We lived together for 15 years before my wife and I got married. Though she hinted at marriage every once in a while during those years, it was me who was hesitant. Not that I didn't want to be...
We lived together for 15 years before my wife and I got married. Though she hinted at marriage every once in a while during those years, it was me who was hesitant. Not that I didn't want to be with her, but I didn't really see the point: we already bought a house together, we had an official "samenlevingscontract" (which is a notarial deed in which two persons that live together agree to take care of each other financially), we even dealt with our testaments and made each other our respective beneficiaries. So why should we marry if we had such an unbreakable bond? Wasn't it already crystal clear that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her?
That was my reasoning, or so I thought. But who knows, maybe marriage is not all about financial stability and piece of mind? The conversation about marriage kept returning, and we dug a little deeper. Only then my main objection became clear: though I loved her and was prepared to vow to stay with her, I was scared as shit about all the fuss that comes with the day of marriage. I didn't want to be the center of attention, I didn't want to choose who should be at my wedding and who not, actually, I just didn't want a wedding the way a wedding is supposed to be.
But what is a wedding supposed to be? It is our day and we can organize it however we want it, she told me. We are not doing this for anyone but us. And so we ended up saying I will in a romantic, medieval town hall with just a handful of people, and we both enjoyed every second of it.
Very relevant is what Nick Cave wrote about this in one of his marvellous Red Hand Files. I read it only after I was married, but I think he is right: I should just have married my then girlfriend. Not for any legal, cultural or religious reason, but because it would make her happy.
Of course, this is my story, and you might struggle with other considerations. We don’t have kids, to name just one. Nevertheless, I think that even though marriage is a big decision, let’s just not forget that the premise is very simple: two people who like to be together. It is not more (or less) monumental than that. I wish you all the luck. You'll be fine.
We lived together for 15 years before my wife and I got married. Though she hinted at marriage every once in a while during those years, it was me who was hesitant. Not that I didn't want to be with her, but I didn't really see the point: we already bought a house together, we had an official "samenlevingscontract" (which is a notarial deed in which two persons that live together agree to take care of each other financially), we even dealt with our testaments and made each other our respective beneficiaries. So why should we marry if we had such an unbreakable bond? Wasn't it already crystal clear that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her?
That was my reasoning, or so I thought. But who knows, maybe marriage is not all about financial stability and piece of mind? The conversation about marriage kept returning, and we dug a little deeper. Only then my main objection became clear: though I loved her and was prepared to vow to stay with her, I was scared as shit about all the fuss that comes with the day of marriage. I didn't want to be the center of attention, I didn't want to choose who should be at my wedding and who not, actually, I just didn't want a wedding the way a wedding is supposed to be.
But what is a wedding supposed to be? It is our day and we can organize it however we want it, she told me. We are not doing this for anyone but us. And so we ended up saying I will in a romantic, medieval town hall with just a handful of people, and we both enjoyed every second of it.
Very relevant is what Nick Cave wrote about this in one of his marvellous Red Hand Files. I read it only after I was married, but I think he is right: I should just have married my then girlfriend. Not for any legal, cultural or religious reason, but because it would make her happy.
Of course, this is my story, and you might struggle with other considerations. We don’t have kids, to name just one. Nevertheless, I think that even though marriage is a big decision, let’s just not forget that the premise is very simple: two people who like to be together. It is not more (or less) monumental than that. I wish you all the luck. You'll be fine.