cadeje's recent activity
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Comment on What is it like to have both ADHD and autism? in ~health.mental
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Comment on What is it like to have both ADHD and autism? in ~health.mental
cadeje (edited )LinkDisclaimer: I have no official diagnoses. I do have doctors, therapists, family, and friends who agree that I likely am ADHD and Autistic. I have also researched the subject to death. I am almost...Disclaimer: I have no official diagnoses. I do have doctors, therapists, family, and friends who agree that I likely am ADHD and Autistic. I have also researched the subject to death. I am almost entirely certain I am AuDHD. At the moment I can't afford a diagnosis, though.
To me, having both means having a variety of brain-weirdness that often conflicts with eachother. It's very frustrating. Since they're often considered to be a bit of a spectrum with each other, it's often difficult to figure out where the ADHD ends and the Autism begins. Or even if that's a thing.
Random, unordered set of things I deal with that I believe are related to my neurodivergence:
- My interests change rapidly, though I still have a "special interest" that has been with me for my entire life.
- I can't remember anything I don't have an interest in. Examples: names, pop culture, the location of all my pens.
- My brain will not shut up, no matter how much I plead for it to. I find it's hard to be present with people since it keeps going down random paths that I can't control.
- I self medicate with caffeine, which does seem to work, although it doesn't seem super sustainable.
- I get overstimulated easily. I have had meltdowns in the grocery store.
- I can't transition to different tasks without a decent cool-down period.
- I get severely upset when a plan I've made falls through. Example: I once went and got an iced coffee, and then told myself I will enjoy it once I clean up my work area. I accidentally knocked the cup off the table as I was cleaning, and got so incoherently upset that my partner went and got me a new one.
- Waiting mode is a thing. If I have an appointment at 3pm, I am watching the clock every other minute. I think this is because I have no sense of time, and so I'm scared that if I stop thinking about the appointment it will disappear from my brain and I'll miss it.
Here are some nicer traits I enjoy:
- I can focus on things I'm interested in for an incredible amount of time. I can enter "flow" very easily (though being pulled away from the task makes me very angry)
- I am the ultimate brainstormer. I can think of every possibility to an issue in record time.
- My brain is super malleable and squishy. While I do get stubborn on certain processes, I can puzzle solve like a motherfucker. I'll actually get impatient with a lot of people when I can see the problem immediately and they can't. I hide it best I can though, haha.
- I can pick up new skills and become good at them so dang fast.
- Being different for my whole life has allowed me to approach other people who are different with greater empathy.
- Being AuDHD often feels like being a foreigner wherever you go. I personally enjoy and embrace this, and it leads to better interpersonal relationships because people don't have the same societal-box expectations for me. Wherever I go, people always can tell I'm from somewhere else. I like it.
What are your struggles and how do you deal with them?
As the saying goes, "if you've met one <neurodivergent> person, you've met one <neurodivergent> person". The things that work for me will almost certainly not work perfectly for anyone else. But, here are some things I do to manage my issues:
- Noise-cancelling headphones are the greatest thing to deal with sensory issues. My sensory overload stuff is almost entirely sound based. Whenever I go to a grocery store and feel like it'll be too much, I put these things on and now everything is fine.
- Tweaking my environment. So much can be fixed if your personal space is tweaked to meet your needs. Have related items close to eachother. Take off the doors to cupboards if you can. Try to declutter, and recognize when you clutter something without noticing, and make steps to improve the process (like adding a small trashcan closer to the area).
- Make lists about everything all the time always. It doesn't matter if you forgot about your first list, make another one. Make a smaller one. Use sticky notes. If I didn't write things I needed to do down or use sticky notes, I'd forget about so many important tasks. If there's a to-do app you can stick to, that works too.
- Use and abuse timers. Something that helps with waiting mode is setting timers, so I can breathe and trust in my device to tell me when I should start worrying.
Most of all, the best advice I can give is this:
- Self-acceptance
I mean, you don't have to like it. I don't like a lot of things about myself that I have to deal with. But it is what it is. I spent too much time and so much energy berating myself for things I didn't actually have control over. Do you know how embarrassing it is to cry and freak out over tiny things? Or to come home from the grocery store and sit on the floor of the kitchen, unable to speak out loud to your partner about what's going on? It made me feel like a child. It made me feel so small and stupid and all the things people tell you you are when you did those same things as a kid. The best thing I did for myself was to accept it. To recognize that this will happen, and it will happen again, and no amount of self-flagellation is going to make it better. To just say to yourself "well that sucked" and then move on.
