Thales's recent activity
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Comment on How to make friends as an adult in ~life
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Comment on How to make friends as an adult in ~life
Thales Link ParentAnother great idea! I'm into boardgames and would love to try DnD (or even just observe) so that would be a great way to meet new people and do a little more "shoulder to shoulder" socializing. I...Another great idea!
I'm into boardgames and would love to try DnD (or even just observe) so that would be a great way to meet new people and do a little more "shoulder to shoulder" socializing. I haven't found a nearby place that sells games/boardgames/trading cards but I'm still looking.
That's one where hosting might be more feasible for me too since I probably only need 3-4 people for a boardgame group.
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Comment on How to make friends as an adult in ~life
Thales Link ParentI think you're right ("Be the change" and all that). I'm a pretty introverted guy but I think it might be time to push myself out of my comfort zone. Online options are a good call too! Something...If you can't find that place or a group to do your thing, make one. Tell the people you know, put up notices in places it would be welcome, post it on Meetup and Facebook and your local subreddit. Know that the first few meetings will be sparsely attended, but keep going; people are going to come looking for this thing you've created and you want to be ready for them when they do.
I think you're right ("Be the change" and all that). I'm a pretty introverted guy but I think it might be time to push myself out of my comfort zone.
Online options are a good call too! Something I haven't given nearly enough of a look
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Comment on How to make friends as an adult in ~life
Thales Link ParentLove these suggestions! Thanks for sharing :) I checked out the library page and there are a couple book clubs and classes that run regularly (and free of charge).Meetup.com is a great way to find social groups. Toastmasters is also good. Go to your local library and or commutity center, they will often know of social groups that use the facilities. My town's art center has loads of adult art classes and they also run adult sports leagues.
Love these suggestions! Thanks for sharing :) I checked out the library page and there are a couple book clubs and classes that run regularly (and free of charge).
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Comment on How to make friends as an adult in ~life
Thales (edited )LinkI recently moved to a new city, so meeting new people has been at the top of my mind for the past few weeks. At the first opportunity, I took the step of baking cookies, walking around the...I recently moved to a new city, so meeting new people has been at the top of my mind for the past few weeks.
At the first opportunity, I took the step of baking cookies, walking around the neighbourhood, and knocking on doors to introduce myself to all the neighbours--which went super well! Everyone was really friendly. An older couple even invited me into their place to chat and we ended up talking for an hour and a half! It was a lovely way to learn about the neighbourhood.
Since then, though, I've been struggling to come up with an organic way to continue building the relationships I started with the people in our area. I'm running into the same issue the author describes:
My problem with sustaining connection was that I lacked the opportunity for repeated encounters. Going to a lecture, or a happy hour, or a networking event afforded me only one opportunity to connect.
Complicating this issue is that I have a disability that makes hosting an event at my place difficult. Hanging out outside is also difficult this time of year due to the weather.
I would LOVE to show up to an event or even co-host something, but I don't know anyone well enough to broach the idea of co-hosting a dinner or something (maybe a BBQ in the spring?).
I'm intrigued by the author's suggestions:
If you can, it’s a better idea to sign up for activities that give you multiple opportunities to connect, such as a language class, a writing course, an improv class, a book club or, generally, something that repeats over time. When I was living in Atlanta, I became successful at making friends only once I joined a coworking space where I started seeing the same people continually.
A friend from home suggested going to a cafe and/or a gym (I workout at home right now) might be a good way to make some initial contacts and find out what opportunities there are for community-building in our area.
Anyone have any suggestions for how they've made new friends after moving to a new city?
Edit: thank you for your suggestions everyone! I'm confident they will make a genuine difference in my life and in the lives of anyone else who puts them into practice :)
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Comment on Tildes Demographics Survey, year… uh, it’s 2024? in ~tildes
Thales Link ParentWelcome back! Hope you are feeling healthy and well :)Welcome back! Hope you are feeling healthy and well :)
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Comment on Book recommendation request: Fantasy book about university similar to The Name of the Wind? in ~books
Thales Link ParentWhen I say Grossman's writing is psychological, I'm referring more to the tone and focus of the book than writing style. The central story of The Magicians is an internal one, exploring how the...When I say Grossman's writing is psychological, I'm referring more to the tone and focus of the book than writing style.
