I'm surprised this is what you got from it. The piece for me wasn't telling big scary men to not scared women. It was about trying to share a little insight as to what a women might be thinking...
This entire essay's purpose seems to be to tell every man that he needs to behave differently and be extra careful to not scare women when approaching them.
I'm surprised this is what you got from it. The piece for me wasn't telling big scary men to not scared women. It was about trying to share a little insight as to what a women might be thinking when a stranger approaches her. It's not about not scaring her, as much it's about respecting her space.
This and the passages surrounding it are social common sense.
I definitely agree with you that it should be. I'm only going to speak for my own experiences, but as someone who always wears large headphones and reads a book/looks out the window when taking the bus, I can say it's not. I've had men tap me, wave their hand in front of my book, take off my headphones to talk to me. On a plane, I once had someone wake me to chat with me.
Chatting with my friends, these are not as unique as they should be.
Does that inherently make rudeness and rape related issues?
She didn't say it does, as much as that it increases being perceived as a possible rapist. If someone doesn't know you and you already fail to respect boundaries in one way, the impression is that you won't respect boundaries anywhere.
Did you read the blog? It's all about assessing risk. For instance, we all know that we're taking a higher risk walking down a dark alley at 3am than we would take walking down the same alley in...
However, you can't deduce from that that they won't respect sexual boundaries and rape someone.
Did you read the blog?
Because a man who ignores a woman’s NO in a non-sexual setting is more likely to ignore NO in a sexual setting, as well.
It's all about assessing risk. For instance, we all know that we're taking a higher risk walking down a dark alley at 3am than we would take walking down the same alley in broad daylight at 3pm. That doesn't mean you will definitely get mugged if you walk down the alley in the middle of the night, it just means the risk is higher. Maybe the risk is 30% instead of 10%. So, you assess whether you want to take that risk.
A man who doesn't accept "no" in a social situation is a higher risk to not accept "no" in a sexual situation. That doesn't mean he will definitely rape a woman if he gets her alone, it just means the risk for her is higher. Maybe the risk is 30% instead of 10%. So, she has to assess whether she wants to take that risk.
This is, what I think, an extremely representative piece on how a lot of women are taught and do access threats in daily life. It was shared with me years ago, and with the #MeToo movement and the...
This is, what I think, an extremely representative piece on how a lot of women are taught and do access threats in daily life. It was shared with me years ago, and with the #MeToo movement and the questions that have arise in our social dynamics lately, I believe it's still relavent.
I have also always wondered if other minorities feel this way perhaps at certain times or in certain places.
A word of caution - you may want to edit links to omit the Google AMP ad-tracking. That being said, it's an excellent essay and I'm glad you posted it. Anecdata: a physically small gay male friend...
A word of caution - you may want to edit links to omit the Google AMP ad-tracking. That being said, it's an excellent essay and I'm glad you posted it.
Anecdata: a physically small gay male friend experienced the same kind of oppressive dating behavior, with the added risk of being involuntarily outed at work; Schroedinger's Rapist isn't a condition of existential threat exclusive to females.
I think a lot of people fail to grasp this. People in general don't want the context-free cold open in public regardless of what happened in whatever shitty Rom-Com, so their reaction (positive or...
A compliment is not always a reason for women to smile and say thank you. You are a threat, remember? You are Schrödinger’s Rapist. Don’t assume that whatever you have to say will win her over with charm or flattery. Believe what she’s signaling, and back off.
I think a lot of people fail to grasp this. People in general don't want the context-free cold open in public regardless of what happened in whatever shitty Rom-Com, so their reaction (positive or negative) to anything you say is going to be mixed with their reaction to you busting into their space (almost always negative). The exact same words spoken on a bus will play out dramatically differently in a context where there's a reasonable expectation of conversation with a stranger (e.g. doing an activity in some shared interest group together), much like how a cashier asking you for money at 10PM when you just ordered something is completely different from some random dude approaching you on the sidewalk and asking for money at the same hour. Feeling slighted because a stranger reacted negatively to something "nice" often demonstrates a serious lack of empathy and situational awareness.
And entitlement. It's weird how poorly some people react to a negative response to a compliment or simple rejection. And that definitely adds another layer. If I reject you, say in a crowded bar...
