13 votes

For those who are not asexual but not celibate either, a 'demisexual' label is helping to define their love lives

9 comments

  1. [3]
    Rainbow
    Link
    This makes me wonder how many people who would be demisexual assume they are asexual because they haven't been with anyone long enough to develop an attraction to them. I have a few ace friends...

    “I can’t have one-night stands or sexual escapades or fancy a random person who is interested in me. I don’t have that desire at all, my brain doesn’t work that way and I forced myself into situations that just ended up giving me a lot of emotional distress.”

    This makes me wonder how many people who would be demisexual assume they are asexual because they haven't been with anyone long enough to develop an attraction to them. I have a few ace friends and I've wondered about them for awhile.

    9 votes
    1. CALICO
      Link Parent
      My partner thought they were Ace for the first year or so of our relationship. It's not a very long or interesting story, but the Demi-label was pretty valuable for them.

      My partner thought they were Ace for the first year or so of our relationship. It's not a very long or interesting story, but the Demi-label was pretty valuable for them.

      6 votes
    2. vivaria
      Link Parent
      I had definitely considered ace before I discovered demi. Reading those definitions of primary/secondary... I definitely only feel secondary desire. Interestingly, most kinks I have/had can be...

      I had definitely considered ace before I discovered demi. Reading those definitions of primary/secondary... I definitely only feel secondary desire.

      Interestingly, most kinks I have/had can be tied to a specific person I've been romantically attracted to. My theory is, I'm less interested in the kink itself, and more interested in rekindling the feelings tied to the person. Ditto for body types, mannerisms, etc. When that well runs dry, I just don't engage sexually.

      3 votes
  2. [3]
    stephen
    Link
    I feel that so hard. Through my life I've always been confused and disoriented by people who can just take someone home from the bar or hook up at a party. Not that I haven't thought it could be...

    My sexual fantasies are never physical, it will be about a guy coming over to me in a library, having the same favourite author, talking, bonding … I can’t feel an urge for anyone without that, and it’s so rare for me to find it at all.

    I feel that so hard. Through my life I've always been confused and disoriented by people who can just take someone home from the bar or hook up at a party. Not that I haven't thought it could be fun or exciting... But acting on that urge presented the opportunity has always been super uncomfortable for me. The only "one night stands" I have had per se are with women I had been friends with months. Two exceptional case were with women I felt immediately very connected with - coupled with being totally touch and attention starved. But I digress.

    Reading this made me feel much more at terms with with my sexual and romantic history. In media and in my life the patterns it describes are something I had never really seen or heard of and felt bizarre for having lived through.

    That said, I don't think I would use the term very openly or like as part of a person intro. But it's valuable to know that it exists.

    5 votes
    1. [2]
      Gaywallet
      Link Parent
      FWIW, I see demiromantic and demisexual increasingly on dating apps, especially ones that let you self identify such as OkCupid. I think it helps to destigmatize all sexual orientations. Most...

      That said, I don't think I would use the term very openly or like as part of a person intro. But it's valuable to know that it exists.

      FWIW, I see demiromantic and demisexual increasingly on dating apps, especially ones that let you self identify such as OkCupid. I think it helps to destigmatize all sexual orientations.

      Most people don't really introduce themselves to others as straight or gay or any other sexual orientation so if you were thinking of it in that context, yeah it would be kinda weird. 😂

      3 votes
      1. stephen
        Link Parent
        "Put 'er there chum! My name is Steve the demisexual!" Yeah okay that's pretty weird.

        "Put 'er there chum! My name is Steve the demisexual!" Yeah okay that's pretty weird.

        2 votes
  3. [3]
    teaearlgraycold
    Link
    Is there a term for people who only feel primary sexual desire?

    primary sexual attraction is an instant attraction to people based on instantly available information such as their appearance or smell, which may or may not lead to arousal or sexual desire. Secondary sexual attraction is considered to be an attraction that develops over time based on a person’s relationship, an emotional connection with another person… Most sexuals in romantic relationships feel both primary and secondary sexual desire. The term demisexual, under this model, tends to refer to people who experience secondary sexual attraction but not primary sexual attraction.

    Is there a term for people who only feel primary sexual desire?

    4 votes
    1. [2]
      Wolpertinger
      (edited )
      Link Parent
      There appears to be the concept of WTFromantic, in which you don't experience primary romantic feelings, or even fail to understand the term entirely. Edit: There's also Aromantic.

      There appears to be the concept of WTFromantic, in which you don't experience primary romantic feelings, or even fail to understand the term entirely.

      Edit: There's also Aromantic.

      6 votes
      1. Gaywallet
        Link Parent
        This really bugs me because I don't think this applies to me, but I also don't understand what romance is and why it's any different than a desire to be friends with someone. For context, I'm...

        This really bugs me because I don't think this applies to me, but I also don't understand what romance is and why it's any different than a desire to be friends with someone. For context, I'm polyamorous so the idea of wanting to have sex with someone is in no way shape or form tied to whether existing relationships exist or not and can exist somewhere on a spectrum of purely physical attraction to purely mental or emotional.

        I followed this through to the page on romantic attraction and it didn't seem to answer the question at all - they even call out a special kind of crush titled a "squish" which is defined as basically the "just friends" version of a crush, but this sounds like purely a distinction for those who want to have sex and those who don't and doesn't seem to make the idea of romance any clearer to me.

        They do make a point to mention

        What exactly constitutes a romantic relationship or romantic attraction is difficult to define

        , however, which I do find reassuring to some extent as that's been my experience as well when asking people how they define "romance".

        4 votes