Ultimately, I feel fine about myself and my brain. I am me. I don't know how to be anyone else, and I'd prefer to not be anyone else.
Sorry or you're welcome for the word vomit. Also, good luck on your journey. For the record, when I first started researching this, I thought that there was no way I was autistic or ADHD. And I dealt with impostor syndrome. I mean, I didn't struggle as much as I thought you're supposed to. It's pretty obvious to me now that I just couldn't see all the multitudes of struggles I did have. I assumed everyone else struggled with these things too, I was just uniquely bad at dealing with them.
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Comment on Hilary Cass: Weak evidence letting down children over gender care in ~lgbt
cadeje Link ParentI see. I think when I first read the post, I made the false assumption that it was implicitly agreed with. The problem I foresee with treating a medical pathway as a last resort is that it will...I see. I think when I first read the post, I made the false assumption that it was implicitly agreed with.
The problem I foresee with treating a medical pathway as a last resort is that it will undoubtedly lead to under-diagnosis. As a trans person, I myself attributed my gender dysphoria to all factors other than the fact that... I had gender dysphoria. It took another decade to actually seek help for this reason. Undoubtedly, a "professional" would jump to the same conclusion as I did. Many trans people have depression, anxiety, or are neurodivergent, and these factors often lead to the dysphoria part not being taken as seriously as it should. There is a reason why many trans people exaggerate their actual feelings on their gender dysphoria, and it's because medical gatekeeping is widely known and is already a problem.
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Comment on Hilary Cass: Weak evidence letting down children over gender care in ~lgbt
cadeje (edited )Link ParentYou yourself recognized that the last thread of this was "overwhelmingly negative about the NHS stopping prescribing Puberty Blockers". So, this post does feel like continuing a painful discussion...You yourself recognized that the last thread of this was "overwhelmingly negative about the NHS stopping prescribing Puberty Blockers". So, this post does feel like continuing a painful discussion that has already been had. If I were less charitable here on tildes, I would make the assumption that that was the intent. If that was not the intent, I would suggest you be more mindful in the future about what you choose to share in the tag, especially considering that you seem to also be a strong defender of a stance that many LGBTQ+ are negatively affected by.
EDIT: I want to make clear that my intention is not to be aggressive or judgemental towards you. Tone is hard for me.
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Comment on Hilary Cass: Weak evidence letting down children over gender care in ~lgbt
cadeje Link ParentI'm not a debatey person, and will probably not continue with this discussion as it's highly distressing to me, but I really want to hear you expand on this specific point.For most young people, a medical pathway will not be the best way to manage their gender-related distress. For those young people for whom a medical pathway is clinically indicated, it is not enough to provide this without also addressing wider mental health and/or psychosocially challenging problems.
I'm not a debatey person, and will probably not continue with this discussion as it's highly distressing to me, but I really want to hear you expand on this specific point.
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Comment on Researcher calls out misuse of research in book on American white rural rage - suggests resentment over rage in ~misc
cadeje Link ParentAin't that always the way. I think every place has that one region (or several) that you can look at and mock and feel superior towards. The stereotypes might not be exactly the same, but they...Ain't that always the way. I think every place has that one region (or several) that you can look at and mock and feel superior towards. The stereotypes might not be exactly the same, but they certainly rhyme.
A lot of what I'm seeing now is richer folk moving in because living is cheap. Prices are rising even more, and no one can afford it. Cash advances are on every corner. And these are the same people who mock the local culture relentlessly. The whole thing is... it leaves a sour taste. I wonder how much of the local culture will even be left years down the line.
This is sort of why, while I'm not necessarily for the U.S. electoral college, I understand why many want it. Land shouldn't vote, sure, but when the majority of the population is in the city and pass laws, will they think about how it might affect rural folk? When the people who decide the election are only city folk, will politicians even campaign here?
I'm hopeful that more lines of communication between these people will open up. I hope for a culture of stronger empathy and solidarity. And I hope people stop making fun of accents for once (it's not funny y'all).
