Hello me, its you. I have suspected for some time that I have aphantasia. I know where everything is, in my house, but I don't visualize it when someone tells me to think of home. When someone...
Hello me, its you.
I have suspected for some time that I have aphantasia. I know where everything is, in my house, but I don't visualize it when someone tells me to think of home. When someone tells me to imagine a beach, I imagine it in the abstract - I know there's sand, water, fish, birds, probably people, coastline, etc. but I don't actually "see" a picture of it. I'm just thinking of what a beach consists of.
In regards to feelings, I've been accused of being a robot by more than one significant other, and I've been told by many that I'm very difficult to read (a good poker face). I get reminded at work to smile, in order to show people that I'm friendly. I do experience emotions, but I often wonder if my emotions are blunted as compared to others (with the exception of sadness; I struggled with depression as a child) - I can't even understand how anger can cause someone to commit a violent act like throwing an object. Along the same vein, I know I still experience intense emotions because I've had intense sadness at points in my life.
I too, forgive easily and don't hold grudges. Well, I did hold grudges in my childhood, but I quickly found out that this does no good for anyone - it just makes me upset and doesn't give the other person a chance to move on or grow up. I'm always focused on a fix for problems (what can I do, what can I learn, or what can I teach?), even when the problems greatly upset my life I quickly gain control of my emotions and look for a solution.
Ha, I like this analogy. Although my current life circumstances have it a bit less peaceful and content than I'd like, this is usually an apt comparison.
I'd describe my mind like a cow's--peaceful and content.
Ha, I like this analogy. Although my current life circumstances have it a bit less peaceful and content than I'd like, this is usually an apt comparison.
I wonder if aphantasia is all, as one of the commenters said, on a bit of a continuum. I would say that the vast majority of my thoughts on a daily basis are just a voice in my head, though it...
I wonder if aphantasia is all, as one of the commenters said, on a bit of a continuum. I would say that the vast majority of my thoughts on a daily basis are just a voice in my head, though it does allow some range of intonation. I can visualize, but it's hard for me, and generally only works well when rehearsed many times. I have visual dreams, but I remember them only rarely, and even then forget almost everything within the first hour of being awake. My memory of my own life is serviceable, but people around me often remember it better.
I have definitely experienced what I would call anger before, but only very rarely do I feel that frustrating crosses the line into true anger.
The Dude from the Big Lebowski is pretty highly strung most of the time. He presents himself as chill because that's his understanding of himself, but if you were to look at how he handles the...
The Dude from the Big Lebowski is pretty highly strung most of the time. He presents himself as chill because that's his understanding of himself, but if you were to look at how he handles the conflicts in the movie you might see a person who struggles most at dealing with conflict.
I'm usually pretty able to talk to people from a wide variety of backgrounds because (1) I'm genuinely interested in what they have to say and (2) I'm not going to jump down their throat for answering my questions honestly. Good listening often requires trying to push your ego down and letting someone else keep the floor to explain their particular view. Maybe there will come a point in the conversation that they are interested in listening to you. Maybe not. I see that as mostly their call to make. If they respect me enough to wonder what I think, I'd happily share. If not, I can leave when they've said the bit I was interested in without much concern.
It may seem odd, but the best way I've found to maintain a sense of unflappability is to find out of what I care most about. I will generally avoid bringing those issues up unless someone really wants me to present my view, and even then I'll have to add all the caveats about how important the topic is to me before ever launching into my view. I think if I set the expectations for the conversation, it's easier for people to know what I'm likely to be unable to handle. Most people don't want to make other people upset if they can help it, so I am giving them tools in a sense to avoid pressing my buttons.
As a native Californian my life experience has been welcoming people here and teaching them about our famous laid-back attitude. My favorite example is my friend who had his own Institute at...
As a native Californian my life experience has been welcoming people here and teaching them about our famous laid-back attitude. My favorite example is my friend who had his own Institute at Stanford. He was originally from the Balkans and is the most intense, combative, confrontational person I’ve ever met.
He made me his inspiration to change. I would take him on hikes and we would go out dancing and he would be shocked by my general lack of ambition. Now he is in Hawaii running a program there. His quest to learn peace and meaning drives him west, farther and farther each time.
#1 best method for developing what you're describing is meditation. There's a form that fits anyone's lifestyle, but the end result is always mindfulness. No need to accept ancient traditions,...
