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How did you decide about marriage?
I'm facing this now and it seems like an impossible and monumental choice.
How did you decide to marry your partner? How long had you been together? If you lived together beforehand, for how long? Did you make you choice on having kids before marriage?
I have been married for 15 years, together for 18.
Our path to getting married was not a typical one. We had a child first, then we bought a house; the day we got the keys to our house, I proposed at the door before we went in together. Our daughter was one and a half when we bought the house and two and a half when we got married.
I think a lot of people struggle with what marriage is, and whether it is something for the couple, or something for their families, something for their religion, or something for the government. I think one of the things that people should consider before getting married is what marriage means to them. My wife and I were both on the same page. For us, marriage is a contract between the two of us; we have dedicated our lives each to the other, because we love each other. This love extends to our respective families, and I am blessed with the family that I have chosen and has chosen me. My wife is very spiritual - she grew up Catholic, but is in a post-Catholic phase of life - and to her, marriage also represents a holy bond between us and God. The legal ramifications of marriage are just a bonus for us; the important part is the representation of love.
Getting married was a good decision for us, and an important one, and being a husband is a privilege and a duty that I do not take lightly, but I think it is important to note that I think people can have the same dedication to each other without a piece of paper; some of my best friends have been with their partners longer but are not married, and I certainly know some married people who are less dedicated to each other than people who are not married, so I think the most important thing is the understanding that one reaches with a partner or partners about what marriage means between them.
While part of how we decided to get married was figuring out what being married even meant to each of us, another part was figuring out if the thing we meant by marriage was right for us as a couple. There are a number of things to think about when figuring out if people (I will try to stop saying "couple" because dedication doesn't have to happen in twos) are compatible for marriage. We had a lot of discussions about the sorts of things that we expected in a partnership, and what we were looking for. We read books and did exercises for couples to figure out their compatibility. We talked about things like money and spending, children and our philosophy of parenting (this one got real fast; our oldest is 17), belief systems and religion, health, family, hopes, dreams, and more. I say "talked" but we still talk about those things, because my wife is one of the most intensely interesting and amazingly intelligent people I know. And that brings me to my final, likely very sappy point.
I love my wife. She is kind, beautiful, caring, fierce, capable, smart, tough, cool, interesting, sexy, lovely, fun, athletic, and generally amazing. Whenever I need it she supports me, challenges me, complements me, compliments me, teaches me, listens to me, and completes me. She is a wonderful wife, mother, teacher, researcher, scientist, and more. She is my hero, and every day I am reminded of how lucky I am to be able to dedicate my life to hers, and to have her do the same for me.
Life Kinda made the choice for us in the end. My partner of 11 years and I had no intention of getting married, but last year I became very ill and was hospitalized for a while. The doctors found a very large tumor in my brain. It's cancer and not curable, so my time on earth is now quite limited. On top of the tumor I also suffered a stroke while in surgery, so 2022 was rough as hell. During my hospitalisation my partner was amazing, she was there by my bed most days, and on the days she couldn't make it, she scheduled for friends or family to come visit. The way she handled this situation and how happy she makes me on a daily basis made me realize I want her to receive my life insurance when I'm gone, so I started asking around about how to best make sure she does and the general consensus was that it's easiest and best to get married in my situation. So we got married earlier this year. We tried living together years ago but that didn't work for us so we moved to separate apartments about six years ago. After getting married we still live separately and have no plans about moving in together or having kids. It works for us so that's what counts I think.
Edit: a word.
I "knew" that I wanted to marry her after our first date. We were together almost 5 years before getting engaged, got married a little less than 2 years after that. We lived together for the majority of the time, she moved in a few months after we started dating. We decided before we got engaged and married that we weren't going to have kids, and I got a vasectomy shortly after we got married. I think that making a decision about kids is absolutely critical before getting married. There is no compromise there. My previous relationship of 5 years ended over that topic.
This is word for word how it was for us, the only difference being we got married in year 5. I know it's cliche, but for us we just knew from the start. There was no real decision moment. It was less "should we get married?" and more "why would we not get married?".
I put "knew" in quotes because while that was my first thought, I knew logically that I needed to get to know her more before actually knowing. Initial chemistry is one thing, but is not the end-all be-all of a successful relationship. We could've gotten to know each other and discovered a fundamental incompatibility. In our case, it didn't happen, but I was certainly prepared for the possibility.
I know that's probably not going to help ease your fears, but will maybe help you adjust your expectations and ensure that you're doing real due diligence before jumping into something as serious as marriage.
What's some advice you'd share about planning your wedding?
The best advice that was given to me was: "Nobody is going to remember the color of the napkins at your wedding". After watching and hearing about people getting so stressed out about planning their weddings, we knew that we didn't want to deal with that. We each picked a few areas that were important to each of us. For me, it was food/catering, music and having activities other than dancing. For my wife, it was flowers and photography. We both had similar ideas in mind for a venue as well, which turned out to be perfect. We had a family member officiate because we're not religious, and we wrote our own ceremony because we wanted it to be fun and not a rubber stamp of every other wedding. We're not uppity people, so everything was very fun and relaxed. 4 years later, we still have people telling us that our wedding was their favorite one they've ever been to.
