What is something your parents were wrong about? What were they right about?
Note: I didn't want to clutter up the title, but "parents" in the title and below applies to anyone who raised you, whatever their role or relation.
As we grow up, our view of those who raised us changes. Some of their "unfair" rules might make more sense in hindsight, for example. I'm curious for answers to the following questions:
- What were your parents wrong about?
This is something that they legitimately missed the mark on, for any reason. You might have realized it at the time, or have come to realize it in hindsight. Either way, you can definitively say it was the wrong call now.
- What were they right about?
There's probably a lot they did right, but in particular I'm interested in stuff that either seemed wrong to you as a child but you've now come to realize was the right call, or right stuff that you now realize is far more important than you did at the time.
Also, with any discussion of parenting it's important to remember that everyone's experiences are difficult and that some responses might open up about some difficult things. Please remember to be kind and empathetic in your responses!
WRONG
I’ll talk about my mother.
My parents did not employ any consistent set of educational guidelines. Their actions towards me were largely motivated by their emotions, with mixed (mostly negative) results. They divorced when I was 10. My mannerisms are a lot like my fathers’, even today. I always wanted to be like him in some regards.
Maybe because of that, after the divorce I became the target of unbearable hostilities from my mother, things I do not wish to describe. I was guilty by default and my expressions of masculinity were viewed as something to be corrected. A less delicate gesture or a slightly stronger tone were common triggers.
At the same time, she expressed her sexuality through lewd comments and exposed me to situations that I now realize were totally inappropriate.
Weirdly as it is, in my house being a standard heterosexual male was a reason for oppression.
I was swallowed by an emasculating monster.
RIGHT
On the other hand, my mother is the most ethical and generous person I know, the kind that would sacrifice her own life for the greater good. With the years, her aggression greatly reduced. She was also always there for me in times of need both financially and emotionally.
My mother is a woman of extremes.
Wrong? I think very little. They're excellent people. The only major exception is health. They don't take good enough care of themselves. They're both very overweight have have been as long as I can remember. My mom is more adamant about her bad habits, though. She'll spew BS about how CICO does not work and how it's okay to eat ice cream every day while doing no exercise. Thankfully whatever underlying causes prompt my parents to live as they do were not transferred. I took their bad habits but upon realizing I'd gained 50 lbs since high school at 21 I dropped all that weight and more and have kept it off since. I even started exercising regularly. Weirdly, this is a point of contention with my mom. She'll ask me why I decided to lose weight, why I'm exercising. I'll do something physical that I'm proud of and she seems almost... upset?
Other than that, I respect all of their views. My father has a rock solid ethical foundation. He's a lawyer that has turned down higher paying opportunities to work exclusively as a public defender fighting the death penalty. My family is Quaker and thus pacifist. I'm so proud to see my dad fighting for his beliefs in a meaningful way. It's a difficult job.
Now that I'm just starting to consider if I might want to some day have children, I find myself agreeing with how both my parents guided me. They probably should have pushed a little harder against my constant playing of video games, but the influences they had me exposed to gave me a solid foundation. Some might call it sheltering, but I think raising children to only know good people and good behavior is critical in their development. You don't want your child to grow up and be unable to differentiate between toxic and non-toxic people.
Now that I'm older and exposed to a wider variety of people it's interesting to see how relaxed other people are in the influences they'll allow themselves to be exposed to through friendships. The methodology I learned from my parents has left me with an excellent track record in maintaining and building friendships.
I don't think Deimos has the server space for me to make that list.
That I was too young to start secondary school at 9. The year before mine was full of madmen, I would have been eaten alive.
Or you'd have become one of the madmen.
Good call regardless
My parents were basically wrong about everything about how I should live my life or my future. They were pretty good at figuring out their own lives, though; they managed to build their own business and buy a house. Those are both things I still haven't done.
Honestly, I was pretty attached to my parents when I was young, so I inherited a lot of their opinions on things. They were teetotalers, and while I will gladly drink a delicious alcoholic beverage today, I'm still not much of a drinker. And let me tell you, I constantly see examples that show how much better life is without alcohol being an influence. Then again, it takes a lot to get me high, and I can't stand the taste of alcohol enough to really get drunk drunk.
And then somewhere near the end of my adolescence, my father started watching Fox News and became human garbage and all of his choices turned to shit. Though to be fair, I don't blame that on Fox News - I blame that on him not willing to get analyzed by a psychiatrist, because he quite literally is a psychopath.
I was raised by a single mother. She is a kind and loving person. Better than her children, I'd say. She may have been subject to the blindspots in parenting that only time has revealed. I'm sure it'll reveal more (for her, parents past, and parents future). I can't say she did any wrong. Only, it is we who failed her.
They were wrong about the need to conform. My mother in particular used to gaslight me about this. I'd come home in tears because the other kids (including my siblings) would pick on me relentlessly. She'd tell me things like, "Just be yourself. You don't have to be the way anybody else wants you to be." But as soon as I did so at home, she'd tell me things like, "You can't act/dress/think like that! You have to learn to fit in with others." Fuck her.
I can't think of too many things they were right about that I didn't already agree with. One good thing they did, and this was more my father than mother, was teach me how money worked and helped me to understand the difference between good debt and bad debt. (Though our privilege made it easy to apply the rules so I can't give them all the credit.)
I guess if I had to pick one thing they were right about that I didn't think they'd be, it would be that I didn't think college would be useful for me. Ultimately, I think it was, though. I don't think I would have learned the stuff I need for my career if I had tried to learn it on my own. I would have done alright, but I wouldn't have gotten where I am today, probably.
Wrong - Avoiding vaccines
They were anti-vaxxers, before it was "cool". To this day I have never had a vaccine. Even though I now believe vaccines are an essential tool for protecting my own health and the health of people around me, my parents raised me to fear and distrust vaccines, and it's a difficult mental/emotional hurdle to overcome. (I'm working on it with my therapist.) Even my parents are starting to come around a bit, and they would consider taking a covid-19 vaccine so that they can safely leave the house, but I hate the idea that my family has contributed to the anti-vaxxer threat to public health.
Right - Avoiding antibiotics
They were absolutely correct to avoid antibiotics whenever possible. I didn't have an internal (as opposed to topical on your skin) antibiotic until I was like 30 years old (related to some dental surgery). Today we know how important microbiomes are to our health, and that antibiotics can do serious damage to your health by harming your microbiome. We also now know that antibiotic resistant superbugs are a dire threat, in part because of overuse of antibiotics helping select for superbugs. I feel good about not contributing to the antibiotic resistance crisis :)
AFAIK, the most important part here is to take them as prescribed. Don't stop the treatment because it worked. The full course should kill off the target bacteria, leaving no survivors who have seen the antibiotic. Stopping the course can leave survivors who have partially adapted to the drug. That's the road to superbugs.
It's at times like these I really wish I had listened to my parents.
-t.p.