come together or drift apart.

Like many others with open phone policy : my phone is quite often nearly dead, and theirs is newer and can play a game that mine won't download anymore. But borrowing come with the implicit understanding that I'm not gonna sit here looking through their search history or photos or contacts or texts or emails etc. I'm here to leech battery and play my game and that's it. They're welcome to use mine for buying stuff without having to login or punch in payment info, but I would be surprised and dismayed if i see them thumbing through my texts and emails etc.

But. This is a very old marriage now and I wouldn't have expected the same of a betrothed or dating partner. The trust is mostly a short hand for how boring thoroughly uninterested in other people we are lol

I think for the most part that most people trust their partner with that level of information, as they are in a relationship and they agree to the "privacy agreement".
I think if you were the kind of person who was that aggressive about your privacy that you were concerned about your partner invading it, you'd be in a relationship with someone who would understand it if not have a similar mindset and the answer would be different.

If you're at the point that someone is asking in the first place things should maybe be assessed.

My wife asks for my phone because she doesn't have hers on her or wants to show off some picture I took or whatever. There's some small expectation of privacy in that "HAND IT OVER THIS MOMENT" would cause me concern, but at the same time she's more than welcome to root around on there to her hearts content. At the same time, if she were asking constantly and didn't trust me that's concerning either for me or for her, and early on I drew pretty clear boundaries on things like this until I was more comfortable later. Not to hide any specific thing, but more just because I value my privacy and it takes a lot for me to decide to share it.

I would have given her the phone on the condition she tells me why she wants to see it.

My partner and I don't have an open phone policy. We also trust each other to not desire to ask. We still hand each other our phones if there's a reason. If, for example, we want to show the other a few pet photos we took, we trust each other to not, like, keep swiping through the entire camera roll.

It's not because we keep nefarious stuff on our phones. It's because there's stuff on our phones--by extension, in our respective lives--that aren't the other's business. Sometimes it's because it's related to a gift or surprise we're planning. Sometimes it's a private text or email conversation with a close friend about a sensitive topic that isn't the business of anyone not in that conversation. Sometimes it's personal notes or material that isn't anyone's business, even though it's innocent enough on its own.

It's not that there's a lot of that kind of material on either of our phones, it's that there's any at all.

To the OP's question, I would tactfully reiterate a shortened version of the above as a response. If that doesn't end the conversation or results in an eradication of trust, I would not have much issue calling it a day on that relationship. It's completely fine if someone prefers to have that kind of open-phone policy with their partner, I'm not judging it as a practice, but it doesn't match my values or what I want in a long-term partner.

My phone has private, personal conversations with many people, private information related to business dealings, and private notes to myself that are intended only for my eyes. Outside of a call 911 while I administer first aid type of emergency, it doesn't get shared, and I would never ask a partner for theirs for the same reason.

I have no nefarious secrets to hide. I do not lie or cheat. I also have my own business that is no one else's, as does any adult. I respect my partner's right to a private internal life, and I expect the same.

Of course, the reality is that there is very little I don't share and talk about with my significant other, which is also how it should be. But levels of privacy are important, and this is a hill I am willing to, if not die on, at least fight to defend.

Privacy is freedom from intrusion. If you state privacy concerns as a reason without seriously contemplating if it is intrusion for you, i.e. if you actually give a crap your partner sees what’s on your phone, then it’s not a real reason because you wouldn’t actually find it intrusive in any consequential sense.

My wife and I have access to each other's phones whenever needed, I'd have no issue with her looking through my phone and vice versa. There have been times where she needed to head out and had to take my phone because hers is out of battery or I need to use her phone wallet to pay for something she needs, and vice versa. If she were suddenly to demand my phone with an accusatory tone, I'd probably be taken aback and defensive. Not because I feel I have anything to hide, but because her tone would make me wonder what's going on and why she suddenly doesn't trust me.

I think the entire scenario is a doomed relationship. You can't have love without trust, and neither party trusts the other. They may be dating, but there's no "partnership" here. Now, if they're not serious yet, then maybe the trust isn't there, but honestly, the entire premise is very accusational.

As for what I'd say? Likely, "Either you trust me, and there's no need, because you know you won't find anything. Or you think I'm deceitful, and there's no need, because you know it would just confirm what you already know."

I'm not in a relationship at the moment, but in the past I've had one dysfunctional and several functional relationships, one of which more than a decade long. I'll compare the two scenarios. For context, I've never betrayed a partner and never really even come close to wanting to do so.

Functional relationship: During our 13 years together, my partner never asked to see my phone, but if he had, I would have had no problem handing it over. (A few times I asked him to check something on my phone for me when it was inconvenient to do myself.)

