Cleb's recent activity

  1. Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games

    Cleb
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    Selections from the last couple of times I've spent an afternoon or so looking through itch.io: Last Train Home - 5 to 10 minute horror experience. Simple, though the climax was notable to me...

    Selections from the last couple of times I've spent an afternoon or so looking through itch.io:

    Last Train Home - 5 to 10 minute horror experience. Simple, though the climax was notable to me since I'm a sucker for the kind-of-cliche presentation it had. Decently strong arachnophobia warning for anyone who might be interested in this, though.

    Text and Drive - I may have posted this here before? It's by the same dude who made 2:22 AM, which I've almost certainly posted here on tildes sometime before. Played this again and concept is so spot-on, even if the execution and experience playing it in janky unity web browser mode is.... less than desirable. Still not sure what to make of the final section, though, thematically at least.

    Extra Ordinary - Reminiscent of PS2 Scooby-Doo games rather than NES/SNES horror games, but that might be because I grew up with one instead of either of those. I didn't like it very much but there's probably a few people here who'd get a nice smile on their face from playing this.

    Intercontinental - Also by the same person who did Text and Drive & 2:22 AM. Kind of lovely, in a hopelessly doomed way. Makes me wonder what kind of messages I would send out to everyone I know, should I be facing an imminent death.

  2. Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games

    Cleb
    Link Parent
    I'm not any of the previous people who commented, but I hope you really enjoy Celeste. First time I played it, I played up through all A-sides and part of the B-sides before I moved on to other...

    I'm not any of the previous people who commented, but I hope you really enjoy Celeste. First time I played it, I played up through all A-sides and part of the B-sides before I moved on to other things.

    I eventually got the platformer itch back, returned to it and 100%'d (in achievement form, not true 100% everything) it and it was a very very very rewarding experience. I love that game, I hope you love it as well whether you pursue all the extra post-game stuff or not. :)

    3 votes
  3. Comment on What's something you have always wanted to know about being LGBT (but were maybe afraid to ask)? in ~talk

    Cleb
    Link Parent
    Love it. Don't use them myself but love seeing people trying to buck the constraints of binary gender by carving their own path. I use them for whoever prefers them, but mirroring Gaywallet's...

    Love it. Don't use them myself but love seeing people trying to buck the constraints of binary gender by carving their own path. I use them for whoever prefers them, but mirroring Gaywallet's experience, I've never met someone who also doesn't have a they/them or other traditional pronoun that they're also fine with people using.

    Does it make a difference? I think it does. Lots of people love to throw the concept of it under the bus of "oh it's just a fashion statement" or "oh it's just a zany snowflake label", but I like how it's a relatively quick filter you can inquire someone about. I know other queer people who don't like neo-pronouns and still default to they/them or whatever secondary preference the person has, but I rarely run into someone who has a strong hate for them that isn't also queerphobic in some other ways. YMMV of course, my experience.

    Will they stand the test of time? I'm not an expert enough to say so. I hope they do, but I would not be surprised if they don't.

    6 votes
  4. Comment on What's something you have always wanted to know about being LGBT (but were maybe afraid to ask)? in ~talk

    Cleb
    Link Parent
    Thank you, I let the self-hate bleed out a bit too much in that reply and that was a bit of a mistake. I'm constantly working on loving myself more and being a better person and I know that it...

    Thank you, I let the self-hate bleed out a bit too much in that reply and that was a bit of a mistake. I'm constantly working on loving myself more and being a better person and I know that it will all be okay in the end. <3

    4 votes
  5. Comment on Tildes' Valentine's Day Game Giveaway: Gaming Blind Dates! in ~games

    Cleb
    (edited )
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    I'll go ahead and sign up as a gift receiver. Was going to give one as well, but I'm running short on time and there seems to be a saturation of givers in comparison to receivers. Edit: I picked...

    I'll go ahead and sign up as a gift receiver. Was going to give one as well, but I'm running short on time and there seems to be a saturation of givers in comparison to receivers.

    Edit: I picked #13 and got Assault Android Cactus!