#1 best method for developing what you're describing is meditation. There's a form that fits anyone's lifestyle, but the end result is always mindfulness. No need to accept ancient traditions, many forms are brand new but accomplish the same.
Mindfulness includes both appreciating the mundane beauty around you, but also being aware of how certain events in life affect your mood. Unlike stoicism, the point isn't to suppress emotion/stress, but to fully realize what's causing it, and how to handle it best in that situation.
This is what I'm practicing now to get a better handle on things. The "thinking about thoughts" aspect of mindfulness is really where I found good help. I don't need to suppress anything, just...
This is what I'm practicing now to get a better handle on things. The "thinking about thoughts" aspect of mindfulness is really where I found good help. I don't need to suppress anything, just manage some aspects of my thought loops.
So far, the app\service Headspace has worked well for me but it is practice and I fall off the wagon sometimes. Some insurance carriers will even cover the subscription costs for some of the guided meditation apps.
I disagree. You can absolutely acknowledge that there's some fucked up shit going on in the world while still not getting riled up by it. Perhaps its accepting that the world is a fucked up place,...
I disagree. You can absolutely acknowledge that there's some fucked up shit going on in the world while still not getting riled up by it. Perhaps its accepting that the world is a fucked up place, perhaps it's being realistic about what is solvable, how fast progress moves, and just how large of a role one person who's not particularly dedicated can actually contribute (I don't have all day to contribute to saving the environment, as it's not my job). Or perhaps not... to be honest, I'm not sure what makes me "unflappable" and other's more easily disturbed.
It sounds like you might find Mindfulness useful. As I understand it through my limited exposure, it's about allowing negative thoughts and anxieties come into your mind and pass through. It's...
It sounds like you might find Mindfulness useful. As I understand it through my limited exposure, it's about allowing negative thoughts and anxieties come into your mind and pass through. It's about focusing on the here and now and accepting thoughts and feelings as they emerge, without the need to act upon them. It's often applied in depression treatment, but anyone can make use of it.
I'm naturally a "worryer", but over the last decade have been able to cultivate a more unflappable attitude. To be completely honest, it's a constant balance. I'll never be completely carefree,...
I'm naturally a "worryer", but over the last decade have been able to cultivate a more unflappable attitude. To be completely honest, it's a constant balance. I'll never be completely carefree, but i have built certain mechanisms into my life that cause me to reflect and usually work to help me regain my composure.
Buddhist and stoic texts are a good read - have you tried more eastern texts like the Tao Te Ching and the Bhagavad Gita? Eastern philosophy really contrasts with western philosophy in the individualism vs collectivism aspects. Whenever I am feeling stressed, I'll pull out the Tao and read a few chapters, and it forces me back into this collectivist mindset which tells you to see your place in the world. I find that my ego is often the issue when I feel stressed, and forcing myself to think about my place in the world helps me calm myself and appreciate what I have.
Living in the moment is hard, and people's mindfulness advice is probably good, but I've never really been able to meditate like others have suggested. Sometimes to force myself to clear my mind, I will take a bike ride or a walk through wilderness and try to observe everything, reminding myself how amazing everything is. I've read studies that greenery also promotes happiness, so you might get a double benefit for a hike in a park.
I'd also consider the possibility that it simply might not be for you. I've thought about this as well some time ago and found I just don't have the patience for it, and forcing myself to be that...
I'd also consider the possibility that it simply might not be for you. I've thought about this as well some time ago and found I just don't have the patience for it, and forcing myself to be that kind of person felt... kind of degrading honestly. Maybe I'll never be like the chill california bros around me but I think I'm ok with that
I had anger problems as a kid. I was that kid that the bully pushed too far. However, I managed to scare myself out of that attitude, a little thanks to martial arts, and a little realising how...
I had anger problems as a kid.
I was that kid that the bully pushed too far.
However, I managed to scare myself out of that attitude, a little thanks to martial arts, and a little realising how easy it was to hurt someone.
Meditation, and always taking an indecent amount of time to think before responding helps. (People can't make you respond. So take your time.)
There are very few things you need to respond to immediately. You can take five minutes.
Some things still piss me off. Being called a liar, repeatedly. Threatening my family. Both of those will have me raising my voice, an experience that terrifies most who know me, because few things will do much beyond me saying, "You're beginning to irritate me."