Our venue came with a coordinator - not a full-on planner, but more of a day-of coordinator. Other than the few areas that each of us really cared about, we left a lot of the decision-making to our coordinator, the venue and our vendors. We trusted them to make decisions based on their years experience of doing weddings and let them do what they felt was best based on that experience. And that was absolutely the right choice - all of our vendors did an incredible job, and everyone had a lot of fun. It was totally stress-free, and was everything we hoped it would be and more.
So yeah, that would be my advice - don't try to do it all yourself, because the more you try to control every aspect of your wedding and anticipate exactly what each moment will be like, the more likely your expectations won't be met and that's where disappointment and stress comes in. Just take on a few items each and let your vendors take care of the rest.
Thanks for the perspective. Can you elaborate more on what things stood out to your guests that made the wedding special? Did they like the food specifically? Was the venue generous with its time? Did the DJ blow the roof off the place?
One of my biggest concerns is making sure not to get cheated by a vendor. I've heard numerous of horror stories of people paying exorbitant amounts of money, even after vetting the market, for a vendor, only to receive low-quality results.
I got married 15 years ago.
The things people still talk about
The food was so good. We had food stations, and one of the stations was a potato bar. People still talk about the potato bar with some frequency. We have been to two more weddings that had a potato bar - one with mashed potatoes like we had, one with tater tots - and to several events that have had similar. We also had a really great roast area - roast beef with a lot of trimmings and roasted veggies. The food was fantastic.
We had a "theme" which was martini glasses for some reason. Everything was served in martini glasses, including the salad and the potatoes. We also had a signature martini. It's notable that my wife and I aren't really martini people; our caterer had a vision for it, and he went with it.
We had a bagpiper march the wedding party into the reception. People remember that in a very positive way.
We did not have a seating chart. While this is my preference for events (and other than weddings, what big party has a seating chart?) people do remember this, but almost always bring it up as a negative.
People remember our third dance, and always think it was our first dance. Our first dance was to "Come What May" from Moulin Rouge. Our second dance was "You Lift Me Up" by Josh Groban; I danced with my mom, and my wife danced with her dad. The third dance was Thriller and the entire wedding party did the first minute or so of the choreography and when the zombies all disperse, everyone grabbed someone to bring them to the dance floor. Nobody other than my wife and I remember the first two, but everyone remembers Thriller.
The Snowbirds flew over. It was just happenstance, and was in no way planned, but some people still ask me if we hired them.
Things that I thought people would remember, but they don't
Our DJ being no good - when we met we gave him a list of songs that we did not want played, and he played so man of them. He did some weird dance games. We requested no embarassing bride-groom games, but he did two and tried to do a third. I think the only person that remembers is me. Everyone else thought he was great.
We put a fair amount of effort into the "alternate to clinking glasses game that makes the couple kiss". We had trivia that we put in balloons, and you could come up and pop a balloon; get the answer right, the couple kissed, otherwise, you did. Nobody really remembers this.
Our centrepieces. I couldn't even tell you what they were; I would guess big martini glasses?
Our wedding favours. The maid of honour made some hand crafted truffles that were exquisite, and there was something else that went with them. We put a lot of time and effort into them, and I don't even remember what it was.
There were any number of minor kerfluffles during the day, but the only ones who remember are me and my wife and my mother-in-law. Almost nobody remembers any of the things that bothered us during the day. In general, people remember that it was a day full of love and laughter and happiness, and they don't remember anything else... except the seating thing.
Hard to describe, but I think it was just the overall vibe, which was absolutely helped by our venue. When I think about 90% of the weddings I've been to, they all blend together. You have some kind of serious ceremony, a cocktail hour where you awkwardly mingle around, dinner, some post-ceremony stuff (first dances), and then dancing. The first half of your wedding is your guests sitting there watching you go through the motions and eating dinner. And for the second half, you have two choices - sit at a table and talk to people over loud music, or go and dance (which is just not everyone's cup of tea, certainly not mine).
We rented a venue in the mountains (our favorite place) that had a bunch of different spaces for guests - the ceremony area itself (under a permanent tent, overlooking absolutely gorgeous scenery), an indoor space for dinner/dancing, a guest house with a huge deck with a row of rocking chairs overlooking the mountains, a quiet lovely garden area for walking around and chatting, and then an open lawn area where we put lawn games and such (I had actually joked about getting a ferris wheel and carnival games, but we toned that down a bit).
I distinctly remember during the cocktail hour and right before and after dinner, seeing all of our guests scattered around spending time however they wanted. We had people catching up with each other over drinks sitting in rocking chairs watching the nice sunset, people playing various lawn games, couples walking with each other around the gardens, etc. It was a beautiful day to be outside, and everyone took advantage of that.
Once it got dark, more people came in and danced and such (and of course we joined). But it wasn't a focal point for us, and I think that's what made it unique. We also took steps with our coordinator to cut out some of the traditional timeline stuff (bouquet toss, limited speeches, a quick and light-hearted ceremony that we wrote, which people commented was "very us", did some of the photos ahead of time so that we didn't have so many of them to do after the ceremony, etc). We wanted to spend as much time with our guests as we could, after having been to so many weddings where you barely see the married couple since they're getting whisked away to go cut cake or something.