    3 votes
  6. Comment on What's something you have always wanted to know about being LGBT (but were maybe afraid to ask)? in ~talk

    Cleb
    Link Parent
    I connected with my non-queer friends and all, but I never had anyone I could really talk to about things about sexuality or gender or mental health or stuff like that. None of those friendships...

    How did you feel in relation to your non-LGBT peers? Did you feel significantly different because of your sexual orientation or gender?

    I connected with my non-queer friends and all, but I never had anyone I could really talk to about things about sexuality or gender or mental health or stuff like that. None of those friendships were ever anything beyond surface level and I don't talk to anyone from high school anymore. There were a few people who were out about being trans or gay in high school, but they were often on the receiving end of notable amounts of harassment. That scared me deeply, added onto the fact that I knew my parents and other family wouldn't even begin to try and understand being anything other than cishet. So I was one of the cowards who stayed in the closet and unconsciously built a wall around myself.

    How does your sexual orientation or gender affect your daily activities that you feel is different from cis-/hetero folks don't experience?

    I don't talk to people in real life much, and the express reason for that is that I don't really want to build up any relationships of friendship with people when the odds are massively stacked in favor that they'll drop me, or potentially be malicious and out me to people I'd rather not have know about my identity. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a rude person. I can make casual conversation and I'm not a total bumbling idiot when I open my mouth, but people often describe me as "quiet" or "shy", which I'm indifferent to hearing. I just don't really see much of a reason to try and connect with people here when the majority of them are likely to slot me into the "freak" category in their head and stop talking to me. I don't think cishets really have to be afraid of that, at least from an identity perspective. In the future where I'm no longer in deeply conservative rural backwoods America, I hope I won't have to be so isolationist to feel safe.

    6 votes
  7. Comment on What's something you have always wanted to know about being LGBT (but were maybe afraid to ask)? in ~talk

    Cleb
    Link Parent
    In my experience growing up where I did in America at least, being a man who shows interest in another man is something that generally attracts more outright hostility than for women. There's a...

    In my experience growing up where I did in America at least, being a man who shows interest in another man is something that generally attracts more outright hostility than for women. There's a lot of internalized homophobia and toxic masculinity that gets hammered into your brain as a child and teen. Church sermons, passive "jokes" that your friends learned from their parents or somewhere else that are just "haha you did (thing), you're gay", derision at men who do things seen as a "gay thing" ie: having a lisp, walking with a different gait, liking traditionally feminine things like perfume or nailcare, growing your hair past a certain length. Men here are also very much not affectionate or compliment-friendly, it is often seen as a weird thing to tell your other guy friend that you like the stuff he's wearing today or you think his hair looks nice or you ask if you can have a hug. This all ends up playing into a development of a fear of expressing any kind of positive feeling for fellow men in a way that could be perceived as romantic or sexual attraction. I'd imagine that a lot of guys who believe themselves to be completely straight have a degree of internalized homophobia from experiences growing up and they carry that into adulthood. Hell, I still catch myself hesitating and having gross feelings bubble up when I read a question like "do you believe gay people should be able to be married?" and I've been out as queer to my friends on the internet for several years at this point. This stuff runs deep.

    Can't comment on the reverse side, as I didn't grow up in the girls' spaces. Just noticed more outright bullying and public hostility towards gay and bi men compared to a more passive and objectifying (although still disgusting and abhorrent) treatment of gay and bi women. Like getting beaten up or having a slur sprayed on your locker vs getting catcalled and "Hey baby, I can make you turn straight again." verbal harassment.

    My personal experience, growing up as someone seen as a guy in a conservative + religious area of America. There are probably others here who can phrase things I said here in a better way and go even deeper with it.

    14 votes
  8. Comment on What are your thoughts on how romance is handled in gaming? in ~games

    Cleb
    Link Parent
    I spent a good portion of today wracking my brain to think of an answer, but The Sims is also the only thing I could come up with. One of the only other things I could come up with was Life Is...

    I spent a good portion of today wracking my brain to think of an answer, but The Sims is also the only thing I could come up with. One of the only other things I could come up with was Life Is Strange, and that feels like a wonky answer since it also largely falls into the "walking simulator" area of derision that gets similar flak about whether or not they're games. It also largely just relies on a couple of dialogue answers for whether the romance even occurs, and when it does it's not something that happens with a very blatant presence either. No blatant "hey we're dating now"-type of reaction. Guess my love for that also lies in the character dynamic and the way it's written.

