Let's talk about friendships. What are some practices that help foster your most rewarding relationships?
I find that while romantic relationships are quite specifically defined in our society, friendships don't seem to have the same universally understood characteristics or “road maps” for their development, so I find them interesting to discuss, especially considering the modern epidemic of loneliness many people are experiencing. Most people share the same understanding of what makes someone your romantic partner, but when does someone become your friend, vs. just an acquaintance? What makes someone a good friend or a bad friend - essentially, what can we expect from our friends, and what should we give in return?
I remember a scene from the show “Love on the Spectrum” (a reality show about people with autism in the dating world) that stuck with me. One of the people on the show explained that because he didn't understand socialization very well naturally, he had taken it upon himself to study the psychology behind it for many years, to the point where he became quite a charming and socially capable guy. I'm not autistic, but I was homeschooled up to age 14. I believe it made me quite socially stunted, and I didn't really learn how to maintain friendships until my mid 20s. Instead of learning social skills naturally over building blocks in preschool, I was reading books and journaling about it as an adult. Looking back, I no longer resent it, because being forced to work on it like a skill seems to have benefited me in the long run, and after a very lonely early life, I now have many dear friends who bring me joy.
I have a “system” of sorts that seems to work very well for me. There are three elements: consistency, vulnerability, and adaptability.
#1. Consistency
When people talk about their struggles with making or keeping friendships, this aspect is usually mentioned the most often. People are busy, schedules can get tight, and we all have a lot of things that get in the way of spending time with the people in our lives. Commonly, people aren't sure how often they should reach out to their friends, or worry that they are bothering someone who isn't interested in spending time with them. (Usually friends don't break up, after all, they just fade.) I think a lot of friendships are lost or missed because both people simply stop reaching out.
I never take it personally when I ask someone to hang out once or twice and they don't respond, or it doesn't work out. I just give it some time and try again later, at least a few times. Also, I try to reach out without requiring much time or effort from the other person, like just messaging to tell them something that reminded me of them, without scheduling anything at the moment. It also helps to learn people’s preferred communication styles - some people might never respond to texts, but enjoy casual phone calls, or visa versa. Sometimes I miss my friends but I'm way too busy to do more socializing at the time, so I schedule something weeks or months in advance.
Consistency can come in different forms, some people I see for short amounts of time each week, and others I only see a few times a year for quality time on a vacation. Both are good! Another part of consistency is making an effort to follow through on commitments - it's okay to cancel on friends a certain amount, but it's important to give notice and reschedule promptly.
#2. Vulnerability
A friendship needs consistency as a foundation, especially new ones. However, if you see someone every week and don't eventually learn personal things about each other, it can only go so far. And once you have introduced vulnerability, it can be difficult to find a balance. Many people worry about over sharing, and others struggle to recognize when they might be sharing too much. I try to match the energy of the person I'm interacting with. I don't come out swinging by mentioning my difficult religious upbringing and relationship with my parents (obviously,) instead, I ask people casual questions about their family, for example, and see what they're comfortable with sharing. When someone does share something vulnerable with me, I take note of it, and later on I tell them something of a similar nature about myself. Vulnerability is like a ladder - a ladder that is best climbed gradually.
I find that men tend to struggle with vulnerability the most (perhaps to no one's surprise,) particularly in friendships between two men. A few months ago my husband found out that his mother had relapsed, and he mentioned that he wished he had a friend to talk to whose parent was also an addict. I told him that actually, one of our friends had a father who passed away from addiction, something I knew about him despite being friends with the guy for a shorter period of time, and I said maybe he should talk to him about it. Of course, this is a sensitive topic that some friends simply don't always share with each other, which is not necessarily a bad thing. But it got me curious about the likelihood of men sharing that information with each other, compared to a man sharing it with a woman, or to a woman sharing with another woman. Men and women alike have much to gain when we share vulnerable information with each other in a healthy way.
(side note: I struggle with friendships with people who are very private, or are more likely to share after being prodded a bit. I ask questions, but I'm not likely to push someone who isn't giving a lot of information, so with shy people I sometimes struggle to bring the friendship to a closer place. Most of my closest friends are all extroverts, and I would like to figure out how to get to know my shy, quiet friends a bit better, without being invasive or too intense.)
