13
votes
For those who are not asexual but not celibate either, a 'demisexual' label is helping to define their love lives
Link information
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- Title
- No lust at first sight: why thousands are now identifying as 'demisexual'
- Authors
- Nosheen Iqbal
- Published
- Sep 7 2019
- Word count
- 1055 words
This makes me wonder how many people who would be demisexual assume they are asexual because they haven't been with anyone long enough to develop an attraction to them. I have a few ace friends and I've wondered about them for awhile.
I feel that so hard. Through my life I've always been confused and disoriented by people who can just take someone home from the bar or hook up at a party. Not that I haven't thought it could be fun or exciting... But acting on that urge presented the opportunity has always been super uncomfortable for me. The only "one night stands" I have had per se are with women I had been friends with months. Two exceptional case were with women I felt immediately very connected with - coupled with being totally touch and attention starved. But I digress.
Reading this made me feel much more at terms with with my sexual and romantic history. In media and in my life the patterns it describes are something I had never really seen or heard of and felt bizarre for having lived through.
That said, I don't think I would use the term very openly or like as part of a person intro. But it's valuable to know that it exists.
FWIW, I see demiromantic and demisexual increasingly on dating apps, especially ones that let you self identify such as OkCupid. I think it helps to destigmatize all sexual orientations.
Most people don't really introduce themselves to others as straight or gay or any other sexual orientation so if you were thinking of it in that context, yeah it would be kinda weird. 😂
"Put 'er there chum! My name is Steve the demisexual!" Yeah okay that's pretty weird.
Is there a term for people who only feel primary sexual desire?
There appears to be the concept of WTFromantic, in which you don't experience primary romantic feelings, or even fail to understand the term entirely.
Edit: There's also Aromantic.
This really bugs me because I don't think this applies to me, but I also don't understand what romance is and why it's any different than a desire to be friends with someone. For context, I'm polyamorous so the idea of wanting to have sex with someone is in no way shape or form tied to whether existing relationships exist or not and can exist somewhere on a spectrum of purely physical attraction to purely mental or emotional.
I followed this through to the page on romantic attraction and it didn't seem to answer the question at all - they even call out a special kind of crush titled a "squish" which is defined as basically the "just friends" version of a crush, but this sounds like purely a distinction for those who want to have sex and those who don't and doesn't seem to make the idea of romance any clearer to me.
They do make a point to mention
, however, which I do find reassuring to some extent as that's been my experience as well when asking people how they define "romance".