The central story of The Magicians is an internal one, exploring how the mind of a particular sort of depressed, highly-intelligent, emotionally immature teenage boy often works. I don't want to spoil too much of the story (the joy is in discovering it for yourself!) but in particular we see how a young man who has ostensibly been handed everything can destroy his own life trying to escape from his terrible, internal state of mind.
I don't know if it's possible to relate to Quentin if you have never dealt with depression. Possibly the closest parallel would be addiction (he chases distraction like a junkie).
That second line in my original post ("I strongly advise (just about) anyone else reading to go right ahead and read this book/series!") is tongue-in-cheek: this book will be deeply moving for some people and merely off-putting to others.
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Comment on Book recommendation request: Fantasy book about university similar to The Name of the Wind? in ~books
Thales Link ParentEarlier this year, Grossman put out his first post-Magicians novel for adults! It's a considerably more hopeful book called The Bright Sword, and it deals with the fate of Camelot and the Knights...Earlier this year, Grossman put out his first post-Magicians novel for adults! It's a considerably more hopeful book called The Bright Sword, and it deals with the fate of Camelot and the Knights of the Round Table after the death of King Arthur.
I didn't love it as much as The Magicians trilogy (I didn't find the character's internal arc as compelling, and the story was a bit plodding in the middle) but I am such a sucker for Grossman's writing style. I am forever shaking my head at some clever phrase he'll put down, or a delightfully obscure reference.
There's something about the elegance and wit of his writing that just tickles my brain.
I suspect a lot of Tildes users would vibe with The Bright Sword, tbh. Grossman chooses to focus on the "lesser known" knights of the Round Table because they're the only ones left after Arthur's death. Among their number are knights who are transgender, neurodivergent, PoC, gay, etc. All of them have been left scarred by the violent and confusing times they live in. But they must overcome their personal demons and figure out how to rebuild a world that is crumbling around them with Arthur gone.
Worth a look if you enjoy his writing!
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Comment on Book recommendation request: Fantasy book about university similar to The Name of the Wind? in ~books
Thales (edited )Link ParentConversely, The Magicians trilogy is one of the best and most meaningful reading experiences of my life. I strongly advise (just about) anyone else reading to go right ahead and read this...Conversely, The Magicians trilogy is one of the best and most meaningful reading experiences of my life.
I strongly advise (just about) anyone else reading to go right ahead and read this book/series!
As someone who has struggled with depression and who emerged from my teenage years with a lot of emotional baggage, this series felt like being seen. Lev Grossman understands what it's like to be nerdy and ambitious and full of so much marvelous promise--and yet to be miserable despite it all. I can't relate to much of what Quentin does in the book (he takes an extremely nasty, dark turn part way through the book), but I can relate to so much of what he feels.
People often compare this book to Narnia or to Harry Potter, but that's just looking at the story on its surface. At its heart, this book is much closer to "The Catcher in the Rye" and every bit as divisive.
I particularly recommend the audiobook. I have both read the text and listened to the audio, and I think the narrator (Mark Bramhall) nails the narration.
That being said, do I specifically recommend it to a fan of NotW?
Probably not.
In the entire series, Quentin (the main character) is only a student at the magic school for the first 200ish pages of the first book. Tonally, they're completely different. Rothfuss is aiming for an epic, poetic, dramatic adventure (though whether he reaches his target remains up for debate...) whereas Grossman's writing is much more modern and psychological.
Two very different approaches to the "magic school" subgenre.
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Comment on Conformity and contrarianism at the same time in ~talk
Thales LinkSomething to consider: People who agree with an idea will likely vote and then move on. People who disagree with an idea can only voice their disagreement by writing a reply.Something to consider:
People who agree with an idea will likely vote and then move on.
People who disagree with an idea can only voice their disagreement by writing a reply.
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The carbon tax is good for Canadians. Why axe it?
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Comment on The growing gender divide, three minutes at a time. Sabrina Carpenter tackles the exasperation of being young, female, straight, and single in 2024. in ~music
Thales Link"Was I overintellectualizing pop"? In this case, I think so, yes. Short n Sweet is catchy, but even just listening to a few songs a couple times, I've been struck by how hypocritical some of the..."Was I overintellectualizing pop"? In this case, I think so, yes.