#3. Adaptability
Where consistency is most important at the beginning of a new friendship, adaptability becomes more important later on, for the longevity of a friendship. An adaptive friendship can survive when people's interests, schedules, and circumstances change. If you know you can have a good time with someone in different environments, a friendship is more likely to survive when people move, change careers, have kids, generally grow older and more mature, etc.
A good example is the fact that I had a lot of surface-level “festival friends” or “concert friends” in my mid 20s, and despite hanging out with them consistently for years, I'm not friends with most of them anymore. This is mostly because our tastes in music or hangout spots changed, and there was nothing else tethering or deepening our friendship, so when those things changed, it ended. On the flipside, most of my closest friends today actually are people who I met at festivals or parties, but it's because I've invested in those relationships and expanded them to exist beyond the circumstances that we met under. I can lose interest in going to electronic music festivals and not worry about losing the friends that I camp with there, because I make sure to pull those friends into my normal day to day life, by going hiking, cooking dinner, getting coffee, etc. I also try to do new things with friends, so we have a shared new experience together.
Another example of adaptability is which social contexts you are in when you spend time together, as in, hanging out in group settings only, or getting together only when a mutual friend is there, vs. spending time 1:1. When I invite a friend of a friend to hang out with me without the original mutual friend, that's taking a step into a relationship that exists independently. I keep this in mind whenever one of my friends starts dating someone that I really get along with and make it a point to form my own friendship with that person, so if the relationship doesn't last, I have the opportunity to keep that person in my life.
Maybe some of these things seem like common sense or human nature, but it certainly took me a while to recognize some of them. Whenever I meet someone I really get along with, I make sure to keep these principles in mind. And when I feel myself drifting away from a good friend, I think about which of the three elements could use some attention.
What are your thoughts on cultivating quality friendships? Does it come naturally to you? Anything you struggle with in particular?
I find I really have to force myself to extend invitations to people to hang out - not because I don’t want to, but because I get nervous that they won’t want to! But when I can get over that fear, I find my friendships grow hugely. No one wants to feel like they’re always the one asking to see you, it has to go both ways.
I also try to let people know I’ve enjoyed seeing them. A quick text the next day to say you had a good time goes a long way, if it’s genuine.
People also tend to appreciate when you remember little things they have going on and get in contact. For example, if a friend has an interview or something I will put it in my calendar so I remember to check in after and see how it went.
Growing up my girlfriends and I had an odd kind of relationship built on good natured teasing, and it meant we all had to learn how to be genuine and open with new friends. Paying compliments and being earnest about liking people still comes a little hard to me sometimes, but it’s a much better way to make friends (as a girl - boy friendships are baffling to me!)
This is closely related to what I mentioned in my post about how romantic relationships come with a roadmap for how to interact - what you describe is very common with people who are hoping to make a good impression after a date, but it's not something you often see people mentioning in relation to friendships. I think this is a great tip to put into practice. It's absolutely lovely to hear that someone not only enjoyed spending time with you, they enjoyed it so much that they took a minute to express it.
Also, I do the same thing with calendar reminders! Like you, I do it for interviews, also for first days at a new job, or first days in a new college program. For all of us, days like that are full of uncertainty and sometimes anxiety, and a small text from a friend can be such a comfort. I try to make that happen whenever possible.
It's interesting to me that you say male friendships are baffling, only because you say it right after stating that your early girlfriends had a jovial, teasing kind of friendship. Because in my experience, the incessant teasing seems like the main thing that defines male friendships from female ones. I actually have more male friendships than female ones (for context, I am a woman,) partially because I find that I can joke with men and "give them a hard time" more effortlessly without worrying about hard feelings. On the flipside, it's much harder to coax vulnerability from male friends, whereas with women it comes very easily.
I love discussing the differences between male and female friendships - what is baffling to you about male friendships, specifically?
I find the teasing part of male friendships easy! What I find baffling is how men hang out without talking about anything to do with their lives. My husband comes home from seeing a friend he’s known for 20 years and I’ll ask how his wife is, how his kids are, is he still dealing with that medical problem or is he better etc and my husband won’t have asked. What do they talk about????? This is someone he considers one of of his greatest friends.
I think you can take a lot of the dating advice stuff and apply it to friendships. The actual words you use will be different, but things like expressing how you feel, making regular contact, making sure your friend feels appreciated etc is all transferable!
