I lost my older brother and my mother gave up
I'll try to be brief.
I lost my older brother March this year. Barely a year after I moved to the same city as him, he passed away from a bacterial infection he got in a hospital. He went for stomach surgery, everything went fine. Suddenly, a month later, this bacterial infection got to his brain and he was gone.
It was a big shock to our family and things are not the same anymore. My parents are old, mother is 73, father is 78.
My mother is simply just existing these days. She is barely eating and is now weighing 48kgs (105 lbs). She needed to go to the hospital a couple of days ago because she was so weak.
She already had problems before the death of my brother. She is losing her eyesight and despite all the treatments, it does not get better. She can see up close, she can use her smartphone, but it's hard for her to recognize people if they are not right up in her face.
She has three hernias and can't stand too much. She can get up to make breakfast or coffee, but after 20 minutes has to lie down because of pain. It does not help that she barely eats and is getting weaker every day.
She does not want to go to a psychologist. She just says she is not crazy and won't go. I tried contacting one that can go to her house, but she says she simply won't open the door. My father is trying to convince her, but I know it won't change.
I can understand her and I can't see what more can I do. She never had much going for her, now her oldest (and dearest) son is dead all of a sudden, she has all this physical pain going on for years, eyesight getting worse and I can understand the fact that she simply don't care for it anymore. She simply lost her appetite.
She is going to doctors to take exams, she did a battery of tests and everything seems fine. Even her cholesterol which was problematic is fine.
He prescribed something to help with her appetite and vitamins, but it is not the first time. Don't think this will change much.
I don't know really what I'm asking here. I sometimes think I should do more, but there is already my father which lives with her and my other brother who is there in the same city. I already tried sending a psychologist to help her at home, I don't know what more can I do.
I go visit every two or three weeks (i am going for christmas and new year) and she is the same way. 80% of the time lying down in the couch, she gets up to make food or coffee, go sit in the front of the house for some time, then it's time to go to bed. This is repeated every day.
It's not like it was much different before, but at least she ate some food. There was a day that she just ate an apple and that was it.
She goes out of the house if she needs, like going to the doctor or groceries, but avoids for any other reason.
I have a lot of sympathy for your situation. I lost my mom last year after her ALS grew too overwhelming for her to handle, and it was really hard for everyone around her. Grief after losing someone is hard, and if it's only 9 months after losing your brother, grief can still be overwhelming, especially when no one saw the death coming and had no time to come to terms with it.
The problem with all of the solutions you're trying is that until she wants to live, none of them will take. If she's in constant physical and emotional pain, having lost one of the key people in her life, being unable to engage with the world, and dealing with a failing body... before she can want to live, she has to want to find a reason. And if she doesn't, there's only so much you can do to force her to stay.
You talk about all of the steps you've taken to try to take care of your mom; what are the steps you're taking to take care of yourself? You lost a family member as well, and it sounds like you're putting a lot of time and attention into taking care of your mom. If you don't have a therapist of your own, I strongly suggest you find one. It'll be helpful, both now in dealing with your brother's death and your mother's decline, and in the future as other things happen.
I think I am doing OK for the most part. I eat well, lift weights, walk our dogs
Recently my wife and I went on a trip to Thailand. It was nice, but feels like life lost it's color. With him suddenly passing, my mother in this situation and my father being 78 (he is strong and does not have a single issue), it feels like I am just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I'm living the moment between tragedies.
Me and my late brother were not close due to our age differences and because he moved to another city almost two decades ago, but he visited almost every week. Now that I am living in the same city as him we were starting to talk more and suddenly this happened.
There are days that I am better as if nothing happened, but there are days that I just go through the motions.
I'm glad you're continuing to take care of yourself in the day to day. Do you have someone who you can talk to outside of the family? I often think about Ring Theory in moments like this; you're going through a rough patch, and so is everyone around you. Even if it's just to talk, do you have someone who can be a helping ear and let you process? A place where you can talk about what you're going through where you don't have to filter yourself? Everyone needs to be able to get support from somewhere, and having a support network means that when life strikes an unkind blow you don't take the full hit alone. A close friend who won't judge you may work, but I really did like having a professional to talk to. For me, paying someone meant that I could just speak my mind and trust that if they had feelings about the situation they could handle those elsewhere, rather than there needing to be emotional reciprocity.
But whatever you choose to do, I wish you all the very best in navigating this difficult time. It's never easy to lose a family member or live through the decline of a parent. Take care of yourself.
Thanks for the kind words. As much as I have my wife who I trust very much and is extremely supportive, sometimes when they want to help I feel that there is a little judgment even if not intentional.