Short n Sweet is catchy, but even just listening to a few songs a couple times, I've been struck by how hypocritical some of the lyrics are:
On "Taste":
I heard you're back together and if that's true
You'll just have to taste me when he's kissin' you
If you want forever, and I bet you do
Just know you'll taste me too...
Every time you close your eyes
And feel his lips, you're feelin' mine
And every time you breathe his air
Just know I was already there
You can have him if you like
I've been there, done that once or twiceI understand Carpenter is using the word "taste" figuratively here, but the message is one very at odds with her "sex-positive" reputation. The whole song is a short skip from saying:
text hidden because it contains a vulgar sexual phrase
"enjoy my sloppy seconds"I'm by no means more sex positive than Carpenter claims to be, but the hypocrisy is galling.
If this were written by a man about a woman ("go ahead and be with her; I've been there, done that. And I left a permanent mark on her"), I can't imagine the lyricist being labelled "sex positive".
A line from "Dumb and Poetic" (bolded for emphasis) that also struck me as contradictory:
[Verse 2]
You're so sad there's no communication
But, baby, you put us in this situation
You're running so fast from the hearts that you're breakin'
Save all your breath for your floor meditation
You're so empathetic, you'd make a great wife
And I promise the mushrooms aren't changing your life
Well, you crashed the car and abandoned the wreckage
Fuck with my head like it's some kind of fetishCarpenter spends much of the song appropriately lambasting this guy (likely Shawn Mendes) for speaking with all the vocabulary of positive masculinity while continuing to behave toxically... but then she uses "you'd make a great wife" as part of her takedown? Is that itself not fostering toxic masculinity?
I'm a man, but if someone told me I had the qualities of a great wife, I'd do my best to take it as a compliment: great wives are great people. Being told, "You'd make a great wife", shouldn't be considered an insult, regardless of gender (unless you're saying it to be transphobic, obviously).
I'll acknowledge the possibility that, because the first half of the line is sarcasm ("You're so empathetic"), Carpenter is being sarcastic in the second half as well. The line could be read as her saying that Mendes wouldn't make a great wife, and that he should feel badly because he should strive to be wife material...
But come on. We all know what she's saying.
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Comment on More than seventy per cent of dentists now accepting patients through Canadian Dental Care Plan in ~health
Thales LinkEligibility will be expanding in January, 2025: Would love to see this grow into a universal program instead of a means-tested system, but currently there are no plans to do so (that I know of).More than 70 per cent of dentists are now accepting patients through Canada's new public dental insurance program — a significant increase over the 50 per cent participation rate reported a month ago.
The federal government attributes the higher uptake to changes it introduced on July 8 that allow dental clinics to submit claims without officially registering as providers of the Canadian Dental Care Plan (CDCP).
Eligibility will be expanding in January, 2025:
Right now, applications for the CDCP are open to seniors, children under the age of 18 and people who receive the federal disability tax credit. Applications for the rest of the eligible population will open in January 2025.
Would love to see this grow into a universal program instead of a means-tested system, but currently there are no plans to do so (that I know of).
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More than seventy per cent of dentists now accepting patients through Canadian Dental Care Plan
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Comment on Two more women accuse Neil Gaiman of sexual assault and abuse in ~books
Thales Link ParentDon't get me wrong: I would love for asking for a kiss to become the norm. I think it's by far the least dangerous way to initiate a kiss. I think the concern is that asking for a kiss can make a...Don't get me wrong: I would love for asking for a kiss to become the norm. I think it's by far the least dangerous way to initiate a kiss.
I think the concern is that asking for a kiss can make a man appear unconfident, and confidence is widely regarded as being attractive to women. I think it's also seen as a little unromantic, possibly because it doesn't fit with courtship in traditional media (which tends to follow a very stereotyped pattern of "man grabs woman and kisses her passionately--no questions asked").
One way to help normalize asking for consent might be through media, actually: start showing characters asking, "Can I kiss you?" (or similar) before going in for the first kiss.
I think another way might be to flip the script on what asking for consent before kissing implies about someone's personality. A little bit like you've done above, where you've reframed asking as an act of bravery rather than self-doubt: "Asking for consent isn't unconfident--it's the ultimate show of bravery. Asking for consent is showing respect for women, and that's sexy."
I have some doubts about how well this will translate to real life (are people going to buy that asking "can I kiss you?" = confident?) but I think it could start to move the needle.