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Comment on Researcher calls out misuse of research in book on American white rural rage - suggests resentment over rage in ~misc
cadeje Link ParentI have not, but now I have it added to my reading list. This looks like the kind of thing I'd love to look more into. Thanks! For the record, I'm not originally from here. I came from a place that...I have not, but now I have it added to my reading list. This looks like the kind of thing I'd love to look more into. Thanks!
For the record, I'm not originally from here. I came from a place that looks down on places like this, so when I moved, it was a bit of a culture shock. The area is complicated, but I've developed a love for the nature and many of the people. It's really the most misunderstood region in America by far (in my opinion).
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Comment on Researcher calls out misuse of research in book on American white rural rage - suggests resentment over rage in ~misc
cadeje Link(It's hard for me to post things because I always feel like I'm not explaining things well enough, and open myself up to hostility. So this is very hard to write. Please be kind.) Just yesterday I...- Exemplary
(It's hard for me to post things because I always feel like I'm not explaining things well enough, and open myself up to hostility. So this is very hard to write. Please be kind.)
Just yesterday I watched a documentary called Hillbilly, which focuses on the struggles of Appalachia, with a focus on media representation. I currently live in Appalachia. It gives you a certain perspective on the feelings and struggles of people who have voted for Trump, who are generally "Republican". And I put that in quotes because if you get down to it, if you talk to people from around here, most have a strong foundational sense on class division. The Republican party has done an excellent job love-bombing these people and then exploiting them. The Democratic party has done an excellent job deriding these people, furthering stereotypes that they live and die by.
If you talk to people from around here, you start understanding that they constantly fight against shame. People from outside this area swing back and forth between pity and hate for the region. The dominant story is of poor and simple folk. My friends around here try so hard to hide their accents, because the moment they talk to anyone outside the region, they're met with condescension. Maybe, if you work hard and do well in school, you can get out. Parents and teachers will tell this to kids. This place is drowning in shame.
So when someone like Trump or a right-wing talking head goes on about how these people are actually great, how they built America, how they've been stomped on by everyone else, they are speaking to the self-loathing that a lot of them have. They are telling them things that people rarely tell them, especially not themselves.
The region has such a rich and important history. The coal miner unions are responsible for many of the labor rights we enjoy today, and they went to war for them. And yet, the mountains have been carved out by coal companies, whose riches have never went to the people who worked and died for them. Towns have been decimated by floods, waters have been poisoned... It makes sense why people here are distrustful of a government that has largely ignored them. It is not hard to see why these people largely voted "against their best interests".
I don't really know how to wrap up my thoughts here. But, personally, I've long been tired of the way Appalachia is talked about. I just wish people's reaction to red states be more nuanced. Instead of labeling everyone from around here as "undesirables", I wish people took the time to listen, and empathize. Just a little. People are people. I don't think writing off entire regions based on an election is in any way right or deserved.
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Comment on Trans men enter Miss Italy pageant in droves after trans women are told they can’t compete in ~lgbt
cadeje Link ParentOh, absolutely! (I didnt think you were trying to do that at all either) It's just something I've been annoyed with recently because it seems like an environment has been cultivated where a lot of...Oh, absolutely! (I didnt think you were trying to do that at all either)
It's just something I've been annoyed with recently because it seems like an environment has been cultivated where a lot of people are just trying to clock everyone else. It's very exhausting and weighs on the brain.
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Comment on Trans men enter Miss Italy pageant in droves after trans women are told they can’t compete in ~lgbt
cadeje Link ParentI'm a trans guy and that's especially annoying because being trans is an identity, not appearance, expression, hobbies, or gender roles. There are femboy trans men and tomboy trans women, also....I'm a trans guy and that's especially annoying because being trans is an identity, not appearance, expression, hobbies, or gender roles. There are femboy trans men and tomboy trans women, also.
I'm annoyed because I see everyone do this, including trans people. A man wearing a dress isn't secretly a trans woman. A tomboy isn't secretly a trans man. Let's believe people when they tell you who they are.
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Comment on Does anyone else have posting anxiety? in ~tech
cadeje LinkHey look, it's me! Historically, I've never been particularly good socially. Tone gets misinterpreted constantly, and more often than not people do assume bad faith in most of the online...Hey look, it's me!
