Is it time for asleep divorce?

I'll put myself out there as an anecdote of one (well, two since we'll count my husband).

Both of us snore. Both of us have different mattress preferences. I have restless leg syndrome and some other significant sleep issues. When I can fall asleep, I do so almost immediately but my husband takes a long time to drift down. When I can't sleep I like to listen to music or an audiobook, but it's hard to find headphones that are simultaneously comfortable to lie down in but also don't leak sound.

We shared a bed for years and kept the bedside table stocked with earplugs for when the snoring/headphone noise was enough to get to us. We also used the couch as a "relief bed" when one of us was inadvertently keeping the other up. It wasn't uncommon for one of us to wake up to find that the other had moved out to the living room, though as we got older and our couch got more worn in, this became less desirable. More and more we'd wake up sore or with back pain since most couches aren't really meant to be slept on.

We also have occasionally conflicting schedules, where one of us will have to wake up very early while the other will get the opportunity to sleep in. When all of these things are considered, it's clear that sleeping together in the same bed had a significant number of inconveniences and, correspondingly, very few positives. After all, sleeping in the same bed has little benefit because both of you are literally unconscious for most of it. The only times you're aware of things are when something isn't right!

After we bought a house and had a second bedroom to fill, we decided on the usual "guest bed" idea, which quickly became a separate bed for ourselves, since we host maybe once a month at most and it goes unused the other 95% of the time. We now sleep apart, in two separate bedrooms nightly.

And it's wonderful.

I don't like publicly expressing it, and it's even a little uncomfortable for me to put into writing here, because sleeping apart is sort of a cultural metaphor for relationship issues.¹ The image that comes to mind is a couple that has fought or is resentful enough of one another that it drives them to separate rooms. The lack of cohabitation is seen as symptomatic of something larger--an indicator of friction or conflict.

I can say, honestly, that it is neither of those things for us. We are very happy with each other and our relationship, and sleeping apart has, if anything, improved things. Nobody likes to be awakened at 3 AM to the sound of sawing logs, and wearing earplugs is not only uncomfortable but increases risks (given that I can less easily awaken to, say, a smoke alarm or my dog barking).

Furthermore, the separate beds have not impacted our time together. When we slept in the same bed, before going to sleep we would always cuddle together with our dog for 15-30 minutes as a nice way to wind down the day and talk to one another in a distraction-free environment. Now that we're sleeping in separate beds, we still do this every night, only when it comes time to turn out the light, one of us simply goes to the other bed.

I realize it's a luxury to have fully separate bedrooms (extra square footage is expensive!) and fully separate beds (mattresses and bedframes are expensive!), but I would strongly advocate for a changing of the cultural norm that couples should occupy the same bed or even same room nightly.

^{1: My hesitation has nothing to do with any feelings about my relationship but is more about stereotype threat. I've spent a large portion of my life around people who feel that gay relationships are less valid than straight ones, and many people I know still implicitly believe they're doomed to fail. To admit to sleeping separately can create the perception that our relationship is on the rocks or headed downhill. Neither of these is true, but I'm aware of the potential for feeding into that perception based on what I share.}