When I said my mother didn't want to see a therapist and there is not much to do, she said I need to be more convincing. I understand where she is coming from, but it feels like she is saying that I should do more, that i'm not doing enough. I know she does not mean that, but like you said this makes me filter more what I say to her.
I'll probably seek professional help.
Maybe you can try to convey that to your spouse in a non confrontational way. I would want to know if my input would lead to more pain or pressure for my loved ones and would adapt to it. Everybody grieves differently and sharing what kind of help you need, would probably help her in supporting you.
Thanks. Yes, communication is key. I'll do that.
Have you reached out to her primary care physician? Try and get her a visit to follow up on the last ER visit. She sounds very depressed. Due to her weakened state, there may be home health options as well, but her not being actually homebound will affect this. A good PCP can help navigate the medical system, and they will hopefully work to keep her out of the emergency room.
Only slightly related, i worked with an older patient recently who started aqua therapy at a local pool and loved it. Finding her enjoyable things to do that can be scheduled might be a good idea too
Thanks. My father goes with her in all her appointments and it is not the first time that a doctor said she needed help for depression. She simply does not want to follow up. She was given meds, but it had side effects and she stopped.
Regarding aqua therapy, she was referred in the past, but like with everything else she simply does not want to go. Even with physiotherapy she goes two or three times and does not want to go anymore.
She is absurdly stubborn for these things and it's always been like this.
The doctor prescribed vitamins and she is already saying she won't buy because she is not amnemic. I am certain I'll have to buy online and send to her.
It sounds like you’re doing all the right stuff. Unfortunately, from a medical perspective, we can’t help people who don’t want it.
Does she have any pets? My parents have cats and now that all my siblings and I are grown and out of the house, the cats give them a lot of joy and entertainment, and since they get walked on leashes, they even encourage some extra exercise.
We had to put down our dog about 2 years ago and she does not want pets anymore. She never walked our dog during his 17 years of life.
I always take one of my dogs with me when I visit and it does occupy them and they like him, so there is that. But owning a pet is not something she wants.
Thanks for the help. I will insist and try to talk her into going to therapy, but it will be a long battle.
If she never walked the old dog once, what you're actually suggesting is forcing his dad to take care of and train a puppy on top of everything else in the vague hope that seeing a baby animal will restore his mom's will to live. I loathe this idea.
I think this is bad advice. I see where you're coming from, but as someone who has to deal with an animal I've never asked for (because of... reasons), this can easily become an additional source of stress. And it's not even good for the animal. Either you're 100% sure you want an animal, or you leave it alone.
I agree, and if you are going to do something like that, at least do it with something that doesn't have a terribly long lifespan and is relatively low maintenance, like a gerbil which average around 2-4 years.
I'm not sure there is a "solution" for your mother's grief. It's every parent's nightmare to lose a child and as we age, we already experience so many losses, including the loss of physical functions and often the loss of friends. Adding the death of a child on top of that is just... overwhelming. Honestly, 9 months is not long to process such a massively deep blow... I dont have much wisdom, other than to be with her, show her you love her, and allow her to grieve what she needs to grieve. She's 73, she may be better in a few years, but she may not.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Others have touched on well the practical advice. I'll try to offer this tiny bit of solace, coming from someone who might someday find themselves in your parent's shoes.
Me and my wife, when we only had 1 child, discussed what we would do if they died before us. Our consensus is that we would basically stop trying to live. We wouldn't commit suicide directly, but we'd probably start smoking again and trying out some of those hard drugs we didn't bother with in our 20's. Our lives would have no meaning anymore. Now that we have two children, but the answer is basically still the same, with the caveat that we pull it together for the sake of our other child, at a bare minimum until they're a fully functional adult. I empathize with your parents, given that you sound pretty fully-functional. They're also rapidly approaching or passed average life expectancy, so I'm pretty sure I would have tapped out too. Even now, in the best of times, I struggle to be there for both of my children in the way I want to be... I can't even imagine how hard it would be when dealing with such immense grief. Depression does a hell of a lot of damage and causes unwanted self-destruct spirals that the victim feels almost compelled to follow instead of fight...
If I were in your parents shoe's, I could see not wanting to deal with the grief and just start waiting to die. I see it happening with other older folks in my life, whom have lost their spouses: A pair of 90+ year old great-grandmas whom lost their husbands 8+ years ago, and now are mostly just waiting to die...ambivalent or miserable in their daily existence but not wanting to do anything more. Feeling like addressing the grief properly will be harder than just coping with it for their last few years. And/or they're close enough to the end of the road they're just making peace with the fact that they too are on the way out.