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Comment on Two more women accuse Neil Gaiman of sexual assault and abuse in ~books
Thales Link ParentHonestly, these things happens so fast that I don't know if there was enough time to see if Hobsbawm was into it. I think therein lies Gaiman's crime: he didn't give Hobsbawm anywhere near enough...I think that pushing someone down onto a couch and sticking a tongue into their mouth is a series of actions with plenty of time to figure out if they're into it.
Honestly, these things happens so fast that I don't know if there was enough time to see if Hobsbawm was into it.
I think therein lies Gaiman's crime: he didn't give Hobsbawm anywhere near enough time to signal her interest/disinterest before going too far physically. If he'd approached with a gentle kiss, we probably wouldn't be talking about this. But from the sounds of it, things went straight from conversation to his mouth on hers (meaning she can't speak up) and him pushing her down to the couch (muddling a clear physical signal of interest/disinterest from her).
As I said in another post I think it's valuable to break down exactly where the crime lies so that people can better understand how they can avoid committing similar crimes while still participating in romantic/sexual relationships.
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Comment on Two more women accuse Neil Gaiman of sexual assault and abuse in ~books
Thales (edited )Link ParentI think you've hit the nail on the head here. Gaiman's approach was WAY too aggressive and didn't allow for a gradual "feeling out" of how receptive Hobsbawm was to his advances. (That's something...Speaking more specifically about wanted or unwanted kisses- a little grace from all involved goes a long way, and as long as everyone is acting honestly, it's ok to misread and be embarrassed. People make genuine mistakes with no ill intent.
The problems arise when no's aren't respected, and that is a real, big problem. But that should be thought of as different than an honest misqueue, because it is very different. One is a social flub. The other a much more dangerous behavior. They aren't the same. Like MimicSquid said, there's a world of difference between going in for a slow, closed-mouth kiss (while reading reactions as you go) and forcefully pushing someone down on a couch with no warning. They are completely different behaviors, and only one is defensible.
I think you've hit the nail on the head here.
Gaiman's approach was WAY too aggressive and didn't allow for a gradual "feeling out" of how receptive Hobsbawm was to his advances. (That's something of a theme across all these acts--a complete disregard for how the other person might feel).
It's possible to initiate a kiss and still read signs for consent. And I think that you're right that most people tend to be pretty gracious about handling a misread provided the initial kiss is gentle.
I think the sort of questions I've posed are important in so far as they break down exactly what Gaiman's crime was with respect to Hobsbawm so that the public can better understand how they can avoid committing the same crime in the future.
These sorts of things are rarely discussed in frank, nuts-and-bolts terminology, and that's a disservice to young people everywhere.
So there you go, young people reading this: try for the gentle kiss first.
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Comment on Two more women accuse Neil Gaiman of sexual assault and abuse in ~books
Thales (edited )LinkThese allegations are awful and my compassion goes out to K, Scarlett, Wallner, Hobsbawm, and any other victims of Gaiman. Even if elements of their relationships were consensual, it's apparent...These allegations are awful and my compassion goes out to K, Scarlett, Wallner, Hobsbawm, and any other victims of Gaiman.
Even if elements of their relationships were consensual, it's apparent that (at best) Gaiman had/has no understanding of the principles of "safe, sane, and consensual" in BDSM. More likely, I think he simply doesn't care about consent. His personal pleasure is paramount and the women were just tools to him.
I don't even understand how you could enjoy something like this.
One grey area I find in this, however, is the criminality of Hobsbawm's experience:
In what Hobsbawm said was “an aggressive, unwanted pass”, Gaiman “jumped” on her “out of the blue”, forced his tongue into her mouth, and pushed her onto her sofa, before she wriggled free. Hobsbawm said she then cut off contact with Gaiman.
I have no doubt that this experience was deeply distressing for Hobsbawm and, as I said, my heart goes out to her. It sounds like Gaiman was overly aggressive in his approach.
But on the other hand, this situation raises a question I have struggled with my whole life: "Short of asking for consent before going in for a kiss (which is regrettably regarded as unattractive by most young people), how are you supposed to know beforehand if a kiss will be well-received?"
Truthfully, you cannot know with certainty. Even the best readers of body language can only make an educated guess.
