I don't have any advice for how to quit other than doing what you're doing, but I will emphasize -- get yourself fucking tested and if necessary treated for STIs before you have sex with your...
I don't have any advice for how to quit other than doing what you're doing, but I will emphasize -- get yourself fucking tested and if necessary treated for STIs before you have sex with your girlfriend. Especially if she has sexual trauma in her past. You do not want her "reward" for trusting you to be an STI.
I don’t know what the sexual trauma was, but I imagine finding out your current boyfriend has been messing around with prostitutes while you’re together would only amplify that trauma. There’s a...
Exemplary
But it's been 5 months now and due to some past sexual trauma she still isn't ready to have sex.
I don’t know what the sexual trauma was, but I imagine finding out your current boyfriend has been messing around with prostitutes while you’re together would only amplify that trauma.
There’s a good chance that your actions wind up seriously hurting this woman, and if you can’t abstain from the prostitutes, you may want to consider breaking this off with her for her own sake.
I also don’t know that you can find the help you need on a site like this. It would appear you’re firmly in “see a professional therapist” territory.
If you're serious about this girl, I would recommend the next time you have an urge to see a prostitute, take that money you would've spent and spend it on something nice for your girlfriend. Buy...
If you're serious about this girl, I would recommend the next time you have an urge to see a prostitute, take that money you would've spent and spend it on something nice for your girlfriend. Buy her flowers and chocolates or whatever she likes. And hopefully, it will make her really happy and you can feel good in how happy you made her. By repeating this action every time you get the urge, you can train yourself to think about making your partner happy rather than visiting a prostitute, and both you and your relationship will be much better off for it. Also, seriously get checked for STIs
Okay so for one this is gonna be rough to hear possibly. You clearly have a high sex drive and an intense fulfillment need and your girlfriend does not at present due to trauma (hopefully she’s...
Okay so for one this is gonna be rough to hear possibly.
You clearly have a high sex drive and an intense fulfillment need and your girlfriend does not at present due to trauma (hopefully she’s seeing a therapist to continue to work on this as it feels like it’s still ever present in her life and negatively impacting her relationships) which brings me to my point.
It seems, at least sexually, you and your girlfriend aren’t sexually compatible. I know it’s rough to hear sometimes but it may be the truth. I’m not saying anything really beyond that but it’s something I felt needed be said. If you choose to modify your behavior to accommodate her needs that’s completely up to you and I respect that. Now on to the main show as it were.
As for your sexual addiction that falls under compulsive behavior. Now it’s impossible to diagnose at a distance (and never should it be done) so what I’m going to say is you really need to talk to a professional about this as it’s possible there are further underlying issues that need addressed as well.
Realistically if you do seek out professional help what you’ll be directed towards is talk therapy (likely something in the Cognitive Behavioral territory) but they also may recommend a local group therapy group that you join and participate in as well. On the occasions that other underlying conditions are diagnosable medication may be suggested.
Beyond allllll that let me tell you, knowing you have a problem is a big step to take so congrats on that.
Continue watching for triggers and avoid them as best you can. Masturbation to fill the void is a good step to take in this case, just don’t get pathological about it. Also consider replacing anything beyond one or two masturbatory sessions with something more productive and healthy that will give you the chemical reward your brain wants. Try some HIIT (high intensity interval training) as that will give you a quick surge of endorphins and other feel good compounds.
Also you MUST MUST go get yourself checked out for STIs. No one at any clinic or doctors office will judge I promise. They couldn’t care less about where you stick your dick, what they do care about are ignorant fucks who stick it carelessly without knowing it’s spreading disease so again PLEASE get checked.
So to sum it all up. What you’re experiencing is compulsive behavior which is manageable but is easier to talk to a professional about. Which is what you should really do. Any therapist is a good starting point though asking the receptionist or whomever (or check their profile online) if they have any specific experience treating compulsive disorders such as sexual addictions would be useful.
Seek out a group therapy group if one exists in your local area if you’re comfortable with that.
Continue what you’re doing. Watch those triggers, replace the behaviors with healthier ones and I wish you, your girlfriend and your relationship well and hope it all works out for the best for everyone no matter what.
You’re on the right track my man, keep working at it.
Lotta people in here saying "No judgement" but man - what the fuck. You're cheating on her. With prostitutes. She has sexual trauma and you're cheating on her with prostitutes. Do you have any...