Historically, I've never been particularly good socially. Tone gets misinterpreted constantly, and more often than not people do assume bad faith in most of the online communities I've been a part of. I'm also very self-critical and internalize what others say about me a lot. I also am hyper-vigilant when it comes to other people's tone in talking with me, and try to read into it too much. Socializing in general is stressful to me unless I'm around people I consider safe.
I now realize that a lot of these problems stem from being an undiagnosed Autistic/ADHD person growing up. I would swing back and forth from desperately needing to socialize but making a fool of myself, and then when that happened I would hide away and vow to never socialize ever again. In the meantime criticism towards me was torrential. Many a memory where people (usually a parental figure) would very obviously consider me a lost cause, while I tried to scramble to figure out what I was doing wrong so I could fix it. It uh sucked.
Now I'm just in the process of untangling all this trauma that I wouldn't admit was trauma. I mean, people seem to enjoy my company? At any point in time I only have a couple friends, and a big reason is because of post anxiety. Writing a single text is hard for me because of how critical I am of even the way I write. I always end up assuming people will interpret anything I say in the least charitable way. The only way I can get myself to communicate regularly is by being forced into a live conversation, so I don't have time to overthink the things I say before I blurt it out. Again, around safe people, I feel okay. But I still get looks from people who think me weird (which I am) and I haven't worked through my own bullshit enough to be okay with someone not liking me.
The only way I can see me getting through it is a combination of self-acceptance and just posting more. Luckily discovering my autism/adhd has helped tremendously. I don't look at myself like a freak anymore, I'm just literally wired differently. Just the little effort I've put in to post places has helped the anxiety as well, and I haven't been met with meanness... yet. Fingers crossed it stays that way.
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Comment on I'm getting top surgery! in ~lgbt
cadeje (edited )Link ParentThanks! Yeah, I saw enough guys put "mastectomy pillow" on their top surgery supply list so I went ahead and got one. It was a good call; it helped my comfort especially with the drains in. Also,...Thanks! Yeah, I saw enough guys put "mastectomy pillow" on their top surgery supply list so I went ahead and got one. It was a good call; it helped my comfort especially with the drains in. Also, it seems to really help my not roll over in my sleep.
You always have to keep in mind that most of the top surgery pics that will likely get posted are shirtless hot guys or someone who's worried that something's wrong and doesn't trust their surgeon enough to ask them. My surgeon apparently does a dozen procedures a week and yet I had a tough time finding results posted. It kinda skews your perception, and I think there's a lot of myths that can end up circulating because of it. Whatever major aesthetic problem that may come up can probably be fixed in revision, or scar care, or medical tattooing, so I would try not to worry too much! Easier said than done I know.
The drains suck, but they weren't awful necessarily. I am glad I got them because they surely help with healing, and that's the most important thing. The thing is... they weren't exactly painful most of the time. I was on a good pain med regimen (and you should be too!) but they were uncomfortable. They do help you not raise your arms too much also, which is an odd bonus. The thing that sucked was the random nerve pain that resulted while they were in: one side was fine but the other was unlucky and pinched a nerve seemingly randomly. So, results may vary. If you're lucky, they will just be an annoyance.
As far as drain care, they explained it to me and my partner after I woke up from surgery, so neither of us could really remember, and had to consult youtube videos. It will start with draining blood, and then over time it'll yellow and then be clear. You have to empty the drains twice a day, and log how much fluid was in each side. What takes practice is clearing the tubes: in order to make sure there aren't clots blocking flow, you're supposed to essentially milk the fluid in the tubes out. Gross, I know. I actually didn't end up needing help with it, so if your partner is squeamish, you can just do it yourself.
By the way, like someone else mentioned, definitely get stool softeners and laxatives for if you need to use opioids. Take stool softeners religiously, and then laxatives as needed. This is actually huge and I can't believe I forgot about it.
As for immediately prior to surgery... I was too terrified to plan anything like that haha. I was making jokes constantly but none of them were puns and all of them were to help prevent me from crying from fear. Surgery is scary! But, for me, it was like a trial by fire. Most people don't need to face their fears like that to become a man, but I did. The euphoria was otherworldly.
Btw, feel free to DM me if you want if you have questions you wouldn't want to ask publicly. Really excited for you!
