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Anxiety and saying the “wrong” thing
I often find myself ruminating over something I said that didn’t get the “right” feedback. Maybe this means my opinion wasn’t validated, or someone proved I was wrong, or I was completely ignored. The repetition of these moments in my head can last for days, sometimes years. I’ve learned a few coping mechanisms because no one can be perfect, for example, just telling myself that it’s a learning lesson and realizing that most of the “embarrassing” things I’ve said in the past are completely forgotten by anyone else who heard usually helps get me through. Can anyone who relates to this share some other good tips/tricks?
I can have a hard time assembling my thoughts into words in person sometimes. Quite recently I've started messaging/emailing the other party afterwards. To clarify what I/they meant, to clear such thoughts from my head, as well as a chance to follow-up with anything we might've missed.
This is fantastic advice. At first I was thinking this would mostly apply to business meetings, but then I remembered being the recipient of these types of messages after personal interactions.
Hearing confirmation that a date went well, your friend enjoyed lunch with you, or even someone clarifying something that made them a little uncomfortable can make a world of difference in relationships (platonic or otherwise).
We live in a world where "ghosting" is almost normalized, and this is the polar opposite (in the best possible way).
I'm guilty of this sort of "ghosting" too. Often I kept wondering whether it was appropriate to follow up and just did what I believed to be the "safe" thing, i.e. nothing. And sometimes my thoughts are a jumble after a big social interaction and they don't settle until well after it's over, and it felt like the window of opportunity for following up had passed.
Social interactions aren't precise and perfect, they're messy and fluid (and that's a good thing!) I was avoiding dealing with this aspect of it for a long time.
And you have to be proactive. This part I'm still struggling with.
This is one of the worst symptoms of my social anxiety. The smallest things stick in my mind like glue, and I can be down for months if I do something that I perceive as wrong. For me, a lot of it is due to an inability to formulate thoughts on the spot in a satisfying way; the improv of casual conversation is horrific and tiring, and I inevitably end up messing up somewhere along the line. With close friends I often take a while to respond because it gives me time to fully process what they're telling me before I answer, and I don't feel pressured to do so quickly.
A lot of the time when I do something like that I know immediately that it's going to stick with me for a while, so I immediately try to come to peace with it then and there. If I can't, then there's really not much I can do about it. Weed helps in the sense that things don't really matter to me as much but I cannot function high all the time, so it's not a long term solution.
The best routine I found for this is occasionally, a few times a day, grounding myself and calming down, separating the junk memories from the actually important ones and making sure I'm not hyperfocusing on something minor.
Yea the “slowness” to reply thing always gets me too. For me, weed makes it worse but heavy exercise makes me forget and heightens my endorphins for the day. But compartmentalizing those thoughts into those ‘buckets’ is a great idea, can give that a go.
It's give and take. I recommend trying really small doses of weed, whichever way you prefer it. I don't do it before work or important stuff, but if I'm stressed and really can't socially function it helps even if I don't actively feel the high. It might be placebo, but I think that small doses of THC can go a long way without affecting functionality. Just make sure you know your dose so you stay in the "micro" range, whatever that is for you.
I suffered from anxiety around my words a lot over my lifetime. I finally acknowledged that being human is coming things up when you're trying to explain something.
I've done it endlessly and kicked myself for it afterwards. But you beat yourself up once and then get on with it, "what's done is done, what's said is said... Do we need additional clarification?" is how I approach topics where we've veneered off due to a conversational faux pas.
That... Or it might be worth giving CBT a once over. If you're finding your thoughts straying to past mistakes and dwelling, a therapist can guide you quickly to acknowledging and moving past those problems.
I'm going to respond more on the subject of prevention rather than dealing with it afterward since everyone else has done the latter.
For me, I get easily distracted by not just my normal ADHD stuff, but also my self-consciousness of my image (I'm a lady if that's relevant). Like: is my hair too flat? Do I have dark circles under my eyes? Is the hem of my shirt bunched up weirdly in the back? etc etc. Other than that, there's the social self-consciousness, like: am I making enough eye contact? Am I smiling enough? Wait, was I just asked a question? Is it okay to say I zoned out for a sec or will they think I think they're boring?
So with that in mind, maybe working on those kinds of things might help prevent some of these situations in the future. At least it might make them less common. They'll still happen, of course.
I'm not OP but at least for me, this type ot social anxiety is usually xompletely dicorced from ny ADHD. Rather than being a mental process of my brain jumping around to conscious thoughts, for me the social anxiety is a more primal, emotion-based sense of fear and dread. Luckily for me, I don't suffer as much from rumination after the fact, so I can't much help OP. It's interesting how varied presentations of this kind of anxiety can be.
I think that everyone probably has something like this that affects them. Personally, I find that a degree of introspection tends to help. Think about why it's making you feel the way it does. Once you've figured that part out, then you can figure out what you need to do to resolve it. Sometimes it's as simple as coming to an understanding with it, like with your example of realizing that nobody remembers that thing that embarrassed you.
I'm not a huge fan of stoicism, but the philosophy does have some thought devices that tend to be useful. I won't go over them since I dislike them personally, but you aren't me; it might be something you'll want to look into.
I use mindfulness. When I catch myself thinking about a past mistake or event that I wish I could've changed something in, I just tell myself that I am thinking about an event in the past, and I cannot change it. I acknowledge I have no control over the past. I acknowledge ruminating means I am sacrificing living in the moment that is currently happening that I do have control over.
It's easier said than done, it does take consistency and practice, but it gets easier.
I also try to acknowledge if I'm utilizing a cognitive distortion. It sounds like what's going on here might be some "magnification and minimization," where you are magnifying on the past mistakes. I tend to also acknowledge cognitive distortions in conjunction with the mindfulness technique.