Exemplary
Lotta people in here saying "No judgement" but man - what the fuck. You're cheating on her. With prostitutes. She has sexual trauma and you're cheating on her with prostitutes. Do you have any idea what that would do to her if she knew? That's incredibly fucked up, dude. You have issues. If you can't fix your addiction (because that's what this sounds like), then you really shouldn't be in a relationship. And you certainly shouldn't be in a relationship with someone whom you seem to be wholly incompatible with sexually.
If the relationship isn't working for you, then stop. It clearly isn't healthy or sustainable if you're hiring prostitutes to fill a void that your girlfriend is not willing to. This path only leads to heartbreak for both of you. If you don't want to seek help/therapy/what have you, then it isn't fair for you to stay with your girlfriend. If you disagree that you need help and you're comfortable with the methods you use to get off, then clearly your relationship can't work. That sort of dynamic seems almost certainly incompatible with someone who has gone through a traumatic sexual experience/experiences.
I don't want to come off as holier-than-thou but damn, dude. It's clear you're at least a little doubtful about the actions you've taken up to this point. You should do what's best for her and for yourself.
Yeah, I'm noticing my main criticism of Tildes is that in general, users have a high tolerance for people whose opinions or behavior cross the line into appalling. Nobody wants to be seen as rude...
Yeah, I'm noticing my main criticism of Tildes is that in general, users have a high tolerance for people whose opinions or behavior cross the line into appalling. Nobody wants to be seen as rude or unaccommodating, but like, Jesus, some people need to be grabbed by the metaphorical shoulders and shaken for a bit. Everyone deserves respect, and part of respect is being straight with people who are out of line, and not patronizing their destructive or dangerous behavior.
I think there is a place for judgement, but that place is not in therapy or when a person is seeking help. The judgement will (and probably should) come from the girlfriend, parents, society at...
I think there is a place for judgement, but that place is not in therapy or when a person is seeking help. The judgement will (and probably should) come from the girlfriend, parents, society at large, etc. But when a person is genuinely seeking help, I find that a more neutral, logical view is the best way forward. Judgement and criticism won't help and may hurt, a lot.
When we talk about addiction and immoral behavior, we are almost always talking about a situation where the addiction is not immoral or moral - it's a sickness that just is. The immoral behavior is a consequence of this addiction. Being a sex addict is not immoral, and OP is a victim to their sex addiction as much or more than anyone else. This doesn't excuse them from the consequences that will inevitably follow poor choices (like sleeping with prostitutes), but it does mean that they need a judgement free zone to actually look at the root causes of the problem and address it. Cheating on the girlfriend isn't a root cause but rather a symptom, and we will get nowhere in addressing this if that's all we are allowed to talk about.
Besides, in my experience, someone who has been successful in overcoming their addiction will almost always judge themselves harshly after their brain is thinking more clearly. They rarely need these reminders. I still cringe and feel immense guilt for my actions during my heroin addiction even though it's been several years. It never goes away.
In relationships, in society, and in religion we can assign a moral value to behaviors. In science (psychology, medicine, sociology), I don't think we can. Not if we want to understand and help.
If someone thinks everyone is going to jump on them and call them all the terrible things they probably already think about themselves, they will just keep quiet. I would rather someone feel...
If someone thinks everyone is going to jump on them and call them all the terrible things they probably already think about themselves, they will just keep quiet. I would rather someone feel comfortable to say: "here's an issue, I am too afraid to admit this to anyone but I feel comfortable to do so here, do you have any advice?" Maybe now this person will actually seek therapy, whereas if they just shut up and say nothing for fear of ridicule, judgement, etc. they will not.
Addictions are real. Stopping unwanted behaviors can be difficult for some people. Really, I'm not going to judge. Maybe this person doesn't yet understand that they have the ability to stop, or doesn't have the tools to do so. Maybe with therapy, or some other perspectives, they will gain those tools. Maybe they already think they are a douchebag, but don't know how to stop a certain behavior. I'm not going to judge. I'm glad they reached out. I'm sad that the exemplary post was calling them a douchebag, and that the OP deleted their thread.
It wasn't completely clear to me from the now-deleted original text that there was any cheating going on. I suspect there is, but it's written in an ambiguous way. As @Wolf_359 said, if someone...
It wasn't completely clear to me from the now-deleted original text that there was any cheating going on. I suspect there is, but it's written in an ambiguous way.
