Is it wise to relapse into an episode before you get treatment?
I've been writing and rewriting this to make it more formal, but I've decided to screw it because the original was raw and can probably describe my needs better than my rewrites could ever. So apologies if it doesn't fit the tone of Tildes
As of right now, I am currently not seeing anyone for my mental health. However, I'm in the process of getting help. I already have a consultation form for one and all I have to is figure out if I'm saying too much because one part ended up being like 16 paragraphs long and I don't think mental health professionals like that...
Anyways, I've been having trouble getting myself to clean. There's a gap between my bed and the wall that I put in case I ever got bedbugs (never got bedbugs in my life) and what ended up happening is various items of clothing would fall into that gap without me knowing. Which led to a whole bunch of carpet beetles suddenly flying in my room a month and a half ago.
Here's my concern: I did have a period where I found fleas in my room, and after seeing them a few times I went on a cleaning spree. Eventually my dad had to stop me because I was deep cleaning the house every single day, and when I wasn't doing that I was researching about pest control. When I wasn't able to clean I ended up researching too deeply on pest control, which led me to find out about scabies. Which led me to a delusion that I had scabies, then went straight back to my cleaning frenzy again, this time with this newfound fear that I'm infesting my family with scabies if I don't babywipe or vacuum everything.
Then one day, I started getting psychosomatic hallucinations that matched the symptoms of scabies. At night, I wouldn't be able to sleep because I would feel hundreds of bugs crawling inside my skin every time it got dark, forcing me to sleep with 3 lamps around me to mitigate the sensation. Every time I got out of a hot shower I could feel it too, but not as strongly as at night. And then when I sought out a dermatologist, because there was no way I didn't have scabies if I was going through all these symptoms, it just suddenly... stopped? Which was my biggest indicator that it wasn't scabies, because it would have never stopped if it was scabies.
It was a... bizarre experience for sure, but an impactful one. Especially now that it's been about a year since it all went down, and I've been having trouble sleeping because my room gets so stuffy. I keep my window open at all times, even when I'm too cold to sleep, just because the air is so musky and makes me feel like I'm on the edge of throwing up. I don't feel hunger in my room, and all I can think of is how there's carpet beetles in those gaps and how I will have to clean them when I get better. Because I don't want to repeat what happened last year. I don't want to clean and have these stupid carpet beetles or whatever else I find in that gap briefly take over my life like those fleas and imaginary scabies did. For the past few years I've been swinging between moments of depressive symptoms, grandiosity, and paranoia one after another and a few months ago is the first time in five years since I stopped having these back-to-back moments and I just... can't have another one again. Not until I get help.
But it has come to my attention that help might take a long time. If I need therapy, that might take months, if not years, and there's a good chance if I need medication I won't find the perfect one right away. So either I have to wait until months or years of my room rotting more and more or I clean it now. To clean knowing full well that I might relapse into another stupid paranoid episode because it was a trigger before and can be a trigger now.
I don't know. I don't know what to do. I want to clean but I don't want to trigger what I went through in the past again. I don't want to trigger anything. Any causes to my episodes I keep it in my head and make it a rule to avoid at all cost, but how do I avoid cleaning when it's impacting my physical health not to clean? I know I should get help, get treatment, but I shouldn't do anything funny while I wait for the perfect solution right? When I have the right treatment and coping mechanisms I can tackle my triggers, so best not to clean? If that's a trigger? I hate this. I just want guidance
I usually don't comment on mental health anything on the internet, but I have three bits of advice.
You can start the process of getting help now. It can take awhile to find the right tools to deal with your fears: whether that be medication, ways to reframe your thinking from a good therapist, or something else. It won't hurt to start reaching out to local therapists or practitioners to put yourself on their wait list or get any referrals you might need. You're not alone, and you've gotten better before so you can definitely do it again!
This sounds a lot like classic OCD including the rituals and delusions and fear. It's often called "the doubting disease", and the memes in pop culture really don't capture how it feels or how devastating it can be. I'm not a licensed professional, so take the opinion of this random internet stranger with a grain of salt.
Consider going outside and touching grass. Not even being ironic, the worst part about some mental illnesses is how they take over your thinking and get you stuck in a toxic mental cycle. The best thing you can do is find new situations and people that break your routines and expose you to new things that you can enjoy. If that's too stressful, pick up a hobby with some manual component whether that be working out, going on walks, biking, modelling, painting, or whatever. Anything that helps break those mental cycles. It's easier said than done, but lifestyle changes have so many positive knock-on effects.
I would definitely recommend looking into psychotherapy right away. The benefits can be tremendous and you have nothing to lose (besides your money, but consider it an investment that may save you money in the long run).
Given that you're not in a crisis, I wouldn't recommend going straight to a psychiatrist just because it's quite possible therapy alone can resolve the issue (edit: and a psychiatrist is unlikely to give medication if you're not presenting any symptoms at the moment anyway). But I would recommend reporting your concerns to your general practitioner, as they are trained to screen for mental health issues and can refer you to another professional.
Edit: That said, I'm not a doctor, just someone who has been to a lot of psychiatrists and therapists. These are merely my opinions.
