Looking for advice on mother's deteriorating mental health
Hey, I dunno if this is an appropriate place for this, and feel free to take it down if it's too direct/off-topic or what have you. I can't post this on reddit because my mom browses reddit and it would be painfully obvious.
So, as some of you may know, Backpage was a website like craigslist that got shut down completely due to complaints/reports of trafficking. In that shutdown, many people lost their jobs, my mother being one of them. My mom received a severance pay, and had to find work. Within that same timeframe, she also broke things off with a man whom she had been dating prior for reasons I still don't know. After having to sell her house, she tried to make it on her own, but then inevitably had to come and live with me and my Dad (Whom she had divorced about 10 years prior)). At some point a year or so ago, she had a nasty fall and hit her head, concussing her. Lately, she seems to be coming unhinged.
Her behavior started with her continually retroactively accusing my father of cheating on her ~15 years ago on several occasions based off of information she swears happened but cannot corroborate. She has, in recent memory, been known to make false claims and, when presented with proof refuting her claims, to discard said proof and continue to push her claims instead. She has tried to get me to "remember" incidents over 10 years ago where she ran across "women who were his type". On top of that, she has accused my father of going into businesses she has applied for and telling them not to hire her. My dad wants nothing more than for her to get back up on her feet and get going. I have no idea why she would believe this.
We had another incident where my little sister went downstairs to get something to eat, and used the microwave to prepare it. My mother interjected and told Ali that she shouldn't be using the microwave because she's afraid of the radiation it gives off. My little sister politely told her that that was bullshit and that she isn't worried. My mother then grew angry, told her something along the lines of "Fine, I'm not going to care if you die then", took her phone, and sent her upstairs (We all shave our rooms upstairs and she has her space downstairs, where the guest room is). This isn't the first time she's posited a completely ridiculous and baseless claim/conspiracy/concern, however I hadn't tried to refute it before.
I texted my Aunt and debriefed her, and she said that she was aware of my mother's mental health declining, and she wanted to help, but I guess she said something my mom didn't like, because my mom has since blocked her on her phone, severing the only means of communication between them (She's 2 states away). My mom seems to keep doing this to people; saying and believing untrue/ridiculous things and becoming increasingly angry and hateful when she is refuted or called out on it. She has severed ties with her Aunt, the sister of my deceased grandmother, who tried to tell her she was wrong after accusing my grandmother of various things she didn't do. She doesn't have any family left that she hasn't pissed off.
The only person left in my house who she isn't angry at is me, but I am supremely bad at handling these things and would much rather retreat into my room and not come out until it's all over. My girlfriend living with me is trying to provide support as well. This morning, my mother asked me to drop her off at a homeless shelter. She has a bed, food, clothes, a shower and restroom, and WiFi here, but she feels so much that my father is the root of all of her problems that she wants to leave at any cost.
I don't know what to do now that my mother is slowly and surely losing her goddamn mind and is driving out everyone who loves her when they don't reaffirm her insane delusions and accusations. It hurts to see my father struggling to do something, because he can't just kick out the mother of his children; he still loves the woman he married. We can't tell her she needs to seek help, because that is interpreted as an insult and calling her crazy. I've tried, again and again, to tell her that we are all here to help her and we want the best for her but she seems to discard every good thing I say and pick out the worst, even if I didn't intend any kind of negativity. She's getting to the point where she's beginning to lose her temper with me and I'm afraid that that will be the final nail in the coffin. My father tried calling some place (I believe they specialized in mentally unwell people) and asking for advice, but when he asked them to call my mother and they agreed, my mother got angry at them and accused them of "collecting evidence" for my father. It's out of their hands if she isn't harming herself or others.
I don't really know what I expect from posting this. Maybe commiseration, maybe sympathy, or advice, but I'm going fucking insane and do not have any prior experience to help me cope with/fix this and I would really appreciate if anybody does and they're willing to share
I'm sorry you're going through this. Being an adult child taking care of an aging parent with mental health issues is difficult both emotionally and practically, and there's very often little support or understanding from society at large. For what it's worth, there are other people out there going through the same thing. You're not alone in this.
Some advice:
Get your mom to a neurologist. You can get a referral from your family doctor, and it's good to keep your mom's doctor in the loop regarding medications and such. Regular appointments with a neurologist will help you know what you're dealing with and you might be able to get some treatment that helps a little. (e.g. there are some pills that might help with delusions)
Your mom sounds like she is having problems with delusions. These are more complicated than simply believing something erroneous. A delusion is a deeply held belief that isn't arrived at through evidence or logic, and you can't be reasoned out of it. I find it best to think of delusions as similar to a dream state: when I'm in a dream I can believe all kinds of ridiculous things for no reason, and if I see evidence to counter what I believe, I'll probably try to rationalize it in increasingly ridiculous ways rather than change what I thought. When I wake up in the morning I can see clearly why my dream-thinking was wrong, but I usually can't see that in a dream state. Delusions aren't exactly dreams, but the comparison helps me to empathize with and understand what's going on in the delusional person's mind.
Try to separate your view of the person from their disease. This can be emotionally difficult but it's an important step to protect yourself and to best be in a position to care for your loved one. Your mom is someone who you love and respect and she raised you, but you can't think of her as the same as she was. She's now your mom + her disease. That means when she's delusional or combative or says hurtful things, that's not your mom taking those actions. That's her disease saying those things. It can feel infantilizing or disrespectful to "think of her as a crazy person", but it's the only way to understand that it's not the person you love who's hurting you, it's her disease. It will still hurt, but it helps to try to keep this mindset.
