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What do you actually *do* if you think you are transgender?
After a let of questioning, I am reasonably sure that I am a transgender girl. But what do I actually do? I'm 18, but I'm still in high-school living with my parents who won't be supportive of me if I come out. I have no consistent income and don't have a therapist. I guess there's no magical answer and I just need to wait until I'm independent and then start thinking about it.
[standard reminder that you don't need to be 100% sure of anything before acting]
In any case, what do you want to do?
Are you still unsure about your being trans, on the fence about medical transition, evaluating the risks/benefits of it, or not sure about its effects? If so, you don't need to wait to start thinking about it - there are plenty of support groups on the Internet, and, if your parents would be amenable to you seeing a therapist (as in, if they are not "psychology bad, pray it away") you don't need to tell them that it's about your gender.
If you are interested in pursuing social transition, waiting to get out of there before going through with it is probably the best course of action. You could still try to change your wardrobe in subtle ways in the meantime, grow your hair out, and/or start looking in the requirements for ID change in your country/state.
If you are interested in pursuing medical transition, there are a few more options which depend on how much money you have available and how much your parents respect your privacy. Hiding it would be doable for months, maybe even years if you keep your hair short and avoid getting beard removal in the meantime, but you'll still need money for the doctor visits and for HRT itself, which is fairly cheap, and which you can probably get for much less than $40 a month - hair removal and eventual surgeries will be where the biggest chunk of the money will be spent on.
Is there any clinics in your area which offer informed consent? Even if you don't want to start yet - or if you consider doing it too risky - you can start by looking them up, and by looking what requirements you'd need to "fulfill" if you have to go through the gatekeepers (if, say, you live in Europe).
You might also want to talk about it to your GP, to see if they are allowed/comfortable with prescribing it to you, but it's probably not going to happen.
If your dysphoria is crippling, if suicide is already on the table, if informed consent/going through the "proper" channels not feasible, DIY is always an option, and not at all risky like some depict it if you are not stupid about it (e.g. by using birth control, non bioidentical drugs or massive doses) - all the clinical guidelines, hormone ranges, and typical doses are available online.
Something you can start doing, right now, which won't cost you money or require a specialist, is voice training. You'll need some privacy at home for this, though, or be able to get somewhere you can get some privacy.
What is your living situation? What makes you think that your parents won't be supportive, and in what way? Are they violent? Do they respect your privacy?
I'm not trans, so I'm not qualified to comment on the rest, but I grew up in hospitals and come from a family of doctors so I feel compelled to say this: Do NOT blindly self medicate. All drugs are poison. They all have side-effects. Most of them have deadly side-effects, however rare. For anything beyond over-the-counter drugs, always consult a physician first. If that's not available to you (e.g for financial reasons) at least talk to someone with some medical education. If you don't know anyone, call a helpline. It's still better than blindly risking your life.
All of this is doubly important for a teenager with no income and unsupportive parents.
OP is 18, and, as I wrote, self-medication shouldn't be blind. The guidelines, again, are available, and while risks exist they are routinely overblown. See also: trans broken arm syndrome.
It remains on the table, and it will remain on the table until the medical establishment will move away from gatekeeping life-saving medical care. We don't live in that world yet. The risk of side effects must be weighted against the very real harms of suicidal ideation, depression, and whatever comes together for criterion B, "clinically significant distress or impairment in one or more areas of life".
My bad, I must have missed it. For the rest, I doubt we will ever agree given I'm not trans and you are not qualified to offer medical advice.
It took me, personally, fifteen months to get anywhere, after getting in touch with the local clinic. I was suicidal and self-harming the whole time, and too depressed to function.
In Finland, besides any waiting lists, a year of so-called "real-life experience" is still required before anything will get prescribed.
No, I will not ever agree with "never take your health in your hands, even when the professionals have their head in their ass and are thus being useless". I'd love to trust the professionals to handle things, but, in this area, you can't always expect them to, and the answer to this shouldn't be "just sit tight".
I'm sorry to hear about your personal experience, I wish it was different and admittedly I don't know if it's any better where I live (Netherlands), but this:
isn't at all what I said or implied. I just advised caution and just talking to a medical professional before self medicating. Even if legally available treatment is delayed/unavailable just having a doctor talk to you and making sure you don't accidentally kill yourself is worth the trouble, no?
In Europe, as a rule, it's not. Trans care is quite possibly the only area where the US are better than Europe - not everywhere in the US, either - and I say this as someone who is disgusted by their approach to healthcare.
See also the Mascara and Hope zine (PDF warning) about the NHS, where the waiting lists have been approaching two years lately. The way trans care is approached where I live is paternalistic - "we are here to decide whether you are a woman" is what the psychiatrist evaluating me said - and outdated.
I said as much in my post. If you tried with your GP already, if you tried with the apposite clinics already, if you are not getting anywhere and are already hurting, self-medication is on the table.
As for "just talk to you", who to talk to? In that environment - in an environment where you have already tried talking to your GP, to the apposite clinic - will they avoid pushing you away, going "just stop it and let [clinic] handle it" even when it has been made clear that it won't help? A lot do, as they aren't comfortable with trans patients - or make the patients uncomfortable with them - or with treating them. What about the people who can't reach a doctor, at all?