Edit2: if you can get the psychiatrist sooner than the therapist, than, by all means, see a psychiatrist!
Thank you! I really want to do psychotherapy, or just any non-mainstream type of therapy, because I've been dealing with things that I feel like no one else around me is dealing with. Depression feels different from my friends and family, and none of them go through these periods of grandiosity or turn stupid things like fleas into bouts of paranoia, which is weird because they're all pretty severely mentally ill, and yet I'm still a black sheep somehow. College counselors just get sort of stuck during our appointments because I've just worked out all the things that are commonly dealt with in mental health and am just left with things that have no discernible causes or trauma attached to them, which they can't help with apparently. Best help I get is from my local NAMI group, but I know they're just as limited as my college counselors are. I feel like I need more.
Also I appreciate the psychiatrist advice. They're generally way more expensive, especially since I'm 20 years old, dependent on my parents' health insurance, and am avoiding the EOB by paying out-of-pocket for all this (Also, please don't tell me to tell my parents. If you want I can explain it but it's an entire story on its own.), so I'll probably have a much easier time finding a therapist instead. Though I did find a nurse practitioner that's half of my paycheck in case I do need medication for whatever reason. I did tell my PCP about my less concerning symptoms since I was new and was just testing the waters, but I'll make sure to tell him at my next annual wellness checkup (also refused any referrals despite his consideration because I am scared of that EOB)
Given the new information that you shared, I would stress a recommendation for you to see any health professional as soon as you can. If your university has counseling or any kind of health or mental health service, I suggest you seek it ASAP. It doesn't matter if it's a general practitioner, counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Whatever you can see soon.
Good luck ;)
Is it the act of cleaning that’s a trigger, personally seeing and feeling whatever is there, or is the mere idea/knowledge that it’s happening enough? If it’s only the former, you could ask family, friends, or hire a professional to clean the trouble spot (and better the entire room) while you’re out of the area.
This is good advice with OCD...as long as the act of checking with someone else or hiring a cleaner doesn't become a ritual itself. Talking with an unbiased third party can really help someone take a step back and let things go.
The specifics I don't know, because to be honest I don't know if it's actually a trigger I have currently. I just note the cause in my head (which in this case is the act of cleaning, plus seeing the bugs in front of me. The idea/knowledge I can cope with now.) because if it happened once it means I'm more susceptible to another relapse (one, two,, three, and four. All studies are different disorders to make sure I'm not putting my symptoms in one disorder before treatment.) and I'd rather not go through that pain again.
I can try to take the advice of someone else doing it for me, though I don't think friends or family really want to help. I forgot to mention I live with my parents who don't like having strangers, both hired and not hired, at their house, so I try not to bring anyone over, but I'll consider a professional cleaner if I feel I have to. Thank you for the advice!
I've also played with the thought of calling a friend to talk to me while I clean so I'm not stuck with my own thoughts, plus as a way to check in on me the following days, but none of my friends are close enough to want to do that for me. (Maybe checking-in, but none of them have the guts to deal with me if I get worse, which is the biggest reason for checking in on me.) Just info on the singular solution I've thought of.
I know this is not the same situation at all, but just on the theme of having someone present with you to help ground you - for ADHD, cleaning or other tasks can be really hard to do alone. My mom and my sister and I sit with each other and just the presence helps. For times they can't, there are sometimes videos I'll pull up of people doing a task. I haven't jumped into live streams but those exist too and a group of people all do tasks "alone together", your own video and mic optional. Idk if that would be at all remotely helpful, but I wanted to mention the idea in case it seemed like a tool that you might use. It's called "body doubling" if you want to look into it.
I also second everyone else - it's more than okay to seek out help at any time. It sounds like this is causing you distress anyway, but you don't need to wait to be in active crisis/"full blown" relapse to do so. I speak as someone who is always relearning that same lesson. You deserve help and you deserve a good quality of life. ✨
I read everything that you wrote. I think it would be good if you got help as soon as possible. Don't spend more time rewriting your existing answers. You can try to be brief with your answers moving forward. Just try your best to turn in the form.
RE: the question in your title, I would have to say no.
Good luck. You can do this!
The sooner you get help, the better. Don't worry about editing what you wrote, it's more important that you seek help before things get any worse. Your first step should always be to see a health care professional to get a diagnosis so you know where to go from there. I made the mistake of putting off getting help for many years, and as a result I am dealing with a lot of stuff I wouldn't have had to had I taken my own issues seriously and asked for help.
After reading everyone else's responses here I don't have too much to add except this - you might could send your parents out of the house for a little while if they object to being around strangers. They could go on a nature walk, or a soothing drive, etc.
No.
Given that you are showing psychotic symptoms (hallucinations) you need to see a psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse practitioner.
Read the whole thing. Not to play the role of any healthcare professional whatsover, but I do recommend enlisting the help of cleaning services and routine pest inspectors if you have the budget for it. Or else, ask your dad for help if he knows someone who might be able to help out by referring a budget-friendly cleaning service and pest inspection service. Once the pest inspection service clears your room, then you know (logically) that it's not pests in your room. Then, the cleaning service is there to keep your room clean. See if this helps out in the meantime while your seeking professional help.