There's a passage from Dorothy Sayers' The Unpleasantness at the Bellona Club that amuses me whenever I think about this topic:
Oh, then I misunderstood that part of your comment. :) I feel the same way! My husband does talk about life stuff with some of his friends, but not as much as I do, I think. In his case, it doesn't seem to harm the closeness or quality of friendships though. I think sometimes men just don't need to know a lot of details, I suppose!
In a positive way, sometimes male friendships seem a bit simpler than female friendships. In most of my female friendships, we talk about our feelings more, and tend to, I don't know, expect more specific things from each other? Not necessarily in a bad way, but like asking for more support from each other, I think. Men rarely ask for support, in my experience. My male friends do sometimes share vulnerable things with me, but I've noticed they always apologize repeatedly, as if they are burdening me.
I think the most important thing in any relationship—friendship, parenthood, romantic, whatever—is to find out what your and other folks' boundaries are and to validate and honor them.
Boundary violations, whether unconscious/consciously by the offender and the affected party, rightly inspire a viscerally negative result. The instinct is to push back and move away from the person who does it. Like when you touch a hot stove. The response is immediate and abrupt.
When the victim is unable to do so, or they cannot escape or terminate the situation, a part of them dies/is frozen in time and place among other things. They often become traumatized or violently fight back against whatever the stimulus in question is.
There is a lot more to know and learn and discuss but for the purposes of this discussion, do not ever tell someone how they do or should feel, and take care to ensure you understand someone's feelings about things whenever there is any doubt or novel situations. It is much easier to ask permission first and act second and in that way, ensure you do no harm.
It is magical when two people regardless of age are able to transact in such a way that they learn how to make sure they are both enriched and not harmed by their interactions (not sexual but otherwise)
If for some reason a boundary must be violated to protect or balance the rights of more than one person, it is worthwhile and commendable to narrate and make explicit for the record the oncoming violation and to be present and guide the subject of the violation in a way that helps them through the process in a way that is supportive and warm in tenor. Humor is so important for defusing and disarming people and making unlpleasant stimuli more tolerable or even enjoyable while violations are occurring and even after the fact.
Arguably the worst thing you can do to a person besides blatantly violent harm is to gaslight, where you ignore and substitute someone's feelings and understanding of the world or a situation involving them with your own or contrived ones for various selfish reasons or aims.
On the positive side, as an illustration, think about how dentists operate when they must work with your teeth and mouth. That is an extremely intimate area that is fundamentally similar in a sense to a woman's vagina or other internal intimate cavities (lol) we all possess. They warn you and talk you through an uncomfortable and physically violative process because it is healthy and necessary to interact and receive care in that place. We even pay them for the pleasure (its a literal cavity search)
I appreciate you commenting on the more difficult aspects of friendship, a topic that I believe is not discussed enough. I have had a couple of sad endings to good friendships that I navigated poorly.
One in particular centered around boundaries - I had a wonderful friend who spent lots of time with me during the early pandemic, but after about a year of spending time together, she wanted to hang out 5 days a week, for many hours at a time. I was becoming socially burnt out from it, and spending more time with her than with my husband... so I let her know that I was only able to spend time with her once or twice a week. She didn't take it well, and to my surprise it eventually ended the friendship. She said I wasn't able to give her the support she needed. I do miss her, but I don't believe she was being reasonable. It still makes me sad thinking about it though.
I have a few friends who are incredibly supportive of me when I am having a hard time in life, and the situation described above taught me to make sure I am not asking for too much of my friend's time and energy.
I think I understand exactly what you mean here. I sometimes have a bad habit of ruminating on things that make me anxious, like my job, and complaining about it a bit too much to some of my friends. When I notice it happening, I say something like "I'm sorry, I must sound like a broken record or something lately! I appreciate you being supportive and listening to me while I'm working through this." And then I try to change the situation, for my sake and theirs!
My closest friend and I describe our friendship in this way. We expect nothing of each other, but give in equal amounts. We work together (even though we have different jobs,) help each other run errands, and generally enrich each other's lives. We never hold it against each other if we aren't able to hang out for a while, as both of us have limited social batteries. But ultimately it is reenergizing for me, to be able to spend time with them. My husband and I are similar. For me, this is one of the most important aspects of a healthy romantic or platonic relationship.
Well well put! I just wanna comment on the part where you mention that you make an admission or confession demonstrating your self-awareness about seeming like a broken record and kind of debriefing your audience in real-time to ostensibly positive effect.