As @Wolf_359 said, if someone comes seeking help, it's not the best time to be confrontationally judgemental.
Like, Heichou's post says "You have issues". Is it helpful? I think OP knows he has issues. Now… the post has been deleted. Maybe OP will seek therapy, maybe not. Maybe nothing will change.
I've been on Tildes quite a bit longer than you and I can tell you we have a low tolerance for "people whose opinions or behavior cross the line into appalling". However, because the site lives on trust, benefit of the doubt is prized. If you want to give the benefit of the doubt here, you assume that the OP truthfully understands they're doing something wrong, and that they're seeking advice/help. In other words, Tildes is different from /r/AITA or some such.
I don't think people need to be coddled and told "it's ok, you're not doing anything wrong, everyone deserves their own opinion" or something. But you also don't have to be a dick when they make themselves vulnerable.
And by the way I'm not dumping on @Heichou here either - I think theirs is a mostly reasonable response as well. That relationship probably needs to stop. But probably is the keyword: it's important to understand you can't truly evaluate people's lives from a few paragraphs of text, which is exactly why we give the benefit of the doubt, and why most responses are "here's general advice, but it's time to talk to a professional".
I am not judging you in any way. I have never been in this situation, but I would absolutely be thinking of the health consequences. You are in your 20s - can I ask if you've ever had a serious...
I am not judging you in any way.
I have never been in this situation, but I would absolutely be thinking of the health consequences. You are in your 20s - can I ask if you've ever had a serious health scare in your life, or had your health jeopardized? I mention this because, before such an even happens, I think the idea of "health consequences" can seem so distant and unattached from us, that it's difficult to really take them seriously. I can only say that quality of life issues are massive. There are some damages you can do to your body which can not be undone.
You are also opening your girlfriend up to health issues. Maybe thinking about this could be a deterrent?
Another thing that probably seems quite stupid and obvious, so please feel free to disregard this - is just understanding that it is absolutely within your control if you continue to engage in this behavior. I mention this only because I've encountered some behaviors in my life that I wanted to stop; I found it difficult to stop them initially, and so I thought "this is beyond me! Why can't I stop this? What's wrong with me?" The faulty belief that I was unable to stop, gave me a constant "Excuse" to continue with the undesirable behavior, because in the back of my mind "I will fuck up and do it again, might as well relieve the tension and go ahead and do it." Once I truly understood that it was within me to stop such behaviors, it went a long way. This was my personal experience, and might not be relevant for others.
Therapy, perhaps one focused on addiction. Medication to help with impulse control or maybe to lower sex drive if you find that masturbation is also something you can't control. This is all going...
Therapy, perhaps one focused on addiction. Medication to help with impulse control or maybe to lower sex drive if you find that masturbation is also something you can't control.
This is all going to come to a bad ending at some point. You're going to get a sickness you can't get rid of or get arrested. And you're going to stay trapped in a cycle of misery.
Nothing wrong with legal, ethical, consenting sex between a customer and sex worker. But it doesn't sound like this is above board and it doesn't sound like you're even enjoying it. It's compulsive behavior and it only feels "good" for a few minutes. Then I'm betting you're left feeling broke, weak, and guilty immediately after.
I struggled with heroin addiction for a few years and I was very lucky to have been put in a position where my choices were to quit or go to jail. At rehab I received counseling and medication that saved my life and changed my outlook on everything.
When I look back at those times, I realize how miserable I was. I knew on some level I wasn't happy but I had no idea how truly bleak and depressing my entire life felt at the time. I realize now that my compulsive behavior was out of control in other areas of my life beyond drug use as well, and that I was hurting my friendships, family relationships, work life, leisure time, and every other part of my existence you can think of. I assume you experience this too whether or not you know it yet.
Addictions and compulsions are strange because when one of them gets out of hand, others sneak in the back door too without you realizing it.
You're 28. Just a couple years older than I was when I started my new life. I'm a teacher now with a house, a car, a wife, two dogs, and a baby. I love my life so much even when it's not perfect. You can get there too but you have to face it head on and get some help. You just completed a big step in recognizing that there is an issue. You also sought feedback and assistance, which can be the beginning of the end of this cycle if you actually follow through now.
That $50 you keep spending should be going toward counseling sessions. Make sure you try a few different ones because I would say 4/5 counselors aren't a good fit for any one individual. You need a counselor who is smarter than you and one with whom you identify. Those are the two things that I think are important.