Don't try to directly reason her out of her delusions since delusions don't respond to reason (but don't go along with what she says either). Take a pragmatic approach and try to deflect instead. Ignore her, change the topic, postpone a conversation, listen without arguing, come up with excuses she might accept for not doing something crazy she wants; whatever works. It's not about trying to reason your mom back to being who she was, it's about trying to keep the peace and reduce everyone's level of stress with the situation.
Things are bad and they'll get worse. If you make yourself responsible for your mom's well-being this might make you feel incredibly guilty no matter how hard you work to support her and your family. There will always be more you can do and more will always be needed. This is true even if you're working yourself to the point of burn-out. The guilt will come from knowing that she needs more help and that you could, theoretically, provide it. But you need to understand that there is no amount of help that will make things perfect; it's just about doing what you can. Instead of focusing on how much better things could be, think of how bad things could have been and how your help, support, and sacrifice have helped those you care about.
To get extra help look into organizations that provide at-home elder care, e.g. Home Instead. This can give you and the rest of your family a much needed break from care giving and they can also help out with the housework.
If your mom starts doing strange actions learn to tell the difference between her doing something dangerous, and her doing something merely weird or inconvenient. If she's not hurting anyone it might be best to let her do her own thing so that she still has a feeling of control over her life. Often you can prevent things from going badly by offering to help, offering an alternative, or just staying nearby in case something goes wrong.
Get power of attorney. You want to be in a position to help your mom with paperwork, taxes, etc.
Feel free to ignore any advice you get (including anything I'm saying). You know your situation better than anyone else. Even medical professionals can be wrong, especially when they're talking outside of their areas of expertise, so feel free to get a second opinion.
Your own health needs to be a priority as well. Do what you need to take care of yourself.
Edit:
We have a sating in health care along the lines of, you can't force people to do the right/healthy/responsible thing. Unless she is dangerous or breaking the law in some way there isn't much you can do.
If you're the one she is okay with, you should probably be the one to tell her you're worried about her health and you think she needs to seek treatment. I mean, has she had any neurologic testing? It could be something physical causing her issues. Maybe approach it from that direction?
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, and there is a possibility there won't be a solution. I'm over here hoping for the best for all of you.
Thank you so much for replying. The unfortunate thing is, we have all tried telling her she needs to seek treatment. I have, my father has, my girlfriend has. But she interprets it as an insult and a threat no matter the context. And I get it; nobody wants to be crazy. But we're being driven mad as well. She went in for a gamut of tests about a week ago. Blood work, MRI, CT Scan, and EEG. Unfortunately, she won't get those results in until early January and I don't know just how much longer we can all coexist in these conditions.
I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. It hurts and it's not fair.
I wish I had advice for you, but I can assure you you aren't alone. I didn't have to live with it (as in, in the same house) but my parents did with my step-sister a number of years ago. I'm not sure what was fueling it, whether she was suffering from a mental health breakdown, addiction, or a combination of both (which is my working theory) but while it was happening she was a nightmare to live with. My parents were constantly walking on eggshells and could never predict what would make her snap. Like your mom and the microwave incident, my stepsister once flew into a seething rage when my stepmother brought the wrong kind of ice cream home. This was a grown ass adult woman.
Unfortunately it got worse before it got better. She had to reach rock bottom and my parents suffered an incredible amount of guilt as a result. There's a fine line between support and enabling. Eventually they had enough and told her that she could treat them with a modicum of respect or leave. She chose to leave. She was homeless for a while (living with friends, not on the street) and moved to California. Eventually she got into a live-in treatment program and got back on her feet. She's still living in California, but is working, has a dog, and she and my stepmum have repaired their relationship.
Okay, so maybe I do have some advice for you. It's not going to help your mom get better, but it might help you. Take advantage of the support system you have - your girlfriend, sister, and Dad. If you can, talk to them about it. Also consider therapy. The right person might even be able help you find tools to talk to your mom, tools to help you deal with what you're going through now, and tools to help you manage feelings of guilt should anything go wrong in the future.
I hope the test results are the beginning of the end and wishing you all the best in the meantime.
Thank you for the advice. I am eagerly awaiting the results and hoping she doesn't call the doctors liars.
You are not alone. I know that's no immediate consolation.
However, it does mean that wherever you live, there's likely to be a group for people in your situation.
Many have lived and tried to work these thins out for years or decades. They know how hard this is and will have the best kind of advice for you in your situation.
I might look into that if there are any around here. I really appreciate the advice
I'm sorry you're going through this.
The other comments here cover a lot of what I would've said. A family friend is going through something similar but a bit more extreme. If it is mental illness the tests she's had done may help with a diagnosis. Unfortunately if you're in the US there's not much you can do and little support available to her.
But I wish you your family the absolute best.
Ah, important! Thank you and fixed
You said your mother recently fell and suffered a concussion, right? Did she ever get proper treatment? Did she start acting out after the concussion? Because it sounds like your mother needs her head examined in the most literal possible sense.
Yes, she went to go get a whole series of tests done and she's currently waiting on results