It takes will - and you still need an outlet every now and then. Books, sports and games that make you feel things. Or you find yourself yelling at someone for turning on a blinker late.
The human experience still needs passion, good with the bad (obviously I disagree with Taoism in parts). But you can pick your times, and direct it for the better.
Someone I know said I'm "so laid back I'm horizontal" so I'm a fairly relaxed person, but I'm not so sure it's always positive. People often think I don't care about anything because I don't get...
Someone I know said I'm "so laid back I'm horizontal" so I'm a fairly relaxed person, but I'm not so sure it's always positive. People often think I don't care about anything because I don't get worked up. Like those above, I've been called emotionless and a robot. Also antisocial, 'cause in a group I'll let everyone else do the talking. I just find other people's opinions more interesting than my own. I've forgotten where I was going with this so I'll move on.
I haven't done anything to cultivate this, it's just how I always remember being. I think it may be because I just accept whatever happens and I don't hold grudges. It's still important to remember what happened though. If I talk about something private and a person shares it, there's no point getting angry at them because it's already out there. Instead I just dial back on what I tell them.
Writing that makes me realise I blame most things on myself. I see accidents as being my fault for trusting someone. Definitely not a healthy attitude.
Part of the dudes super chill attitude is probably the weed he smokes. I was travelling with a relative stranger for a few months and watching him go from smoking every day to nothing then back,...
Part of the dudes super chill attitude is probably the weed he smokes. I was travelling with a relative stranger for a few months and watching him go from smoking every day to nothing then back, you could really see how his personality changed - from chilled out the dude to a more normal level of irritability.
I would consider myself much more unflappable than at previous times in my life and for me it's come from a gross increase in the amount of understanding I have. When you zoom out to view the...
I would consider myself much more unflappable than at previous times in my life and for me it's come from a gross increase in the amount of understanding I have.
When you zoom out to view the picture more clearly it all seems to make a lot more sense.
That person cutting you off in traffic is just an idiot that doesn't know he's making everyone slower by causing a line of braking people. Or even more to the core of who he is, he was raised to think he was more important than other people and therefore deserves to get there faster because he's important.
When you get down to the metaphysical level and consider that everyone is just a reaction to their life experiences you don't get mad, but instead I feel a great sadness for people that are so unaware. Some great minds even debate if we shouldn't punish people for crimes because they literally are not responsible for their upbringings and choices that resulted in them committing the crimes. I look at it like the old adage of intelligence is knowing things, wisdom is knowing how little you know. Once you can realize that other people don't know that they're actually slowing other people down and aren't seeing that they only get there 1 second faster than the person just driving normally you start to understand people and feel more sad that they don't realize they could be better, and not really have the same response to things. I feel the more I learn about anything, politics, people, driving, emotions, society, the less I get flustered by someone failing to operate in that sphere effectively.
I act super chill, but deal with anger and grudges internally - occasionally minor things flip my switches and manifest into ugliness when I find myself unable to express my anger. This leads to a...
I act super chill, but deal with anger and grudges internally - occasionally minor things flip my switches and manifest into ugliness when I find myself unable to express my anger. This leads to a ton of depression, and self-resentment for not being confrontational enough. Basically I never stand up for myself. shrug one could perceive me as stoic because I never "get mad" but they'd be dead wrong if they perceived my innards.
Hello me, its you.
I have suspected for some time that I have aphantasia. I know where everything is, in my house, but I don't visualize it when someone tells me to think of home. When someone tells me to imagine a beach, I imagine it in the abstract - I know there's sand, water, fish, birds, probably people, coastline, etc. but I don't actually "see" a picture of it. I'm just thinking of what a beach consists of.
In regards to feelings, I've been accused of being a robot by more than one significant other, and I've been told by many that I'm very difficult to read (a good poker face). I get reminded at work to smile, in order to show people that I'm friendly. I do experience emotions, but I often wonder if my emotions are blunted as compared to others (with the exception of sadness; I struggled with depression as a child) - I can't even understand how anger can cause someone to commit a violent act like throwing an object. Along the same vein, I know I still experience intense emotions because I've had intense sadness at points in my life.
I too, forgive easily and don't hold grudges. Well, I did hold grudges in my childhood, but I quickly found out that this does no good for anyone - it just makes me upset and doesn't give the other person a chance to move on or grow up. I'm always focused on a fix for problems (what can I do, what can I learn, or what can I teach?), even when the problems greatly upset my life I quickly gain control of my emotions and look for a solution.