So in a nutshell, we took out some of the things that didn't excite us about other weddings that we've been to, and it turned out that all of that went over well with our guests as well.
I think that this fear is the exception rather than the rule. Everyone looks up reviews, so wedding vendors who do a bad job won't survive long in that industry. Try to go with well-known, trusted vendors that are well-established and have a good history. We planed our stuff over a year in advance, so we had our pick of vendors for everything. Our venue also didn't have a list of required vendors, but had a list of ones that they worked with in the past that people were happy with. We ended up finding our caterer through there, and they were amazing. Everyone else, we found elsewhere (wedding vendor websites and such). If someone has a ton of good reviews and has been around for a while, they're probably not going to let you down. I think some of the "low-quality results" thing is people having ridiculous expectations, and trying to over-control situations (exactly what we avoided doing) and being disappointed with the results. But overall, we were very happy with all of our vendors.
Since multiple people replied:
I have a friend who is a classical organist. They played at the ceremony and people liked it.
Our reception was four blocks from the church where we got married. We are both environmentalists and we walked and led a procession of many of the guests to the reception rather than having a car for that.
The reception was at a beautiful rooftop garden with a restaurant that handled catering. People loved it and it was a great place to take post wedding photos.
The food was amazing, especially the cake which had chocolate rasberry and lemon chiffon flavors and the prices were not unreasonable. I went to a boutique cake maker, but got a cake from the low end of their price list. It was beautiful and delicious.
After lunch and chatting with everyone, the party was over. People described the experience as chill and fun.
Not who you asked, but this might make in interesting separate topic if you want that.
Don't get steamrolled into just accepting the highly publicized package deal. Choose what is important to you, whether that is an elopement, City Hall with or without a meal for friends/family after, or a more traditional ceremony plus reception. Everything costs money unless you hack it. My mother was married in her parents back yard, but I had a catered lunch reception because that was important to me. On the other hand, I chose no dancing/band and had amateur arranged flowers to save money and because I didn't care that much.
Be careful about how much work and cost you expect your friends to put in if they are bridesmaids/groomsmen. Demand people shell out what they can't afford and they may resent you for life.
Cake tasting was the most fun part of wedding planning for me and the bakery we chose did a really nice job.
We technically eloped, but our families were aware, and we threw a big garden party a month later for everyone. It cost about $600 and it was perfect for us.
I'd really interested to read a general thread on how people planned and executed their weddings.
You could make one? ~life, ~talk, I've been married over 15 years, but I and others like me would comment.
Done: https://tildes.net/~life/18xr/what_are_some_your_best_pieces_of_advice_for_planning_and_executing_a_successful_wedding
Done: https://tildes.net/~life/18xr/what_are_some_your_best_pieces_of_advice_for_planning_and_executing_a_successful_wedding
Interesting, I would have never thought of something like this. Thankfully, this didn't seem to happen to us. After my wife went off birth control, her libido increased and our sex live has gotten even better overall. It ebbs and flows with life, but it was overall a net benefit for us.
My girlfriend and I had moved in together after dating for about a year. After a few months, she needed her wisdom teeth removed, so we got married so she could use my health insurance. We eloped in Las Vegas, with a singing Elvis and a buffett afterwards. 100% reccomend. To hell with spending $10k on a wedding.
It's been over a decade since. Have two great kids, wouldn't trade it for the world. Sometimes things work out like that. But marriage itself is just paperwork for the state that gives you a bunch of benefits, but also generally means splitting any wealth accrued during the marriage 50/50 if you break up after.
Marriage is easy. So is divorce if it's amicable. Though a messy divorce is still less messy than a messy breakup without any legal backing. It doesn't cost much to get married at city hall...the tax savings alone from filing jointly will make up for it.
I will say however, for any long term partner, you need to be on the same page regarding children. Nobody should be a reluctant parent. If you're not on the same page, it's not a question of if you'll break up, but when.
Here’s to hoping your offer for your mutual child’s well-being pays off for for everyone in the the long term!
I had never wanted kids, but got married to someone that did. I obliged after compromising for the sake of our relationship. After my sons turned 5, she divorced. Now I am a super happy father with 24/7 custody of two teenage boys that are awesome. I feel you, brother!
We got along so well, and enjoyed each other's company so much, it seems crazy not to at least talk about it. We'd been dating about 15 months, lived together less than a year.
After lots of New Years celebrating, i asked if it was something she'd ever wanna do.
She said yes, when?
Me, drunk, surprised: anytime! Soon? This year?
We settled on April, took a half day (we worked together) and met the officiant at a park. I love being married, its a lovely kind of security i never knew i wanted until i had it.
If you wouldn't mind getting out of bed to do something for them. If you assume good intentions on their part, and they do the same. If they make your day to day feel happier, especially mundane or stressful days.
It's less big moments, more like little ones that accumulate, like pixels on a screen that make a picture.
Side note, we had both been in unhappy, 8+ year relationships before this, so we aren't prone to rash behavior. We both knew what we didn't want. We are childfree, but both open to discuss if life circumstances change. We've been together about seven years, married almost five.
Best decision of my life <3
We just recently passed out 13th anniversary and are not married. We will likely never marry.