Feeling slighted because a stranger reacted negatively to something "nice" often demonstrates a serious lack of empathy and situational awareness.
And entitlement. It's weird how poorly some people react to a negative response to a compliment or simple rejection. And that definitely adds another layer. If I reject you, say in a crowded bar (where it is a place for cold introductions), and you follow me to the bathroom to explain you were just being nice...what response do you honestly expect you'll get?
Doesn't everyone? Seems insincere to suggest men should be carefree when assault and robbery stats state otherwise. I think it's more honest to just say that everyone, regardless of gender or...
Unless I am in a densely-occupied, well-lit space, I won’t go out alone. Even then, I prefer to have a friend or two, or my dogs, with me. Do you follow rules like these?
Doesn't everyone? Seems insincere to suggest men should be carefree when assault and robbery stats state otherwise.
I think it's more honest to just say that everyone, regardless of gender or orientation has the weight of self-preservation and safety decisions.
Using the phrase "their tolerance" takes the real issue, then rewrites it as a shortcoming of women instead of laying out what it is as is. When a man goes out, sure he could get robbed or killed....
Using the phrase "their tolerance" takes the real issue, then rewrites it as a shortcoming of women instead of laying out what it is as is. When a man goes out, sure he could get robbed or killed. What is a significant threat for the vast majority of women relative to men is that a woman is much more likely to be sexually assaulted, raped, or kidnapped. The woman's tolerance for risk is not fundamentally lower, the risk itself is extremely higher.
But is that true? Is a women's risk of harm actually greater, or just the perceived one? I have heard stats that men are more likely to be victims of violence, where women are more likely to be...
But is that true? Is a women's risk of harm actually greater, or just the perceived one? I have heard stats that men are more likely to be victims of violence, where women are more likely to be victims of murder, but aren't both relatively low in the grand scheme of things?
Well of course, and the large majority of victims of violent acts are men. There is this deeply flawed rhetoric that argues that as men are physically superior to women, they should take the...
Well of course, and the large majority of victims of violent acts are men.
There is this deeply flawed rhetoric that argues that as men are physically superior to women, they should take the preemptive precautions not to scare women with this physical superiority.
Thing is, men are victim of other men's strength much much more than women. Just because in the same logic, it is assumed to be much more acceptable to receive violence because you are a man.
I believe the author missed all important questions on that matter, that tries to give a lecture to men on their behavior towards women.
It's like so many of these articles : it's aimed at those who think they are entitled to such precaution from others, nobody else can get anything from it I feel like.
My two-cent, I don't think the author is saying that men need to take precautions not to scare women because they are physically superior. I actually think it's because men are "expected" to "make...
There is this deeply flawed rhetoric that argues that as men are physically superior to women, they should take the preemptive precautions not to scare women with this physical superiority.
My two-cent, I don't think the author is saying that men need to take precautions not to scare women because they are physically superior. I actually think it's because men are "expected" to "make a move", so the chances of a men walking up to and hitting on a women is greater than the other way around.
I believe the author missed all important questions on that matter, that tries to give a lecture to men on their behavior towards women.
This author is writing specifically about how a woman (herself, specifically), thinks when someone she doesn't know approaches her. She isn't saying men can't be victims, in fact that's outside the scope of her piece.
...aimed at those who think they are entitled to such precaution from others...
I believe everyone deserves and should be entitled to having their personal boundaries respected.
I'm surprised this is what you got from it. The piece for me wasn't telling big scary men to not scared women. It was about trying to share a little insight as to what a women might be thinking when a stranger approaches her. It's not about not scaring her, as much it's about respecting her space.
I definitely agree with you that it should be. I'm only going to speak for my own experiences, but as someone who always wears large headphones and reads a book/looks out the window when taking the bus, I can say it's not. I've had men tap me, wave their hand in front of my book, take off my headphones to talk to me. On a plane, I once had someone wake me to chat with me.
Chatting with my friends, these are not as unique as they should be.
She didn't say it does, as much as that it increases being perceived as a possible rapist. If someone doesn't know you and you already fail to respect boundaries in one way, the impression is that you won't respect boundaries anywhere.
Did you read the blog?
It's all about assessing risk. For instance, we all know that we're taking a higher risk walking down a dark alley at 3am than we would take walking down the same alley in broad daylight at 3pm. That doesn't mean you will definitely get mugged if you walk down the alley in the middle of the night, it just means the risk is higher. Maybe the risk is 30% instead of 10%. So, you assess whether you want to take that risk.