Ha, I like this analogy. Although my current life circumstances have it a bit less peaceful and content than I'd like, this is usually an apt comparison.
I wonder if aphantasia is all, as one of the commenters said, on a bit of a continuum. I would say that the vast majority of my thoughts on a daily basis are just a voice in my head, though it does allow some range of intonation. I can visualize, but it's hard for me, and generally only works well when rehearsed many times. I have visual dreams, but I remember them only rarely, and even then forget almost everything within the first hour of being awake. My memory of my own life is serviceable, but people around me often remember it better.
I have definitely experienced what I would call anger before, but only very rarely do I feel that frustrating crosses the line into true anger.
Thanks for sharing that article.
The Dude from the Big Lebowski is pretty highly strung most of the time. He presents himself as chill because that's his understanding of himself, but if you were to look at how he handles the conflicts in the movie you might see a person who struggles most at dealing with conflict.
I'm usually pretty able to talk to people from a wide variety of backgrounds because (1) I'm genuinely interested in what they have to say and (2) I'm not going to jump down their throat for answering my questions honestly. Good listening often requires trying to push your ego down and letting someone else keep the floor to explain their particular view. Maybe there will come a point in the conversation that they are interested in listening to you. Maybe not. I see that as mostly their call to make. If they respect me enough to wonder what I think, I'd happily share. If not, I can leave when they've said the bit I was interested in without much concern.
It may seem odd, but the best way I've found to maintain a sense of unflappability is to find out of what I care most about. I will generally avoid bringing those issues up unless someone really wants me to present my view, and even then I'll have to add all the caveats about how important the topic is to me before ever launching into my view. I think if I set the expectations for the conversation, it's easier for people to know what I'm likely to be unable to handle. Most people don't want to make other people upset if they can help it, so I am giving them tools in a sense to avoid pressing my buttons.
The majority of people find the majority of things people talk about to be uninteresting. That's why there's a cultural idea of "hating" small-talk.
As a native Californian my life experience has been welcoming people here and teaching them about our famous laid-back attitude. My favorite example is my friend who had his own Institute at Stanford. He was originally from the Balkans and is the most intense, combative, confrontational person I’ve ever met.
He made me his inspiration to change. I would take him on hikes and we would go out dancing and he would be shocked by my general lack of ambition. Now he is in Hawaii running a program there. His quest to learn peace and meaning drives him west, farther and farther each time.
#1 best method for developing what you're describing is meditation. There's a form that fits anyone's lifestyle, but the end result is always mindfulness. No need to accept ancient traditions, many forms are brand new but accomplish the same.
Mindfulness includes both appreciating the mundane beauty around you, but also being aware of how certain events in life affect your mood. Unlike stoicism, the point isn't to suppress emotion/stress, but to fully realize what's causing it, and how to handle it best in that situation.
This is what I'm practicing now to get a better handle on things. The "thinking about thoughts" aspect of mindfulness is really where I found good help. I don't need to suppress anything, just manage some aspects of my thought loops.
So far, the app\service Headspace has worked well for me but it is practice and I fall off the wagon sometimes. Some insurance carriers will even cover the subscription costs for some of the guided meditation apps.
I disagree. You can absolutely acknowledge that there's some fucked up shit going on in the world while still not getting riled up by it. Perhaps its accepting that the world is a fucked up place, perhaps it's being realistic about what is solvable, how fast progress moves, and just how large of a role one person who's not particularly dedicated can actually contribute (I don't have all day to contribute to saving the environment, as it's not my job). Or perhaps not... to be honest, I'm not sure what makes me "unflappable" and other's more easily disturbed.
It sounds like you might find Mindfulness useful. As I understand it through my limited exposure, it's about allowing negative thoughts and anxieties come into your mind and pass through. It's about focusing on the here and now and accepting thoughts and feelings as they emerge, without the need to act upon them. It's often applied in depression treatment, but anyone can make use of it.
I'm naturally a "worryer", but over the last decade have been able to cultivate a more unflappable attitude. To be completely honest, it's a constant balance. I'll never be completely carefree, but i have built certain mechanisms into my life that cause me to reflect and usually work to help me regain my composure.