Counseling is important because things get clouded and unclear in our minds. We need neutral third parties to help us recognize patterns of behavior. It helps us be more honest with ourselves.
I don't know anything about your relationship with your girlfriend. Maybe you aren't sexually compatible as others have said. But one thing I want to say is that I think you'd be doing this even if she wanted to have sex all the time. Maybe you'd take a break, but eventually sex with the same person becomes a bit less exciting. It becomes more about intimacy and less about lust. You sound like you are addicted to the conquest and control aspect. I know a married man who in the same boat. Very attractive wife who is willing to have sex, yet he has struggled with addiction to prostitutes and hookup sex. It has nothing to do with the amount of sex he has - it's all about the conquest for him and it's all rooted in some deep childhood stuff.
Best of luck. This process can be easy and enjoyable overall even if there are bumps. And the reward will pay dividends every day for the rest of your life. Best investment you'll ever make.
Say to whom? Does she know? If she doesn't, you are basically heading to a crash, here. If she does… it still doesn't look good; the way you say it, it sounds like you have pretty deep sexual...
It wasn't serious at first so I'd say "I'll stop this before we have sex and go get tested and everything". But it's been 5 months now and due to some past sexual trauma she still isn't ready to have sex.
Say to whom? Does she know? If she doesn't, you are basically heading to a crash, here. If she does… it still doesn't look good; the way you say it, it sounds like you have pretty deep sexual incompatibilities and what's happening to you right now is just a symptom of that.
I talked before on Tildes about my own relationships, I'm pretty public about it - I've been with escorts, and also used to be in a very special relationship with a wonderful asexual woman. But anyone I've been with knows these things about me, very early on even.
If you're doing something that is in your power to stop, and yet you cannot stop, there's two possibilities. Either it's an addiction, or it's a coping mechanism (or both). I'm not a psychiatrist, but it sounds like it's the latter, which means you need to figure out: 1. What are the gaps you're trying to fill (do some deep introspection, it's not necessarily sex; hire a therapist if you can); 2. What concrete strategy you can put in place to get things to stop.
If you can't hire a therapist to help you with this, enlist a close friend and get them to help brainstorm, bounce ideas off, do some back and forth. This is work that is very difficult to do alone, because it's incredibly difficult to be objective about yourself, or even just not get tunnelvision about yourself.
It's difficult to offer advice for something like this because there's so much to unpack. First and foremost, this may not be something people can relate to very well, myself included. Then there...
It's difficult to offer advice for something like this because there's so much to unpack. First and foremost, this may not be something people can relate to very well, myself included. Then there are questions about you and your past, if you've struggled with your own trauma, and what you even really want out of these encounters, especially since you're not even finishing. Things like your habits and how often you drive past the house could also affect your thinking and urges.
So, like others have said, therapy, if you aren't already talking to someone, could be a good option for you. Someone who can help you unpack, you. But in the meantime, I would suggest to go out of your way to avoid that house. I understand it's close, and it may be impossible depending on your schedule and city layout, but give yourself some extra time to drive the long way. Go a scenic route, try to keep some distance basically.
It's so easy to think "Well I'm already here, may as well." so give yourself the space you need so you don't give those most difficult thoughts a chance to pop up.
I don't have any advice for how to quit other than doing what you're doing, but I will emphasize -- get yourself fucking tested and if necessary treated for STIs before you have sex with your girlfriend. Especially if she has sexual trauma in her past. You do not want her "reward" for trusting you to be an STI.
I don’t know what the sexual trauma was, but I imagine finding out your current boyfriend has been messing around with prostitutes while you’re together would only amplify that trauma.
There’s a good chance that your actions wind up seriously hurting this woman, and if you can’t abstain from the prostitutes, you may want to consider breaking this off with her for her own sake.
I also don’t know that you can find the help you need on a site like this. It would appear you’re firmly in “see a professional therapist” territory.
If you're serious about this girl, I would recommend the next time you have an urge to see a prostitute, take that money you would've spent and spend it on something nice for your girlfriend. Buy her flowers and chocolates or whatever she likes. And hopefully, it will make her really happy and you can feel good in how happy you made her. By repeating this action every time you get the urge, you can train yourself to think about making your partner happy rather than visiting a prostitute, and both you and your relationship will be much better off for it. Also, seriously get checked for STIs
Okay so for one this is gonna be rough to hear possibly.