    I did probably overspeak about disliking the gameification, you are absolutely right in the first part of your reply. I've definitely enjoyed gameified romance systems before, even if I'm having trouble calling them to mind now. It does feel a bit silly that I'm saying things like this when the core game experience of romance in many instances is essentially invisible bar filling and dialogue checks.

    1 vote
  9. Comment on What's something you have always wanted to know about being LGBT (but were maybe afraid to ask)? in ~talk

    Cleb
    Link Parent
    Personally, my own ideal for the initialism is to do away with it and introduce another word entirely. I love "queer" but there are many people who are uncomfortable with that label so there's no...

    Personally, my own ideal for the initialism is to do away with it and introduce another word entirely. I love "queer" but there are many people who are uncomfortable with that label so there's no way that it'd feasibly become the most universal term. kfwyre's response about the term "rainbow" is a very good one as well, though I don't think "rainbow" would be my first personal pick, and I have to do some long thinking to come up with my own alternative. Don't get me wrong, I love the rainbow flag and all, but like they said in their post, I don't really feel that same hit of satisfaction from saying "I'm rainbow" vs "I'm queer".

    If we have to stick with an initialism, by far my preferences are for one of the following: LGBTIQ+, LGBTQ+, or LGBT+. It personally feels very important to me to incorporate the + into the initialism because while it can be taken as a sort of "othering" of identities that don't have a lettered spot, I also believe it's important to be recognizable and not overly long. There is a degree of lovely feeling to how upfront the LGBTQQIAAP+ length ones are, but they're also a mouthful and I know very few people who ever go through and type out or enunciate the entire thing. Most often I get "LGBTQ", "LGBT", "queer", or "LGBTQ+" in real conversation. I also would strongly prefer one of the first two I mentioned in this paragraph, but I would settle for LGBT+ if it was something that satisfied most of the other members of the community.

    5 votes
  10. Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games

    Cleb
    Link
    Some of my friends and I have been spending a lot of time in the last couple of weeks playing Team Fortress 2 again. First time I've picked this game back up since about 2012 or 2013, and it's...

    Some of my friends and I have been spending a lot of time in the last couple of weeks playing Team Fortress 2 again. First time I've picked this game back up since about 2012 or 2013, and it's still shockingly just as fun as I remembered it being. I loved this when I was a tween/early teen and I still get the same rush that I did then when I get a slick backstab as Spy or a Medic pops a kritzkrieg Uber on me when I'm playing soldier and I wipe 3-5 people trying to push the capture point. There's been some weapons added since that I've been having to learn what they do, but honestly they seem to be largely inferior to most of the weapons that were already in the game and I run into many people running different kinds of stock weapons more than anything, aside from your classics like Demoknight getups and market gardener Soldiers.

    The TF2 Economy tanked at some point and discovering that was a bizarre feeling. backpack.tf now lists the refined metal price as 4 cents, compared to my memory placing it at at least a dollar or two way back when. Buds now cost ~3 keys instead of the 15-20 that they routinely went for before. Just a weird experience, but it makes sense considering all the money in skins is now in games like CSGO.

    5 votes
  11. Comment on What's something you have always wanted to know about being LGBT (but were maybe afraid to ask)? in ~talk

    Cleb
    (edited )
    Link Parent
    Neutral feelings or uncomfortableness if it's too far. I feel the same for queer couples too, I think PDA in general is cool, holding hands and kissing and whatnot but if you're getting like.......

    What do you feel when you see a straight couple being overtly sexual in public?

    Neutral feelings or uncomfortableness if it's too far. I feel the same for queer couples too, I think PDA in general is cool, holding hands and kissing and whatnot but if you're getting like.... really grindy or something and you're in a mall and not in a nightclub or something, that's not really something I'm a fan of.

    Do you feel offended when someone assumes you are straight?

    Not offended, but I kinda feel weird about the default assumption for me being that I'm a guy/masculine person who likes girls exclusively. I guess that's on me though because I don't really do a lot of outward presentation in the way of looking feminine or gender neutral, but that's more for my own safety than an actual expression choice.