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Comment on I'm getting top surgery! in ~lgbt
cadeje LinkI'm actually recovering from top surgery right now! About 3.5 weeks post op. I'm typing on my phone so apologies if I make a bunch of typos. A few things: according to my surgeon, being overweight...- Exemplary
I'm actually recovering from top surgery right now! About 3.5 weeks post op. I'm typing on my phone so apologies if I make a bunch of typos.
A few things: according to my surgeon, being overweight or not having defined pecs does not matter to a good surgeon. I'm a bit overweight and asked about it, and he scoffed, saying he's done it on guys twice my size. So I wouldn't even give that a thought to be honest.
Dog ears are a myth, or a result from a surgeon who doesnt know what hes doing (according to my surgical team). I personally was concerned about it, but the team explained it super clearly. Whatever "dog earing" that happens, the skin should tighten it with time. Mentioning this because it proliferates a bit in top surgery conversation.
As for nipples, I opted for grafts. Wasn't actually much of a pain at all, and they look great. Just had to make sure to follow doctors orders: they had me start a nipple healing regimen a week after surgery. If you do decide on nipple grafts just know that they look like open wounds for a couple weeks. That's normal, and they heal in.
Biggest advice I can give is listen to your surgeon. They know what theyre doing. If you have any question on if something is normal or should happen, consult them first and foremost.
Other things: I got a wedge pillow and a mastectomy pillow. I've been relying on them both to sleep. Sleeping on your back can be rough, so just make sure you have all the pillows. Mastectomy pillow might help a little with your cat problem too haha. Also, get a good straw. You will be able to do way less than you expect, and turning a glass to drink proved uncomfortable. Get a bendy silicone straw if you can.
The drains are absolutely the worst part of the whole thing. Do not try to go easy on pain meds if you need them. I had to take an oxy every night to sleep because one drain took my pain from a 1 to a 9 the moment I would lay to sleep. But that's what theyre there for. Once the drains came out, I felt 300% better.
Best of luck!
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Comment on Why it’s time to stop worrying about the decline of the English language in ~humanities.languages
cadeje Link ParentIf you want to see a linguist's take on "aks" vs "ask", this 9 minute video is fantastic. Long story short, "aks" is much, much older than people generally realise, dating back to the middle ages....If you want to see a linguist's take on "aks" vs "ask", this 9 minute video is fantastic. Long story short, "aks" is much, much older than people generally realise, dating back to the middle ages.
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Comment on Who are your go to modern or forgotten folk artists, or acoustic artists? in ~music
cadeje LinkDanny Schmidt is an incredible songwriter in my opinion, and it's a crime he's not more well known. This Too Shall Pass is a song close to my heart. It was also featured on an episode of Welcome...Danny Schmidt is an incredible songwriter in my opinion, and it's a crime he's not more well known. This Too Shall Pass is a song close to my heart. It was also featured on an episode of Welcome to Night Vale, so if it sounds familiar to you, I'd bet that's why.
Also give a listen to Stained Glass and Company of Friends.
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Comment on Is keeping Donald Trump in the 2024 US election beneficial to Democrats? in ~talk
cadeje LinkAs someone who used to be very concerned about DeSantis running (and still sort of is, just because he's just that deranged), I have come around to the fact that DeSantis doesn't have a sliver of...As someone who used to be very concerned about DeSantis running (and still sort of is, just because he's just that deranged), I have come around to the fact that DeSantis doesn't have a sliver of the personality that Trump has that made him so dangerous. He's (a) not funny at all and (b) goes on about the "woke" left so much it's making his own constituents tired. Despite coverage of the guy, he doesn't seem nearly as popular and certainly does not have the cult following Trump does.
I'm personally of the opinion that Trump is probably one of the hardest candidates to beat because of the religious fervor around him.
I have a similar thing with certain textures. I have some wooden cooking utensils that seem low quality and probably need to be sanded, and the simple act of touching them gives me just the worst feelings. It reminds me of someone tickling you so much that you're in pain.
Before I realized I was autistic, I would try to power through it. Not sure why... maybe just to prove I could? Maybe I was mad that it was bothering me. It was horrible. I would try to explain it to friends and no one understood it. I just thought I was crazy for the longest time. Whenever I figured out this was because I'm autistic, I immediately stopped feeling bad about it.
I'm just annoyed that it took me this long to figure it out lol