Some people are completely oblivious to how flirty they are. Others are completely oblivious to how not flirty they are. Some people will say, "I can't believe so-and-so thought I was interested in them! I was just being nice and flirting in a friendly way!" Others will say, "I can't believe so-and-so didn't kiss me! Couldn't they tell from the way I made passing eye contact with them twice that I was burning up with desire for them???"
Going in for the kiss without verbal consent is always rolling the dice.
This uncertainty was such a concern for me as a young man that the majority of first kisses I had were actually initiated by the woman. (Although my romantic history is short).
Do you think the inherent risk of "going in for the kiss" will ever be solved? Will asking for consent ever become the norm? Or will a "base system" for kissing ever develop? (For example: Base 1 = hand touching, base 2 = face touch, base 3 = gentle kiss, base 4 = making out?).
If not, what do we do about the percentage of "incorrect guesses" that will inevitably occur? Obviously we can't have people just leaping on each other on the basis that "there was a 1% chance the other person would be into it!" But on the other hand, even someone who is 99% accurate at reading body language will still kiss someone who's not into it 1% of the time.
(Oct 7, 2024 edit) Returning to this post a couple months later, I'm not happy with how much it reads like apologizing on behalf of Gaiman.
My phrasing ("It sounds like Gaiman was overly aggressive in his approach") seriously diminishes how extreme and traumatizing his behaviour was. It also sounds like I'm accusing Hobsbawm of being unintentionally flirty ("Some people are completely oblivious to how flirty they are"), and like I'm suggesting that Gaiman was just a victim of random chance ("Even the best readers of body language can only make an educated guess.").
I won't alter my original words (I'll keep them up as a reminder to speak more carefully in the future), but I want to clarify my feelings here. Gaiman's behaviour was extreme, traumatic, and showed a complete lack of concern for Hobsbawm's feelings. A first kiss should be giving the other person every opportunity to reject you. Gaiman does none of that--he forces Hobsbawm to fight for her opportunity to break free of him. It frightens me to consider what might have happened if she wasn't up to the fight that day, or if she was someone who slipped more into the Fawn/Freeze responses than fight/flight.
I also want to make clear that I have always believed Hobsbawm's account that she was not being flirty with Gaiman and that his kiss came out of the blue. In my original post, my phrasing is terrible. I switch from talking about the specifics of the Hobsbawm-Gaiman case to philosophizing more generally about consent and the inherent risk of "going for a kiss" without verbal consent. It's only natural for readers to assume that I'm saying "Oh, this is just the inherent risk of going for a kiss." That's not what I'm saying, but I see how it sounds like that. That's why I'm adding this appendix to clarify my feelings.
Okay. Now that I've clarified my feelings on Hobsbawm/Gaiman, I'm going to transition to a more general discussion about how to approach a consensual kiss. Included in this discussion is a breakdown of the steps you should take if you want to kiss someone on a couch.
I know I'm breaking this down way too much, but (as I said elsewhere) I really think that more information is better in this case. That's especially true for people who are neurodivergent.
I won't get into setting the moment and flirting (lord knows how many guides to flirting there are online) but those are critical parts of setting the moment for a first kiss. This isn't the movies. People don't leap on each other out of nowhere in real life. (They shouldn't, at least). I'll start my guide at the moment you decide to try for the kiss (which again, should ONLY come after a period of flirting).
All right, here goes...
There have been a lot of failed kisses throughout history. Most of them have not been traumatic.
From what I have read and heard, what makes a kiss traumatizing is feeling like something was done to you without you being able to express your own desires (either verbally or by pulling away). A slow, gentle kiss is not going to traumatize someone if they have plenty of time to react and can freely pull away.
So: if you are trying to initiate a kiss, either ask verbally for consent or gauge non-verbal consent. Either way: you shouldn't interfere with someone else's bodily autonomy at any point during the first kiss. Do not move their body for them or prevent them from moving. No holding the other person in place, pushing them up against a wall, restricting their movement, etc. You can put your hands lightly on the other person (which is another great opportunity to gauge the other person's interest/non-interest) but do NOT try to stop them from moving. They should be able to pull their head back to break the kiss at any point.