You clearly have a high sex drive and an intense fulfillment need and your girlfriend does not at present due to trauma (hopefully she’s seeing a therapist to continue to work on this as it feels like it’s still ever present in her life and negatively impacting her relationships) which brings me to my point.
It seems, at least sexually, you and your girlfriend aren’t sexually compatible. I know it’s rough to hear sometimes but it may be the truth. I’m not saying anything really beyond that but it’s something I felt needed be said. If you choose to modify your behavior to accommodate her needs that’s completely up to you and I respect that. Now on to the main show as it were.
As for your sexual addiction that falls under compulsive behavior. Now it’s impossible to diagnose at a distance (and never should it be done) so what I’m going to say is you really need to talk to a professional about this as it’s possible there are further underlying issues that need addressed as well.
Realistically if you do seek out professional help what you’ll be directed towards is talk therapy (likely something in the Cognitive Behavioral territory) but they also may recommend a local group therapy group that you join and participate in as well. On the occasions that other underlying conditions are diagnosable medication may be suggested.
Beyond allllll that let me tell you, knowing you have a problem is a big step to take so congrats on that.
Continue watching for triggers and avoid them as best you can. Masturbation to fill the void is a good step to take in this case, just don’t get pathological about it. Also consider replacing anything beyond one or two masturbatory sessions with something more productive and healthy that will give you the chemical reward your brain wants. Try some HIIT (high intensity interval training) as that will give you a quick surge of endorphins and other feel good compounds.
Also you MUST MUST go get yourself checked out for STIs. No one at any clinic or doctors office will judge I promise. They couldn’t care less about where you stick your dick, what they do care about are ignorant fucks who stick it carelessly without knowing it’s spreading disease so again PLEASE get checked.
So to sum it all up. What you’re experiencing is compulsive behavior which is manageable but is easier to talk to a professional about. Which is what you should really do. Any therapist is a good starting point though asking the receptionist or whomever (or check their profile online) if they have any specific experience treating compulsive disorders such as sexual addictions would be useful.
Seek out a group therapy group if one exists in your local area if you’re comfortable with that.
Continue what you’re doing. Watch those triggers, replace the behaviors with healthier ones and I wish you, your girlfriend and your relationship well and hope it all works out for the best for everyone no matter what.
You’re on the right track my man, keep working at it.
Lotta people in here saying "No judgement" but man - what the fuck. You're cheating on her. With prostitutes. She has sexual trauma and you're cheating on her with prostitutes. Do you have any idea what that would do to her if she knew? That's incredibly fucked up, dude. You have issues. If you can't fix your addiction (because that's what this sounds like), then you really shouldn't be in a relationship. And you certainly shouldn't be in a relationship with someone whom you seem to be wholly incompatible with sexually.
If the relationship isn't working for you, then stop. It clearly isn't healthy or sustainable if you're hiring prostitutes to fill a void that your girlfriend is not willing to. This path only leads to heartbreak for both of you. If you don't want to seek help/therapy/what have you, then it isn't fair for you to stay with your girlfriend. If you disagree that you need help and you're comfortable with the methods you use to get off, then clearly your relationship can't work. That sort of dynamic seems almost certainly incompatible with someone who has gone through a traumatic sexual experience/experiences.
I don't want to come off as holier-than-thou but damn, dude. It's clear you're at least a little doubtful about the actions you've taken up to this point. You should do what's best for her and for yourself.
Yeah, I'm noticing my main criticism of Tildes is that in general, users have a high tolerance for people whose opinions or behavior cross the line into appalling. Nobody wants to be seen as rude or unaccommodating, but like, Jesus, some people need to be grabbed by the metaphorical shoulders and shaken for a bit. Everyone deserves respect, and part of respect is being straight with people who are out of line, and not patronizing their destructive or dangerous behavior.
I think there is a place for judgement, but that place is not in therapy or when a person is seeking help. The judgement will (and probably should) come from the girlfriend, parents, society at large, etc. But when a person is genuinely seeking help, I find that a more neutral, logical view is the best way forward. Judgement and criticism won't help and may hurt, a lot.