I would have let him go through every bit of content on my phone without a problem. Certainly some things on there would have raised questions and some may have had potential to be hurtful, to some extent. But me and him were discussing things like this actively anyway and we always got through those conversations without damaging the relationship. I could also fully trust that he wouldn't pay attention to private information about my friends or other people, should he see some. It's none of his business and doesn't interest him. We were business partners so any business secrets he was already in on. Conclusion: no such secrets were on my phone that he couldn't be allowed to see.

Dysfunctional relationship: This was a person who clearly did not trust me and looked for reassurance in other ways, such as asking other people for opinions about me and my behaviour, asking me to provide proof for things that were impossible to prove, looking for all sorts of discrepancies in my communication that could indicate deception, etc. One time he wanted me to send a selfie from a restaurant I was in and when I did that, he started questioning me on why the sun seemed to be coming from a different direction than it should, given the time of day and the location of the restaurant. I couldn't give a satisfactory explanation. All I knew was that I'd been where and when I said I was.

If someone like this wanted to see my phone, I would probably still let them see it, but I wouldn't enthusiastically participate in the ensuing inquisition. I already know it's a losing game for both people. Rather, I would likely make an internal decision that the relationship is over and then just let it play out.

Conclusion: If you can't trust your partner to be able to handle what's on your phone / to not be deceitful (trust goes both ways), the relationship isn't going to work. That's regardless of whether phones are looked at or not.

Much like most of the other responses, the hypothetical falls apart for me quite quickly. With my current partner I can't fathom him just asking for my phone - if he needs something from it he'll either ask for said specific thing or I will be handing him the phone with the relevant thing open before he asks. Similarly I'll only ask to borrow his [device] to do a specific thing named in the request.

I do have stuff on my phone that I don't want my partner to see, much like he has stuff on his PC that he doesn't want me to see, so any sharing of devices comes with the implicit understanding that we won't go digging, and occasionally the explicit disclaimer of "oh, but don't open that [folder/chat]". It did take years to get to that level of trust, and during those years our devices were just off-limits to each other. (I still moan about "not being allowed" to use his PC because it would be so convenient for watching stuff while wfh, but he's not comfortable with that and I respect him, so I use my personal laptop and it is very silly with three computers on the same desk)

In a different, hypothetical relationship I'd probably hand the phone over locked, assuming they wanted to see the model for some reason. If they asked me to unlock it I'd insist on knowing why, and once it came out that they didn't trust me and felt the need to dig in my phone we'd probably be over.

"Then have fun with someone else"

I'm not gonna stick with someone who makes a demand like that and doesn't explain anything. It's not about what's on my phone, it's about you trying to pry into my life like you're entitled to it in order to be able to trust me, when you're a "partner" and not my spouse. My hope would be that I've done enough to earn that trust without stuff like that, because I want to respect your privacy too and let you have your own slice of life to yourself. Be my spouse and things get a little more flexible, but be ready because I'm gonna want to know what in the world got you to the point of feeling like you needed to look through my stuff. I've dealt with enough people covering for their own shady shit and getting out of sorts with it, I don't need that in my life again.

I don't assert privacy over my partner. That would just be weird. We're partners, and there's no intrusion in one of us looking at something.

I do not allow my partner to use my phone, and would never use their phone/accounts/devices unless it was either an emergency or they specifically and explicitly asked me to do something.
Partly this is because securing my devices and being deliberate with my security is simply a habit I've formed over time long before I've met them, and partly this is because I do not think that I need to justify my desire for privacy.

While I have nothing to hide, especially from her, I do not think that privacy is simply the matter of not having anything to hide. Phones and electronics are extensions of our minds, and they contain a lot of information about us, and it is not reasonable to expect a person to be comfortable with being completely and unconditionally transparent with all their thoughts. Many are half formed, and are the product of me grappling with an idea before my full opinion is formed, thus they aren't really representative of my fully considered opinion.
I have on there conversations with friends that, while I would not be afraid to share with her if there was a need for it, it is none of her business since she's not a party to it.

I do think it is an unhealthy relationship practice to demand access to your partner's phone. It breeds a surveillance mentality and perpetuates a lack of trust. My wife has earned my trust in her, and to me trust is having faith that she will treat me and our relationship fairly and within the bounds of parameters we have agreed upon. Obsessively checking it does not engender trust, but breaks it.
The reality is that if somebody wants to betray your trust, they can do that, and no amoung of surveliance will prevent that (unless you, like, hold them in a windowless box and prevent them from interacting with anyone but you, but I'm pretty sure that's a crime).