    Is it important for you that everyone knows you're LGBT right away?

    I like to be out to people when possible, right away or not depends on the circumstance. On the internet, I'm far more likely to come out with my gender and sexual identity because it offers a lot more freedom in picking and choosing the people you hang around. I also don't offer much info about my irl life so doxxing isn't a very large worry for me.

    Would you like to play more videogames with LGBT main characters? (and the equivalent for other media)

    Yeah. I would love more media to have rep for all kinds of queer people.

    6 votes
  12. Comment on What's something you have always wanted to know about being LGBT (but were maybe afraid to ask)? in ~talk

    Cleb
    Link Parent
    I grew up in a conservative, Christian family and I stopped going to church sometime around 10 or 11 years old. The kind of church we always went to as a kid was very hellfire & brimstone type...

    I grew up in a conservative, Christian family and I stopped going to church sometime around 10 or 11 years old. The kind of church we always went to as a kid was very hellfire & brimstone type sermon, bone-chilling things to hear as a young kid, it pushes its way into your mind and to this day I have a lot of trouble shaking thoughts about how my being queer is "degenerate" or "going to get me a ticket straight to hell". I quit going because it was not something that I felt like I was gaining anything from, and in real life I have a repulsion to entering Christian churches specifically now because they bring up these awful memories and feelings of confusion + some internalized homophobia that claws its way to the surface every now and then. I'm aware of friends I have on the internet who have found Christian spaces that accept queerness to varying degrees, but I've never managed to find any of these places in my life. As for what I believe now, I align with a more agnostic view now.

    14 votes
  13. Comment on What are your thoughts on how romance is handled in gaming? in ~games

    Cleb
    Link Parent
    Both Kawata Shoujo and eden*'s strengths for me lie in their writing, although with how Katawa Shoujo has multiple writers for its different routes, it achieves varying results. KS to me contains...

    Both Kawata Shoujo and eden*'s strengths for me lie in their writing, although with how Katawa Shoujo has multiple writers for its different routes, it achieves varying results. KS to me contains a very successful "wish fulfillment" route, a route about struggling with self-expression and what it means to make art or be a successful artist, a route about pushing yourself even if you're at a disadvantage because you should do the things you love, and a couple of other routes that I'm not a very big fan of what they are as a whole. All of them are wrapped up in a romantic package, of course, and all routes have some good parts to me, even if I don't think they tie it together or they veer off in a direction that I can't support. eden* spends its time dwelling on limited time, the people you spend it with, and has dashes of questions like "can I still be a good person despite the terrible things I was indoctrinated/conscripted/essentially forced to do?". It's also got the highest production value of all of the three.

    Highway Blossoms is a little different in that I think it's not the highest quality or the most interesting western lesbian romantic game that I've come across, but it's..... maybe the most soulful and relatable? It lies somewhere in the range of being a higher production than single-creator itch.io visual novels (which are awesome by the way, not knocking them at all), but doesn't really get anywhere close to the value that big name novels get like Steins;Gate or Danganronpa. Deals with themes like cracking yourself out of your cynical isolationist shell.

    3 votes
  14. Comment on What are your thoughts on how romance is handled in gaming? in ~games

    Cleb
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    Most of my favorite handlings of romance in games are things that are pretty focused on it. Things like Katawa Shoujo, Highway Blossoms, eden* are three that pretty much instantly came out of the...

    Most of my favorite handlings of romance in games are things that are pretty focused on it. Things like Katawa Shoujo, Highway Blossoms, eden* are three that pretty much instantly came out of the back of my mind, though I guess these might be a bit contentious with some people as to whether visual novels are even qualified to fit the category of "video game" in general, but for a long time I've been in the camp that includes them.

    One thing that bothers me with romance systems in games is, well, "gameification" of the romance. I can't think of any specific examples at this time but there are definitely some games I've come across where the romance feels like a very hamfisted gift-giving simulator where you're giving gifts to up the romance bar, and that's alright enough as a secondary objective deal or whatever, but a lot of the time it just feels very... empty? Romance in a lot of games is just triggering interactions and hidden flags so you can see specific cutscenes and whatnot, but some of them do a lot better at hiding that feeling.