I am from the US and he is from Australia. We decided against marriage because the US tax system for Americans living abroad is already extremely complicated as it is, and I didn't want to make it any harder for myself. Fortunately for us, unmarried couples in Australia can register their relationship, called a "de facto partnership", and enjoy the same legal recognition as married couples within Australia, but still count as "single" outside of Australia. It was quite a bit more work to prove for my visa than a wedding certificate would have been, but it was still better than forking over hundreds of dollars (on top of the hundreds we already pay) to hard-to-find, specialized tax accountants year after year.
If the de facto partnership hadn't been an option, we probably would have married for the visa, but then divorced after my residency was secure and lived together unofficially as boyfriend and girlfriend thereafter. I am very grateful that we didn't have to do that.
Like you, I have no particular will to get married. My whole life, I've seen marriages fall apart or seen people be stuck in broken marriages. I never wanted that.
My wife understands. She's divorced, she's gone through that all, and doesn't care to do it again. We have all the trappings of a marriage - rings, love, household, family - without the legal connection. We've been together 5+ years and I don't foresee it changing any time soon; she's the only person I can feel entirely comfortable being "myself" around.
Maybe someday we'll make things official (either marriage or power of attorney) but for now, things just work and that's good enough for me.
Get married if you're in the USA. For 90% or more of the population, filing jointly is massive tax savings, especially if one of you earns more. Here's a calculator.
Suppose I make $80k and my wife makes $40k. That's about $93k after tax filing as singletons. Filing jointly adjusts your tax brackets, and with the exact same income, you're now getting $102k take home instead. This is with a very simple example, it gets more extreme, especially if one of you earns wages and the other does domestic work. Or you have retirement savings. It costs virtually nothing to get legally married at city hall
If you rely on benefits programs, you'll often be able to not lose those benefits at higher wages if you are married.
If you have a house or kids, you definitely need to get married to avoid some nasty legal problems if one of you dies and you don't have incredibly well-written wills.
Point made! Like I said, I know we'll need to make it official, we've just been slacking on it since it's not right there on our minds.
If I remember correctly, you said you are in the UK? Does the NHS allow your partner to make major medical decisions for you or visit you if you are in really bad health without being married? I don't want to assume, but it is important to think about.
USA. @vord made some good points, some which I already knew but others illustrated in ways I hadn't considered before.
My parents identified themselves as husband and wife before they got legally married. They opted to marry legally some time later due to pressure from their parents, but they made it as casual as they thought they could get away with. They spent a total of $50 on the wedding (just on their clothes, which were very much nontraditional); it was a potluck; and they stapled their wedding invitations to various telephone poles in the area.
My sister and her husband went the other way. They became legally married first (for visa-related reasons that popped up unexpectedly), and then later had a full wedding and only then began socially referring to each other as husband and wife. They celebrate both anniversaries.
My partner's parents sought permission from the Vatican to marry (they had been raised in different denominations and he was divorced, and her highly religious parents were very upset and wanted to make sure it would be a proper Catholic-approved marriage). The Vatican took many years to reply — with a rejection telling them they could not marry — at which point they had long ago given up waiting, had been married for quite some time, and were raising a family.
In Australia, my partner and I refer to each other as partners (since Australians know this to mean we are in a de facto partnership). Outside of Australia, we commonly go by either boyfriend and girlfriend or by husband and wife, whichever provides better clarity to whoever we're talking to. On our official paperwork, we used the date we moved in together as our anniversary. However, between ourselves, we use the dates that we admitted our feelings to each other as our anniversary. I say "dates" because we were on opposite sides of the world at the time — indeed we had not even met face-to-face yet — and that conversation happened to take place after midnight on his end and before midnight on mine, so that is how we try to celebrate it.
It's interesting to me how much "official" status influences — but does not fully dictate — how we actually perceive our relationships.
We were going to graduate and if we didn't choose to stay together, we were going to end up on opposite sides of the US. So, we made a formal commitment. It is a bet that has paid off over a couple of decades, although we did need a couple years of couples counseling to make it work.
I highly recommend John Gottman's books about relationships. tldr, resentment and contempt make life together impossibly difficult and more trouble than it is worth. He has a lot more insights but that one stuck with me.
Resentment is what I’d feel in either of your shoes (for a life given up).
But it sounds like both of you have made peace with what you have and where you are now. All the power to you!
I don't see anything in their comment about a life given up? Unless you just mean that they made a choice, in which case all of us give up dozens of lives every day.
It seems like each year I find something else to like and respect about who he is and how he lives his life. He is an excellent partner in life and a good person. Choosing between good things is hard, but it has not been a bad choice at all.
Edit and we have fun together.
I feel that most long term relationships are a version of this anyway, so that didn't occur to me. Anytime you decide to live in the same location as another person for 5-10+ years, it will probably determine the direction of your life, not to mention the more subtle ways we are impacted by the people we are close with.
After 14 years together my girlfriend mentioned she'd always vaguely wanted to get married. It had never really occurred to me that I would. So we did. It was a nice day. Only time I've worn a suit this century. I often still forget I'm married, even after eight years. We both forgot our anniversary this year.
I suggest not overthinking it. It doesn't have to be a big thing. Also I make wedding rings if you want some :)
This is so hilariously chill and calm, I love it.