Buddhist and stoic texts are a good read - have you tried more eastern texts like the Tao Te Ching and the Bhagavad Gita? Eastern philosophy really contrasts with western philosophy in the individualism vs collectivism aspects. Whenever I am feeling stressed, I'll pull out the Tao and read a few chapters, and it forces me back into this collectivist mindset which tells you to see your place in the world. I find that my ego is often the issue when I feel stressed, and forcing myself to think about my place in the world helps me calm myself and appreciate what I have.
Living in the moment is hard, and people's mindfulness advice is probably good, but I've never really been able to meditate like others have suggested. Sometimes to force myself to clear my mind, I will take a bike ride or a walk through wilderness and try to observe everything, reminding myself how amazing everything is. I've read studies that greenery also promotes happiness, so you might get a double benefit for a hike in a park.
=) all the best!
I'd also consider the possibility that it simply might not be for you. I've thought about this as well some time ago and found I just don't have the patience for it, and forcing myself to be that kind of person felt... kind of degrading honestly. Maybe I'll never be like the chill california bros around me but I think I'm ok with that
I had anger problems as a kid.
I was that kid that the bully pushed too far.
However, I managed to scare myself out of that attitude, a little thanks to martial arts, and a little realising how easy it was to hurt someone.
Meditation, and always taking an indecent amount of time to think before responding helps. (People can't make you respond. So take your time.)
There are very few things you need to respond to immediately. You can take five minutes.
Some things still piss me off. Being called a liar, repeatedly. Threatening my family. Both of those will have me raising my voice, an experience that terrifies most who know me, because few things will do much beyond me saying, "You're beginning to irritate me."
It takes will - and you still need an outlet every now and then. Books, sports and games that make you feel things. Or you find yourself yelling at someone for turning on a blinker late.
The human experience still needs passion, good with the bad (obviously I disagree with Taoism in parts). But you can pick your times, and direct it for the better.
Someone I know said I'm "so laid back I'm horizontal" so I'm a fairly relaxed person, but I'm not so sure it's always positive. People often think I don't care about anything because I don't get worked up. Like those above, I've been called emotionless and a robot. Also antisocial, 'cause in a group I'll let everyone else do the talking. I just find other people's opinions more interesting than my own. I've forgotten where I was going with this so I'll move on.
I haven't done anything to cultivate this, it's just how I always remember being. I think it may be because I just accept whatever happens and I don't hold grudges. It's still important to remember what happened though. If I talk about something private and a person shares it, there's no point getting angry at them because it's already out there. Instead I just dial back on what I tell them.
Writing that makes me realise I blame most things on myself. I see accidents as being my fault for trusting someone. Definitely not a healthy attitude.
Part of the dudes super chill attitude is probably the weed he smokes. I was travelling with a relative stranger for a few months and watching him go from smoking every day to nothing then back, you could really see how his personality changed - from chilled out the dude to a more normal level of irritability.
I would consider myself much more unflappable than at previous times in my life and for me it's come from a gross increase in the amount of understanding I have.
When you zoom out to view the picture more clearly it all seems to make a lot more sense.
That person cutting you off in traffic is just an idiot that doesn't know he's making everyone slower by causing a line of braking people. Or even more to the core of who he is, he was raised to think he was more important than other people and therefore deserves to get there faster because he's important.
When you get down to the metaphysical level and consider that everyone is just a reaction to their life experiences you don't get mad, but instead I feel a great sadness for people that are so unaware. Some great minds even debate if we shouldn't punish people for crimes because they literally are not responsible for their upbringings and choices that resulted in them committing the crimes. I look at it like the old adage of intelligence is knowing things, wisdom is knowing how little you know. Once you can realize that other people don't know that they're actually slowing other people down and aren't seeing that they only get there 1 second faster than the person just driving normally you start to understand people and feel more sad that they don't realize they could be better, and not really have the same response to things. I feel the more I learn about anything, politics, people, driving, emotions, society, the less I get flustered by someone failing to operate in that sphere effectively.
I act super chill, but deal with anger and grudges internally - occasionally minor things flip my switches and manifest into ugliness when I find myself unable to express my anger. This leads to a ton of depression, and self-resentment for not being confrontational enough. Basically I never stand up for myself. shrug one could perceive me as stoic because I never "get mad" but they'd be dead wrong if they perceived my innards.