    Just my two cents after scrolling through my steam library briefly.

    8 votes
  15. Comment on Recruiting for a panel for an LGBT-focused Q&A session on Tildes in ~lgbt

    Cleb
    Link
    Name: Cleb Identity: Genderfluid (Agender & Femme, also fine with just Non-Binary) Preferred Pronouns: They/Them, She/Her Bio: Early 20s, American, white, closeted in real life. Grew up in very...

    Name: Cleb

    Identity: Genderfluid (Agender & Femme, also fine with just Non-Binary)

    Preferred Pronouns: They/Them, She/Her

    Bio: Early 20s, American, white, closeted in real life. Grew up in very conservative & religious area, still live here. Can talk about growing up like that, my struggle with fluidity/internalized transphobia/gender as a whole, things relating to trans culture on the internet, and any of the other standard fare trans and gender-nonconforming person questions.

    7 votes
  16. Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games

    Cleb
    Link
    I recently came back to Getting Over It With Bennett Foddy and I beat it twice in the last couple of days. The reason I came back to it was this video, which contains content on the subject matter...

    I recently came back to Getting Over It With Bennett Foddy and I beat it twice in the last couple of days. The reason I came back to it was this video, which contains content on the subject matter of things like "reject art" and, in a more broad sense linking back to Getting Over It, "digital trash". The video itself contains a segment relating to this game on itch.io, which I played for myself and found it to be an intense and alienating experience that I could only find in the hands of an indie developer who is just making something to express a feeling or an experience. No quotas or profits or deadlines to worry about. Just the experience and what you can make out of it. I loved it.

    Getting Over It struck a chord with me because..... I am someone who grew up in the digital trash. I spent a notable amount of my childhood on the internet. Viewing image boards and forum posts and shitty image macros and having conversations with other lonely nerds on Skype about food and music and the guy who works at the Burger King and fucks up my order every time. I made many of my closest friends in the trash, I still talk to them all the time and I still contribute to the trash on a regular basis because it makes me feel more complete as a person. When I first played this, the way Foddy talked about this trash culture made me think that this game was going to be some kind of vicious takedown of it by the end, but the higher I got, the more welcoming the narration became. The moment that the narration spat out the line:

    Click to expand spoiler."We have the same taste, you and I."
    I felt convinced that Foddy was someone who had either grown up in or grown to love the trash in a way similar to myself. Getting Over It being a homage to Sexy Hiking was in a love letter type way instead of gross slap in the face at the idea of B-tier media. Trash may only beget trash, but that's okay. There is still value in trash. Trash can result in things that high budgets and long production times could never achieve, and vice versa. And there's nothing wrong with that. Being a purveyor of trash doesn't make you a trash person. That's something you'll have to label yourself as, if you want.

    That earlier game, 2:22AM is something else I brought up because I felt like it would fit into the sphere of digital trash. It's a low budget unity game that many people will see and dismiss as "not a game" or "pointless" but it's something that could only exist because of its circumstances. I love digital trash.

    Note: When I say trash in this post, I say it lovingly and for consistency with the way that Foddy in this game refers to it so much as "trash". I am not trashing on forum posts, image boards, or anything I've mentioned here.

    4 votes
  17. Comment on How rigid/fluid is your gender and/or sexuality? in ~lgbt

    Cleb
    (edited )
    Link
    At the moment, I'm kind of fluid. I dunno. Sometimes I feel a very strong sense of rejection at gender as a whole and don't really want to identify as anything at all. Sometimes I feel more...

    How would you describe the rigidity/fluidity of your identity or its different parts?

    At the moment, I'm kind of fluid. I dunno. Sometimes I feel a very strong sense of rejection at gender as a whole and don't really want to identify as anything at all. Sometimes I feel more comfort in femininity. Right now, I think I spend more time in that first category.

    Do you experience short-term changes in your identity?

    Backs & forths with the two in the above question, I guess that qualifies as short-term.

    Have you experienced long-term changes in your identity?

    Only not being cis, I guess. At some point during puberty I started to realize I had this..... underlying rejection of things that I perceive as being masculine. I don't like the idea of being seen as a masculine person. I don't want people to perceive me as a man. I don't dislike the idea of masculinity but for me it's always been something that I wanted to avoid that people around me kept trying to press on me. I got a lot of talks about things like "being a man" and stuff of that nature. Never went well.

