Our dead bedroom, and our journey to fix it. Any interest in the journey?
I've been married for about 20 years. Our bedroom has been mostly dead for half of that. When I left to go take care of my mother, I didn't know if I would come back home. My husband and I like each other well enough, but we have each been in our own personally narrated relationship hell for too long. While I was away, we started writing each other letters, the distance seemed to let us "get it all out." We both seem committed to making the next 20 years better than the first. If there is any interest, I'm willing to chronicle our journey back from the brink of divorce, as well as answer any questions anyone might have. I'm the one with the lower sex drive, and with sex more tied to emotional intimacy than my partner. I like Tildes as my personal space and don't really want my husband to have an account, but I would let him use mine to speak his own words if that is something someone would want to hear. If there is no interest, I'll delete this topic in about a week, as I would find it a bit embarrassing in my history.
Edit: I would also be interested in hearing how other people worked through this if anyone would like to talk about it.
You don't have to be sorry about the wall of text! It seems like there's this shame around talking about unfulfilled sex lives, and part of the reason I wanted to share what we're going through was to give people an opening to share their own stories, and for others, whether they participate or not, to be able to read them.
I was really struck by the line, "Sometimes it still hurt." I teared up when I read it because it touched on my own pain. Sexual problems in a relationship can be devastating to everyone involved and often shadows how we feel about the rest of the relationship. I wish you hadn't had to go through that, but I'm also glad to hear you realized that you couldn't fix it alone and got out. Thank you for writing that out.
You're very resilient for making it through that relationship. Your ex sounds like a cunt. In the end he was an addict who couldn't see that he had a problem, and it wasn't on you, I hope you don't just know that, but also feel that in your heart.
The fact that he chose videos over you isn't a you problem, it's a him problem. Videos can never replace the intimacy and romance of a real partner, and he's worse off without you. I hope you find the amazing partner you deserve in your future, but it's also important to be happy on your own.
Wow. How long were you two together? Was it a year into the relationship that you noticed something was wrong, or did you mean that it was something you were trying to figure out for a year?
Wow. That is such an incredibly personal thing to share, and it's something that I think could help a lot of people. Thanks for offering to put yourself and your story out there, monarda. I admire you so much for your continual honesty and openness on this site.
I would be interested to hear your journey, and also glad to hear that your husband is committed to your relationship. I didn't say so in the mental health thread where you mentioned it, but the fear that your husband didn't love you as much as you loved him hit so deeply home for me. I'm glad that there is a path forward for you.
Next week I'll post about how we got to where we are. It will probably be a wall of text chronicling how we lost sexual intimacy, how we each perceived what was going on, and what we discovered when we finally started talking about it. I'll do my best to speak for my husband and try not to be biased. About a month afterwards, I'll give an update. I want to name the topic something other than dead bedroom because now that I keep seeing it pop up to the top of my feed, I find myself feeling ashamed even though I know I shouldn't.
I can easily change the title for you, to whatever you'd prefer. Either just reply and let me know here, or send me a message.
I also admire your honesty, monarda. What was your husband's reaction to your proposal of sharing this stuff on here?
He's uncertain. We're mostly private people, him more than me. We talked about it yesterday, and he said, "I'll wait and see."
By all means, please tell us about your journey! If there's one thing I've learned it's that having a good example of how to do something makes a lot of tasks easier, and I'm sure you're not the only one to go through this.
I would very much be interested in hearing your story. Me and my partner are going through something "similar" right now so I would love to hear thoughts from both of you on this. Might help me to gain new perspective and understanding as well as have some catharsis for you!
I’m in a similar situation but not nearly as brave. 😅. I’d be happy to follow your journey.
I don't know what else to say other than we're here for you. I wish you the best in your future.