When we talk about addiction and immoral behavior, we are almost always talking about a situation where the addiction is not immoral or moral - it's a sickness that just is. The immoral behavior is a consequence of this addiction. Being a sex addict is not immoral, and OP is a victim to their sex addiction as much or more than anyone else. This doesn't excuse them from the consequences that will inevitably follow poor choices (like sleeping with prostitutes), but it does mean that they need a judgement free zone to actually look at the root causes of the problem and address it. Cheating on the girlfriend isn't a root cause but rather a symptom, and we will get nowhere in addressing this if that's all we are allowed to talk about.
Besides, in my experience, someone who has been successful in overcoming their addiction will almost always judge themselves harshly after their brain is thinking more clearly. They rarely need these reminders. I still cringe and feel immense guilt for my actions during my heroin addiction even though it's been several years. It never goes away.
In relationships, in society, and in religion we can assign a moral value to behaviors. In science (psychology, medicine, sociology), I don't think we can. Not if we want to understand and help.
If someone thinks everyone is going to jump on them and call them all the terrible things they probably already think about themselves, they will just keep quiet. I would rather someone feel comfortable to say: "here's an issue, I am too afraid to admit this to anyone but I feel comfortable to do so here, do you have any advice?" Maybe now this person will actually seek therapy, whereas if they just shut up and say nothing for fear of ridicule, judgement, etc. they will not.
Addictions are real. Stopping unwanted behaviors can be difficult for some people. Really, I'm not going to judge. Maybe this person doesn't yet understand that they have the ability to stop, or doesn't have the tools to do so. Maybe with therapy, or some other perspectives, they will gain those tools. Maybe they already think they are a douchebag, but don't know how to stop a certain behavior. I'm not going to judge. I'm glad they reached out. I'm sad that the exemplary post was calling them a douchebag, and that the OP deleted their thread.
It wasn't completely clear to me from the now-deleted original text that there was any cheating going on. I suspect there is, but it's written in an ambiguous way.
As @Wolf_359 said, if someone comes seeking help, it's not the best time to be confrontationally judgemental.
Like, Heichou's post says "You have issues". Is it helpful? I think OP knows he has issues. Now… the post has been deleted. Maybe OP will seek therapy, maybe not. Maybe nothing will change.
I've been on Tildes quite a bit longer than you and I can tell you we have a low tolerance for "people whose opinions or behavior cross the line into appalling". However, because the site lives on trust, benefit of the doubt is prized. If you want to give the benefit of the doubt here, you assume that the OP truthfully understands they're doing something wrong, and that they're seeking advice/help. In other words, Tildes is different from /r/AITA or some such.
I don't think people need to be coddled and told "it's ok, you're not doing anything wrong, everyone deserves their own opinion" or something. But you also don't have to be a dick when they make themselves vulnerable.
And by the way I'm not dumping on @Heichou here either - I think theirs is a mostly reasonable response as well. That relationship probably needs to stop. But probably is the keyword: it's important to understand you can't truly evaluate people's lives from a few paragraphs of text, which is exactly why we give the benefit of the doubt, and why most responses are "here's general advice, but it's time to talk to a professional".
I am not judging you in any way.
I have never been in this situation, but I would absolutely be thinking of the health consequences. You are in your 20s - can I ask if you've ever had a serious health scare in your life, or had your health jeopardized? I mention this because, before such an even happens, I think the idea of "health consequences" can seem so distant and unattached from us, that it's difficult to really take them seriously. I can only say that quality of life issues are massive. There are some damages you can do to your body which can not be undone.
You are also opening your girlfriend up to health issues. Maybe thinking about this could be a deterrent?
Another thing that probably seems quite stupid and obvious, so please feel free to disregard this - is just understanding that it is absolutely within your control if you continue to engage in this behavior. I mention this only because I've encountered some behaviors in my life that I wanted to stop; I found it difficult to stop them initially, and so I thought "this is beyond me! Why can't I stop this? What's wrong with me?" The faulty belief that I was unable to stop, gave me a constant "Excuse" to continue with the undesirable behavior, because in the back of my mind "I will fuck up and do it again, might as well relieve the tension and go ahead and do it." Once I truly understood that it was within me to stop such behaviors, it went a long way. This was my personal experience, and might not be relevant for others.
I wish I had better advice for you.
Therapy, perhaps one focused on addiction. Medication to help with impulse control or maybe to lower sex drive if you find that masturbation is also something you can't control.