    Edit: I forgot to mention that before I got where I am now, I did have a long multi-year stint starting somewhere in my teens where I wholly identified as a woman. It's in the last year or so that I found myself where I am now, with shifting identities.

    Does your identity have any elements that are unchanging long-term?

    I'm still me. I like the things I like. I act the same way (mostly). I treat people the same.

    How does the fluidity/rigidity of your identity affect you? Are there advantages? Disadvantages?

    I feel like I have some kind of internalized transphobia with regards to genderfluidity that I need to do something about. I often find myself wishing that I was either a wholly feminine embracing person or a gender-rejecting person instead of someone who shifts between those different feelings. There shouldn't be anything wrong with that, but I get so frustrated at not knowing whether I'm going to want to, for example, be referred to in she/her or they/them pronouns for some time. I don't even tell my friends when I flop back to wanting to use she/her, even though I should because they won't care, because I'm afraid of being annoying and overly needy or something irrational like that.

    Are you certain in your identity right now, or is it unclear to you at the moment?

    I have no idea. My only certainty is a rejection of masculinity.

    If you are certain, do you think that certainty will persist, or might things change in the future?

    I don't think it's going anywhere anytime remotely soon.

    If you are uncertain, do you think a more definite identity will coalesce for you at some point?

    I want to be wholly comfortable in my identity, whether I'm actually a degree of fluid or not. That's something I've got to figure out and accept if it is part of me. Definite to me would be whether I can confidently say "I'm feminine!" or "I'm agender!" or "Sometimes I'm feminine, sometimes I'm agender!" and not have any itching thoughts in the back of my head about not wanting to be that. I think I'll get there some day.

    7 votes
  18. Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games

    Cleb
    Link Parent
    Just wanted to say that I believe Matt & the other guys behind it are working on something or intend to. At some point they rebranded their tumblr site to be @sorathdev instead of @devildaggers,...

    Just wanted to say that I believe Matt & the other guys behind it are working on something or intend to. At some point they rebranded their tumblr site to be @sorathdev instead of @devildaggers, though the domain for it is still devildaggers.com. I believe someone in a devil daggers discord also talks to Matt sometimes and mentioned that they weren't planning on being a one and done deal. Matt also still keeps up with the leaderboards of the game and removes cheated runs, which is great. No concrete evidence on me, but even if they don't do something under Sorath again, I'd be really surprised and disappointed if Matt didn't go on to do more.

    I love the game by the way, I've been grinding really hard to try and get past the barrier I'm currently at (consistently get to ~300-350 seconds, have trouble clearing the arena for one of the biggest obstacles after that) and what keeps me coming back is that the game is just very mechanically satisfying. With enough ability in movement, aim, and awareness, you can get a very respectable time.

    The disparity in rankings and times is quite incredible in this game, and I just wanted to touch on that if anyone reads this and doesn't know. The best run in the world right now is, I believe, 1114 seconds. Only the top ~260 players have a time of 500 seconds or greater, and I believe somewhere between 20 and 30 of the accounts in there are alts or gimmick accounts (Sojk has an account w/ a 500+ second time using a ps4 controller in there). I have a time of 437 and that puts me at around 494, just inside the top 500 globally. It's a very tough but very rewarding timesink, to me at least.

    2 votes
  19. Comment on This week's album and EP releases in ~music

    Cleb
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    Just wanted to mention my thoughts on black midi's release, since I've been keeping up with them for a couple months now. I like it, but I think that they're a lot better off when they're...

    Just wanted to mention my thoughts on black midi's release, since I've been keeping up with them for a couple months now. I like it, but I think that they're a lot better off when they're indulging in stuff live no wave and post-punk rhythms rather than flexing uncommon time signatures and other math rock tendencies. If you've listened to their singles, particularly bmbmbm and speedway, or the KEXP session they had and enjoyed them, you'll probably like the album a fair bit. It's really nice hearing cleaner renditions of the kexp tracks.

    3 votes
  20. Comment on What's your aesthetic? in ~talk