I went to therapy weekly for two months before I decided I was ready to propose. I was terrified at the time of commitment but going to the therapist helped me decide it was the right decision. 18 years and 3 beutiful, emotionally complex and super expensive daughters later, I'm really glad we got married and can't imagine not having gone through with it. In retrospect, getting married is the easy part. Having children is fucking hard (but still amazing).
I don't know that there was ever a specific time where I thought, Yes, I'm going to marry her. I wouldn't say I'm opposed to marriage, just that often it feels like it's for other people (e.g., the State) and not necessarily for the couple. Did getting married change the way my relationship operated in any significant way? Not really, besides being able to use my wife's healthcare and filing taxes jointly, not much is different.
But my wife's a little more traditional than me and I knew it was what she wanted and like I said, I'm not opposed to it. (I just would've been content either way).
Anyway: It was the natural next step for us. We were friends in high school, became closer friends in college, began dating my sophomore year and were together for 5 years before I proposed and had been living together for 3. It'll be 4 years of being married next week and 10 years of being together at the end of the month.
We were together for 4-5 years when I proposed, but I had a strong feeling pretty early on.
Make sure you're on the same page about the big stuff - kids, money, general desired lifestyle, religion (if that's a thing that matters to either of you), etc.
As long as you have that and can work through disagreements on the minor stuff in a healthy and reasonably productive manner, you'll probably be okay.
I would strongly recommend living with your significant other for at least 6 months to a year before getting engaged. You will learn a lot about each other - even if you've been dating for years prior.
A few other random pieces of advice:
Travel with your partner if you can. (I know this isn't always feasible). You will naturally wind up in some uncomfortable situations and learn how you handle them together. Bonus points if it's to somewhere neither of you speak the language fluently.
The time/place you ask should be a surprise, but the question itself shouldn't be. You should know what the answer will be before you ask the question.
if you're buying a ring for this and the other person is okay with it, try to explore some options with them so you (and they!) know what they like. I can't tell you how many friends I have (including my wife) who went in to the process with a "firm" idea of what they wanted and then changed their minds completely after actually trying some rings on.
We were together for 7 years before I proposed. I don’t have a fairy tale answer like “I knew we’d marry the moment I met her” or anything like that. We simply worked, and we kept working and after nearly a decade I figured…it’s time because I knew she wanted it to be official. I’m indifferent to marriage frankly but we’re happy together and she just gets me and that’s that, I don’t like getting mushy about it.
To me the fold facts are there’s probably dozens of women out there that could be perfect for me and in the end you just have to choose. You could live in agony second guessing it but that’s true for every life choice.
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart
Jaded sarcasm aside, it's important not to jump in before you are both ready. And talking about kids is important. You don't have to necessarily decide right away, but the dialog to know what each other thinks is imperative.
We lived together for 15 years before my wife and I got married. Though she hinted at marriage every once in a while during those years, it was me who was hesitant. Not that I didn't want to be with her, but I didn't really see the point: we already bought a house together, we had an official "samenlevingscontract" (which is a notarial deed in which two persons that live together agree to take care of each other financially), we even dealt with our testaments and made each other our respective beneficiaries. So why should we marry if we had such an unbreakable bond? Wasn't it already crystal clear that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her?
That was my reasoning, or so I thought. But who knows, maybe marriage is not all about financial stability and piece of mind? The conversation about marriage kept returning, and we dug a little deeper. Only then my main objection became clear: though I loved her and was prepared to vow to stay with her, I was scared as shit about all the fuss that comes with the day of marriage. I didn't want to be the center of attention, I didn't want to choose who should be at my wedding and who not, actually, I just didn't want a wedding the way a wedding is supposed to be.
But what is a wedding supposed to be? It is our day and we can organize it however we want it, she told me. We are not doing this for anyone but us. And so we ended up saying I will in a romantic, medieval town hall with just a handful of people, and we both enjoyed every second of it.
Very relevant is what Nick Cave wrote about this in one of his marvellous Red Hand Files. I read it only after I was married, but I think he is right: I should just have married my then girlfriend. Not for any legal, cultural or religious reason, but because it would make her happy.
Of course, this is my story, and you might struggle with other considerations. We don’t have kids, to name just one. Nevertheless, I think that even though marriage is a big decision, let’s just not forget that the premise is very simple: two people who like to be together. It is not more (or less) monumental than that. I wish you all the luck. You'll be fine.
Crap, I didn't think I would end up commenting on this one. I knew I wanted to be married in some strange, far-off concept. I continued my relationship knowing that at some day it "would happen" or I'd break it off - I've gotten to the point where I would immediately break off a relationship if things weren't working out.
My now-wife said she didn't care about a big wedding and we always talked like 'it's going to happen at some point' but never knowing when it would.
Honestly, I sat stewing on that idea for some time. I am absolutely petrified of having kids and divorcing (I was a child of a terrible marriage) but I realize that 1) if the marriage is terrible we can divorce before it becomes serious (it's really funny to think of marriage as 'not so serious' but really it isn't THAT serious until you have kids) and 2) where will you be in one year? 2 years? If you quit now would you likely look back on it with regret of not trying to go further? (for me this was one of the thoughts that really struck me)
There's no easy answer when you get to this junction and pondering it often left me with nothing. These 2 thoughts helped me get to the point of being ready-ish. She eventually had a bout of doubt that I would ever commit which led me to admit I was planning on proposing and had already bought a ring but didn't show her. I (2 months later) surprised her with a proposal in Thailand.
