Talk to me about: Impulse control

Because I have severe, crippling ADHD, coupled with bipolar disorder, saying that I have an "addictive personality" would be an understatement. My brain is primed for excess.

Outside intrinsic values, such as the impulse control that comes from the understanding of the moral parameters that govern relationships and society, including but not limited to the role of religion in my life, my main source of impulse control are medications, without which I am not able to function.

Up until recently, I took Vyvanse, which was incredibly expensive. However, Vyvanse has been mostly unavailable in my country for the past few months, and I was forced to switch to Ritalin. Honestly, I think that was a positive change, for the time being at least. It is much cheaper, and only active for about 3 to 5 hours. Vyvanse works for 12 hours straight, it is effective but also very strong, and being "on" for 12 hours is exhausting. It is also problematic for a creator since the increase in executive functions comes with a loss in creativity.

I'm not ashamed of most of my addictive behavior because they are generally more harmful to me than others. When the medication is not working as expected, I tend to overeat.

I am, however, deeply ashamed and regretful of the people I hurt in the past due to what I now realize was an addiction to infatuation. Not sex, per se, although that was in the mix, but rather an inclination to be enthralled by profound infatuation that trumped all reasonable considerations. I was very much a slave to my emotions, jumping between entanglements with no consideration for the feelings of those around me. It was as if my partners were immaterial, just a means to achieve the thrill, and I was never truly involved or emotionally available.

ADHD/bipolar is a dangerous combination that can feed into destructive behaviors, and I didn't really have an education on romance. My parents were basically "hippies", and I was to some extent putting into practice their terrible, hedonistic advice. That is not to say I wasn't entirely responsible for my actions, especially when I became an adult, and that is why some of the things I did are a source of shame to this day.

It took me a while and a lot of pain (mine and otherwise) to understand some basic behavior and parameters a lot of people take for granted when it comes to romance. I now understand that not every desire must be pursued, and being "under a spell" is not a valid excuse to hurt those you leave behind in order to chase whatever or whoever you fancy.

My impulse control is not as good as I would like, but i improving. Some things being easier to deal with than others.

When I was younger, I would often get angry about things, and lose my temper. That has not happened in a long time; I've kept that impulse under control, and I am very happy with that.

I used to have quite a difficult time disengaging from disagreements. As I've aged, I find it easier to disengage, or not engage in the first place. Generally this just means letting go of a discussion, sometimes to the point of deleting my comments on the matter.

I have some impulse control issues related to food. I eat more than I should, and I eat worse things than I should. I like chocolate and fast foods, and I eat too much. I am constantly working on this.

Pretty bad generally. I have really bad executive functioning and was recently diagnosed with ADD (I use "diagnosed" with heavy quotations. They had me fill out a 15 question form and then prescribed me adderall). The drugs help a little, I don't love the idea of being reliant on them to live a productive life though.

I've always been a chronic procrastinator, putting things off until the last possible minute, and even then there being a 50/50 shot that I just say "Eh, fuck it. It's not that important to get done anyway". I feel like I may have gotten slightly better about that by sheer willpower, but its still not great.

If I'm on a routine I'm generally pretty good. I'm, I would say, 90% consistent with the gym. I aim to go 6 days a week, and I do most of the time. I'm in very good shape because of that. My meals are also very good. Most other stuff, things I'm not on a routine for and I need to think about, those things tend to slip.

I don't generally have much of an issue with addictions, except for brief bouts of extreme pleasure seeking in the form of isolation, video games, and porn which normally only last a day to a week. I get drunk and do drugs recreationaly sometimes, but pretty rarely and always with friends, and it never interferes with my life, which is frankly a huge blessing. I could see someone with issues about self control like me being extremely prone to addiction but I've lucked out so far in that regard.

I wish I could shore myself up and focus better, there are also other things I'd love to change about myself (being taller would be fantastic) but I figure everyone has things about themselves they really want to change. Overall, I made out pretty well and complaining about it just seems like griping to gripe.