In the case of non-verbal consent: approach slowly. Give the other person plenty of time to understand what's happening. This can even be a fun way to draw out the tension of the moment. When you're an inch or two away, pause. Let the other person close that last bit of distance. If they don't, I would suggest saying something in a flirty/teasing tone, like, "What would you say if I tried to kiss you?" You might even give up on being indirect at this point and ask, "Can I kiss you?" (Asking at this point is not going ruin the moment or turn a yes into a no--when you're an inch or two away, the other person already knows if they're going to kiss you). Licking your lips or looking at the other person's lips are also good ways to express your intention and may happen involuntarily (look for these as signs of interest in the other person too!).
The first kiss should be delicate. (Gentleness isn't going to spoil the moment either). The best part about going gently at first is that you leave opportunity to ramp up later. No tongue on the first kiss. Again: save something for later.
If the first kiss goes well, your brain is probably going to go off-line for the next 30 seconds or so while the two of you continue to gently explore. At that point, you can consider trying to French kiss. Once again, this should be tentative. You're not shoving your tongue in the other person's mouth: you're seeing how they respond to you slipping your tongue just a little bit past their lips.
You might also be interested in kissing on the couch. I don't see why the hell you wouldn't just say, "Let's go to the couch," but if you again want to go for nonverbal, I'd pull apart briefly to indicate (using your head, hand, maybe a light hand on their back, etc.) that you want to go to the couch. See how they respond. Do not move their body for them.
And there you go. You're French kissing on the couch. Even here, you should be periodically checking in to see how the other person is doing. I usually just say, "If there's anything you don't want to do, just let me know."
So long as you genuinely care about whether or not the other person is enjoying the experience, this will all feel extremely natural. It looks overwhelming written down, but if you're the type of person who's willing to read multiple paragraphs about how to kiss someone without violating their consent or traumatizing them, have faith in yourself--you care about people. You're not going to force someone into anything they're uncomfortable with. In the event that you misread the moment, you will probably both be embarrassed--but neither of you will be traumatized.
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Comment on US President Joe Biden reportedly more open to calls for him to step aside as candidate in ~society
Thales Link ParentI've been thinking the same. An open convention with real stakes on the line (whoever wins gets to run for President!) actually sounds like it could potentially build a surge of momentum and...Sure, historically, open conventions were not the kind of choreographed pageantry we expect nowadays, but wouldn’t that also mean they’re more fun to watch? Politicians would have to make speeches that matter. Imagine the ratings. It’s like a reality TV show.
I've been thinking the same. An open convention with real stakes on the line (whoever wins gets to run for President!) actually sounds like it could potentially build a surge of momentum and enthusiasm in the run-up to November. This drama around Biden and the possibility that he could be replaced with a younger, "more exciting" candidate has had me glued to US election news for the first time in months. I'm not sure if that's just because I'm casually into politics (maybe the non-voters we need to bring in wouldn't care), but I feel like there's a real possibility that this could turn into a spectacle--in a good way.
People love drama!
Harnessing that energy could be really dangerous, but it could also be very powerful. "Biden's getting dumped! The President is getting dumped?! And now they're holding a lightning round mini-election to replace him???" I think people will pay attention.
"Ability to defeat Trump" needs to be the top criterion for choosing a new candidate though. It can't be "who's kissed the most ass and won the most favours?" among Democrat insiders. You also need to make sure no one becomes so toxic in the convention that you can't get people to rally around them after the selection is complete.
Done right, I think this could go well.
Let me add three disclaimers: 1) I'm not American, and 2) I actually like Joe Biden and think he's done good work in a post-COVID America; I'm sorry to see him going out like this, and 3) like you, "there's a lot I don't know about politics".
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Comment on Doctors try a controversial technique to reduce the transplant organ shortage in ~health
Thales Link ParentAlso, let me reassure you that I don't need an organ right this second! If there were abundant donor organs and if transplant were risk-free, I'd probably have a new one sooner rather than later....I do wish very much for you to receive a donor organ very soon
Also, let me reassure you that I don't need an organ right this second!
If there were abundant donor organs and if transplant were risk-free, I'd probably have a new one sooner rather than later. But because there are so many risks with transplantation and so few organs, and because my symptoms can be managed with medication, I won't be put on a list for another few years.
It's a very strange, very poorly understand condition. I feel terrible for those with a fast progression and those whose symptoms cannot be managed through medication.
You're really earning that "Most Helpful User" nom ;)
Bookmarked. They will come in handy in the event I can't find someone to play with locally.