Also my own parents, not quite as old as yours even, also refuse to see any level of therapist or psychologist because of their deeply internalized stigmas about mental health. I'm sad to say I'm doubtful you'll be winning that particular battle if that's the case on your end.
Good on you for doing your best. Make the time with them you can. But sadly, if they feel as I do, no matter how much they love you.....a large piece of them died with your brother. To them, it's like living with just 1 lung now instead of 2....every day, every breath, is a reminder and a struggle to keep moving. The only solace you can take from that is they'd feel the same if it was you.
Oof. I feel this really keenly. I don't have kids and never will, and after losing my mom it took me more than a year and clear communication from my wife that our relationship was on shaky ground to start properly reengaging with the world. I'm now working really hard to find reasons to stay; causes I believe in, people who really bring joy to my days, a life worth living every day rather than just buckling down and dreaming of a retirement one day. Life has to be worth it now, or what am I doing?
Thanks. That's what I feel it's happening too. And to an extent I think it's selfish to keep pushing her to see a therapist. If life is just going through the motions for her and she's done with it, who am I to say that she needs to do things she does not want to do?
It's complicated, because while I understand there is depression, Is it really "depression" if you are already frail, old and just lost your son? Sometimes depression is justifiable.
Yea, my doc and I worked for quite some time, because depression can exist in absence of a cause, but if there is a cause, no amount of medication is going to solve it long term until that cause is addressed.
Honestly, when I think about the topic and what else you've shared in the comments, I think you've done all that you can. I've never experienced anything remotely like what you have; I won't pretend to fully understand. Without trying to be discouraging, were it me I think I'd stop looking for solutions, and instead try to decide what was important to me now.
As in, trying as best I can to put myself in it, I think id want to make sure my mom knew I understood her. She's got every right to give up, so to speak. She can make that choice and I have no option but to accept it; it's her life. I can work against it, I can try, but if it's what she truly wants, those efforts won't go anywhere anyway. If that's how it's gonna be, for now and possibly ever, then I'm gonna at least have her understand what it is she is leaving, express the stuff I feel is important. If that doesn't mean enough to change, then so be it. That's just the power of what happened, is how I think id choose to see that. The point would be to be able to say nothing was left undone. Then I know for sure, this is her choice, and with that I can reach some semblance of peace. It's not what I'd want, but it's not my choice to make.
I really dont intend to come off detached or unempathetic, I'm sorry if any of that reads like that. I have a relative struggling in a similar way, albeit under very different circumstances, and it's been really difficult to figure out how we want to proceed with it. In the end, at least within my family, we all concluded similar things - we'd do what we could, and if that didn't go anywhere, just try to be available if they do want anything. Be ready to act, but prepared never to get the call, is perhaps the way to put it. That relative knows where we stand and is refusing help anyway, so there really isn't anything more we can do. We've got our own lives too. My dad and I had a particular way of putting it: Everybody has their ship to sail, and as the captain, in the end only you decide what happens. If somebody decides, they're tossing the oars and just letting the sails loose, there is not anything we can do to keep them with our flotilla. We'll try - that's what it means to us, to be a family - but if they don't want it, the only choice is to keep sailing with what remains, and keep a space open for them.
Ask her if she's maladaptive daydreaming. What she's doing sounds a lot like what I do (I have MDD, anxiety, and ADHD). And I do this especially during grief coupled with the inability to process/express emotions.
Some quotes from articles about it:
"The content of daydreams can be richly detailed and fantastical, while others feature an idealized version of the daydreamer. Maladaptive daydreaming may develop as a coping strategy in response to trauma, as the inner world may feel safer than the experience happening outside."
"A person can exhibit one or more symptoms of maladaptive daydreaming, including:
Intense, vivid daydreams that present as a story, with characters (real or fake), settings, and plotlines
Daydreams that are triggered by real-world events or sensory stimuli
Unconscious facial expressions, repetitive body movements, or talking or whispering that accompany daydreams
Daydreams that last for several minutes to hours
A strong or addictive desire to keep daydreaming (and often repeating the same daydream over and over)
Trouble focusing and completing daily tasks due to daydreams
Trouble sleeping"
It's a cathartic way to process my feelings and the events that happen in my life, but for me (and possibly your mom) it has completely taken over my life. But I don't have a better way of coping that helps me to feel seen and heard, even if I am seen and heard. Idk if that makes sense.
Maladaptive daydreamers can often get very emotional within the daydreams, and can also develop emotional ties to the characters in the story.
If this turns out to be what she's experiencing/doing, try to help her write her stories down, or suggest she speak them aloud into a recorder if she can't write or type. It may help.
Anyway, I'm wishing the best for the both of you.