Simply put - there's no easy answer because if it was easy more people wouldn't do it and instead just jump the gun and make big mistakes. It's also a bigger mistake not to at least try because it's too easy to give in to fear while also easier to reap the burdens of not trying to accomplish something.
I can say from watching others, it might be easier/better to rush into a marriage to some degree because some people drop the image they try to present when you enter a marriage and, if kids are on the table, leave more truly serious things to a later date because it's not hard to back out of something if there are not large consequences.
I don't see it mentioned yet but waitbutwhy's series of blog posts have informed me quite a lot on how I choose to make the decision. Here's the first in the series.
It's definitely more of a rational approach to choosing a life partner and works well with my personality.
One of those moments where a random internet link can change your life. Thank you.
That is an amazing discussion. I got a lot of benefit from John Gottman's books, but your link points to a short, to the point, witty, insightful discussion. I will be recommending this.
We'd been dating for a couple years and living together for a little while, and we both were pretty long-term committed. And my student visa was about to be up and it wouldn't have been easily renewable, so it was either uproot my whole life and force me back to the US or take advantage of her citizenship in anither Schengen area country.
In the end, marriage hasn't been much different than when we were in a committed long-term relationship, other than the occasional Borat joke. But ofc we eloped so that was a big factor. I like to joke that we're the ones going back to the real purpose of marriage, to serve as a legal and economic union.
We'll be together 7 years next month, married for 2.5 years. The actual signing of the papers, legal version of marriage was because of Covid actually. It was late 2020, and due to family circumstances we'd realised that if either of us got sick, we would have 0 legal say over the other, nor even be allowed in the hospital room.
The decision came when we were talking about that and we looked across the room to each other... And I went "oh shit we're gonna have to get married" LOL. 1.5 months later we did! And we weren't the only ones, more than a few of my friends in long term relationships did exactly the same.
In fairness, we had been looking at engagement rings before the pandemic already, so it's not completely pandemic-triggered hah. The pandemic just got our ass in gear because, well, we we're already gonna spend our lives together, so might as well let the government know.
But I knew I was going to marry him within 3 weeks of us dating, so there was no doubt at all on my head at any point. I had already made the decision years ago, all that was left was the paperwork :)
Marriage isn't particularly meaningful to me, but I had already decided that I wanted to be with my partner for the rest of my life, our finances had been combined for many years, and we owned a house together - we were married by most general meanings of the word except the government records. So one time we were on vacation in NYC, having a picnic in central park, and I pretty much just thought it would be fun to propose to him. I asked "Do you want to get married?" He smiled and said "How about tomorrow?"
We got married in a courthouse, which pissed off every mother and aunt in our lives. A few months later a global pandemic saved us from being guilted into throwing a local wedding/reception, and we lived happily in peace for the rest of our days.
Our honeymoon in Bulgaria was unfortunately cut short on March 13, 2020, and I have yet to take him back there. However, you know how people say you should travel with someone to determine compatibility? I highly recommend traveling with someone right at the beginning of a massive global pandemic, experiencing a lockdown in a foreign Eastern European city, and seeing how you two handle it when you have to book an early flight home from your honeymoon because everyone you know is blowing up your phone at 4am about how "TRUMP CLOSED ALL TRAVEL INTO THE US!!!" Honestly, all I could think about was how glad I was that my husband was the person I was stuck with in that situation. We are kind and supportive of each other no matter the circumstances. Whether that is being stranded overseas during a pandemic, resolving an argument we're having, or setting up a tent in the rain, we always keep a sense of humor and level-headedness. It is a wonderful thing to have this kind of person in your life permanently. That is what marriage (really, committed long term relationships) means to me.
Anyway, being technically married has changed nothing in our lives except our taxes, and now I have a word to call him which accurately describes our relationship in the eyes of other people.
To specifically answer your questions: we've been married for almost 4 years, living with each other for 7 years, together for 9 years. We definitely agreed beforehand that we would not have children.
You and I seem to be on opposite sides of the spectrum! Marriage felt like a small, easy choice to make in my life, though I do admit that most people don't feel that way. Probably, the way you feel is closer to "normal," though the words "impossible" and "monumental" are quite strong! I'm curious why it feels like an impossible choice for you. Also, what are you picturing as the "choice?" Choosing between being married vs. being single? Choosing between your current partner or a potential future partner? Choosing when or how to do it?
Like every big life decision, she told me what to do and I did it.
Seriously tho we were dating about 2 years and she got in a car accident. Nothing major but more than just a fender bender.She called my sobbing. I realized at that moment I couldn't imagine her not being in my life.
28, 29 years. Hmm. Maybe 30. I should look into that. My anniversary is this week.
Similar but not so traumatic. We were living together and she had been crying about the stress of hiding it from her mother. She just couldn't stand the thought of telling her she'd been having sex before marriage.
So I was laying in bed thinking about it and how I didn't like the stress she was under. So I rolled over and asked if she wanted to get married. We went and got a cheap 10 dollar over the counter ring from Walmart at 2am that night. I did do a public proposal a few months later which was it's own dramatic affair (I wasn't a church member so future in law was not happy).