When you admit a painful or unflattering or disadvantageous concession to even an antagonistic party, it is a very strong part of the dialectical nature of human interaction to operate somewhat contrarily in order to maintain boundaries and repel people potentially and also I think because language is in some sense a game like any other with some sense of hierarchy or performance relative to the respective conversants.
When you try to establish positive qualities to others without them coming to those conclusions independantly, there is a strong instinct to build a case and behave to the contrary. Donald Trump is a great example of this.
Not to get political, but the fact he has to tell you all the time that he's so rich and successfull and powerful and attractive and athletic and basically any positive superlative in the storied tradition of the "strongman", there is a strong reverse implication to many folks (myself included once I was no longer a child and I don't mean to be throwing invective here) that he is not either any or many of those things and the actionable insight is to pay closer attention to the evidence to the contrary and to pushback on what are perceived as his fanciful claims.
People who have humility and understand and demonstrate self-deprecation are often perceived by most people to be in a sense (too hard on themselves) and they often establish a very favorable persona without necesarily even trying (assuming they have not precalculated or seemingly engage in method acting in real life) where we do the heavy lifting of proving to ourselves that they are good people with many varying positive qualities that they would have to work a lot harder or be fundamentally incapable of persuading of had they chose the path of false bravado and self-agrandizement we all know and "love" about the Donald and people of his ilk.
The one thing that's kept friendships together for me is shared activities. I have friends mostly because we like doing similar things together. I've lost friends because we stopped doing things together.
There's outliers - like my old college roommate who I keep in touch with after nearly 20 years because one of us remembers to update the other on our lives every now and then - but usually it's shared activities.
Time.
Friendships take time.
That is always easier when you are younger.
So keep in contact with your school friends.
Which is so much easier to do for the younger generation. So this is probably useless advice, as people are probably already doing this...
Agreed. Like I mentioned in the post, I didn't have many friendships at all from highschool and didn't go to a traditional college, and so I am a bit jealous of my husband who has maintained some great friends all the way from middle school.
I don't think it's necessarily easier for the younger generation though! Yes, they have the networks built in since social media has existed for their whole lifetimes, but being connected on social media is a far cry from true connection. Often, I think social media gives the illusion of human interaction, which can actually harm the progression of friendship. Sometimes I realize I've seen all the major updates from someone's life so it feels like we've been in touch, when really we haven't had a good conversation in years. I don't think your advice is useless at all, rather quite appropriate.
Friendships don’t come easily to me. I’m not neurodivergent to my knowledge, I’m just kind of a loaner. Perhaps I have a few too many mental complexes. I’m not a terribly lonely person though.
I have come to think that the key to making friends is a combination of honesty, vulnerability, and altruism. Honesty and vulnerability are strongly related, because in order to make good quality friends you have to represent yourself as you actually are, flaws and all. The more real you are with people the more you will find people who think the same way you do and share your interests. The altruism part might be better described as a sort of soft generousness. You don’t have to give away things, you have to be willing to share your time and knowledge, and most importantly your patience.
These are all “soft skills”, so to speak, and they are also soft in that the exact requirements will change according to the people involved and what kind of relationship you have. No two friendships are alike.
One of the most important thing to keep in mind is that time is a key ingredient in any relationship. You can’t have one without investing some amount of time into it. Friendships fade if left alone. And that’s honestly probably one of my biggest weaknesses when it comes to friends. I am pretty good at making friends at work, but I can’t really come up with the energy to meet up with them outside of that context. I’m a bit of a bore because I don’t care much for collaborative things in general, let alone things like sports or drinking or partying.
Oh, I doubt you're a bore. :) Often the best thing to do with friends is simply to have good conversations, which I imagine you're capable of based on the comments I see you make here. I happen to be a "party" type of person, but it's no coincidence that my closest friendships are the ones that I intentionally expand so I'm doing "boring" things with those people. Normal life is boring at the end of the day, you know? I have a friend who doesn't drink or do anything that resembles partying - they happen to hate grocery shopping, so we just get together to run errands and grab coffee or tea afterwards to catch up.
I understand the issue of not knowing exactly what collaborative activities to do with people, since I also don't play sports and don't have too many collaborative hobbies. Going to dinner is a good default with friends that I don't share hobbies with.
That being said, I don't think it's inherently bad to have few friendships or not focus much energy there, as long as you truly don't feel lonely. I don't identify as an extrovert or an introvert these days, but I am a very independent person and I can spend weeks at a time happily not engaging with anyone.