13
votes
Friends and loss
If applicable: how & why have your lost friends?
I'll start. One: I was terrible and certainly deserved some alienation. Though, I mostly self-pariahed. Beyond that, though... I worked with friends and they sucked so bad it was hard to continue liking them.
Well, how 'bout you??
Lost my best friend a few years back to the swine flu. I was the last person he talked to before he went to sleep and never woke up. I've never really had a falling out with any of my friends though.
Talking to a good friend in severe distress sounds comforting (if, also a bit worrying). Jeeze... that's a rough one. But, I can only hope your conversation eased his mind, some.
It was weird, he didn't even know he had it, no one did until he was autopsied. We were just staying up way too late, like til 3AM playing sanctum, he said he felt really shitty and was going to bed. I didn't hear from him for 5 days and so I tracked his mom down on facebook to find out.
Currently dealing with this right now and have dealt with this in the past.
The one in the past was my best friend that I met in preschool. I distinctly remember bonding over our love for Power Rangers. Our friendship maintained for years, crossing elementary and middle school. We would stay at each other's houses for days on end. He had a better home life for the most part, even though financially his family was worse off. When he was in the 5th grade, his mom broke the news that the person that he called his father, was actually the insurance salesman in my little town's stripmall. Up until that point, he thought he was the son of a Methodist preacher. So his world blew up, and he saw an out to his family's financial struggles since his biological dad had money and 10+ years of making up for otherwise spent money. He became hateful to the man who reared him, going to the point of changing his last name the moment he turned 18. In addition to taking on his last name, he also worshipped the guy. He picked up on mannerisms and attitudes, specifically to women and sex, which finally drove the last nail in our friendship. He ended up getting his high school sweet heart pregnant, while she was still in high school. He proceeded to have another kid with her, before she found out that he was cheating on her. Then, he spent a ton of time and money to make the courts believe that she was the unfit mother, ultimately leading him to getting the better half of the custody battle. The woman that he cheated on her with, he eventually had a kid with her too, all before the age of 24. Needless to say, I severed that tie but sometimes wish I hadn't. He is a POS who to this day is likely cheating on his woman based on the amount of likes he gives to other woman's posts on Twitter. A year ago, he reached out to me because he wanted to stay in touch. We had a long 4 hour conversation, which was pleasant, but I'm not occupying the same mental sphere as him. I'm childless and managed to have a career. I haven't married, but I have never been un-faithful to my partners. I just found it hard to relate in a way that would keep a friendship going with him.
Currently, I'm feeling a drift between my two best friends. I don't live anywhere close to them so I think that is the biggest factor. One of them just finished his LCSW exam and I think he is exploring life a bit more. He doesn't really reach out to me unless I reach out first. And even then, he might ignore a text message here or there if he doesn't feel like responding.
My other friend is a bit more complicated. I think our personalities have grown in a way where we just don't operate on the same wavelength. The biggest push factor from him comes from playing online games where he becomes a straight up asshole and has disrespected me a time or two when I don't play on his level. Usually every time I play with him, I have to vent to my significant other that he was being an asshole again and that I felt worse after socializing with him than I did before.
I guess the hardest part about the whole ordeal is just the overwhelming sense of loneliness that arises when I dwell too long on it. In the past, I have been a very clingy friend and now that I am working on that part of me, I feel the drift happening ever so more by the day. Ever since I have left my hometown, I have just found it incredibly difficult to make long-lasting friendships with people. I have made acquantainces but never another "best friend". Some days I worry about the fact, while other times I try to re-orient my mindset and treat myself with loving kindness. Everything that has ever started eventually has an end, and that idea is not only for when the good times turn to bad times, but also applies for the bad times turning to good times. If I have patience and take things as they come, they will change.
A friend of mine committed suicide 15 years ago.
Another entered a toxic relationship with a woman he impregnated. He just vanished.
A third is also in a relationship. I believe he’s pursuing a career that’s a dead end, depressed and ashamed. I tried getting in touch, he did not reply.
A fourth vanished after getting married. I believe he’s in some kind of toxic relationship. He’s quite proud and not the kind of guy that would ask for help. Before getting married he was kind of a womanizer, and I suspect he’s not equipped for a long term relationship.
I have several close friends from childhood and college that I'm still on good terms with and talk to regularly, I'm very lucky to have never lost anyone to drugs (opiates have killed 20-30 people in my graduating high school class of ~200) or any other misfortune like that. The only ones I've actually 'lost' were people who turned out to be sexual predators of some kind, but those I'm perfectly happy to be rid of.
Mostly, it's been my own fault. Sometimes I have a bad feeling that builds up within me that makes me want to disconnect from other people completely. I call it "pressing the reset button." I don't consciously want to do it, but I'll change my phone number and not tell anyone. As I don't have any social media, all of my friends but two very special ones will be unable to contact me. I've lost a lot of people in my life that way, some who I would very much want to hear from again. The only way I can think about it is as some warped instinct for self-preservation, as I find it hard to believe that anyone would want to befriend me. Yet I feel powerless to stop it; it is inexorable.
But I do have a best friend, who I'll call Will. I have never esteemed or loved anyone as much as I do Will. He is a continual inspiration to me. Will is also a heroin addict and severely depressed. I tend to either hear from him every day or not for a year or more, according to where he is and what his health is like. He moves around a lot, and also doesn't have social media, so it's hard to know if he's okay or not at any given time. It's currently been about eight months since I've heard anything from him. I hope that he's safe, and I hope that he's alive.
I come from an area with a lot of drug issues. I've lost four good childhood friends to overdoses.
I lost one of my best friends when I was a kid. He died fighting neuroblastoma. I met him at a temporary home for families with kids fighting cancer, where we both lived. He (16) was much older than me (11) or my brother (12), but we all had similar interests and got along great. I looked up to him and adopted his goofy sense of humor. I spent almost everyday with him for a year. A year after I finished my treatment and returned back home, I learned he passed. I didn't know how to process it as a 12-year-old, but all the excitement I had of him coming to visit me and meeting my dogs and seeing my room turned into survivor's guilt. I miss him very much.
I have many close friends today and put a lot of effort in keeping in touch with as many people as possible. I try to remind others that I think of them, even if they do not reciprocate the effort.