Sometimes, there is no good solution, and the least worst (DIY) needs to be on the table, and it needs to be talked about as to give people the information they need to avoid harm.
Wow, that's horrible. Certainly not what I'd have expected from a western European country.
I would hope (most?) western countries would have LGBT helplines that could at least help offer some help, even if it's as little as an online chat with a medical professional. Is that not the case?
Hmm, perhaps you are right. Given my family history, I'm strongly biased against people self-diagnosing and/or medicating, especially in the Internet era where people who spend 10 minutes on WebMD think they know better than their doctors. But maybe I shouldn't see it as so black & white...
Hah. There's more. The European Court of Human rights, for example, ruled in 2017 against the sterilization requirement to get one's ID changed, and...
I frankly haven't the foggiest. One of the things I did, back when I had just realized that there was a word for what I was experiencing, was Googling "trans people [local area]".
Big, big, big mistake. I got a page full of "seeking trans prostitutes in your area?" "the hottest [slur] around", and promptly closed it.
I eventually refined the search. What I found - and this was back in 2014, not 2004 - was... shit all. A few Yahoo Answers, full of trolls, and what I think were two blogs with information about trans care & clinics handling trans people, last updated in 2007. One - or maybe two, I'm not too sure - websites of trans organizations, now dead. Nothing about it on Wikipedia except for a few stubs. A few associations that were still alive, and in cities six hours away.
Keep in mind that, while living in Italy - indubitably a Western country - I live in a rural area. One where most people are religious, one where no-one has ever talked to me about anything LGBT-related that wasn't about "[equivalent of fag]". One where the nearest ER is twenty minutes away, one where the nearest therapist is twenty minutes away, one where the clinic that handles my therapy is three hours away. I saw a therapist during those 15 months, and in the time leading to it - two, actually, and neither were of much help. They had no experience with trans people, and I'm fairly sure I have been their only trans patient in both cases.
Information is hard to come by, the apposite clinics follow Yog-Sothoth-knows-what homebrewed protocol written in the eighties, and everyone else is of no help as they aren't trained to handle us. Even with those who are trained, we still need to be on the lookout, read up on the therapies and be our own advocates, because they might just have been trained in the eighties, too.
In short, if you want a summary of the trans healthcare situation, it's "a fucking heap of shit, still warm".
The rural area thing explains some of it but wow, it still sounds worse than I'd have expected. Thanks for taking the time to explain it, I really do appreciate it!
Self-medication is very often the only way that poor trans people can access HRT, so your comments seem really classist
Wow, if you think "don't accidentally kill yourself" is classist or any other -ist I have no words for you...
No, I think precluding self-medication disproportionately burdens poor people. I've seen it happen time and time again.
Not having HRT is what kills trans people
I'm around the same age as you (20 years old) and I realized I was a trans girl a few months ago. I made a post about it here. I also made a follow up about when I came out to my mom here. It can be exciting and scary at the same time, huh? Sucks your parents won't be supportive. If you're in America look for informed consent clinics in your area, you don't need therapy to start HRT (although therapy would also be good, it's best to start HRT as soon as possible). I also have no consistent income but if you're on your parents insurance (again I'm assuming you're American but I could be wrong) it might cover everything for you. And because you're 18 you don't need parental consent. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk or have any questions.
I was kind of hoping that there would be more answers here for you. So here is my personal oppinion:
Do whatever makes you feel comfortable.
I'm cis, so I can't give you much more than this unfortunately. What I would suggest is to talk to people about it. I'm sure you will have to talk to your family about it, but don't feel too pressured to do it before you are ready. The people you should seek out first is other transgendered people. They will be far more helpful and will likely be able to help you work through some of your personal issues. Support is an extremely important asset.
You may want to get a therapist at some point as well, though maybe not this exact moment. When you do, make sure that you find one who has real experience (or better yet, a specialization) with transgendered people. If they seem to antagonize you unnecessarily, feel free to fire them and get another.
I may not have had issues with my gender in the past, but I do understand what it means to seek a happier life where you can be at home in your own skin. I sincerely hope the best for you.
Hey, I was in a similar situation to you about 5 years ago - trans, just turned 18, dependent on non-supportive parents.
The most critical factor is having a solid plan for independence (which by it's very nature requires initiative). It's gonna be rough, but as you get more independent you'll have more options.
Are you planning on going to college (and can get financial aid)?
What does your social network look like? This'll help a ton in finding housing, jobs, etc.
In my experience (trans man here) coming out takes a long time. I spent a good six months questioning before I was sure, and then probably another ten months before I decided to physically transition by starting HRT and pursuing surgery. I suggest finding a local support group in your community where you can try on new identities. It takes time to figure out what you want and how to pursue it, so don't be afraid to give yourself that time. The thing about transition is that it definitely doesn't happen overnight. If you do decided to physically transition, that will happen at a snail's pace. Patience is key with being transgender. It's not fair, and it definitely is not easy, but that's generally lived experience for most trans people.
If you want to talk more, feel free to send me a dm.