That's very akin to what I have been told for a long time, about "love" - it's not a feeling, it's a series of actions. (Once distinguished from abuse:) It's choosing to extend a hug even when you...
Exemplary
That’s hope. It’s not a mood. It’s an action.
That's very akin to what I have been told for a long time, about "love" - it's not a feeling, it's a series of actions. (Once distinguished from abuse:) It's choosing to extend a hug even when you don't feel like it; it's biting your tongue and asking how they're doing even when you're still angry and feel like shit; it's remembering that you love this person and in a different mood you would be doing this loving action for them so you do it right now anyway.
The miraculous thing is that practice becomes reality. Maybe not every time but much faster and much more reliably than cynicism and anger and hate and despair any how.
I believe one of the things we've somehow lost in our collective and individual pursuit of happiness, is the virtue of "forbearance". We are told perfect happiness is not only possible but our main goal in life, so when things hurt a little we're told to jettison people, to get into huge debt to buy relief, and to prioritize ourselves. I believe this came from a good and real place: cut out the abusive parents, don't hoard that money and penny pinch yourself to an early grave, and nobody needs to be the grumpy living self martyr making everyone else miserable with meaningless sacrifices.
But I'm beginning to suspect that this pendulum has gone past the happy middle, and these acts of self care are what's killing us now.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that self care is part of self care: some mornings you can just stay in bed and don't do anything, but perhaps not every morning. You're absolutely allowed to feel despair, but you're also allowed to "do" hope.
Agreed 100%. I think that as a species, we had to put aside our self-centered nature to survive for a long time, but now that we have the freedom to do what's best for us as individuals, that...
Agreed 100%. I think that as a species, we had to put aside our self-centered nature to survive for a long time, but now that we have the freedom to do what's best for us as individuals, that self-centered nature has snuck back in and is whispering sweet little lies into our ears that tell us it's okay to do x, y, or z because we need to remember to look out for ourselves...but I think things would be so much better if we instead remembered to look out for others. I think we have unintentionally become worse people. That's not to say that we are bad-hearted or that we used to really be better; it's just that we're more approving of "looking out for #1" in what I would call an insidious, relatively unconscious way.
So I think that is a big part of modern mental health issues, doomerism, etc. Choosing hope and optimism is important, but we're so used to doing what we think feels right in the moment that we struggle to do the harder things that bring nebulous long-term gains.
I'll admit that I have had trouble having a generally optimistic outlook sometimes recently, especially due to everything going on with Trump and the changing of political norms that have come with him and what it has revealed about the susceptibility of millions and millions of people, including many I know and would have respected deeply if they weren't so focused on lying to themselves (e.g., insisting that they hate Trump and are only going to vote for him for [insert reasons that are straight-up lies put out by Trump] while ignoring anything "the other side" says, especially about January 6).
But I really do think I need to sometimes take that longer-term view. Either we're going to wipe ourselves out (in which case none of this matters) or things will turn around eventually, no matter how many years it takes. Forever is a mighty long time, and I can't believe that a world where people believe Trump's lies is the first steps toward a world like Warhammer 40k or something. It'll be all right.
Interesting. I have huge respect for differences in experience, and I think "love" means many different things for many different people. In my case, for people I love, I feel that I want to do...
It's choosing to extend a hug even when you don't feel like it; it's biting your tongue and asking how they're doing even when you're still angry and feel like shit; it's remembering that you love this person and in a different mood you would be doing this loving action for them so you do it right now anyway.
Interesting. I have huge respect for differences in experience, and I think "love" means many different things for many different people. In my case, for people I love, I feel that I want to do these things for them no matter what, so it's not like I have to "force" myself to some action that contradicts my feelings.
Nobody is lovable 100% of the time. I'm only speaking about the rare times that are hard. In the midst of a disagreement , for example, I can choose to stand opposite with arms crossed, or I can...
Nobody is lovable 100% of the time. I'm only speaking about the rare times that are hard.
In the midst of a disagreement , for example, I can choose to stand opposite with arms crossed, or I can choose to sit near them and hold each other's hand.
That's very akin to what I have been told for a long time, about "love" - it's not a feeling, it's a series of actions. (Once distinguished from abuse:) It's choosing to extend a hug even when you don't feel like it; it's biting your tongue and asking how they're doing even when you're still angry and feel like shit; it's remembering that you love this person and in a different mood you would be doing this loving action for them so you do it right now anyway.
The miraculous thing is that practice becomes reality. Maybe not every time but much faster and much more reliably than cynicism and anger and hate and despair any how.
I believe one of the things we've somehow lost in our collective and individual pursuit of happiness, is the virtue of "forbearance". We are told perfect happiness is not only possible but our main goal in life, so when things hurt a little we're told to jettison people, to get into huge debt to buy relief, and to prioritize ourselves. I believe this came from a good and real place: cut out the abusive parents, don't hoard that money and penny pinch yourself to an early grave, and nobody needs to be the grumpy living self martyr making everyone else miserable with meaningless sacrifices.
But I'm beginning to suspect that this pendulum has gone past the happy middle, and these acts of self care are what's killing us now.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that self care is part of self care: some mornings you can just stay in bed and don't do anything, but perhaps not every morning. You're absolutely allowed to feel despair, but you're also allowed to "do" hope.
Agreed 100%. I think that as a species, we had to put aside our self-centered nature to survive for a long time, but now that we have the freedom to do what's best for us as individuals, that self-centered nature has snuck back in and is whispering sweet little lies into our ears that tell us it's okay to do x, y, or z because we need to remember to look out for ourselves...but I think things would be so much better if we instead remembered to look out for others. I think we have unintentionally become worse people. That's not to say that we are bad-hearted or that we used to really be better; it's just that we're more approving of "looking out for #1" in what I would call an insidious, relatively unconscious way.
So I think that is a big part of modern mental health issues, doomerism, etc. Choosing hope and optimism is important, but we're so used to doing what we think feels right in the moment that we struggle to do the harder things that bring nebulous long-term gains.
I'll admit that I have had trouble having a generally optimistic outlook sometimes recently, especially due to everything going on with Trump and the changing of political norms that have come with him and what it has revealed about the susceptibility of millions and millions of people, including many I know and would have respected deeply if they weren't so focused on lying to themselves (e.g., insisting that they hate Trump and are only going to vote for him for [insert reasons that are straight-up lies put out by Trump] while ignoring anything "the other side" says, especially about January 6).
But I really do think I need to sometimes take that longer-term view. Either we're going to wipe ourselves out (in which case none of this matters) or things will turn around eventually, no matter how many years it takes. Forever is a mighty long time, and I can't believe that a world where people believe Trump's lies is the first steps toward a world like Warhammer 40k or something. It'll be all right.
Interesting. I have huge respect for differences in experience, and I think "love" means many different things for many different people. In my case, for people I love, I feel that I want to do these things for them no matter what, so it's not like I have to "force" myself to some action that contradicts my feelings.
Nobody is lovable 100% of the time. I'm only speaking about the rare times that are hard.
In the midst of a disagreement , for example, I can choose to stand opposite with arms crossed, or I can choose to sit near them and hold each other's hand.
I'm still working on having that choice I guess.
It would be torture, if I couldnt freely choose actions of hope and love. Sending you my best positive vibes.
Mirror, for those hit by the paywall:
https://archive.is/TL1Yz
Exactly what I hoped for!