A man who doesn't accept "no" in a social situation is a higher risk to not accept "no" in a sexual situation. That doesn't mean he will definitely rape a woman if he gets her alone, it just means the risk for her is higher. Maybe the risk is 30% instead of 10%. So, she has to assess whether she wants to take that risk.
But the chances that they won't are higher.
This is, what I think, an extremely representative piece on how a lot of women are taught and do access threats in daily life. It was shared with me years ago, and with the #MeToo movement and the questions that have arise in our social dynamics lately, I believe it's still relavent.
I have also always wondered if other minorities feel this way perhaps at certain times or in certain places.
Edit to add fixed link
A word of caution - you may want to edit links to omit the Google AMP ad-tracking. That being said, it's an excellent essay and I'm glad you posted it.
Anecdata: a physically small gay male friend experienced the same kind of oppressive dating behavior, with the added risk of being involuntarily outed at work; Schroedinger's Rapist isn't a condition of existential threat exclusive to females.
Thanks. I noticed shortly after posting but couldn't fix it. Messaged @Deimos. Looks like he fixed it.
Fixed mostly, but the post listing still has (google.ca) on it. cc @deimos
Whoops, fixed. Thanks.
I think a lot of people fail to grasp this. People in general don't want the context-free cold open in public regardless of what happened in whatever shitty Rom-Com, so their reaction (positive or negative) to anything you say is going to be mixed with their reaction to you busting into their space (almost always negative). The exact same words spoken on a bus will play out dramatically differently in a context where there's a reasonable expectation of conversation with a stranger (e.g. doing an activity in some shared interest group together), much like how a cashier asking you for money at 10PM when you just ordered something is completely different from some random dude approaching you on the sidewalk and asking for money at the same hour. Feeling slighted because a stranger reacted negatively to something "nice" often demonstrates a serious lack of empathy and situational awareness.
And entitlement. It's weird how poorly some people react to a negative response to a compliment or simple rejection. And that definitely adds another layer. If I reject you, say in a crowded bar (where it is a place for cold introductions), and you follow me to the bathroom to explain you were just being nice...what response do you honestly expect you'll get?
Doesn't everyone? Seems insincere to suggest men should be carefree when assault and robbery stats state otherwise.
I think it's more honest to just say that everyone, regardless of gender or orientation has the weight of self-preservation and safety decisions.
Maybe maybe not. I don't believe the writer is saying men are simply unafraid, just that their tolerance for risk maybe different from a women's.
Using the phrase "their tolerance" takes the real issue, then rewrites it as a shortcoming of women instead of laying out what it is as is. When a man goes out, sure he could get robbed or killed. What is a significant threat for the vast majority of women relative to men is that a woman is much more likely to be sexually assaulted, raped, or kidnapped. The woman's tolerance for risk is not fundamentally lower, the risk itself is extremely higher.
But is that true? Is a women's risk of harm actually greater, or just the perceived one? I have heard stats that men are more likely to be victims of violence, where women are more likely to be victims of murder, but aren't both relatively low in the grand scheme of things?
Well of course, and the large majority of victims of violent acts are men.
There is this deeply flawed rhetoric that argues that as men are physically superior to women, they should take the preemptive precautions not to scare women with this physical superiority.
Thing is, men are victim of other men's strength much much more than women. Just because in the same logic, it is assumed to be much more acceptable to receive violence because you are a man.
I believe the author missed all important questions on that matter, that tries to give a lecture to men on their behavior towards women.
It's like so many of these articles : it's aimed at those who think they are entitled to such precaution from others, nobody else can get anything from it I feel like.
My two-cent, I don't think the author is saying that men need to take precautions not to scare women because they are physically superior. I actually think it's because men are "expected" to "make a move", so the chances of a men walking up to and hitting on a women is greater than the other way around.
This author is writing specifically about how a woman (herself, specifically), thinks when someone she doesn't know approaches her. She isn't saying men can't be victims, in fact that's outside the scope of her piece.
I believe everyone deserves and should be entitled to having their personal boundaries respected.
Men aren't mugged because they reject a stranger's clumsy attempt at conversation.
They really are insane. And sad...