This is all going to come to a bad ending at some point. You're going to get a sickness you can't get rid of or get arrested. And you're going to stay trapped in a cycle of misery.
Nothing wrong with legal, ethical, consenting sex between a customer and sex worker. But it doesn't sound like this is above board and it doesn't sound like you're even enjoying it. It's compulsive behavior and it only feels "good" for a few minutes. Then I'm betting you're left feeling broke, weak, and guilty immediately after.
I struggled with heroin addiction for a few years and I was very lucky to have been put in a position where my choices were to quit or go to jail. At rehab I received counseling and medication that saved my life and changed my outlook on everything.
When I look back at those times, I realize how miserable I was. I knew on some level I wasn't happy but I had no idea how truly bleak and depressing my entire life felt at the time. I realize now that my compulsive behavior was out of control in other areas of my life beyond drug use as well, and that I was hurting my friendships, family relationships, work life, leisure time, and every other part of my existence you can think of. I assume you experience this too whether or not you know it yet.
Addictions and compulsions are strange because when one of them gets out of hand, others sneak in the back door too without you realizing it.
You're 28. Just a couple years older than I was when I started my new life. I'm a teacher now with a house, a car, a wife, two dogs, and a baby. I love my life so much even when it's not perfect. You can get there too but you have to face it head on and get some help. You just completed a big step in recognizing that there is an issue. You also sought feedback and assistance, which can be the beginning of the end of this cycle if you actually follow through now.
That $50 you keep spending should be going toward counseling sessions. Make sure you try a few different ones because I would say 4/5 counselors aren't a good fit for any one individual. You need a counselor who is smarter than you and one with whom you identify. Those are the two things that I think are important.
Counseling is important because things get clouded and unclear in our minds. We need neutral third parties to help us recognize patterns of behavior. It helps us be more honest with ourselves.
I don't know anything about your relationship with your girlfriend. Maybe you aren't sexually compatible as others have said. But one thing I want to say is that I think you'd be doing this even if she wanted to have sex all the time. Maybe you'd take a break, but eventually sex with the same person becomes a bit less exciting. It becomes more about intimacy and less about lust. You sound like you are addicted to the conquest and control aspect. I know a married man who in the same boat. Very attractive wife who is willing to have sex, yet he has struggled with addiction to prostitutes and hookup sex. It has nothing to do with the amount of sex he has - it's all about the conquest for him and it's all rooted in some deep childhood stuff.
Best of luck. This process can be easy and enjoyable overall even if there are bumps. And the reward will pay dividends every day for the rest of your life. Best investment you'll ever make.
Say to whom? Does she know? If she doesn't, you are basically heading to a crash, here. If she does… it still doesn't look good; the way you say it, it sounds like you have pretty deep sexual incompatibilities and what's happening to you right now is just a symptom of that.
I talked before on Tildes about my own relationships, I'm pretty public about it - I've been with escorts, and also used to be in a very special relationship with a wonderful asexual woman. But anyone I've been with knows these things about me, very early on even.
If you're doing something that is in your power to stop, and yet you cannot stop, there's two possibilities. Either it's an addiction, or it's a coping mechanism (or both). I'm not a psychiatrist, but it sounds like it's the latter, which means you need to figure out: 1. What are the gaps you're trying to fill (do some deep introspection, it's not necessarily sex; hire a therapist if you can); 2. What concrete strategy you can put in place to get things to stop.
If you can't hire a therapist to help you with this, enlist a close friend and get them to help brainstorm, bounce ideas off, do some back and forth. This is work that is very difficult to do alone, because it's incredibly difficult to be objective about yourself, or even just not get tunnelvision about yourself.
It's difficult to offer advice for something like this because there's so much to unpack. First and foremost, this may not be something people can relate to very well, myself included. Then there are questions about you and your past, if you've struggled with your own trauma, and what you even really want out of these encounters, especially since you're not even finishing. Things like your habits and how often you drive past the house could also affect your thinking and urges.
So, like others have said, therapy, if you aren't already talking to someone, could be a good option for you. Someone who can help you unpack, you. But in the meantime, I would suggest to go out of your way to avoid that house. I understand it's close, and it may be impossible depending on your schedule and city layout, but give yourself some extra time to drive the long way. Go a scenic route, try to keep some distance basically.
It's so easy to think "Well I'm already here, may as well." so give yourself the space you need so you don't give those most difficult thoughts a chance to pop up.