Congrats on an important step towards being fluent in self compassion! You're right that it's unreasonable to live up to perfect standards. You're also quite astute for recognizing that statements...
Congrats on an important step towards being fluent in self compassion! You're right that it's unreasonable to live up to perfect standards. You're also quite astute for recognizing that statements like 'humans are imperfect' collapses the reality of life down a little bit too much and creates a statement which can be hid behind by morally corrupt individuals. I'm not sure if you're American or not, but our culture is perhaps a bit too individualistic, and uses personal responsibility as a crutch to simplify out complex situations and ignore how the collective helps to shape and support the individual.
Being someone who is queer and just in general not a fan of authority figures, the idea of moral purism never sat right with me in the first place, because it was not difficult to find individuals who found the idea of my thoughts as impure. Being judged based on feelings you get (it's not okay to be attracted to members of the same sex) while simultaneously allowing non-judgement on other feelings (narratives like it's okay to feel angry, but not necessarily to act on it) highlights just how personal these judgements are. They are not universal, and having a good reasoning behind the judgements becomes clearly necessary.
With that being said, it took me a long time to learn self compassion and I'm nowhere near an expert. I still regularly hold myself to standards which I do not uphold for others. In particular, being able to look at a person and a sum of their actions and to get a general feel or vibe for where someone actually sits is something I am terrible at doing for myself. It's hard to say how much is selection bias, negativity bias, and other biases weighing more heavily on myself, but a framing that has helped to increase my self compassion greatly is the framing of imagining I am evaluating a dear friend or a partner on their behavior. Would I also think that they were acting in a way which warrants such criticism? Or would I recognize the complexity of life and take into consideration the sum of their other actions which disprove the hypothesis? Of course, truly stepping outside your own shoes can be difficult at times, but it does help to re-frame even if only slightly in the direction of compassion.
I think it's a good idea to separate personal morality (such as how do you treat the people you meet) and systemic morality (how are you helping to make good systemic changes come about). They...
I think it's a good idea to separate personal morality (such as how do you treat the people you meet) and systemic morality (how are you helping to make good systemic changes come about).
They need to be judged through different lenses. For systemic issues, it's true that personal choices can add up to systemic changes and you don't want to work against good systemic changes that are well underway. But I give both myself and other people a lot more slack when considering indirect effects, particularly when there's no consensus yet about a systemic change.
For systemic change, your personal actions aren't so important in themselves. One mug isn't going to hurt anyone and makes only the tiniest difference. It could be made up for in lots of other ways. And I'd hope that there are times in your life when you do things far more consequential.
Is this really a mental health post or are you debating the philosophy behind it? Because there are two different responses I could write based on your answer to that question. To attempt to give...
Is this really a mental health post or are you debating the philosophy behind it? Because there are two different responses I could write based on your answer to that question.
To attempt to give you the cross-section of those responses, I would say that it might do you good to consider that there is no such thing as natural purity in this world. Everything is chaos, so failing to hold up to a perfect moral code is just the state of things; there's no point in beating yourself up when you inevitably fail. You just get up and keep trying.
The other day there was an "ad" on TV showing that walking instead of using the car would help save the planet. My view here is more on the political side, but it all boils down to treating a...
The other day there was an "ad" on TV showing that walking instead of using the car would help save the planet.
My view here is more on the political side, but it all boils down to treating a systemic problem with an individualistic solution.
It's not only religion, but capitalism and (neo)liberalism tends to put emphasis on the individual to hide the real problem so we don't overthrown capitalism and set the elite on fire.
You know what would really help save the planet? Really good mass public transportation so almost nobody would need a car. Also cities that were planned accordingly so everyone can access everywhere walking, biking or using public transportation. Things are the way they are because some people had influence enough to make it this way.
So, yes, you fell victim to "consumerism" and "individualism" to some extent, but it is not your fault and you won't change the world by not buying a mug.
I too don't care for these endless trinkets, but the people on top made sure I won't be able to afford a house of my own and now on top of that I will keep saying to myself that I shouldn't have a good smartphone because I am becoming just a mindless consumer? I deserve good things and so do you.
Congrats on an important step towards being fluent in self compassion! You're right that it's unreasonable to live up to perfect standards. You're also quite astute for recognizing that statements like 'humans are imperfect' collapses the reality of life down a little bit too much and creates a statement which can be hid behind by morally corrupt individuals. I'm not sure if you're American or not, but our culture is perhaps a bit too individualistic, and uses personal responsibility as a crutch to simplify out complex situations and ignore how the collective helps to shape and support the individual.
Being someone who is queer and just in general not a fan of authority figures, the idea of moral purism never sat right with me in the first place, because it was not difficult to find individuals who found the idea of my thoughts as impure. Being judged based on feelings you get (it's not okay to be attracted to members of the same sex) while simultaneously allowing non-judgement on other feelings (narratives like it's okay to feel angry, but not necessarily to act on it) highlights just how personal these judgements are. They are not universal, and having a good reasoning behind the judgements becomes clearly necessary.
With that being said, it took me a long time to learn self compassion and I'm nowhere near an expert. I still regularly hold myself to standards which I do not uphold for others. In particular, being able to look at a person and a sum of their actions and to get a general feel or vibe for where someone actually sits is something I am terrible at doing for myself. It's hard to say how much is selection bias, negativity bias, and other biases weighing more heavily on myself, but a framing that has helped to increase my self compassion greatly is the framing of imagining I am evaluating a dear friend or a partner on their behavior. Would I also think that they were acting in a way which warrants such criticism? Or would I recognize the complexity of life and take into consideration the sum of their other actions which disprove the hypothesis? Of course, truly stepping outside your own shoes can be difficult at times, but it does help to re-frame even if only slightly in the direction of compassion.
I think it's a good idea to separate personal morality (such as how do you treat the people you meet) and systemic morality (how are you helping to make good systemic changes come about).
They need to be judged through different lenses. For systemic issues, it's true that personal choices can add up to systemic changes and you don't want to work against good systemic changes that are well underway. But I give both myself and other people a lot more slack when considering indirect effects, particularly when there's no consensus yet about a systemic change.
For systemic change, your personal actions aren't so important in themselves. One mug isn't going to hurt anyone and makes only the tiniest difference. It could be made up for in lots of other ways. And I'd hope that there are times in your life when you do things far more consequential.
Is this really a mental health post or are you debating the philosophy behind it? Because there are two different responses I could write based on your answer to that question.
To attempt to give you the cross-section of those responses, I would say that it might do you good to consider that there is no such thing as natural purity in this world. Everything is chaos, so failing to hold up to a perfect moral code is just the state of things; there's no point in beating yourself up when you inevitably fail. You just get up and keep trying.
The other day there was an "ad" on TV showing that walking instead of using the car would help save the planet.
My view here is more on the political side, but it all boils down to treating a systemic problem with an individualistic solution.
It's not only religion, but capitalism and (neo)liberalism tends to put emphasis on the individual to hide the real problem so we don't overthrown capitalism and set the elite on fire.
You know what would really help save the planet? Really good mass public transportation so almost nobody would need a car. Also cities that were planned accordingly so everyone can access everywhere walking, biking or using public transportation. Things are the way they are because some people had influence enough to make it this way.
So, yes, you fell victim to "consumerism" and "individualism" to some extent, but it is not your fault and you won't change the world by not buying a mug.
I too don't care for these endless trinkets, but the people on top made sure I won't be able to afford a house of my own and now on top of that I will keep saying to myself that I shouldn't have a good smartphone because I am becoming just a mindless consumer? I deserve good things and so do you.