It's been almost 15 years now and we're still loving it.
You can't predict what the future will bring but you can tell if you want to try holding onto the person in front of you.
I knew a lot earlier than she did. To me it was really clear that we fitted together well, that we functioned well as a team, that we enjoyed each others' company, etc, and it just made sense that we were going to get married. But she was a bit more unsure, and wanted to move in together first, which I could understand the logic behind.
In the end, we made a deal that she'd ask me to marry her when she was ready, which I think took a bit of pressure off us, because I wasn't trying to figure out if she had decided yet and if I could ask the question!
Been together 8 years, living together 7.5 years, owned a house together 5 years, married one year.
We would have been married years ago if I hadn't dragged my feet with the kids question. A friend got divorced within a year because he didn't want kids and she did, and I didn't want that to be us. My husband wants kids, I want a kid once they're old enough to talk and am kind of terrified of everything up to that point.
There wasn't really a "decision" involved with regard to whether we wanted to get married, though. I don't remember when we started with the hypothetical "if we got married" comments but it was within the first year for sure (divorced friend was planning their wedding when we got together, so it was a common topic), which morphed into the less-hypothetical "if we do get married", until I came out and said we needed to agree on the kids question before we could. Many boring, heartfelt conversations later we reached an understanding and forgot to include an actual proposal at any point.
I've been married almost 30 years, We were together 7 years before that. Although I think our reasons for marrying were more practical (health insurance, taxes, making sure our spouse would have legal rights to decision making in case the other was in a coma or whatever) we were already committed for the long haul before that. Looking back, and looking at people among my friends and family whose marriages have fallen apart, I offer the following advice.
We'd been dating for about a year and a half, living together for about 9 months or so, she left town for a week and I had absolutely zero contact in that time. I was playing computer games and watching TV when some random wedding show came on and got me thinking about it. I was like 24 at the time.
At any rate, she came back, told her how much I missed her and that we should get married. She thought it was a good idea, so we considered ourselves engaged at that point. From there, we just continued on as usual for the next 3 or so years, got married and that was that.
We've been together for 15 years now, married for 11 in September and I think we're both still pretty happy. We have two kids, which is absolutely a struggle, but we put our relationship before the kids, so that we have a strong foundation for our family. It seems to be working pretty well for us so far.
Ive never wanted to be anything but married. Even when my first wife decided she wanted out after 22 years. So I began to look again and after 5 years of dating, got married again. Been married another 13 years since and I would never want to go back to being single or just 'living together'. Im all in or nothing.
I was engaged twice, to two different people, who I had known for very different lengths of time.
The first time, we met in college and it was a couple years before I thought I was certain that I wanted to marry her. But we were together for like 7 years and I had not formally proposed yet and didn't really have any plans to do so. Then she basically bargained with me to propose and we started our wedding planning shortly after. I was slow to commit to anything during the planning process. Ultimately we separated after about 8 years together, before getting married, though we did lose the deposit for the venue.
The second time, I had known her for a few weeks before I thought I was certain I wanted to marry her. And there was a study, I believe, that showed that men actually fall in love faster than women on average. But I was in my late 20s and we moved in together rather quickly and we were both mature enough and comfortable in our identities that we could focus on truly fostering and evaluating a long term relationship in a relatively short amount of time. I proposed about a year after we met and we were married about a year after that. We've been married for a number of years now and plan to remain that way for the rest of our lives.
For me, personally, I notice that my friends who get married later in life (late 20s and beyond) tend to get married faster (if they want to be married at all) and stay together longer and more happily. I can't say there's a statistical correlation there, it's just anecdotal evidence, but I think there's something to be said for waiting until you're older to make such commitments.
We’d been dating for a couple years and I knew she was looking to settle down with someone and start a family. I’d not had either of those things as strong ambitions but I wasn’t averse to them. We’d had lots of discussions about our families, future goals, strongly held positions, and things like that. One day I asked myself the question “if you wouldn’t marry her then who would be good enough for you to marry?” and the clear answer was that it’d just be selfish of me to say no. We’ve been married over a decade now and have a kid and a house. Pretty stable life in all. I’m glad I chose to go the way I did and would definitely make the same decision again. Marriage involves a lot of open communication and compromise which can be really difficult, but I think if I had run away from having to do those things I’d ultimately be doing so for selfish reasons, and that would cause a whole bunch of sadness and struggle that I don’t want. I love my family.
Together 12 years now, married 6, we moved in together after a year, bought a house together after 3. We decided on house over marriage, it's a much bigger commitment anyways. Got married 3 years after that when we both agreed on a cheap surprise wedding at an annual potluck that both our friends and family join. We didn't want any gifts or pomp, we only told my grandma and sister so they would come as they live far enough away that they don't always come and my wife's parents since they host it.
Although we bought wedding bands, neither of us wear them regularly. We're not much on traditions, I didn't care if she took my last name, we had considered coming up with a new last name but decided against it. She went through the pain of switch names (which is still a pain because we just found our her old name is on the title of the house so we gotta change that as well.)
Been together for 6+ years. Living together 1+.
I asked her and she accepted, but we already knew.
