7
votes
Flustering quickly, often escalating to panic
I get very confused and urgent and it can be many minutes before I understand that I'm arguing from nothing but internal stress. It's a maddening habit that everyone around me finds repulsive. I have thought that it would be possible to make friends who could help to intervene when I am losing polite perspective, but I am not sure if this expectation has ever really functioned. I don't want to disavow any responsibility in telling my friends they have to jump in on my frequent malfunctions, that sounds unfair. But I'm not making much progress on getting over myself by myself. What to do.
The people who care for us are in a very good position to signal to us when we're exhibiting behaviors that we want to change. The key to it working is that they need to be willing, and they need to be able to signal to us in a safe way - we can't argue with them once they make the signal, even if we think they are wrong.
A couple of examples:
Early in our relationship, I used to get spun up fairly quickly whenever my husband and I had even the smallest disagreement. It's like I took everything personally. One day he just started laughing at me, and I got really mad and left the room to go stew. As I'm stewing, I had an aha moment, where I could see the ridiculousness of the whole thing, I was having a meltdown over popcorn. Yes, popcorn. I had just made popcorn and he said, "I think it needs a little more salt." I realized that I was like that about every little thing. No wonder I didn't have many friends, no wonder I couldn't hang on to boyfriends, no wonder my kids and I were always arguing. It was a horrible realization. So I pulled myself together and walked back out to where he was at, and told him, "Actually, I think you're right, it could use more salt," and we laughed together. Afterwards, I asked him to help me break this bad habit I had of being so incredibly defensive and argumentative about everything. And we agreed that when I was getting that way, he would say to me, "Is this really such a big deal?" And those words required that I stop and spend time thinking about it. Sometimes it was easy ,like no it's not really a big deal that he used more dish soap than me. Other times, I didn't really know, and if I didn't know, I'd let it go and think on it more. But there were also times it was a big enough deal, and just the stopping and thinking about it allowed to me talk about it with him from a more logical place instead of it being an emotional outburst. It's been a long time since he's had to ask me that question.
Another example:
My mom has a hard time believing that anyone really understands what she's trying to say, which means it's easy for her to not stop talking as she says the same thing over and over again with slightly modified wording. She used to have to present a lot in meetings at work, and this behavior was getting in the way of her professional mobility. But she had this awesome boss who brought it to her attention, and they agreed on a signal, her boss would start fiddling with her pencil when it was time for my mom to move on. My mom says that after a while, even if her boss wasn't there, she'd start seeing the pencil in her mind and that was her clue that she'd probably said all she needed to say about a subject. She's had a harder time with it in her personal life, but she has a few select friends that she's asked to help, and they will just start fiddling with something which reminds my mom to wrap it up.
So maybe you can ask your partner to help you? Maybe she can say, "I don't understand what you're trying to say," and that gives you the time to stop and think about it. Maybe you only need a short time to gather your words, maybe you need to talk about it later, or maybe you realize that you don't need to say anything? At first it can feel really uncomfortable to have someone signal our behavior, but when it's something we want to change, it's worth going through that uncomfortableness.
I think I've asked for this from my partner a couple of ways but they seem pretty reluctant and the strategy hasn't really been adopted. Nice to have this instinct reflected but maybe you have other tips, too?
Ugh. That can make it more difficult.
One of the things that I don't think people realize is that a lot of times change doesn't happen all at once. Maybe you can name what it is you want to change. Like articulate it to yourself in as few as words as possible. Then notice when you've done it. Usually at first it will be after you've done the behavior you're trying to change. This is good! It means you're aware of it. Maybe beat yourself up a bit about it if you have to, but not too much. Maybe see if you can figure out why you did the thing (sometimes there is no reason other than habit). And just keep being aware, at some point you may become aware of the behavior while you're in the middle of it. Name it to yourself, "I'm doing x, and I don't want to do this anymore." Use all your will and stop yourself right there in the middle of it. If you're with your partner, you could say something like, "Oops, I was doing it again, I'm going to stop now." It will probably be super uncomfortable, but that's okay. For me, I did not want to feel uncomfortable / awkward, and it helped me start seeing the behavior earlier and earlier until I caught it before the behavior happened.
I don't know if that is helpful at all, but it's another way I have used to change behaviors in myself I do not like.
In addition to what Monarda's great response - would journaling and meditation help? Journaling could help you identify your triggers? Maybe just write a few points about each flustering experience - what was happening before, when did things turn, how did you feel before arguing and how do you actually feel after arguing?
I personally don't understand how meditation helps, but everyone recommends it for similar situations.
Which situations exactly make you panic ?
I'm not sure how to specify, panic might not even be the right word. Usually I'm asking questions that seem relevant or giving answers to questions and then I'll wind up triggered by I can't even tell what. My partner says I don't make very much sense when I talk and that I'm talking much too much. Feeling like I cannot make myself understood might be a major factor
On threads like this you generally get the same kind of response: seek a mental health professional. I wish I could say otherwise, but I really can't. Millions of people go through that everyday. These are thoroughly studied symptoms, and there are numerous effective ways to address at them. So... Seek a mental health professional!
I might add that you specifically look for a trauma therapist, because what you describe sounds to my layperson (but with lots of personal experience) ear is getting triggered by past trauma, maybe from early childhood.