We are only marrying legally. No church (not religious) or party. We are going on a trip to Thailand instead.
The decision was just natural and the obvious next step. We get along great even after 7 years together.
It is just a paper.
My wife and I have been together for 20 years, married for 16. We got married because the American immigration system is an absolute nightmare. We had been together for 4 years, living together for 3.5 and the choice was either we get married or she has to return to her home country. She had been in the US for 8 years by then and had settled her life here. She had two degrees, a good job, a long term partner. It was ridiculous to think that she would be forced to leave. Ultimately it would have happened eventually since we're still together after two decades but I hate that politics forced our hand.
I don’t really believe in marriage, but my wife does and she demanded it. That’s about the whole of it. I think it was about after 2 years of dating and living together? We did decide on kids beforehand.
We were together for 9 years, living together for 3. Decided that it would make the most sense to just get married, since he was making about double what I was at the time. We got married for the tax benefits. It worked out for us! We've been married a few years now and still very happy together. I would hope so, after 14 years of being together lol.
She proposed, in the spur of the moment. I laughed it off, but kept thinking about it. I decided that if she asked again, I'd say yes. She did, and I did, and she put a ring on my finger. We had been dating about three months. We moved in together about six months later and married six months after that. Our thirteenth wedding anniversary is this week.
I had no desire to get married because it didn't mean anything to me beyond a seemingly empty and often false gesture. I did love my wife, though, and planned to have a lifelong partnership with her if circumstances allowed, I just didn't feel the formality was necessary. At some point we had started talking more seriously about the possibility of having children and agreed that it was something we would both desire, but in her case she wanted to be married beforehand. It was important to her and I had no strong feelings either way, so we started making plans to do so. We got married in 2014 after having been together for seven years and recently had our ninth wedding anniversary.
How I decided to get married doesn't matter at all, because the decision making paradigm was centralized around finding "The one" and I no longer believe in such a thing. I now believe every partnership has the potential to be lifelong and fulfilling if the people involved are willing to do the hard work.
The people who "Knew after the first date" are just survivors who are bias, there are an even more marriages that failed after they "Knew after the first date," because they didn't know how to succeed in a partnership or their partner didn't.
Does the person you want to marry bring something into your life, even a package of something's, that no one else can? That's pretty important. Have they shown a willingness to work with you on issues, especially their own? Do they show insight into themselves, life, you? Are they capable of personal growth? Are they willing to put in effort when things are hard? Do they want the same things in life that you do or are the things you want complimentary?
You're never guaranteed success, even if both of you try your hardest, because we become different people as life continues. What you want to look for is someone who, while walking the path laid out before them, will do their best to walk parallel to you as they change.
I wish you all the happiness and success in your marriage!
I think we're both just kinda traditional. Met at 26 or so. I did not think we'd be together forever at first date but figured I'd give it a shot for a bit. I was not a great date either, but... engaged a year later, married at 28. No living together but we basically slept over every night for a year or so.
We waited another 5 or so years before having kids, but had talked about it beforehand. I would have adopted (used to volunteer at an orphanage in college). Shed had bad family experiences with that and didn't want to.
We've fought sometimes. It's not all roses. But we both seem pretty set on compromising and fixing stuff when it happens. Neither of us seems interested in ending it afaict.
In our 40s now so 15ish years. It's good. I got no regrets.
I think it's kinda a "just jump" if you want to thing. I've seen marriages "fail" that seemed much better than ours, and "succeed" that seemed much worse. It's not the end of the world either way.
I'm writing on mobile, so this will be short. I was deeply in love during our first year together, but we dated for 7 years because of me.
I loved my now wife and still do, but I hated the idea of marriage because of how I viewed my parent's marriage. It was a chain and shackle that locked otherwise sensible people into a bad deal. Why involve the church (if you're religious) and/or government in a personal matter? Further, after 7 years, why does the church or government bring you more security than my faithfulness to you all these years?
My short answer to these two questions is Disney. They were taught a happy romantic relationship ends in a Disney marriage. Sure, religion compounds this notion, but in my case, my wife and I are atheists.
So why did I propose?
Simple. I love my wife. It was a dream of hers, and I was indifferent. It was just another romantic gift to me. She knew how I felt about marriage and still stuck with me for 7 years. We were and still are each other's person.
Opinion:
I'd argue that if your sig other is giving an ultimatum for marriage, then things could be on a doomed path. To me, this kind of thinking suggests they desire the idea more than they desire you.
Food for thought. I gave my now husband an ultimatum for marriage, because staying with him would require me to live in a different region of the country and make significant career sacrifices. It worked out well in the end, but I wasn't willing to do that without a symbol of commitment as well as the tax and medical benefits that come with the government piece of paper.
Hey! Thank you for your thoughtful rebuttal.
I made a deliberately strong opinion statement, but I completely understand your situation. The appropriateness of an ultimatum is circumstantial. Wanting strong evidence for commitment is one thing, but "If you don't do this, then I will find someone that will" is another. People are learning that marriage should not be a surprise; the proposal should be a surprise. Ideally, several discussions about marriage should have come up before the proposal.
I cannot fault anyone for giving or following through (on either side) with a reckless ultimatum. Finding a significant other is such a personal and vulnerable process. We like to hold onto what we have.